Dreamer, Traveller, Lover

A ghost of my former self

2012-01-26T00:36:00.000+08:00

Happy Chinese New Year!

I know, such a big difference between my post title and my chirpy first line. I forgive you if you think I'm schizophrenic. Frankly, I'm starting to think I am.

I'm in a slump, a funk that I'm trying to dig myself out of. But it feels so difficult. So difficult. The lure of simply sinking and never finding the surface sounds almost too tempting.

I'm being melodramatic of course. The worse thing that could happen is that I continue coasting through life, failing to find the lust and drive that I once craved and exuded.

Work is... not great. I find it hard to find motivation to even get there on time every day. I look at my work and feel it's insipid, boring, lacking in writing and... conviction. A ghost. A shell. Simply existing and creating for the sake of it.

I've tried throwing myself into my personal life. I barely have time as it is to fit in family, boyfriend, friends, while planning for mad vacations, one after another. But then I find myself sitting at my desk, wondering what the hell I'm doing there.

The boyfriend tells me to quit. That it's eating my soul and being miserable simply isn't worth it. My mum said she'd feed me. The boyfriend said he'd give me an allowance. I have some savings. Probably could live like a hobo for a year even.

Problem is - I'm afraid. I simply wasn't brought up that way. To lead a life of idle. To leech off my parents (more than I am at the moment, anyway). To be financially crippled. To weigh every purchase against a depleting account. To know that I don't even have the excuse of being a student to explain my lack of job.

I simply can't.

And the other problem is, I don't know what I want to do. A second career. Yes, I fell into this job. And for better or worse, I'm adequate at it. If I can just control my temper, control my dreams, control my wanderlust, I can probably survive. But therein lies the problem I guess. It's getting harder to bite my tongue and resist the urge to flip the bird and walk out.

And then where would I go? I honestly believe that I have learnt very little in my current job that would serve me well in the real corporate world. For some reason, I feel that I've existed in a bubble for the last 4 years and if I force myself to wake up, I would find that I actually have no market value, no skills that will enable me to survive the real world.

Depressing. And that knowledge fills me with rage, with self-pity, with fear that I've become a coward. Fearful of change because what if I can't adapt? And that fear makes me angry and sad.

What a sad, vicious cycle indeed.

Oh, and does anyone want to employ me? I'm open to crazy ideas. Haha.

When dependability is sorely missing....

2011-12-31T04:15:00.000+08:00

Final day of 2011, and what a year it's been. Both professionally and personally, I think I've been through a fair bit, both good and bad.

Professionally... well, let's just leave that for another day. It's always a big question mark in that area anyway.

Personally... well.. there's another question mark. I think as I hurtle down my 20s, age is catching up on me. And it's making me think a lot about what I want from a relationship. I feel like I've reached the point where the hormonal urges and the need to be crazily in love is rapidly becoming a thing of the past. Instead, what I truly crave for is stability. Knowing that I can depend on my other half. And every other day, I'm beginning to question if that's what I'm getting from my current relationship.

I feel like I'm dating an unknown force. One minute placid, sometimes the best of weather, but just as quickly, a hurricane could be wrapping around me. And it's so tiring. Can't I just have some nice warm weather for a prolonged period, please?

I think ZW has a terrible habit of making empty promises. Things he says off the top of his head, things he agrees to or promises to do.. but never does. Even simple things like being punctual seem beyond his ability. I don't know. It's tiring, and I come from a family who believes in being punctual. And it irks me to hell.

I just feel so let down recently.... so utterly dissatisfied. Sometimes I think I'm being too clingy and needy, which may be true. But is it really too much to ask for your man to step up to the plate, and not always be absent or distant? He always seems distracted, even when I'm right in front of him. Or he simply chooses not to respond.

I know he's tired. But hell, so am I. I do the same bloody job. I know the hours. I know the pressure. But I'm not absent. I'm not distant. And I'm always there for him when he needs me. I'm not sure I can say the same thing about him.

I feel like a kid with divorced parents. You know how it is. One parent gets main custody, but the other parent is expected to show up once in a while. And I feel like that kid waiting at the doorstop, told that daddy is gonna pick me up on Sunday and we're gonna have a ball of a time! And I've packed carefully and sitting patiently by the door... but daddy never turns up. And maybe the next day, I might get a phone call, oh I'm so sorry but something came up, I promise you, next week ok?

After a while, you get the feeling that he's never gonna show up. And you stop waiting.

It's not that I expect to see him all the time. I get it. We both work in sucky jobs. It's hard to meet, most days you just want to go home and crash. I get it. What really pisses me off is when he says he's gonna show up, and doesn't.

Empty promises. Not much different from fucking lies. And after a while, it's hard to care anymore.

Music's Lingering Effect

2011-10-14T12:46:00.000+08:00

Music has always left an indelible mark on me, and certain songs act as markers for key events or periods in my life. So even years after I first heard the song, listening to it again will trigger a flood of memories, feelings - sometimes happy, others, not so much.

Britney Spears will always have a special place in my heart, but probably not for the right reasons. I still recall in Secondary One, in a burst of showmanship, a classmate broke out into "Baby, One More Time." Except, she didn't know the lyrics and instead of "Oh Baby, Baby...", she sang lustily "Oh maiden, maiden..."

Ahh the sweet joy of studying at a cheena school.

Jay Chou is also my childhood sweetheart and Chinese tutor. I would spend hours pouring over his lyrics, trying to decipher the meanings, learning all the words by heart. It was this same love that made me struggle through KTV sessions, blindly attempting to follow the lyrics on the screen. I would always credit Jay Chou and Chinese manga for my amazing Chinese results for the O Levels. A2 for exam and DISTINCTION for oral ok! I know, I think I cheated too. Or showed too much leg to the examiner.

And I also associate certain songs with my relationship with F. We both shared a love for pop music, top 40s and whatnot. It was one of the things we had in common. When we became a couple after 6 months of just friends, the 98 degrees song "why are we still friends" was playing on the radio.

Not a big hit, and terrible cheesy, but it seemed to sum up our feelings at that time.

And when we broke up, I still remember F posting Kelly Clarkson's "Already Gone" on his Facebook wall. The lyrics seemed to describe our relationship, or the end of it, perfectly. That was the same song that finally caused me to cry. When I heard the lyrics "remember when the poison set in", it nearly set me over the edge. For a few months, I couldn't stand to listen to that song. And till this day, I still feel a tinge of sadness hearing the song.

ZW and I do not share the same musical tastes. He's more of a J-pop and classical music type, while I'm still firmly entrenched in pop music.

But with his killer pipes, he once seranaded me with Jacky Cheung's 如果，爱. Of course I fell madly and insanely in love. And that will always be my courtship song.

And during the first few months of our relationship, when things were a blur and I was constantly bogged down by guilt, ZW never pushed me. He just kept trying to lift me out of the gloom that I chose to surround myself with, the guilt that was eating away at me. And that's when I heard Beyonce's "Halo". The soaring choruses, her etheral pipes... made me think just how supportive he was.

Of course, another of her song also comes onto my playlist when I'm frustrated with ZW. While I do not quite face the same issues as in her song "If I Were A Boy", the intention is there. The lack of understanding, the pigheadedness of malehood, the stupidity of the men.

So why this sudden walk down musical memory lane?

Cos I'm facing hell at work, and sometimes, the only thing keeping me going is Demi Lovato's "Skyscraper". Her vocals aren't great, but her backstory is. A former chronic cutter and bulimic, the former Disney teen star checked herself into rehab when she realised her downward spiral. She recorded the song when she was still in rehab. After she recovered, she re-recorded the song, but it didn't have the same haunting feeling to it. And she also went public with her struggles.

And right now, I'm identifying with her pain.

Skies are crying, I am watching
Catching teardrops in my hands
Only silence, as it's ending,
like we never had a chance.
Do you have to, make me feel like there is nothing left of me?

[Chorus]
You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like I'm made of glass
Like I'm made of paper
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper
Like a skyscraper

As the smoke clears I awaken,
and untangle you from me
Would it make you, feel better
to watch me while I bleed?
All my windows, still are broken
But I'm standing on my feet

[Chorus]
You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like I'm made of glass
Like I'm made of paper
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper
Like a skyscraper

[Bridge]
Go run, run, run
I'm gonna stay right here
Watch you disappear, yeah
Go run, run, run
Yeah it's a long way down
But I am closer to the clouds up here

You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like i'm made of glass
Like i'm made of paper,

Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper
Like a skyscraper
Like a skyscraper
Like a skyscraper

So I've Been Absent...

2011-09-24T23:40:00.000+08:00

Sorry for the long spell of silence. Have been busy with work, life... stuff.

Anyway, I'm currently blogging from the Fairmont Hotel and guess what? I've been doing live reporting on the Singapore F1 night race.

I know - your first thought is probably - what the heck do I know about the F1? And you're not too far off the mark. When I was told of my assignment, my jaw literally dropped and I had to ask for time off to do research. And let me say it was not pretty - literally building up from ground zero.

I never knew such a sexy word as "chicane" existed. And now it's part of my vocabulary.

We've been reporting from the rooftop of Fairmont Hotel, which gives us a stunning view of the Marina Bay street circuit. If you're on my Facebook, you've probably seen shots of the circuit lit up at night. And we get up close to the action, hearing the roar of the engines of cars speeding pass. One word - exhilarating.

Of course, the same roar is not so fun when it comes to reporting live. I have to maintain a smile on my face, remember my lines, try not to wilt under the glare of the bright lights and contend with the overpowering scream of the race cars hurtling 300km/hour.

The first night, I was hit by a bolt of food poisoning just before going on air 4 times in a row. I think that qualifies as one of the worst nights of my life. I couldn't eat and could only force water down, I was pale and sweaty, the roof suddenly seemed very high above ground (and I don't have vertigo) and I had to grit my teeth.

I went home and puked that night. Well, I actually collapsed on my bed. ZW came over to comfort me and when he leaned over for a hug, I hopped up and projectile vomited. Not my best moment. Did I mention diarrhea?

I fell into a feverish stupor and waking up on Saturday morning, I looked like some creature that crawled out of the swamp. Half of me wanted to give up and call it quits, and the other screamed to get up (well, ZW did some screaming to). In the end, I stumbled into the toilet and stood in the shower until I felt better.

And surprisingly, I did. And I must say, it was worth the effort dolling up and standing up to the lights.

Well, it's the big race tomorrow, so fingers crossed that it goes well.

Restoring balance...

2011-08-06T20:21:00.000+08:00

Well, the boyfriend and I decided to hang out separately for the evening, and I think that's the balance we've been missing.

See, we're used to seeing each other maybe twice a week, thanks to our hectic work schedules that makes it almost impossible to meet on work nights. Put us together 24/7, where the only escape for some solitude is the toilet, and the tendency for misunderstandings shoots way up.

So tonight, I decided that I didn't want to travel 1.5 hours from Yokote (a tiny town we're camped out at) to Akita (couldn't get hotels there) to see a festival that we'd already caught yesterday. But the boy wanted to go to get in a few more shots before we move on to Sendai for the rest of the vacation.

During his absence, I went for a facial (his treat) that I managed to procure after some vigorous hand wrangling at the beautician who thankfully, spoke 10 words of English (seriously, I counted and I've never been so glad). Our hotel also has an in-house onsen and having developed a real taste for the practice during our last vacation, I spent another blissful hour soaking in scorching water that I fervently believe is good for the body. I feel my soul restored.

Perhaps you would say the separation was long overdue and that I should have thought of it days ago. Thing is, hanging out on my own in Japan is no easy feat. Outside of Tokyo (and frankly even in the capital) no one speaks English, menus and directions are all in Japanese.

I'm basically at the will and whim and fancy of ZW, dependent wholly on him to get us from point A to point B. And if he ain't moving, so aren't I. Which can be frustrating as he may want to linger in a place longer while I want to move on, or vice versa. Alas, such is life. I'm just thankful that for the most part, I've done what I've needed and wanted to do with few complaints from him.

And truth be told, ZW has been an absolute champ in recent days. Stupidly, I lost my beautiful pink camera (either in Aomori or Hirosaki, I can't remember) and was initially terrified of what he would think, as that's the second present from ZW that I've managed to lose (a Burberry pink key pouch was the first).

But instead of berating me, as I fully expected him to do, he wrapped me in a hug and said it was ok, and that it was just a camera. He also accompanied me to Hirosaki AND Aomori, retracing all our steps and even lodged a police report (side note: the policeman was so surprised to learn that we were Singaporean I think he was more interested in finding out about us rather than writing the report).

Sure, ZW eventually nagged and chided me a little, but he didn't lose his temper, nor did he refuse to help me ask around, and for that, I can't help loving him even more.

I thought this vacation would make us all the more loving and tight, that it would be a barrel of laughs and we'd breeze through it. But instead, we met with arguments and heated exchanges, and there were seriously times when I despaired and wondered where this relationship was heading.

But I think I've gained a little more insight into what really makes a good relationship - and that's knowing you can count on your other half for support and help, even when the chips are down and you're not exactly seeing eye-to-eye.

