Restless

Oh restless spirit, what exactly is it that i crave?

I sometimes wonder if i have a self-destructive nature.

If not for my fear of pain, i would probably have been one of those kids who sliced their arms to get some release from inner demons.

Seriously, i would find myself in a real dark place, contemplating if i should let things fester and deteriorate, wondering if i should destroy something that once gave me joy...

Just to see what happens....

See if it would really cause me pain, or if i would survive and simply move on.

Yup, in a twisty mood. I'm in a funk.

And i'm exasperated, so exasperated!

Why should i give a damn, if you don't give a damn about me?

Why can't i be thoughtless, if you are thoughtless?

Wish my brain would shut down. Just to give me some peace for a bit.

Caught between 2 desires

I may bitch a lot about my job but really, i do sometimes think i'm being overly dramatic.

Don't get me wrong; the work can be soul-sapping, especially in Singapore's media climate..

And my environment does get toxic, to the point where i'm afraid to question humanity and the EQ of some people...

But the non-work perks are so damn great.

In reference to my photo, i'm currently having a leisurely lunch at the marriott hotel cafe on a balmy Tuesday afternoon because I CAN.

Whenever i think i have reached my breaking point, a midweek day off really perks me up.

I have ME time - something so precious it's almost like a unicorn, mythical but unreal.

I can eat whatever i want, then do my hair and nails.. Without having to bother with the crowds or fret that i'm keeping someone waiting or have to make small talk.

I'm normally real sociable, but on some days, i just want to scream FTW (fuck the world).

Another perk of the job - being able to take cabs all the time for work. Seriously, i can't emphasise how much that has saved me. Passing out blissfully in the backseat, only to wake up refreshed for my job.

But should i stay in a job just for it's non-work perks?

I suppose if i can switch my brain off and just treat it as any other job.. Do what i have to do and leave.. It might work.

But sometimes i catch myself asking if that's all i'm capable of. Shouldn't i be out on the streets, trying to discover some injustice?

And then i realise it's 10pm, i've been working for 12 hours, and i have a morning job the following day.

And all desire to be a hard-hitting, cutting edge journo disappears.

I guess i'm lucky cos it's not like i need a regular working hours kind of job... No kids to take care off.. And the pay is not great, but i'm not in dire need to pay off a mortgage.

Plus the boyfriend also has shitty hours, so there's no real need to keep regular hours.

So being able to not work on random days, and not having to take work home is a huge, huge plus.

I just wish the actual work was more fulfilling. Then it's really be the perfect job for me.

I feel fat

Worse, i look fat on tv. It's utterly depressing.

Must be bad karma. I was at an event and saw someone with a round face and the thought "wow! That's a round face!" exploded in my head.

Damn the lack of exercising. And overeating (damn you lin zhaowei for overpampering me!)

Huh, i'm so depressed i'm contemplating running.

Maybe.

Relationships are a strange thing...

For all the plus points, there are some pitfalls.

Seriously, if we humans are not such sluts for companionship, I think the world would be a lot happier.

How many senseless battles have been fought due to the equivalent of (on a much larger scale, of course), "why you stare at/insult my girl?"

Feeling a little angsty thing morning, as you can tell.

The boyfriend and I are swimming along this river called love and time.

While it's been mostly peachy smooth, we do encounter the occasional bump. Sometimes a bump that's easy to ride over, sometimes enough to rile me up that I have to stew over it for a bit.

ZW is an incredibly intense person and when he sets his mind to something, he also sets a certain (very high) level that he has to achieve. And this applies to everything - work, love, even buying stuff. And he likes to extend that intensity to me too.

I, on the other hand, as most of you know, am quite happy just sailing through life, sometimes settling for less, not always concerned about standards... all in the name of leading a harmonious life with few worries.

So you can see why there may sometimes be clashes of personality. It's an unstoppable force meeting ... a flowing river?

Case in point: I'm looking to buy a new camera. Initially, I got all excited about buying a dslr (no doubt influenced by ZW)... but after calming down, I realised that I'm never gonna go pro. So why spend thousand of dollars on a camera that's heavy, black (ew) and produces pictures with a quality that I'm probably not going to be able to appreciate.

The boyfriend got a little annoyed but nothing major, cos he had spent some time looking for a nice pink dslr for me.

Anyway, the conclusion was that I wanted a nice, pink, point-and-shoot compact camera with decent specs.

Again, he embarked on a camera hunt.. and the way he operates is that he would scour the internet for writeups, recommendations... for HOURS on end.

Let me just say that I never EXPLICITLY asked him to look for a camera for me. In some sense, he took it upon himself to do it. Ok, sounding a little ungrateful here...

