Thursday, July 31, 2008

Work, Work, Work

Sigh, Ms Aw, you ask for update, but unfortunately, life has been rather blah.

All I seem to be doing is work, work, work. 12-hour shifts are becoming commonplace. Urrrgghhhh.....

Plus, I'm doing National Day reporting. This means I have to come up with 5 colour stories before NDP, do hourly live reports during the actual NDP show, and go back to the office after the whole thing is done and file another report. My stomach is churning at the thought of it.

AND I'm doing National Day rally. Not that I want to gripe... screw it, I DO want to gripe. We're sending 2 people for each event. But my partners change. Why am I the constant?

DOING NATIONAL DAY RALLY MEANS I START ON THE DAY ITSELF AND THEN I'M EXPECTED TO WORK UNTIL THE FOLLOWING DAY.

Like 4pm to 4am or something like that. sobz...

Anyway, my appraisal is up. Talking to my boss tomorrow. I was having a pretty bad time last week, and I kinda blurted out that I wanted to know if I would be confirmed. I was worried that my sliding performance was gonna affect my appraisal.

The boss hinted that my confirmation was likely. So well, we shall see.

I can't believe it's been 6 months. But after all this time, I still wonder if I'm suited for this job. When people talk about wanting to become a journalist, they usually describe it as a passion, as an ambition. To want to find out the truth, dig into uncomfortable areas, write prose that can change the world.

Do I feel the same way? After all, I've never really thought about being a journalist. It just kinda.... happened. Does it matter that I don't feel those same needs? Does it matter that I view my job as a job, and there's no overriding desire? Does it matter that sometimes I read what I write, despair at its insignificance, but it goes out as news anyway?

The question I've been asking myself is that, would I be happier anywhere else? I used to think that I was destined to do HR. But what made me so certain? Would I have been happier doing that?

I'm rambling now. So tired that I can't think straight.

On a positive note, I'm going for SingFest with Fadz! And Shah, my co-DJ back in SMU, remember? Can't wait! I know it's an odd combination of people, but the concert is going to be rocking!

Oh yeah, and I think my colleagues think I'm incredibly flighty and sex crazed and weird. Just because I put this picture on my 15-inch monitor.


I can't imagine why they would think that way. Might have something to do with how I like rubbing my hands all over my screen.

Oh well. Shouldn't my bosses be happy that I enjoy looking at my computer screen?

Saturday, July 05, 2008

Occupation Hazard

Sigh, I've been clocking in more than 12 hours for the past three days. Like I told Fadz, even my eye bags have bags.

He replied, "LV or Prada?"

Gucci, of course, darling.

I have been labouring over the unfortunate drowning incident involving a student from my alma mater.

In case you've been living under a rock and have not read / watched / listened to the news, get the details here and the previous day's news. Not mentioning kid's name so that my blog wouldn't pop up when people do google searches.

Was stationed at the site for the past two days, trying to get interviews with the school president and the family.

What sucked the most is that I kinda feel emotional attachment to this story, seeing how it's my alma mater, my beloved school.

When it comes to such cases, journalists usually take a detached view so that we can get things done in the most objective manner.

Yesterday, when there was still hope that the boy could be found, I didn't feel so bad.

But when we received news that his body had been recovered today.... sigh....

Having to separate personal from professional was really tough. Having to grill Woody, seeing his huanted face, and pushing ahead with questions about safety and checks... Having to deal with the corp comms team like Ann, Sharon, Karen, Shirley... How does one stay emotionally detached?

I guess I simply buckled down and went into auto-response mode.

But when L's father started wailing AS we were interviewing Woody... that was really, really hard.

I did the story as best I could. When the school requested we not put L's photo on our website, we agreeably took it down out of respect for the family.

But when the other media repeated posted his picture.. I mean... I have to do what I have to do. I told Sharon the same thing.