While hugs and kisses, gifts and candlelight dinners are all fine and dandy, true romance is when the sun is beating down, throats parched and legs tired from a futile search, your other half willing takes another step and approaches the next person to inquire about a missing pink camera. <3 <3

Traveling with your loved one 24/7...

2011-08-04T00:43:00.000+08:00

... can yield some great memories, but can also severely test the bonds of the relationship.

Being in close quarters with someone all day, and a foreign country no less, can sometimes bring out the worst in people.

Traveling already has its own set of trials, what with catching trains and navigating. But when you put two people with fiery tempers together, things can and do get ugly.

Perhaps due to the rushed nature of this current trip that I'm taking with zw - we were literally working up till the last moment before boarding the plane - things have seemed a little harried and hurried.

I was feeling so exhausted that i slept in the first few days, which to zw, is a cardinal sin as "we didn't pay thousands of dollars to sleep". Fair enough, but he wasn't exactly jumping out of bed at the crack of dawn. The only jumping he does is to roll over to hit the snooze button.

And since i'm unable to speak japanese, i'm once again wholly dependent on him to translate and basically, talk to me or else i'd go stir mad. So if he's in a huff or moody and non-responsive, it can feel awfully lonely, surrounded by voices you can't understand.

Case in point - i got out of bed late today and unable to wait any longer, zw left the hotel first to run some errands. Which was fine as we're in a tiny city that i'm pretty much familiar with.

But as i was rushing to get ready, the cleaning lady turned up and wanted to tidy up the room. i tried explaining that i needed 10 more minutes to be on my way. But she couldn't understand a word of english and we stood in the corridor, gesticulating wildly at each other.

She eventually brought me to the reception and i spent another 10 minutes explaining to the staff who eventually got what i was trying to say.

By then, i was already late meeting zw and was feeling thoroughly harassed. And i just knew he would say something snarky as to my tardiness. True to form, he remarked sarcastically if i had lost my way. Let's just say we spent a very quiet lunch, both left to stew in our own self righteous juices.

I think the one thing i have come to understand is that people don't really change, or it takes a really long time and not everyone has the patience to wait for the change to happen.

The ex promised me that he would be more expressive and let me know what he's thinking instead of expecting me to "just know" - a constant bone of contention. During our 7 years together, we would argue, he would try, we'd be happy for a while and then things would return to status quo.

What i finally understand is that he had 17 years to cultivate such a personality and habit. And 7 years ain't enough to break him of it. Certainly, towards the end, i could see some change. But my patience had run out, we had other issues, and that was that.

In zw's case, he's had over 20 years to cultivate an explosive temper. i know he's been working at it, even before i appeared on the scene. He too has said on many occasions that he's trying to be a better man.

Similarly, i've had 20 years of practice in acting defiantly and cultivating a lashing tongue - the ability to retort even before i've thought things through. Sometimes i succeed in biting my tongue and taking a deep breath. I'm not always successive.

I do believe people can change, just that it takes a really, really long time and the right incentive. Question is - can we be bothered to wait?

A silly little thing called love

2011-07-12T12:48:00.001+08:00

Last night, while having a HTHT (that's heart-to-heart talk) with one of my editors circa midnight, said editor turned to me and opined, "there's this void in me, Joanne".

And the way it was said struck such a chord in me. The editor, who's single, was talking about missing out on love. And was still waiting for that special someone.

So really, why do people pursue a career so valiantly, sometimes at the expense of love?

I'm not saying there's no value in a career, I get it, there's a sense of achievement, goal-setting, ambition.

But if there's no one to share it with, is there really a point to all that ambition? What's the point of pumping your fist in the air in victory, but turning around and finding no one there to really congratulate you? Just empty faces and empty claps?

Whenever I have good news, or bad news, I find myself immediately seeking ZW's opinion, or wanting to tell him first.

Be it a promotion, or a fight, or frustration, I want his support, his words, his thoughts, his comfort. And I hope I do the same for him too.

No matter how bad a day has been, there's nothing, nothing in this world, that feels better than being engulfed in a tight embrace, being kissed on the forehead and told everything will be okay.

I feel the relentless climb up the corporate level is only worth it if there's someone to share it with.

Sure, there's family. But the funny thing is, we tend to take family for granted. We always assume that they will be there, even if we don't do anything. We move continents to further our career, spend time apart, sometimes forgetting to talk, all safe in the knowledge that family will always be there. There's often little effort involved.

But a relationship is different. Work at it or you may find yourself out of one. Neglect it too much and it may all be over.

And it's that work that intensifies the bond, and makes it all the more magical, every emotion more powerful.

Anyway, back to the editor, I actually said, we have to find said editor a partner.

And my parting shot? That a relationship makes me want to try harder at work, be more efficient, because I have a motivating force. I want to complete my work on time, get out of the office, and have a life. I want to be a lean, mean machine and cut out the chatter, remove myself from politics and day-to-day frustrations, because there's someone waiting for me and I cannot afford to be idle.

And I'd move heaven and earth to be with him.

The one about the boat....

2011-06-11T10:54:00.000+08:00

My life is starting to feel like I'm adrift at sea in a boat I'm not particularly fond of.

The captain is starting to annoy me, the first-mate is starting to annoy me, the boat feels rudderless and moving without any real sense of purpose. It's just moving because it has to.

So why don't I get off? Because I don't see another vehicle in sight.

In the beginning, I imagined myself standing on an island and I had to step off off as I could no longer live there.

Without knowing what to do, I looked to the sea, the sky.. anywhere for a sturdy vehicle to take me somewhere.

So along came this boat and I was like, why not? So I hopped on.

But it's been over 3 years and I'm starting to feel trapped. I gaze out at sea, hoping to find an alternative seacraft... and I see nothing.

I think there are people who have faced a similar situation. Some see another yacht on the horizon, shiny and desirable, but feel like the distance is too far to swim and choose to stay put.

Others may choose to leap into the waters without a boat in sight, and know that they can float on their backs until something comes along.

Me? I don't see a boat in sight, and I'm not particularly good at swimming. And so I find myself frozen in place, unhappy, but in doubts over my ability to survive, or to try something new.

Cowardice and lack of direction is really, really, starting to piss me off.

I used to think that going on holidays was the solution - giving me the time to cool off, recharge and come back reset at zero and ready to deal with the challenges.

But lately, it just feels like I'm escaping and when I do have to return to reality, nothing has changed, and the angst simply builds up.

Back to regular programming...

2011-05-17T15:08:00.000+08:00

It was a whirlwind 17 days of GE, during which I would collapse on my bed every night out of exhuastion, only to jump up in the morning and hit the ground running again.

I think it was raw adrenaline (and copious amounts of ginseng) that kept me going. Because the moment all the excitement was over, I fell brutally sick.

During those crazy days, I would literally wake up with my mind racing through the things I had to do for the day, trying to remember all that was said the night before and the new issues I had to bring up.

My phone was always beside me, and I would pick up calls on the first ring - never knowing if it was to send me on my next job, or to inform me of last minute changes.

The only time I got to see the boyfriend was in-between jobs, because I needed a place to crash and his house was nearer to my office than mine.

For the campaign period, I was almost always exclusively dipping in the blue pool, although I did do some mingling with the whites and orange.

And it's interesting to see three different political parties at different stages of evolution - the men in white representing perhaps a slightly bygone era, dressed in slightly faded clothing, sitting in old-fashioned saloons and discussing better times.

Then you have the guys in blue - it's taken them some time to polish up, but they most certainly have gotten their act together. Dressed in modern gear and speaking modern day lingo, these guys get the issues, and have hit the ground running with them.

And finally you have the scruffy teens in orange. A hodge-podge of people from all sorts of backgrounds, it is a team held together by the same uniform they wear, and little else. The leaders never really seem in charge, and anyone willing to speak up can make a name for themself.

It's easy to see why the blue party has been able to ascend so quickly. While not markedly different from the current ruling government so as not to create too much discomfort, it also speaks to the growing tide of resentment that seems to be bubbling ever so vigorously these days.

The thing about the current ruling party is that it's not doing a supremely terrible job, perhaps it's getting worn around the ages, but nothing earth-shatteringly bad.

Which is why those parties which chose the rhetoric of demolishing everything the current party has established, and demonising them to the point of religious fervour.. never quite took off. You can't expect the electorate to swing so left so quickly.

As we await the first sitting of Singapore's 12th Parliament, I can only wonder just how much impact those 6 election opposition MPs will make. And further down the road, if they will consolidate and strengthen their position, or will they go the way in 1997, and be cut down to size?

Election fever

2011-05-04T16:27:00.001+08:00

It's been a whirlwind... I dunno how many days.

Time seems to have stood still since parliament was dissolved.

Think it's my 12th straight day of working. And not just working, but working insanely long and tiring hours.

I think i'm getting five hours of sleep maybe?

Morning walkabouts, afternoon conferences, evening rallies. I leave the office after midnight and arrive at my assignment at 9.

Some of you know that covering the GE has been a long desire of mind, putting aside holidays and job opportunities.

But damn, it's slowly ripping me apart. Luckily only 3 more days to go.

Jason derulo

2011-04-24T21:33:00.001+08:00

Not sure if you guys have heard of him, but he's the guy who sang "in my head".

Fun, clubbish-type of song. That in itself is no great shakes.

But the song never fails to make me smile because it was THE song of the moment when i was in China, during the asean-china youth camp, where i met ZW

Jason derulo

2011-04-16T12:50:00.001+08:00

Not sure if you guys have heard of him, but he's the guy who sang "in my head".

Fun, clubbish-type of song. That in itself is great shakes.

But the song never fails to make me smile because it was THE song of the moment when i was in China, during the asean-china youth camp, where i met ZW

I think i'm getting old...

2011-04-09T02:53:00.001+08:00

It's been ages since i last visited a club.

With my busted ankle, limited stamina and alcohol-dulled senses, i'm actually blogging.

Hmm.. Think i'm over this whole clubbing thing.

Oh, and i'm getting old.

Inward looking

2011-04-05T16:56:00.001+08:00

I can't remember what sparked the conversation, but one balmy night after work, i started talking to this editor.

And somehow, the conversation drifted to moving overseas.

The editor then gave me this sage advice: "a relationship has to be very strong if a couple decides to uproot and move overseas."

"And it's important to have a core group of friends, otherwise, the relationship becomes inward looking, and can crumble."

That statement struck me, simply because ZW has expressed a desire to go overseas.

And really, in all likelihood, i would go with him. Japan, London... Wherever the winds blow us.

Since i have no concrete plans, it's highly likely that i'd not do anything for a while, trying to set up a home in a foreign land.

Would i be able to set up a strong support network too? Or would i become so overly dependent on ZW for human contact that it strangles him?

When we holidayed in Japan, i broke down at one point because i felt so isolated.

Deep into our vacation, ZW was the only person whom i could speak to, converse with, ask questions of. He was my intepreter, my only contact.

And when he chose not to talk to me, or do translation, i felt all alone and isolated.

So the idea of going away for a prolonged period of time, while exciting, is also very, very scary.

Relationships are like rechargeable batteries...

2011-03-22T00:26:00.001+08:00

When it's new, everything it touches is super fired up and energised.

And then the battery power starts to fade. If you remember, you quickly plug yourself into a wall socket to get a much needed boost.

Health restored, you're ready to go again.

But sometimes, something major hits and it drains the power so quickly, you're left with nothing to work with. And left wondering what the hell happened.

I'm not sure, but i think i just got hit. And there's no wall socket in sight.

mindfucked

2011-03-20T19:10:00.001+08:00

I'm not a fucking mind reader. So don't blame me if my well-meaning intentions do not comply with your non-communicated desires.

This is ridiculous on so many levels.

Mindfucked.

Now the quake gets personal...

2011-03-12T00:24:00.000+08:00

I suppose you must have heard that the biggest earthquake to hit Japan struck on Friday afternoon.

I spent the whole day chasing down Singaporeans to interview, and finally got through.

Just when I thought I was done with the situation.. well, the situation just got personal.

My mum and sis are en-route from New York to Japan, before coming back to Singapore.

The last I heard, their flight got delayed, and I'm not sure whether chaos would greet them at Japan. I just hope flights can still get out of Narita.

And now the boyfriend is being sent to the actual disaster site to report.

I'm terrified. The whole newsroom was fixated on the images coming out of Sendai. Entire coasts, homes, vehicles, farmland were wiped out in sheer minutes. The tsunami spread so quickly, some cars became trapped. We saw people run out of their cars and make a dash for it, running somewhere, anywhere, to get away from the black water threatening to overwhelm them.

Aftershocks are expected. And ZW might be walking into them. Hello sleepless nights..

A snippet of what happens when logic meets excitement...

2011-03-07T22:00:00.000+08:00

It all started with an article from the New York Times travel section...

me: http://travel.nytimes.com/2011/03/06/travel/06bahia-bustamante.html?ref=travel

Lin: Rooms are $215 a night, including three home-cooked meals a day and all the malbec you can throw back.

wow

if that isnt ex i dunno what is...

me: but but but... it's 400 guests allowed in a year!!!

it's all the wildlife nature up close and personal

Lin: yes yes

it does seem very good

(.. some discussion..)