So when he next found a compact camera, pink no less, with pretty good specs, he got all excited over the fact that he found THE ONE.

And then I heard the price. And blanched. And hemmed and hawed a little...

Which then pissed him off. Cos to him, quality matters, and price is sometimes not a factor.

And then he kinda yelled at me to figure out what was important - did I want specs, did I want pink, did I want affordable?

Which riled me up (cos I don't respond well to hostility) and I said I want everything, cannot issit?

Then he got annoyed and starting throwing random recommendations, and calling them "cheap".

To cut a long story short, we both got all huffy and put down the phone.

Needless to say, I went to bed in a less than pleasant mood.

Fast forward to this morning... I open my gmail, and see that ZW stayed up till 3am looking for more camera models that would fit my requirements.

And he messages me when he wakes up, no anger left in him.

How can I stay mad, you tell me?

And once again, I'm left mystified, and yet, thankful, that I found him.

Family funnies

My family members are all jokers. Seriously.

So we're having dessert... And my mum rejects her chocolate cake as it has a mousse top.

She proclaims it's too soft.

A side note: my mum hates soft things.

So i asked, why can't you eat hard cheese?

Mum: hate it. Can't stand the smell.

Cheryl: so you can only eat hard and odourless things?

Like styrofoam?

At this point, my mum let out a string of expletives. Well, not exactly. But as violent as mums get. Teehee.

Day 1

Ramadhan has started... Triggering a flood of emotions and thoughts.

It's strange to imagine that at the start of this year, i was toying with the idea of fasting.

Sort of to ease myself into the Muslim way of life.

At that point, I could almost see my life panning out in a certain way, and i wanted to acclimatise so that when the transition happened, it would not be a total shock.

Guess things don't always happen the way you expect them to.

This time last year, I was making plans to ensure that I'd not be working during Hari Raya.

So that i could spend the whole day at F's house, hanging out with his relatives, even serving them as I would during Chinese New Year.

I would arrive in the morning, play with his baby cousins, feast on his mum's great cooking, talk to his uncles and aunts.

Sometimes i would fall asleep as the afternoon wore on, or tear after one of his naughty cousins in the corridor.

There's almost a twinge of sadness knowing that I won't be there this year.

I wonder if the whole family knows. I wonder if they will ask where I am. I wonder how F will answer the questions.

He's never been big on sharing his feelings, thoughts or what's happening in his life.

Sigh...

I may no longer be walking down that path, but these memories still linger.

Random Updates

I'm bored in the office. Will blog about random things.

As some of you may know, I was at the Padang yesterday reporting about the parade.

Thing is, I was so bored that I started snapping random pictures and uploading them on Facebook.

But since the whole world was probably equally bored and restless and plugged into their 3G phones, this meant the airwaves (internet waves? I dunno) were jammed.

Which made uploading photos a bitch. and battery-draining.

So I spent the whole afternoon rushing in and out of the media centre to charge my phone in-between attempting to do work. And the bloody phone still died in the end when I needed it the most - to call for a cab home. Sigh.

Fast forward to today. The boyfriend stayed over and graciously escorted me to work this morning.

Except that he dropped his phone in the cab. Some kind soul then called me cos I was the latest person on his phone log. So there I was, waiting for the cab to make a u-turn to where I was (high court, no less).

And I was wondering if the boy would be smart enough to call me. Cos just last week, we got into a ridiculous argument when he couldn't remember my handphone number. He kept saying he has his phone with him at all times and doesn't need to memorise numbers. I asked huffily what happens if he loses his phone.

Ah life is funny that way.

Anyway I knew he was walking about City Hall and figured I might as well check out the nearest shopping centre to see if I could bump into him.

Looked around, couldn't find him, then sat down for breakfast with another colleague who was also at court.

Lo and behold, ZW was in the same cafe, just blocked by a wall. HAHAHA! COINCIDENCE OR WHAT!

Then my stupid colleague had to leave his notebook behind. What is it with men and leaving things behind for me to pick up!!!!!

Ok, end of random update. Will go back to my regular schedule of thumb twiddling... which is a good thing. Cos I'm so bloody sleepy and tired.

BRAIN.NOT.FIRING.ON.ALL.LEVELS.

Trying to muster my nationalistic pride

Urgh, stuck with national day duty. In the scorching sun.

Just came from a stay-cation with the family. Kind off a family tradition.

Last year we checked into the Fullerton. This year, the Marina Mandarin. The whole family chills by the pool, goes for meals, went for a movie...

Laughed at my misfortune.

We even went for ktv, boyfriend included. As usual, he took the opportunity to make everyone swoon. I love, love, love his singing.

Doing duets with him are damn paiseh.

And now i'm stuck on a bus blashing cheena pop tunes.

Excellent.