I think the worst part was when L's sister gave a press conference and read out a statement. Having to deal face to face with such raw devastation really choked me up.

When I stepped forward to offer condolences to his sister, I started to tear up and had to look away.

How unprofessional is that.

But the reality is that journalism is part coldhearted.

We deal with deaths almost on a daily basis, be it accident or murder or whatnot.

But when you spend 2 days surrounded by people you have a connection to, no matter how remote, and not some random stranger altogether... maybe I'm weak, but I found it tough to deal.

Am I right for this profession? I'm not too sure. Maybe I just need to be more emotionally detached.

I'm so, so drained now. I can't even begin to think about commencement next week.

Tuesday, July 01, 2008

Restlessness is setting in

2 years ago, as I was about to turn into an adult as defined by legal age, a restlessness took over.

A pull so strong that at times I felt despair, a pull that was telling me to go experience the world as I straddled the fine line between teenager and adult.

I badly needed to get away; from school, from the same-old routine of life, from my friends, and even my family. In short, I needed to feel like there was more to life than... this.

I was sick to the bone of the tired routine that had taken over me, of seeing and experiencing the same things day-in day-out.

And so I escaped to Vietnam with Fadz. My mum violently forbade me to go, partly because it represented my first trip alone with my boyfriend (for 18 days!), and it meant that I was no longer the little girl who followed her parents on overseas trips. In short, it meant that I was slowly but surely declaring my independence.

Back in 2006, I dunno how many of you realised it, but I was sick of life. The exams were just over, I received the best results of my entire unversity education, the volleyball tournament was over, my torturous OCBC internship was done. I needed a break. I was like this prowling tiger, ready to snap at anyone who crossed my path.

But Vietnam restored me. Bright, colourful delight where I gesticulated my wants, sat through train and bus rides that smelt like hell, got a pedicure at a place that soaked my feet in a plastic bowl, ate like the locals, travelled like the locals... so many memories.

So why am I mentioning this now? Because the restlessness is back.

Lately, I've been getting this feeling of despair again. The feeling that nothing changes, everyday is just another mindless day as a mindless drone.

That for the rest of my life, or at least some time into the future, this is all I have to look forward to.

I thought the challenge of having to write something new everyday would keep me excited. The challenge of having my work reviewed on a daily basis would keep me entertained. But the overall feeling I get is still everyday is the bloody same, nothing really changes.

The relationship with the Fadz? I'd say it's going pretty well, except once in a while old fears and insecurities surface, but that's not unexpected, yeah?

But the worse part is, I'm doing the same thing every day, he's doing the same thing every day, when we meet up, it's pretty much the same thing too.

It's a nice feeling of familiarity, and I do look forward to seeing him each time.... but........... the notion of "is that it? is there nothing else?" keeps popping up.

He's not a fan of trying things new, I'm not a fan of trying things new ALONE. I want to see things from his perspective. I want to watch his face as he does something he never thought he would do. I want to experience new things and talk to him about it, and in the process, discover something new about myself.

I thought an 8-day leave around my birthday in May, thinking that going to KL would be enough to stifle it. Thinking that shopping and eating would be sufficient. That it was all I craved for these days.

Well, lo and behold, it isn't enough. I want more. I want to see more, to feel more, to rediscover the spirit of adventure and doing things off the beaten track.

I want to go to Laos.

Spoke to the Fadz about it, and it appears he might be up for it. But I have to wait until the end of the year.

In the meantime, I'm getting grouchy and snappy again. Some days, I don't even feel like going out with my friends, and just want to stay at home and stew in my own thoughts.

Am I turning into a recluse? Or am I dreaming too much about this?
See if you can spot me! the one with the fairest legs... we drank copious amounts of bad Vietnamese red wine, got so drunk... we then clambered onto the 2nd storey of our rickety boat and jumped into the azure sea.... and then i promptly fell asleep on the ride back to shore. Fadz of course abstained, and managed to capture this.