Lin: if i were to go, i would stay at least a week

and buy at least one expensive telephoto lens to bring along

a trip like this would cost me at least 5k sgd

me: yessss but wouldn't it be totally worth it???

that's like a trip of a lifetime!

Lin: there are many "trips of a lifetime"

me: ostriches!!! penguins!!!

Lin: italy for me was a trip of a lifetime

me: especially penguins!!!

!!!!!!!!!

Lin: japan was a trip of a lifetime

you take the bait too easily baby

you're the advertiser's dream

me: .... you just deflated all my exclamation marks

now i feel empty

Lin: haha just want you to get real

there's no such thing as trip of a lifetime

unless you intend to die after your last trip

me: why can't i have multiple trips of a lifetime??

every trip should be memorable!

Lin: because then the phrase wont have any meaning

what does trips of a lifetime mean??

me: it means i've had a good life

so there

Lin: ...

New project

2011-03-06T22:20:00.001+08:00

So…. I’ve started a new blog. Borne out of a need to do something new, a secret desire to a be travel writer, and an appreciation for ZW’s photos.

I’ve created a travel blog. Still trying to get the tone right. It’s a cross between travel writing and travel information.

Whenever I travel, I do get requests from friends asking about accommodation and things to do. So here it is!

Let me know if you have any thoughts! All comments appreciated!

It’s called He Shoots, She Writes. For obvious reasons.

There are only 2 posts so far… but I’m getting there!

Spending Time With The Girls

2011-03-06T22:02:00.001+08:00

It’s always a challenge finding time to meet up with my friends. If I’m not working, I’m usually passed out on my bed. If I’m lucky, I get to squeeze in time with my honey bunny.

Just the other day, we both realised that the honeymoon period is pretty much over and the starry-eyed lovers ain’t so starry-eyed anymore.

Cute quirks have been replaced by annoyances, tempers are a little more frayed, and arguments are a lot more frequent then necessarily.

We both agreed that we spend so little time together that it’s almost like we have to reestablish a connection each time we meet.

Guess what people, we are no longer just giggly lovers. We’re – dare I say it – in a relationship. Oh help us both.

Anyway, that aside, I was talking about meeting up with the girls.

First up – celebrating Sylvia’s birthday! Shawn was upset that we didn’t wait for him… but it’s very difficult coordinating 4 people’s schedules, ok?

We gave Sylvia something cute and cuddly to hug at night. Just what every girl needs. :)

Meet meh-meh!

Disgustingly good chocolate cake with vanilla ice cream

Meh-meh and chicken in a basket.

What? Cannot act cute issit?

Happy birthday girl!

Next up… meet the volleyball girls. I can’t believe it’s been more than a year since I last saw them. It’s amazing how we can go from seeing someone 3 times a week for 3 years… to not seeing the person for a year.

We’ve all aged a little – a little more jaded, a little more tired, but still a whole lotta bitchy. HAHA!

Meet: The special education teacher, the normal teacher, the reporter, the finance analyst, the banker

For some strange reason, the flash on my camera only lit up half the picture. Damn lighting in IndoChine.

Say cheese!

A Tale Of Two Differences

2011-03-05T00:06:00.000+08:00

Attraction can sure be a funny thing. There's really little basis for it - all that talk about commonalities and whatnot.. I'm more inclined to believe the whole "opposites attract" theory.

Just look at ZW and I.

I email him fruity articles about love and attraction. He emails me stuff from the Economist about property markets.

When we browse at magazines stands, he heads for the current affairs and photography section. I'm permanently parked in the entertainment and fashion portion.

As he describes his passion for the Discovery channel, I'm nodding and flicking over to E! Entertainment.

I have this mental image of us sitting on a couch in some distant future, and he's reading the Financial Times (which he says he loves) and I'm flipping People magazine.

I think the reason why this somehow still manages to work is that we don't try to change who the other person is. Sure, there are differences that annoy and grate on one another. Things that can end in shouting matches or angry words being exchange. (I swear he's the only person who can sound annoyed saying "Baby!")

But at the end of the day, we are who we are (shit, did I just quote Ke$ha? Or as Principal Figgins from Glee would call her, "Ke-dollar sign-ha")

Some people go into relationships thinking you can mold the other person into this ideal personality, or that something you dislike can be changed over time.

If I've learnt anything, it's that people don't change that much. Just that love can make you want to compromise on certain points, slow that sharp tongue and think before yelling.

And another thing I love about ZW - he said he doesn't believe in compromise, 'cos that means giving up something about yourself. Rather, a relationship is about understanding and seeing the other person's point of view, instead of just caving in for the sake of harmony.

<3<3<3

Random photos of us

2011-02-20T22:40:00.003+08:00

Thought it'd be nice to put up some photos that are either too random, or too few to make it to facebook.

Ever since ZW bought me a camera, I've been snapping a lot more pictures, but never know what to do with them.

Hey, what's a camera for, right?

When Cheryl was back in Singapore

Our Christmas stay Wanderlust

Cam-whoring in the glass lift

Dinner at the hotel's restaurant, Cocette. Fabulous food. Stuffed ourselves silly

Christmas day lunch with the family

2011-02-19T01:43:00.003+08:00

I'm Stuck In A Rut

At work, in life... just stuck.

It's like being in limbo - there's no sense of movement, just a floating sensation that time is passing me by, but nothing concrete is happening.

It gets worse.. I'm not even sure what's a viable alternative. Seriously, I think I'm in a sucky position, but what's a better option?

Sometimes I wonder how I got here. I had a defined path, I was actively pursuing it.. and then the winds blew me here. And I've been here for 3 years, and still not sure what I'm doing.

And that's really the story of my life. I see the pattern repeated over and over again. Just when I put my mind down and decide on a course of action, after I've made peace with it... the winds of fate blow me completely off course.

So am I waiting for the next gust of wind? Have the heavens grown bored of me? Am I finally left to my own devices?

Yes, I'm in a rather dramatic mood at this hour.

In other, completely unrelated news... I met a mutual friend of F and mine today. We starting chit chatting and I know he meant no harm..

He mentioned that F told him bits and pieces of how things ended, and he said I cheated on him.

Cheated. Such an ugly word.

But I guess it was simply calling a spade a spade.

I don't regret my decision, I really don't.

Perhaps the only thing I do possibly regret is that I started something when I was still in a relationship.

But hey, the best advice I received, strangely enough, came from F.

He said the heart is seldom wrong.

2011-02-13T11:57:00.002+08:00

The Pursuit of Patience

The more I stay in this job, the shorter my patience is. Seriously.

When deadlines are counted not in weeks, not days, but in HOURS... every second becomes important.

Every decision starts taking on consequences - do I eat lunch to power through the day, but it's 1.30pm and 2pm requires a few lines... you get the point.

And because time is so tight, I have no patience for long chats.

The brutal nature of broadcast is that you spend very little time actually talking to your interviewee, trying to get to the bottom of things. Because ultimately, that 30 minute interview is going to turn up as a 20-second soundbite.

And so, sadly, I'm starting to apply that to my life. I find myself increasingly cutting people off mid-sentence.

Like my brain is on auto-mode, and if my brain assesses that your sentence is going nowhere, I jump in with questions. If you start rattling, I get impatient and try to divert the conversation to something more interesting. Skip the soliloquies please, and just get to the point.

ZW hates that. I can't entirely blame him. He thinks I'm not listening. He's wrong - I'm just selectively listening.

Shit, I have the attention span of a cockel spaniel.

I got on the weighing scale today...

2011-01-19T13:00:00.000+08:00

And got the shock of my life.

I've put on so much weight since i got together with ZW.

Happiness is making me fat.

I've always been curvy, but hopefully in a sexy way.

This development, however, is.... Disturbing.

Argh.

2011-01-05T21:48:00.003+08:00

Polygamy...

At work people, at work. In life, I'm monogamous, ok?

Being a bi (tri?) platform reporter is sucking the life blood out of me.

While we're expected to be like Mormon, polygamous men and treat all wives equally - attention, love, sex, money - I'm starting to feel more like a Chinese rich lord in ancient times - by taking on a new wife, I've neglected the old one.

What can I say - the new always looks brighter, shinier, more appealing. The old is familiar, comforting, but ultimately, tired.

So what's a girl to do?

The morning after

2011-01-02T13:54:00.001+08:00

I realise that my worst sides are exposed when i'm in a semi-drunken haze - selfish, insecure and petty. Case in point: last night's rant.

So in the harsh glare of the morning after's cold sobriety, i realise just how unfair i've been to Fadz.

Post-breakup, i've villianised him and victimised myself. And for what - to make myself feel better, to ease my conscience?

If i'm being honest, i was probably stung by how easily he walked away. That he was able to get over our 8-year relationship in a few months, and was able to fall in love again shortly after.

I never did give him credit for the dignified way he conducted himself. If he had refused to give up, or kept calling me, i don't think my relationship with ZW would have taken off.

In all likelihood, i probably would have been eaten alive by guilt and indecision and would have ended things with ZW.

Instead, fadz made the decision that i couldn't - he walked away and never looked back. In those crazy weeks following china, i was a mess. At one point, i even suggested that we just date, me and the two guys, till i worked out how i really felt.

Stupid. I'm just glad neither agreed to that awful proposition.

But ya, i wonder what would have happened if fadz had really attempted to hold me back, to put another plaster over our fractured relationship. Would i have relented?

The logical fadz i know and loved made the right decision ultimately - he saw the bigger picture. He knew that he was unable or couldn't love me the way i needed to be loved.

And ironically, he was the one who opened up my eyes to what it means to be loved, and what i deserved. And when we had both hurt each other and lost trust and faith in our relationship, it was no longer viable.

So rather than dwell on what it could have been and what i had lost, i shall instead, cherish and celebrate what we had.

Fadz will always be my first love, the first guy who made me realise that i'm deserving and capable of great love. I will remember how he didn't eat for a whole week to save his allowance to buy me a necklace (which i broke when i accidentally left it in my uniform that ended up in the washer). How he surprised me one birthday by turning up at midnight, homemade cake in hand. The endless hours of guitar hero, the shared passion for music. He also taught me how to appreciate football. So many happy memories.

So that's why i know i'd found something special when i met ZW. He reawakened all those suppressed feelings. I didn't realise that i was compromising myself, ignoring my needs and wants, and living out my days on a hope and prayer, living on past memories when the actual spark had died out.

So while i wish fadz all the best, i don't think i'm ready to revisit any sort of interaction with him. It simply brings up too much angst, too much nolstagia, and it's not healthy.

For now at least, i'm concentrating on building my current relationship. :)

2011-01-01T21:55:00.002+08:00

It's the new year!!

And I spent it in the most awesome manner... not working and in the company of my loved ones.

If today is any indication of the year ahead, I'm a happy girl.

There's nothing like waking up next to your loved one and rolling over for a big hug, spending a stormy afternoon baking in the kitchen while rocking out to great music, before settling down to a gut-busting sukiyaki dinner with the family.

Would have been the perfect day as I winded down in the evening with some good ol' travel research (yup, love the stuff).....

Until I opened FB and received a friend request from the ex. Huh. Left me speechless for a couple of minutes.

He spoke about new beginnings and stuff and left the ball in my court, i.e. it's up to me to add him. Or not. Not sure if he really wants me as a friend, wants to believe that everything is cool between us so that his conscience is clear before he proposes to his new girlfriend (haha!), or what.

Never was quite sure of what he was thinking of before, even less sure now.

So rather than speculate what he thinks.. here's what I think. I think it's weird. I know Alan and Li Wern said never say never and all that. That we are all adults and it's all in the past and we should shake hands and move on.

But my FB is a highly personal medium. I post a lot of inappropriate things on it, I add personal pictures and my life is quite an open, visual book.

To have the ex privy to that again is... weird. Similarly, do I want access to his life, to possible updates and pictures of his new relationship?

Sure, I know he reads my blog (or at least he did post-breakup) and I'm highly personal here too.

But that's HIS choice. He chooses to read my thoughts. If we're friends on FB, we're FORCED by the sheer nature of FB to see each other's updates, like a tiny prick on our conscious. And if I configured it such that I don't receive updates on him, then I might as well not add him, right?

Fadz will always be a part of me and I cherish certain memories of us together. There will always be certain triggers that evokes a memory that will bring a smile to my face, both bittersweet or otherwise.

But that's all the reminder I need of a life I once had.

I know some exes can be friends, but I'm not one of those people. How do you do it, anyway?

Maybe, maybe in the future, it might be possible. After all, we did make pretty good friends. Heck, we shared so many common interests, which might explain how we fell into a relationship.

But for now at least, it's simply... too weird.

2010-12-18T00:04:00.003+08:00

Soulmate vs Lover

Can the two be the same person?

Just because someone gets you, doesn't mean that person is right for a relationship.

And the reverse is true. You can be crazy about someone, but doesn't mean the person gets you all the time.

The way I see it, a soulmate falls into step with you, gets you and fits into your life.

What I want from my lover, or companion, is someone who challenges me, provides a different perspective and is willing to push my buttons in a way that makes me want to be a better person.

If you're lucky enough to find one person who fits both criteria, good for you.

But alas, life is never that perfect.

And me thinks, I should stop watching Korean dramas.

2010-12-14T19:33:00.003+08:00

I'm still just a kid at heart...

When it comes to relationships, I'm not sure how much I've grown up, if at all, over the years.

ZW says I act like a kid. In fact, he says it a lot. And as much as that raises my hackles, I'm not sure I can disagree entirely.

I'm still prone to sulking and pouting to get my way, I whine and weasel my way in and out of arguments, the angry hot tears come way more frequently than I would like..

I just wonder what it means to act like an adult though. Does it mean entering arguments like you would a business negotiation? All logic, with terms clearly stated, leaving emotions at the door?

Talking about issues in a rational manner, calmly, as if you're not ready to explode or yell or scream or express hurt?

Speak in measured tones that betray few signs of what you're really thinking or feeling?

I guess it's about not emotionally blackmailing a person. And when a female cries, we all know what that does to a guy's resolve.

I suppose it's not about going to extremes, but being able to hold a conversation, even when worked up, without resorting to wailing or shouting the first angry thought that comes into my head. Or worse, having this inner instinct to retort back sentence for sentence when I'm angry.

New year resolution, perhaps?

I hate being sick

2010-12-10T13:35:00.001+08:00

And while that may seem to be an understatement, i swear it's so much worst for me.

It's not just the physical weakness, the exhuastion that sets in, the endless sniffling and grabbing of tissue. The body chills...

It's the self-pity that really gets to me.

My brain starts going into overdrive, wondering if anyone would care if i died, if i would be one of those people whose body would be found only cos someone smelt something rotting...

Like i said, i really, really hate being sick.

I know i'm being awfully whiny, and unnecessarily melodramatic, but i can't help it. I can't turn it off.

I was planning to write this brilliant piece about the property market, the equivalent of "suck it up, money is king." and that only 2 people would understand.

But i don't think in the right frame of mind.

Well, at least this took up 5 minutes of my time. Now back to the regular programming of sulking and self pity. Oh me.

2010-11-23T20:57:00.005+08:00

Life Can Take Many Unexpected Twists

Had a moment of reflection this morning, in the most unexpected of places.

I was swimming in a private bay that belongs to the Ritz Carlton in Bahrain, where I'm currently stationed for the week for work.

So there I was, all alone on this gorgeous beach, surrounded by blue green water, with the towering Bahrain financial centre in the distance.

I looked up into the azure sky, and it suddenly hit me how strange this all was.

If you had asked me at the start of this year to predict how my life would be like for 2010, my wildest guess probably wouldn't have come close to taking an overseas working trip to Bahrain.

Who would have thought that my life would change so much in just 11 months. I ended an 8-year relationship which at one point, I thought would have led to marriage and a total life-changer.

I started a new relationship in the strangest of ways - meeting a stranger in a foreign land and tumbling head over heels in a matter of days.

My bosses appear to trust me with more responsibilities - which may or may not be a good thing (hah).

I travelled more in this past year than the last few years combined.

And now I'm staying at the Ritz Carlton for one whole damn week.

Can I just say how trippy the Middle East is?

Being part of the President's entourage has been an eye-opener. Traffic being stopped for the escorted motorcade, being driven around in a BMW, complete with beefy, scary, hilarious Arab driver, meeting kings and princes... just crazy.

So when I say life can taken many unexpected twists... all i can is, go with it. You never know just how far from home you can get.

2010-11-20T16:55:00.003+08:00

Hello from Bahrain!

Arrived relatively early and thanks to a serious stroke of luck, I'm staying at the best hotel in the state, breezed through the vip clearance at the airport and am now just settling in.

Not that I was a total bum, I tested the equipment and everything is up and running ok!

My cameraman rocks, the internet is smooth.. now I just need to make sure that the ol' noggin doesn't fail me.

Meanwhile, since the VVIP is not here yet.. think I shall go take a spin at the pool... wheee!!

2010-11-17T21:49:00.002+08:00

High School Never Really Ends

The stereotypes, the cliches, the cliques... it never goes away. From school to work, you can just as easily pick out certain types or fall into a certain category.

The hot girl with the hair toss, the overachieving guy whom everyone laughs at, the bad boy who brings the booze, the sagely one who oversees from afar, the ditz, the fat one, the blur one... and so on.

Whispered exchanges in the corridors, girls sitting around talking about relationships, guys high-fiving each other when their football team wins...

Tears, anger, backstabbing, yelling... it all just makes for a normal day at work.

Seriously, with all the hormones running around, it's a wonder we get any work done.

2010-11-14T15:05:00.002+08:00

And I'm Off Again...

This time to Bahrain. For work. Leaving on Saturday.

When I first had the notion that this was going to be my travel year, I never envisaged it being THIS crazy.

Just a short 5-day jaunt. But it's my first tv thingy, so rather stressed out.

I pray nothing goes wrong.

Oh, and life has picked up again. I guess it's really true. When you feel down in the dumps and like life is pissing rain on you.. somehow, things do come around.

Looking forward to Christmas!

depressed

2010-11-11T10:17:00.001+08:00

Things are not going well. On any front.

The best and worst gift ever

2010-11-10T13:25:00.001+08:00

As much as i hate being alone, i occasionally enjoy the odd moment of being a recluse.

Shutting myself in my room, turning on the a/c, snuggling under the covers and watch endless tv.

I'm a huge tv addict. American tv to be exact. I can spend hours mesmerised by what's in front of me.

Unfortunately, a lot of the stuff is not available in Singapore (damn lousy cabLe).

No matter,there's always Internet streaming.

But therein lies another problem - it's difficult to find a good link, it stops halfway or takes forever to load.

Just 2 days ago, ZW witnessed the level of my madness when i stayed up till 4am trying to load a damn episode of Vampire Diaries (no judging, the guys are really hot ok?)

Being the bestest, he gave me possibly one of the best presents ever - paid subscription to a streaming website - thinking that it'd solve my agony.

Except that it hasn't really. I'm not sleeping any earlier cos now i'm watching MORE shows. I'm even trying to watch before i start work.

Goodbye world, hello laptop.

Seriously, who the heck would want to go to work and face people you can't stand, doing work that's uninspiring, when i can veg out in my pjs?

Six

2010-11-09T14:46:00.001+08:00

Without fanfare, our 6-month anniversary passed over us.

Has it really been half a year already? Has time moved so quickly?

We didn't celebrate... We were both working - me night shift, him graveyard... And we both kinda forgot the date even.

Oh well.

But what a six months.

While i'd like to report that things have been moving without a hitch, life alas, is not quite a fairytale.

As much as i'm still very young (ahem), my take on a relationship is less starry eyed, and dare i say it, more realistic.

Japan was a great experience not just cos it was fun, but it really showed what a life together meant, being together all the time.

I think it helped me stop being so clingy, becos i learnt the value of time apart. To have time to cool down after a fight, to have time to do your own thing without having to plan around someone else's needs and wants. Just enjoying being alone.

I admit - i'm a needy chick. I'm an emotional wreck and it can drive a person nuts with my need for reassurance.

At one point in our japan trip, we both reached a point where we were sick of being around each other so much we both agreed that we needed a short timeout to do our own thing.

And i think that was a healthy development. To admit that we didn't need to be around each other ALL THE TIME.

If i really want this to work, i need to know and feel that i'd be ok alone. That i don't need constant reminders to feel secure.

I'm not perfect, but i'm getting there.

So thanks for being patient baby, and happy anniversary. :)

2010-11-09T01:01:00.006+08:00

Amazing Japan

It's been a little over 2 weeks since I came back from Japan and it's starting to feel like a dream, a glorious, techni-colour dream.

I'd visited Japan on 2 previous occasions. And while those experiences were lovely, travelling with someone who understands the language and culture opens up a whole new dimension.

I finally felt like I could travel previously unexplored territory. Of course, this meant great frustration on ZW's part cos he was my translator. For those who know me, I fire off ten billion questions at a time. Trying to translate and ask questions on my behalf nearly drove him nuts. But that's the perk of him being my boyfriend. He CAN'T stay mad for long. HAHA.

Yes, we fought. I cried, screamed, yelled at him in public.. but we also laughed, loved and experienced joy together. So the good with the bad yeah?

Instead of trying to recreate my entire holiday (who wants to read that?)... here's my top 5 moments instead.

It's almost impossible to condense everything, but I tried.

Oh, and I wanted to put "wearing hairbands and not looking like a prick" as one of the entries, but felt it might be too bimbo.

Here's a picture anyway.

MY TOP FIVE JAPAN 2010 MOMENTS:

5. Eating great food.

1. Giant tempura rice bowl, Asakusa
2. Kaiseki meal at Shikisai, Nikko

How can a trip to Japan be complete without great food? From a quick run to the convenience store for piping hot oden, to street food takoyaki, to meticulously prepared kaiseki meal... every morsel tastes like love and attention has been put into it.

4. Apple picking.

Apple picking in Hirosaki

The apple park is impossibly happy. Kids laughing, idyllic walks through the apple trees, the smell of apple perfuming the air. Apple-related merchandise, food, the best apple ice cream in the world. We could have spent the whole day at the park, just sitting and watching the world go by.

3. Experiencing nature

1. One of 12 lakes in Juniko
2. Red leaves in Towadako
3. Oirase stream in Towadako

I've never been much of a nature girl but ZW is mad for it. So I often found myself huffing and puffing after him. Up mountain trails, through primary forests, circling sparkling blue lakes, freezing at a swamp.

But it was oh-so-worth-it. Some of the scenery I saw was heartachingly beautiful and the sometimes arduous trek only made it even better. Brilliantly clear lakes, shockingly green leaves and the ever elusive autumn colours were a sight to behold.

Only time I came close to losing it was when I asked ZW if I needed to wear boots for one leg, and he vaguely said no need cos it's mainly boardwalks. I even showed him my white shoes and he said it's fine. Luckily I stuck to boots because we ended up trekking TWO HOURS IN A DESERTED FOREST.

2. Onsening my way through some really great places.

Outdoor onsen at Michinoku, Shirakami

When ZW first suggested we go for onsens or hot spring baths, I had my reservations. As much as I'm not a prude, I wasn't about to walk about in mixed baths with my bits exposed for all the gross men to see. And much less, I didn't want to see other people's bits.

But the experience is simply worth the initial mental trauma. Mixed baths were still a no-no, but soaking in a pool of scalding hot water after freezing the whole day is sheer bliss. It's like comfort washes over you and you're forced to relax as your bones and muscles turn to puddle. And we're all women, boobs and pubic hair are really just... boobs and pubic hair. And it's rude to stare.

Besides, it's made me more comfortable in front of the camera. Hey, once you've stripped for other people, nothing fazes you.

1. Travelling with ZW.

Dandelion field in front of a museum, Aomori

He's never too tired to hug or kiss me, to offer a smile, or take care of me. Sure, he has his moments and is known to yell.

But he's the same guy who would patiently wait as I debate with myself for the umpteenth time if i should buy a pink camera pouch, check train timings late into the night while I've already snuggled deep under the covers, look on expectantly as I try out his food recommendations, and listen to me babble on about everything under the sun.

I'm happy & monday won't get me down

2010-11-08T13:29:00.001+08:00

Katy Perry - Teenage Dream (song in my head)

You think I'm pretty without any make-up on

You think I'm funny when I tell the punch line wrong

I know you get me, so I let my walls come down, down

Before you met me, I was a wreck

But things were kinda heavy, you brought me to life

Now every February you'll be my valentine, valentine

Let's go all the way tonight

No regrets, just love

We can dance until we die

You and I, we'll be young forever

You make me feel like I'm living a teenage dream

The way you turn me on, I can't sleep

Let's runaway and don't ever look back

Don't ever look back

My heart stops when you look at me

Just one touch, now baby I believe

This is real, so take a chance

And don't ever look back, don't ever look back

We drove to Cali and got drunk on the beach

Got a motel and built a floor out of sheets

I finally found you, my missing puzzle piece

I'm complete

Let's go all the way tonight

No regrets, just love

We can dance until we die

You and I, we'll be young forever

You make me feel like I'm living a teenage dream

The way you turn me on, I can't sleep

Let's runaway and don't ever look back

Don't ever look back

My heart stops when you look at me

Just one touch, now baby I believe

This is real, so take a chance

And don't ever look back, don't ever look back

I'ma get your heart racing in my skin-tight jeans

Be your teenage dream tonight

Let you put your hands on me in my skin-tight jeans

Be your teenage dream tonight

You make me feel like I'm living a teenage dream

The way you turn me on, I can't sleep

Let's runaway and don't ever look back

Don't ever look back

My heart stops when you look at me

Just one touch, now baby I believe

This is real, so take a chance

And don't ever look back, don't ever look back

I'ma get your heart racing in my skin-tight jeans

Be your teenage dream tonight

Let you put your hands on me in my skin-tight jeans

Be your teenage dream tonight

2010-11-07T11:25:00.001+08:00

I'm such an idiot

For the longest time, I figured no one reads my blog, cos I never receive any comments.

Turns out, I do receive comments, I just DON'T REALISE IT.

Apparently, blogger has been sending notifications of new comments posted to my old SMU email account.

Seeing how I haven't accessed that account since I started work...

Erm... sorry commentors. I'd try harder.

What are we rushing for?

2010-11-03T00:35:00.001+08:00

In life, some people are always pushing to accomplish something, rushing towards some pre-determined goal.

Every second is precious and every second not spent on trying to achieve your goal is a second wasted.

I'm not like that at all. I think i'm already so harrassed by work that i spend every non-work minute trying NOT to think, trying not to plan.

Because i'm forced to plan every second of my work. From the moment i start work, and this refers to the moment i hop onto the cab for my assignment.. I'm already planning.

Planning what to say, whom to interview, how to compose my story, how to optimise every minute so that i can meet daily deadlines, serve all platforms, and still go home on time.

Just today, i was harrassed by a comms person about what i wanted to ask a potential interviewee. This, after not giving the reporters any time to formulate a thought following the end of a briefing.

She kept harrassing and harrassing until i snapped and asked for a second to think and collect my thoughts.

So i'm incredibly possesive of my downtime to unwind after a day of being on edge.

It's critical to my well-being and sanity.

And i react violently to suggestions that i'm not living my life in a fulfilling manner simply because i'm not rushing to accomplish something.

I happen to like vegging out in front of mind-wasting tv.

I happen to like spending time catching up with my friends and family.

I happen to like not having to stress over my life and worry, worry, worry that i don't have a 'target' that i'm working towards.

I think the whole 'need to rush' feeling is a by-product of feeling one's mortality too keenly. That life is going to pass by too quickly. That you haven't left your mark on the world.

Me? I don't worry about that. I rather leave a strong impression on my loved ones, and know that they remember me fondly.

And that i also remembered to love myself, and not constantly have my panties in a bunch.

Apologies for the babble rant. Incredibly sleepy but also needed to get something off my chest.

Ok i'm done.

2010-10-29T23:39:00.002+08:00

You know what really sucks?

Two journos with irregular working hours attempting to have a relationship, that's what.

Ever since coming back from Japan, I feel like I've hardly had time to talk to ZW, much less meet up with him.

After 2 weeks of being around him 24/7 and having my every squeak, sigh and pout commented on, I miss his constant presence, as stalkerish as that may sound.

It's weird not being able to reach over and loop his arm around my shoulder. It sucks that our conversations don't take place face-to-face, where we can see each other's facial expressions.. and instead, have to rely on phones and google chat to act as our go-between.

Our schedules are totally unfriendly. When I'm on morning shift, he's at night. When I'm on night shift, he's in the morning.

My weekends are burned.. and he usually doesn't get weekdays off.

So much so that it's a Friday night, I'm at home cos I have to work tomorrow.. and my poor boyfriend is dragging his tired ass over to my house so that we can spend a little time together.. seeing how I have to work 13 hours tomorrow and go into the office on Sunday morning.

Lovely, just lovely.

2010-10-28T22:58:00.003+08:00

New Blog Skin

Just felt a change was in order.

My last blog skin was all black, the header picture was moody.. and reflected a different Joanne. A Joanne who needed change, who was restless, who was expecting something, but not quite sure what.

Well, I think I'm in a different place now.

A lot lighter (pity not physically, sigh), a lot more cheery.

Hence, a happier blogskin is called for.

Still a few kinks, but I'm getting there.

Still a dreamer, still longing to be a traveller. But also enjoying the joys of being a lover. :)

Pseudo art critic for the day

2010-10-26T11:50:00.000+08:00

At a media preview for the Lion King Musical!

Debuting March 2011 at the Marina Bay Sands...

Not sure how this is news, but as a casual bystander, i'm excited!

2010-10-24T23:34:00.002+08:00

I'm Back!

And depressed. I want to be back in Japan.

I've always loved Japan - the food, the fashion, the anything goes kinda attitude. Sure, it's not perfect - the repressed natures, the train suicides, the pressure to perform... but hey, who's perfect?

Anyway, being back in Japan, this time with someone who understands and has lived the culture... is a totally different experience. It's like I'm finally seeing a country not as a tourist, but as a part of it. It's like on some level, I merged a little into the current and became part of the flow.

Hope to get pictures up soon!

Japan in T minus...

2010-10-08T15:48:00.001+08:00

Yes, it's finally here!!! Just met the Zhao to get our train tickets... It's really happening!

There's this nervous mix of anticipation and anxiety. I've never travelled so long with him before.

Bali doesn't count cos it was only 2 days, plus there's not muuch planning or running around involved.

But 2 weeks in japan? The dynamics are going to be interesting. Will we argue (probably)? Will there be misunderstandings (count on it)? But will be also have a fantabulous time? Oh yeah baby.

Closure

2010-10-01T13:31:00.001+08:00

I suppose i finally got some answers. Some i already knew, some, i had chosen to ignore.

In the 5 months since i broke up with F, i never got over the feeling of guilt. Sure, i was euphorically in love, but there was a part of me that was also in pain. ZW warned me that the guilt could overwhelm our relationship and i swore it wouldn't. And i suppressed it.

But in the past week, those feelings bubbled up and in a fit of despair, i emailed Fadz. A long, blabbering email that was part apology, part therapy, and part plea for answers.

That's how i found out that he reads my blog. Ironically, when we were together, he never cared to read my blog or find out what i was thinking. But when we were apart, he became a blog stalker.

Anyway, he texted me to "stop being on edge".. And i was like fuck it, i'm calling him.

We talked for over an hour - almost like catching up with an old friend.

He told me he wasn't mad, that he got over being bitter, that yes, our relationship had run its course. And he had moved on (and i do mean, moved on).

For the first time in a long while, i found myself listening more than talking. F said he had been meaning to contact me, to tell me he's ok. But he never did.

(on a side note: thanks ah! For letting me go on being a martyr and hating on myself! But i guess although you didn't hate me, it didn't mean you had to make it easy either.)

We both agreed that the spark had died out a long time ago, and we were blindly chasing after something. Our ideal something.

He said i loved him more than he loved me (ohh, that one hurt), and he simply couldn't match up to what i wanted and needed.

His words felt like pricks into this wall of strength i had developed, but also filled a lot of gaps.

I guess i did try to mould him into what i wanted. In the beginning, perhaps he was willing to go along, being his first love. But as he gained confidence in himself, i became a shackle.

Meanwhile, i felt him distancing and instead of growing a backbone, i hang on. I guess it was inevitable he would fall for someone else.

At that point, i think it hurt so much not because i loved him so much (sure, there was that), but because he had become such a constant in my life and i couldn't deal with the upheaval.

We got back together eventually, which may or may not have been the right thing to do. I mean, everytime something goes wrong, he throws up a wall. I batter away at it and sometimes it works and things become good again. But it's always a stop gap solution.

So when we got back together, We both pledged that we'd try. Try to be what the other needed and wanted. As if we could really change.

What idiots we were. People don't change.

And we did accomplish that to a certain degree. We chose to tip toe around each other. Ignoring differences. You know, i don't think we fought in our last 3 years together. Not because we finally understood each other, but because we stopped caring about progressing the relationship and just wanted peace.

With my trust broken, i think i took a piece of my heart and locked it up. As if i was expecting to be hurt again, i took that piece of me and kept it safe. F couldn't hurt me again; but at the same time, i could never be so dedicated and let him in completely again.

And our relationship stopped being a thing of joy and support. We were perhaps happy, and comfortable.

Like wearing my favourite shoes. It's slightly dirty, perhaps a bit stinky, but it's comfortable and familiar.

And then ZW came along. And ignited that part of me which had laid dormant. The me who needed romance, and words and gestures. The me who needed someone unafraid to declare his feelings, both good and bad. The me who preferred to talk (shout) things out instead of keeping mum and letting ill feelings fester. The me who needed someone who recognised that for all my tough talking, i really was a bundle of insecurities who just wanted to be cuddled. Not condescended towards, cuddled.

Maybe that's why it was so easy to walk out on an 8-year relationship. People didn't understand, but i knew i was ready.

And by his own admission, so did F. He said he didn't blame me, nor was he entirely surprised.

Yes he was bitter, but i do believe that stems from being dumped, rather than losing me. And i say this factually.

Because in all honesty, this was bound to happen. And sorry, but based on track records, it could just have easily been him. I simply beat him to it.

And that's also why he healed rather quickly. Because there wasn't much to heal from. As he described it, ours had become a tainted love. And i do think he enjoyed occasionally hurting me, and me him, because it really was twisted. Or rather, we wanted to feel something other than restraints.

So yes, it did hurt hearing the bald truth, but it was the last piece of the puzzle that had to be resolved. The 17-year-old joanne had to recognise that the 17-year-old fadzli that she loved and adored was no more. That we had grown up and that unshakable faith that everything was going to work out... Well.. I guess not.

I was afraid to let go of that last piece because it truly, and irrevocably, meant the end.

At least we walk away with hopefully some wisdom. He, that it's dangerous and destructive to build walls. Me, that i am actually needy and i need to love a person for who he is, and not what i want. And trust once broken, is impossible to restore. And to have fucking backbone.

So to my dearest darling Zhaowei, thank you. Thank you for being who you are. Yes, you are not perfect (come on, you have to admit it! Haha), but you make me happy, and i think i make you happy too. And not just the wow-that's-a-cute-balloon happy, but the knees weak, hearting pounding kinda happy.

I love you and you're my Zeus. ;) (inside joke)

Oh brother

2010-09-30T14:32:00.001+08:00

Shit, did i just do what i think i just did?

Shit shit shit.

Now i'm gonna be on edge over the next few days.

I'm such a spazoid

2010-09-29T23:26:00.003+08:00

I'm so not a long-distance relationship kinda girl

So the boyfriend is off in Japan for 8 days.. and we've been relying on Skype to stay in contact.

Let me just state now and forever that I will never be a long distance relationship kinda girl.

Seriously.

Not only does it suck that I can't simply meet up with him, it sucks even more that we have to rely on technology.

And boy, do I have a strong distaste for technology.

With F, our relationship degenerated into an sms-once-in-a-while situation. And with texts, you can't hear or see the emotion, the true intent behind the polite "haha" or "love you baby" (creature of habit, much?)

Thought things would be significantly better with Skype, what with pictures and stuff. Not quite.

I'm using an ancient camera that's low definition. And without a mike, I'm practically shouting at my computer. Throw in a patchy connection that requires me to shout and repeat, shout and repeat, add in a grumpy and tired boyfriend who's had little sleep... and you get a combustive mix.

It was pretty much a you-stare-at-me-stare-at-you thing. And we both logged off in a huff.

Argh, so annoying. Screw this.

Oh, and I bumped into Becky at NUS on Monday. She's F's good friend. I was a little shocked that she would greet me, much less say hi and chat with me for a bit. I refrained from asking about F because A) There were other people listening in on the conversation, B) she was so nice and I felt bad troubling her.

I always wonder how our mutual friends stand over the breakup. I knew that when F broke up with me, my KB friends despised him, the uni people were compassionate but largely indifferent as F was this entity that flitted in and out, and Wern cursed him like the great supportive girlfriend she is, bless her soul.

So at the back of my mind, I was wondering why Becky was so nice to me. Maybe she doesn't know the cause of our breakup? Maybe she really is (and she really is) a great and nice person?

Sigh, too complicated. Shall not dwell. It's getting easier these days to well.. not dwell and not mope over certain things. I guess time really is the answer. That, and enough trashy tv to wipe clean my mind.

A charming day

2010-09-25T20:47:00.001+08:00

I wrote this yesterday but for some reason.. blogger didn't upload it. Here goes again:

===================

We went for a picnic at West Coast Park yesterday.

Perhaps a rather odd location, as it lacks the buzz and activities of East Coast and Pasir Ris.

But we had a charming time, despite the torrential downpour that stranded us in a Mac's that smelt like puke.

Good food (i cooked, ahem), perfectly breezy weather, and entertainment.

We watched kite enthusiasts attempt to fly kites with zero breeze. We made up stories, laughed at this people, or enjoyed a comfortable silence.

I think there's nothing like having your lover's head in your lap, with not a care in the world.

Hmm, now i really miss my darling...

Another farewell

2010-09-24T09:14:00.001+08:00

Huh, the Zhao is off to Japan... Without me.

Yup, he's going on 2 Japan trips back-to-back. So disgusting right?

That's twice now that I've sent him off at the airport and been left behind... Sobz..

9th October cannot arrive any sooner.

Some memories hurt

2010-09-18T15:08:00.000+08:00

It's like a snowball effect... You see something that triggers a memory, that then compels you to search further and you dig up memories that only serve to hurt even more.

Or in this case, inflict pain on myself.

F posted up pictures from jc time on fb. And there were 2 pics of the two of us.

We looked so young, so happy and so in love.

I don't understand why he did it. He took down every other photo of us. Why bother reminding himself of us, when there's no more "us"?

I took to reading my old blog entries, circa 2005. I was apparently so happy... But the thing is, i don't even remember some of the things that i wrote about.

Did we really share such a memory? Did we really have such a moment? Do i even recognise the Joanne who was writing about such things?

Sure, even then i was plagued by questions of religion. But i sounded SO DAMN SURE that everything was going to be for the better.

I don't regret ending a relationship that was already in my mind, on the decline.

But the romantic in me regrets that such a love had to end, that life really isn't like in fairy tales.

And i love ZW, i really do. But there's also a part of me that is fearful. Fearful that i don't know how to sustain a relationship. Fearful that if this doesn't work out, the romantic in me would be too bruised to ever recover.

To ever believe again that i can have a happily ever after.

Some memories hurt

2010-09-18T15:00:00.000+08:00

It's like a snowball effect... You see something that triggers a memory, that then compels you to search further and you dig up memories that only serve to hurt even more.

Or in this case, inflict pain on myself.

F posted up pictures from jc time on fb. And there were 2 pics with of the two of us.

We looked so young, so happy and so in love.

I don't understand why he did it. He took down every other photo of us. Why bother reminding himself of us, when there's no more "us"?

I then took to reading my old blog entries, circa 2005. I was apparently so happy... But the thing is, i don't even remember some of the things that i wrote about.

Did we really share such a memory? Did we really have such a moment?

Sure, even then i was plagued by questions of religion. But i sounded SO DAMN SURE that everything was going to be for the better.

I don't regret ending a relationship that was already in my mind, on the decline.

But the romantic in me regrets that such a love had to end, that life really isn't like in fairy tales .

2010-09-15T13:12:00.002+08:00

OMG OMG OMG OMG

How can I wait an entire month before I head off to Japan with the Zhao???

And let's just say the planning experience has been... different.

Usually, I'm the one who does all the detailing, the sorting out of day-to-day activities...

But the Zhao was not having any of it. He planned our entire 2-week trip!!! Buses and stations and all!

We're heading to Tokyo, Nikko and Aomori. And at Nikko, we are staying at this AMAZING ryokan, with an outdoor bathtub facing the nature wonderland.

I THINK I'M GOING TO DIE OF ANTICIPATION. The experience promises to blow our minds away: onsen, japanese-style room, and elegant, elaborate dining.

Unfortunately, it's so bloody expensive we're only staying 1 night. But still!

OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG.

2010-09-13T12:53:00.003+08:00

There's nothing like...

Waking up to your loved one in the morning.

When I'm still in that sleep-induced state, brain not fully operational... and I turn over and see him. With his defences down, foreheard smooth and not furrowed in deep thought. Innocent.

Sometimes I wake up in his arms, other times I have to turn over and worm my way back into that warm cacoon. And he's always obliging, always ready to wrap his arms around me.

And it feels like the safest place in the world.

Teouble is, we usually end up running late when we bunk together. HAHA.

This Friday...

2010-09-05T13:43:00.001+08:00

Is Hari Raya. I didn't even realise until Pei Won pointed it out to me.

In between work, ZW's trip and just daily living, i had clean forgotten. Lost track of time.

As Wen puts it, i have no reason to find the day significant anymore.

In all likelihood, i'd be working.. Even if i wasn't, it'd just be another public holiday...

So why do i feel so crummy for forgetting? Like it should be part of my dna, and by forgetting, i'm a really bad person?

Guess i'm thinking too much. Actually, it might help if i really do forgot it's significance.

What's the point of beating myself up now that it's over?

Sigh

2010-09-03T14:52:00.000+08:00

Well, the Zhao is off to Pakistan to be a war journo.. Or not.

Despite there being destruction, disease, pain and violence, and despite my reservations, i couldn't say no.

As a fellow journo, i can understand the desire to see outside of Singapore, the lure of being thrown into utter chaos, surviving on your wits and witnessing something that's both horrifying but also appealing as a writer.

As one professional to another, how could i have denied him this chance? If someone gave me a plane ticket, i might have hopped on too.

So although the girlfriend part of me is terrified and worried and sickened with fear... I couldn't stop him.

He did say that if i expressed great opposition, he would pull out. I thought about it, but in the end, i just couldn't do it.

I can't wait for Tuesday to roll around...

Restless

2010-08-27T19:36:00.001+08:00

Oh restless spirit, what exactly is it that i crave?

I sometimes wonder if i have a self-destructive nature.

If not for my fear of pain, i would probably have been one of those kids who sliced their arms to get some release from inner demons.

Seriously, i would find myself in a real dark place, contemplating if i should let things fester and deteriorate, wondering if i should destroy something that once gave me joy...

Just to see what happens....

See if it would really cause me pain, or if i would survive and simply move on.

Yup, in a twisty mood. I'm in a funk.

And i'm exasperated, so exasperated!

Why should i give a damn, if you don't give a damn about me?

Why can't i be thoughtless, if you are thoughtless?

Wish my brain would shut down. Just to give me some peace for a bit.

Caught between 2 desires

2010-08-24T13:07:00.000+08:00

I may bitch a lot about my job but really, i do sometimes think i'm being overly dramatic.

Don't get me wrong; the work can be soul-sapping, especially in Singapore's media climate..

And my environment does get toxic, to the point where i'm afraid to question humanity and the EQ of some people...

But the non-work perks are so damn great.

In reference to my photo, i'm currently having a leisurely lunch at the marriott hotel cafe on a balmy Tuesday afternoon because I CAN.

Whenever i think i have reached my breaking point, a midweek day off really perks me up.

I have ME time - something so precious it's almost like a unicorn, mythical but unreal.

I can eat whatever i want, then do my hair and nails.. Without having to bother with the crowds or fret that i'm keeping someone waiting or have to make small talk.

I'm normally real sociable, but on some days, i just want to scream FTW (fuck the world).

Another perk of the job - being able to take cabs all the time for work. Seriously, i can't emphasise how much that has saved me. Passing out blissfully in the backseat, only to wake up refreshed for my job.

But should i stay in a job just for it's non-work perks?

I suppose if i can switch my brain off and just treat it as any other job.. Do what i have to do and leave.. It might work.

But sometimes i catch myself asking if that's all i'm capable of. Shouldn't i be out on the streets, trying to discover some injustice?

And then i realise it's 10pm, i've been working for 12 hours, and i have a morning job the following day.

And all desire to be a hard-hitting, cutting edge journo disappears.

I guess i'm lucky cos it's not like i need a regular working hours kind of job... No kids to take care off.. And the pay is not great, but i'm not in dire need to pay off a mortgage.

Plus the boyfriend also has shitty hours, so there's no real need to keep regular hours.

So being able to not work on random days, and not having to take work home is a huge, huge plus.

I just wish the actual work was more fulfilling. Then it's really be the perfect job for me.

I feel fat

2010-08-23T18:54:00.001+08:00

Worse, i look fat on tv. It's utterly depressing.

Must be bad karma. I was at an event and saw someone with a round face and the thought "wow! That's a round face!" exploded in my head.

Damn the lack of exercising. And overeating (damn you lin zhaowei for overpampering me!)

Huh, i'm so depressed i'm contemplating running.

Maybe.

2010-08-21T11:09:00.003+08:00

Relationships are a strange thing...

For all the plus points, there are some pitfalls.

Seriously, if we humans are not such sluts for companionship, I think the world would be a lot happier.

How many senseless battles have been fought due to the equivalent of (on a much larger scale, of course), "why you stare at/insult my girl?"

Feeling a little angsty thing morning, as you can tell.

The boyfriend and I are swimming along this river called love and time.

While it's been mostly peachy smooth, we do encounter the occasional bump. Sometimes a bump that's easy to ride over, sometimes enough to rile me up that I have to stew over it for a bit.

ZW is an incredibly intense person and when he sets his mind to something, he also sets a certain (very high) level that he has to achieve. And this applies to everything - work, love, even buying stuff. And he likes to extend that intensity to me too.

I, on the other hand, as most of you know, am quite happy just sailing through life, sometimes settling for less, not always concerned about standards... all in the name of leading a harmonious life with few worries.

So you can see why there may sometimes be clashes of personality. It's an unstoppable force meeting ... a flowing river?

Case in point: I'm looking to buy a new camera. Initially, I got all excited about buying a dslr (no doubt influenced by ZW)... but after calming down, I realised that I'm never gonna go pro. So why spend thousand of dollars on a camera that's heavy, black (ew) and produces pictures with a quality that I'm probably not going to be able to appreciate.

The boyfriend got a little annoyed but nothing major, cos he had spent some time looking for a nice pink dslr for me.

Anyway, the conclusion was that I wanted a nice, pink, point-and-shoot compact camera with decent specs.

Again, he embarked on a camera hunt.. and the way he operates is that he would scour the internet for writeups, recommendations... for HOURS on end.

Let me just say that I never EXPLICITLY asked him to look for a camera for me. In some sense, he took it upon himself to do it. Ok, sounding a little ungrateful here...

So when he next found a compact camera, pink no less, with pretty good specs, he got all excited over the fact that he found THE ONE.

And then I heard the price. And blanched. And hemmed and hawed a little...

Which then pissed him off. Cos to him, quality matters, and price is sometimes not a factor.

And then he kinda yelled at me to figure out what was important - did I want specs, did I want pink, did I want affordable?

Which riled me up (cos I don't respond well to hostility) and I said I want everything, cannot issit?

Then he got annoyed and starting throwing random recommendations, and calling them "cheap".

To cut a long story short, we both got all huffy and put down the phone.

Needless to say, I went to bed in a less than pleasant mood.

Fast forward to this morning... I open my gmail, and see that ZW stayed up till 3am looking for more camera models that would fit my requirements.

And he messages me when he wakes up, no anger left in him.

How can I stay mad, you tell me?

And once again, I'm left mystified, and yet, thankful, that I found him.

Family funnies

2010-08-17T22:40:00.001+08:00

My family members are all jokers. Seriously.

So we're having dessert... And my mum rejects her chocolate cake as it has a mousse top.

She proclaims it's too soft.

A side note: my mum hates soft things.

So i asked, why can't you eat hard cheese?

Mum: hate it. Can't stand the smell.

Cheryl: so you can only eat hard and odourless things?

Like styrofoam?

At this point, my mum let out a string of expletives. Well, not exactly. But as violent as mums get. Teehee.

Day 1

2010-08-12T00:01:00.001+08:00

Ramadhan has started... Triggering a flood of emotions and thoughts.

It's strange to imagine that at the start of this year, i was toying with the idea of fasting.

Sort of to ease myself into the Muslim way of life.

At that point, I could almost see my life panning out in a certain way, and i wanted to acclimatise so that when the transition happened, it would not be a total shock.

Guess things don't always happen the way you expect them to.

This time last year, I was making plans to ensure that I'd not be working during Hari Raya.

So that i could spend the whole day at F's house, hanging out with his relatives, even serving them as I would during Chinese New Year.

I would arrive in the morning, play with his baby cousins, feast on his mum's great cooking, talk to his uncles and aunts.

Sometimes i would fall asleep as the afternoon wore on, or tear after one of his naughty cousins in the corridor.

There's almost a twinge of sadness knowing that I won't be there this year.

I wonder if the whole family knows. I wonder if they will ask where I am. I wonder how F will answer the questions.

He's never been big on sharing his feelings, thoughts or what's happening in his life.

Sigh...

I may no longer be walking down that path, but these memories still linger.

2010-08-10T15:04:00.003+08:00

Random Updates

I'm bored in the office. Will blog about random things.

As some of you may know, I was at the Padang yesterday reporting about the parade.

Thing is, I was so bored that I started snapping random pictures and uploading them on Facebook.

But since the whole world was probably equally bored and restless and plugged into their 3G phones, this meant the airwaves (internet waves? I dunno) were jammed.

Which made uploading photos a bitch. and battery-draining.

So I spent the whole afternoon rushing in and out of the media centre to charge my phone in-between attempting to do work. And the bloody phone still died in the end when I needed it the most - to call for a cab home. Sigh.

Fast forward to today. The boyfriend stayed over and graciously escorted me to work this morning.

Except that he dropped his phone in the cab. Some kind soul then called me cos I was the latest person on his phone log. So there I was, waiting for the cab to make a u-turn to where I was (high court, no less).

And I was wondering if the boy would be smart enough to call me. Cos just last week, we got into a ridiculous argument when he couldn't remember my handphone number. He kept saying he has his phone with him at all times and doesn't need to memorise numbers. I asked huffily what happens if he loses his phone.

Ah life is funny that way.

Anyway I knew he was walking about City Hall and figured I might as well check out the nearest shopping centre to see if I could bump into him.

Looked around, couldn't find him, then sat down for breakfast with another colleague who was also at court.

Lo and behold, ZW was in the same cafe, just blocked by a wall. HAHAHA! COINCIDENCE OR WHAT!

Then my stupid colleague had to leave his notebook behind. What is it with men and leaving things behind for me to pick up!!!!!

Ok, end of random update. Will go back to my regular schedule of thumb twiddling... which is a good thing. Cos I'm so bloody sleepy and tired.

BRAIN.NOT.FIRING.ON.ALL.LEVELS.

Trying to muster my nationalistic pride

2010-08-09T13:43:00.000+08:00

Urgh, stuck with national day duty. In the scorching sun.

Just came from a stay-cation with the family. Kind off a family tradition.

Last year we checked into the Fullerton. This year, the Marina Mandarin. The whole family chills by the pool, goes for meals, went for a movie...

Laughed at my misfortune.

We even went for ktv, boyfriend included. As usual, he took the opportunity to make everyone swoon. I love, love, love his singing.

Doing duets with him are damn paiseh.

And now i'm stuck on a bus blashing cheena pop tunes.

Excellent.

2010-07-29T21:37:00.003+08:00

Sometimes, I do pity the boyfriend

Cause when I'm in the mood, I can be downright horrible to be around.

I'm caustic, I flit from topic to topic trying to suppress my irritation, nothing holds my attention for long, I itch for a good yelling match, I allow myself to wallow into the depths of annoyance and impatience...

Like I said, I pity the boyfriend.

And it can be bewildering to keep up, as I switch from smiling, to sulking, to cutting, to pleasant. Huh, sometimes I even amaze myself.

Then I start to talk to quickly, speak in weird lingo (influenced by years of trashy American tv-meets mtv-meets e! entertainment) that can be confusing for someone with a more traditional (tv) viewing habit.

And when ZW goes "huh?" or fails to keep up with my (failed) logic, I get pissed off, like "get with the programme already!"

For someone (him) who takes things very personally, my unintention snub can turn potentially fatal.........

Sigh. I think I'd try even a saint's patience at this point.

Anyways, I'm back to sulking.

Back from Bali!

2010-07-18T14:40:00.000+08:00

An utterly fabulous vacation... Which was nearly ruined by a last minute bout of food poisoning on the last day.

But i'm thankful for small miracles. I spent two amazing days in bali, lazing by the pool, eating amazing food, going for a massage... And best of all, just hanging out with ZW.

Haha, the thing about having a photographer for a bf is that... EVERYTHiNG has to be photographed. In the best possible light. From different angles.

Great for creating memories, but can be a little exasperating at times. Ah, but i guess it must be love when he convinces me to get out of bed at 6am and into the pool for an artistic water shoot. Hahhha..

And we were having so much fun that ZW contemplated, like seriously contemplated extending one more night. Like buying new plane tickets and booking the hotel room for one more night.

I managed to talk him out of it. Hey, it was the start of high season and prices shot up! I'm a thoughtful, great gf in that way. haha

But having food poisoning really, really sucks. I'm still a bit weak, the appetites's off.. And i'm real grumpy when i'm sick.

I snapped at ZW on the plane ride back to singapore, told him to bugger off when he tried to put his hands around me thinking to comfort me...

Hey, in my defence, my stomach hurt and i was alternating between chills and fever. Not exactly cuddle material.

And he still found me sexy. Hahah. Definitely a keeper. :)

Relocating

2010-07-10T10:03:00.003+08:00

Don't worry, not me. Just been receiving news lately that a number of friends and acquaintances are throwing off the shackles of Singapore life and heading out to make their mark in the world.

I know three people who are heading to the Middle East, China and Hong Kong... and a certain Ms Tan has always made known her intentions to head to the US.. and my sister is already there.

What is it about moving to a foreign land that's so attractive? I personally have never felt the need to relocate. Seriously. And I don't think I'm being narrow-minded here. Heck, I know Singapore is definitely NOT the end all and be all. And it has many faults.

But it's home. And whenever I feel the need to see the world, I do just that. Head overseas and frankly, after a while, I do miss home and want to sleep in my own bed. I've been known to exclaim with glee upon reaching Changi Airport. It's warm! and carpeted! and look ma, pretty flowers!

Besides, I simply have too many connections tying me to Singapore. Family, friends, love...

Hell, I gave up the chance to study overseas because of well.. Fadz. Back then, there was no way I would have willingly chosen to be away from him for 6 months because I knew that would spell the end of our relationship. And I never regretted that decision.

Now.. well, there's a new link tying me to Singapore. :)

Some people may scream... "WHY THE HECK ARE YOU GIVING UP CAREER FOR A MAN?? A MERE MAN!!?? WHAT HAPPENED TO INDEPENDENT WOMEN?"

Err, ok.. more power to you. But do I strike you as the career type? Besides, who says I can't have both? And surely I need to feel a powerful attraction for this foreign land before making the leap right??

I do think I've travelled quite a bit (by far no where complete, but sufficient).

And I've yet to visit a place that I can conceivably call a second home. The closest would probably be New York, but even then, I hate the stinky, old subway where you never know if you're going to be molested and even then, you're helpless and you can't do anything on the crowded trains.

London - expensive, grey and sometimes depressing
Tokyo - language barrier
Melbourne - racism
Hong Kong - health hazard
Paris - safety concerns (haven't you all heard how I was accousted by a gang of men at the foot of the White Cathedral or Basilica or whatever you call it??)

And I haven't really figured out what I want to do with me life. If that's the case, how do I even go about searching for opportunities?

I suppose my current job has also contributed to the lack of restlessness. If I was stuck in a 9-to-5 job in the office, I would probably go out of my mind as well.

But my life is such that I'm often praying to be in the office. Most days, I'm thrown out of the office and pounding the streets. When I'm working, I rarely have the time to even think, much less ponder about my sad life.

(Ok, now's the exception cos I'm manning the morning shift that's a nice respite from all the normal craziness.)

But back to the post. Relocating.. despite all my protests, I would never say never. I just need a strong enough incentive.

The girls over for dinner and guitar hero

2010-07-05T22:21:00.000+08:00

Yes, that's two people on drums. And we still failed :(

Me boy in action

2010-07-03T20:51:00.000+08:00

Going behind the lense

2010-07-03T18:58:00.000+08:00

Having tasted what it feels like to be in front of the camera, i thought i'd go behind the camera for a lark.

Helped out ZW at this event... To do general filming. It's surprisingly difficult.

My shoulders are aching from carrying a tiny camera. I dunno how my cameramen do it with a real, 20kg camera.

My hands are definitely shaky, my eye for composition can be improved.

But at least from hanging out with cameramen so often, i know at least, where to be at the right time.

Oh, and photogs can be downright ruthless. I was pushed around, yelled at, glared at. I screamed right back. In my private capacity, i can piss people off. Bleagh.

But.... Guess i'd stick to being a talking head. ;)

How times have changed

2010-06-30T12:22:00.001+08:00

It just hit me the other day that i haven't watched a movie in a long time.

Why is that significant, you ask?

In my previous relationship, watching movies was more than entertainment, it was practically a way of life, a religion. Not week went by without at least 1 film, or 2.

I suppose since the ex wasn't financially sound, and i'm never that, watching movies is a relatively cheap way to pass time.

Besides, after a while we ran out of things to do and movies were a convenient option.

But that isn't the case now. I suppose the newness of the relationship means we haven't fallen into a pattern yet. Or have fallen back on a standard activity to pass for spending time together.

Speaking of the relationship, it's very strange.

We've been together less than 2 months, but it doesn't feel like a new relationship.

He doesn't feel like stranger, neither do i feel awkward around him.

You know how sometimes when meeting a new person, you might try to put on your best persona and act all perfect?

Not me. I've sulked, pouted, yelled, punched, cried, screamed, fallen sick, been emotionally detached.. And he still loves me. Amazing.

I wonder if this is it. After a period of restlessness and doubt, have i finally found what i what, what i need? :) guess time will tell.

And should that be the case, I wonder what our couple activity will eventually be.

I hope it's something exciting. Like travelling.

Speaking of that, we're going to bali in july!!! Excited to the max.

Will be heading to the Alila Ubud. Ssscccrreeaammm!!

Oh, and keeping to the theme of the post, even though it kinda deviated.. The last movie i watched was Snow Prince, on my birthday.

Haven't seen SATC, nor Toy Story 3... Or anything really. And it doesn't really bother me. :P

Day 2

2010-06-29T10:47:00.000+08:00

Struggling to keep awake at a super eeaarrlllyyy conference. A seemingly non-stop line of speakers being trotted out, one after another.

In my sleep-deprived state, all the speakers are starting to merge as one. Fabulous.

People around me are either spacing out, sleeping outright or playing with their phones.

So are my fellow reporters. Have we ever looked more bored?

Trying out blogging from my mobile

2010-06-28T23:57:00.001+08:00

Ever since i signed up for a data plan, i've been obsessively looking for things to do on the go.

Facebook only takes me so far. Cue mobile blogging.

Anyway, i was in batam over the weekend and boy was that good.

It's amazing how a massage can really lift one's spirits.

Even though i had to work, at least i didn't end up feeling like shit.

Or maybe that's cos i escaped with doing radio only. Heh.

2010-06-26T00:08:00.003+08:00

Today's Funny, courtesy of my mum

I'm heading off to Batam for the weekend, with the girls and ZW.

Massage haven, here I come to get kneaded and pounded!

Speaking of ZW, my family keeps calling him that, ZW. They say his name is difficult to pronounce. Huh.

Anyway, my mum has the habit of taking down the handphone numbers of the people I'm travelling with (yes friends, my mum can stalk you guys).

So I have her ZW's number. And it's a pretty sweet number. Plenty of eights and easy as pie to remember.

My mum, immediately impressed, starts counting the numbers and plotting her next 4-D bets.

Sigh.

2010-06-18T20:40:00.003+08:00

J'adore

After a really crummy day at work (stupid floods are ruining my life!), I was all ready to collapse and was walking around the office like a zombie.

Think 12-hour day, chasing floods, tracking down drains... on an empty stomach.

Thankfully, I have a wonderful support system around me.

I reached home, and my mum promptly steamed up a ba zhang for me, while my sis poured me a stiff drink of choya, straight up.

And still in his work clothes (he came by my office to pick me up), my darling ZW started cooking soup for me.

He even put up with my diva request "I don't like lumps in my soup".

Sure, it was instant soup, but hey, sweet nonetheless. Nothing like a man who knows his way around the kitchen. Sexy.

Pity I still fell sick today. Argh.

2010-06-10T22:08:00.004+08:00

Photos!

No cohesive thought running through this post.. just that maybe I should post a few photos up cos the blog is looking kinda boring with all the words, words, words.

I suppose a plausible theme would be that I'm trying to condense a month's worth of events into a 5-minute photo entry.

On that note, I'm the world's crummiest girlfriend. For our one-month anniversary, I gave ZW a crummy card. He on the other hand, gave me a map of the world (cos he wants to travel the world with me... awwww) and created a photo album of our time together so far, complete with notes. I felt like sinking into my chair when he pulled the present out of his bag...

I suppose this is my poor man's version of making up for that imbalance?

So here are some pretty pictures. :D

As most of you know by now, ZW and I met in China. And the chemistry was pretty instant. It's not often you find someone whom you feel comfortable with straight away. We were talking like old friends by the 2nd day of the camp. This is still one of our favourite photos by far.

This was taken on the last day of the camp. If you can detect a slightly sheepish expression on my face, that's cos we both knew something was going on, but neither of us wanted to admit it... Circumstances then made it difficult to imagine that we could be more than friends. Or rather, I didn't want to contemplate a "what-if" scenario, cos daydreaming can be so dangerous.. Guess things worked out differently :)

My birthday! This was taken at Morton's. Yup, I carried a doraemon doll around the fancy restaurant. Haha! We call this the family picture. ZW was using a Polaroid camera that day, with some apparently fancy Black+White film. Huh. I swear by digital cameras. Can take multiple shots, can look at them before deciding to keep or trash. With Polaroid it's just liddat.

Yes, this is my very messy room. Sighhh.. This was taken when we celebrated ZW's birthday. Our birthdays are in fact, just 2 weeks apart. Ahh, 2 Geminis.. I made him a lava chocolate cake which I have to say, was quite delish, if not for a little defect in its appearance...

See, I wasn't bluffing.

Brought him to Picotin for dinner. Great pizzas, but skip the foie gras, and don't wear too many layers cos the air-con is non-existent.

The jacket was my birthday present to ZW. Yes, I know, he's a super poseur. But I love this shot. A) Cos I took it and B) Cos I think he looks preettyy fine. :D

2010-06-07T18:12:00.002+08:00

Loving someone is serious business... seriously exhuasting business.

Think the lack of sleep is getting to me. Breakouts, eye bags, water retention.

Gaahhh!!!!

On the bright side, celebrated ZW's birthday yesterday.

I think it was a pretty good day. *satisfied smirk*

2010-06-05T15:05:00.002+08:00

The First Month...

Has been filled with love, puzzlement, new discoveries, laughter and anger. Yup, I think we've covered quite a wide range.

It's both exhilarating and scary to know a new person, and attempt to find out if something long term can be established. Especially under our circumstances.

With schedules as mad as ours, we are often left with snatches of time, precious hours after work, stolen moments in between maintaining some normalcy of life.

Throw in friends, family, work, birthdays.. and sleep goes out the window. But I suppose it's a small sacrifice for what I get in return.

It's the small things that leave the deepest impressions. The small gestures, sometimes unconscious, that can cause me to both smile and leave me vexed.

I love how his face can be a picture of serenity, but his ears will turn a flaming red when he's had alcohol, is embarrassed or gets angry.

I love that he gives me bear hugs that feel like my bones are about to break, leaving me breathless and warm.

He doesn't use cologne, but gives off this musky smell that permeates from his skin and gets onto his clothes, that I'm crazy about.

He's real friendly and not shy to strike up a conversation with my family or friends.

Did I mention that he serenaded the KB girls during our KTV session with 张学友's "如果爱", which caused Meibao to ask if he was in choir, and all I could think was " damn, my boyfriend is hawt!"

He has kinda impressed my family with his scholarly achievements, but what really took it over the edge was when he referenced the Great Gatesby during a conversation Cheryl and I was having about Long Island, New York. I caught the glint of surprise and approval on Cheryl's face.

He walks with a slight hunch, and I'm always reminding him to stand up straight.

He gives me these long looks that I'm unable to look away from, and I find myself hopelessly lost in his gaze, no mean feat considering that his eyes are so small (hur hur hur).

He's shown great patience and understanding when I fall into a funk, or get majorly guilt-ridden. At no point did he ever say "snap out of it".

He's so ticklish that I can just give him a "look with intention" and he'd immediately recoil from my touch and burst into laughter.

He likes to ruffle my hair and call me "silly girl" in a tender manner - something that both annoys me and yet, causes me to break into a smile.

Of course, the man is by no means perfect.

He has an awful temper, and is quick to get angry.

Sometimes, I don't even realise that I'm antagonizing him, but he takes it personally and gets real fired up.

He doesn't like dissent, which I do real well. In fact, I'm all for differing opinions, but he hates that.

He rushes into things head first, sometimes without thought, and gets frustrated when I'm not as eager, or quick to get on board.

Er, I know the con list is really short compared to the pro list... but they're BIG cons ok!!!!

I wonder what the next month will bring. :)

2010-06-03T20:13:00.004+08:00

Melancholy

Now that some of the initial high of a new relationship has worn off... the hormones have calmed down and the giggly fits have subsided... it feels like my mind is trying to sabotage me.

Woke up in a start this morning, heart pounding. Wished I didn't dream the things I did.

At times, the memories and thoughts of what I've done will creep in, forcing me to confront myself.

I wonder if I'd ever find peace.

The temptation to check on F.. to ask for forgiveness.. is sometimes overwhelming. But I know I can't. And more importantly, I don't deserve it.

Li Wern talks about karma. Of consequences. I wonder if in the end, I may just create a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Because everytime I fall into this rut, I push ZW further away. And it's unfair to him.

I wish I can curl up in his arms all the time and not have to think. Because that's the only time I feel safe and not haunted by my own demons.

This is not something that he can help me with. Except be patient and understanding. I just pray he has both, and thinks I'm worth the effort.

2010-06-02T15:00:00.002+08:00

Huh, I was all ready to write a really sweet and dreamy post.

But then, we got into this massive... argument? Heated discussion? Yelling match? It may have been online, but I swear, I could totally imagine us screaming at each other if we were speaking in person.

And what sparked it off? Apple. And world domination.

*insert swear words*

2010-05-31T00:49:00.002+08:00

The meeting with the family wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be. In fact, I think my family was downright charming in our normal screwball way, and ZW was thankfully, put at ease.

Guess the Awfully Chocolate Cake was the perfect bribe.

Full, contented and loved. Life's good. :)

Here's a photo for the curious. I took it on one of our earlier dates and I dunno, I guess I love his expression.

Yeah, I know his eyes are small.

2010-05-29T23:35:00.004+08:00

Welcome to my life

So ZW met Kristin, Sylvia and Shawn last night.

And I must say it was a little... awkward.

Unlike the meeting with Gerrie and Jiamei, where the alcohol had already been flowing and everyone was merrily buzzed by the time ZW arrive, this get-together was done entirely sober.

I suppose it's too much to expect that everyone would be instantly comfortable and talking freely with ZW.

And I can't assume that everyone is entirely ok with the situation.

Shawn has taken on a slightly hostile stance. I wouldn't say he's rude.. just stand-offish perhaps? So unless his normal warm self.

Kristin says he's just being a daddy and protective of me. Huh. I'm like how old already, can? Tried to make a joke out of it, but only elicited dead silence.

And the last time I saw Kristin, I was with a different guy -_-'' We did laugh about that, albeit nervously.

So being me, I tried to over-compensate and started chattering away like a monkey. Didn't work either. Sigh.

Next time perhaps. Right, guys? There will be a next time????

Anyway, ZW is coming over to my house for a family dinner tomorrow. That should be fun. He's already met the parents, but in a "hi-i'm-taking-your-daughter-out-for-her-birthday" kinda meeting.

This time, however, will be the full works. Whole family present, seated around the family table, for a couple of hours at least, with hot soup (steamboat) between us.

I'm getting a bit nervous, quite honestly.

AND DEAR READERS (all 2 of you), YOU CAN'T STOP READING FROM THIS POINT ON COS I FEEL A GUSHFEST COMING ON AND YOU MIGHT SERIOUSLY BARF.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

It's been slightly more than 20 days since we officially got together. And I can only describe the feeling as... magical.

There's been surprisingly little awkwardness between us. Sure, I knew we have chemistry, but I didn't think things would fall into place this easily. Sometimes, it feels like he's been walking beside me forever.

He makes me incredibly happy because he's funny, and lame, and sweet and yet, so.... male.

There's this arrogance about him that's both frustrating and so charming. He always wants things his way, and yet, when he yields, it feels like my heart just melts a thousand times over.

He speaks a foreign language - Japanese - and even though I have no either what he's whispering in my ear.. it just sends a tingle down my spine.

And I'm sure you guys know I'm no delicate flower, and yet, I sometimes find myself feeling so utterly vulnerable and... feminine around him.

I love stroking his face. As much as it irks me that his skin is a billion times better than mine, I love having my own personal, warm satin blanket. Yup, that's how it feels when he wraps his arms around me.

Sure, it's not been all smooth sailing.. and there have been a couple of petty arguments and minor disagreements.

It's moments like these that I get a closer glimpse at the person ZW is. Sometimes, it scares me because what I think is a small thing can set him off big time.

And he would throw up this wall between us and refuse to look at me and start fiddling with his Blackberry.

Which sucks. And with a temper like mine, patience is most certainly not a virtue.

And I find myself caught between two options - to be coldly logical and ask him to snap out of it, or swallow some of that rush of anger and try to work things out.

Surprisingly, I've found myself choosing the latter. Maybe cos I'm using the one causing the misunderstanding.

I wonder how I would react when it's the other way around. Hmmm... or it must be lluurrrvvee. Haha..

Ok, I shall end here. Starting to ramble anyway. Huh, I write coherent angsty posts, but my thought process is less clear when I'm happy. Wonder what that says about me.

2010-05-24T23:13:00.003+08:00

A Quarter of a Century (Super long, wordy entry cos the older I get, the more long-winded I become!)

Last year, I was furiously scheduling friends, family and boyfriend into a super-duper deluxe birthday week that saw me partying and eating from one end to the other.

Theme: fabulosity.

This year... recent upheavals in my life taught me how to appreciate quiet moments. So the birthday week was all about spending time with loved ones, with simply dinners and enjoying each other's company.

So it was penciling in and moving around friends, family and (new) boyfriend (hur hur, ok bad joke) to fit my schedule.

In fact, I think many outings weren't even celebrations, more like, it just happened around my birthday. -_-'''

Anyway, I'd take it. Good company, good food, good times.

Flew back from Hong Kong on the 19th. Enjoyed the birthday getaway with the mum, and the gluttony started early.

Attended the MediaCorp News Awards on Friday, got nominated for Young Journo of the Year but alas, lost to the print reporter (wasn't expecting to win anyway).

At least the buffet after the awards was good; had a little too much to drink and gulped down two glasses on an empty stomach (in my defense, I was thirsty), and a third just to get things on the way.

Headed off to Que Pasa with colleagues Gerrie and Jiamei for a night of good food (pizza and chicken wings that can cause an orgasm!!) and more wine (wheee.. another half a bottle!)

I blame the alcohol overload on sheer nervousness. Cos G & JM wanted to meet Zhao Wei. I practically badgered the poor boy to come meet us even though he had worked a really, really long day.

Let's just attribute the anxiety to the fact that JM was decidedly hostile; she never really approved of my actions. She was all set to grill him, and boy, she sure didn't hold back.

I'm proud to say that ZW held his ground and wasn't intimidated. At the end of the night, I'd even say JM thawed out a little. And I know G gave him the thumb's up.

Met half the KB gang on Saturday for dinner. Headed over the Gyu-Kaku at Chijmes and drowned ourselves in bbq meat. As Pei Wen put it, could feel our arteries clogging up.

And we washed it down with peanut butter chocolate shakes at Max Brenner. Seriously, right?

Sunday was a major outing. Cos ZW had planned a whole day of festivities. And he met the parents for the first time (boy, was that awkward).

I knew he had some major game up his sleeves, but boy, I sure wasn't expecting him to pull the rug out from under my feet.

He came bright and early to my door at 10.30am.. Carrying a major plastic bag with two items. I had asked for a framed photograph (cos he's a photog) to hang above my bed, so that was expected.

But he pulled out the other item first... a red breakfast table.

ZW explained that since I didn't have a proper table to work at, and was oftened hunched over my laptop while sitting on the bed, the table would be more comfy as I can lean back. And it's true, I'm using it to type this right now, while leaning back against my pillows.

Well, very thoughtful... but I was having a hard time expressing the appropriate feeling cos well.. it's a breakfast table (sorry baby!).

I wanted my real present! He then pulled out this framed photo of hearts. It's difficult to describe, and I wish I could post photos, but they're all in my handphone and I lost the transfer cable!

Anyway, it's a collage of 25 hearts to represent my age.. and it's so incredibly difficult to describe.. think pictures of... a heart made of nutella on a piece of bread.. or a chalk drawn heart on a black background..

Man, I'm doing a terrible job of describing the photos, and if you guys think it's incredibly cheesy.. screw you! The photos are damn nice!

We then headed out for lunch at Oriole at 313@ Somerset.. On the way there, ZW casually took my hand and commented that I didn't wear rings.

Cue flippant comment from me like "Oh, I have a whole collection of chunky rings, but I don't really like them anymore." He then pulled out a mid-sized ring from his bag.. of this incredibly cute red camera. But I'm sad to report that Mr Lin subsequent broke the ring while holding my hand. @_@

Lunch was good, followed by a movie.. Heard of Snow Prince? Neither had I. But the show was surprisingly good, the cinematography so sweeping that it nearly made me weep, and a tragic story line that really made me cry.

And then things took a little funny twist. We stepped out of the cinema, and spotted those UFO catcher machines. My eyes fell on this incredibly adorable Doraemon doll and I casually challenged ZW to win it for me. (Inside joke)

And he actually did. I was like, you mean people actually win? I even asked him if he rigged the whole thing.. HAHA

We then walked around a little.. which was apparently a diversion tactic cos I had early guessed our dinner location. He brought me to Morton's for steak.

I know. How extravagant, right? I had once mentioned that my fave food in the world was steak, and no one did steak like Morton's. And ZW remembered. Cue jaw dropping.

And Morton's is fabulous. They printed special menus with my name on it, and I was greeted by name by all the servers... Service was impeccable.

The man started ordering like no tomorrow.. think Alaskan King Crab legs, steak, asparagus, salad, chocolate cake...

Mid-way through, he turned to me and pulled out a little powder blue bag. Yes, a Tiffany bag.

At this point, I think I was just overwhelmed by all the gestures and effort that he put in and blurted out that I could not accept his gift.

He reassured me that it was definitely not a ring.. But still!!! I've known the dude for like what.. a month?? I'm not sure if I can articulate the feeling, but it just felt too much, too extravagant, and too soon.

All these grand gestures, that although were greatly appreciated.. also felt a little inappropriate. I'm a simple girl! And such things are reserved for what.. at least the 6-month mark?

Haha, anyway, let's just say the night took an uncomfortable turn that could have been disastrous because my attitude was obviously not what ZW was expecting.

But he's just amazing lah. His thought process? He just wanted to make me happy. And I was, I am.. just.. unsure of how to respond in such a situation.

After the little hiccup, we didn't know where to go as the weather was too darn hot, we were too darn full, and plonked ourselves on the couch outside Morton's.

ZW had a final surprise for me. At first, he was a little hesitant to pass me my final present, after my last violent reaction. But I had recovered and asked for it.

Knowing what a Glee fanatic I am, he pulled out a final gift - the soundtrack of the Glee Madonna episode.

The icing on the cake? ZW actually brought along a CD player just in case I wanted to listen to the CD on the spot. I actually dropped the CD in pure, unadulated shock.

So yeah.. that was my birthday eve celebration.

Anyway, rounded up the celebrations with an excellent Italian dinner with the family at Etna on actual birthday. Ate too much as usual. And still the mum insisted I drink a bottle of bird's nest. Tsk tsk.

All in all, another great birthday.

2010-05-20T20:21:00.002+08:00

Saying goodbye to a grand love

I finally cried. Was wondering when, and if, that would ever happen. Guess I got my answer.

And it was in the strangest of circumstances. I was on the bus en-route to the Hong Kong airport to fly back to Singapore.

Had a pleasant enough holiday with the mum, and I was settling into the hour-long journey by turning on the ipod.

Flicked through songs and settled on Kelly Clarkson's "Already Gone". Why? I have no idea. But I knew that F posted the song on his facebook wall days after we broke up.

And as I was listening to the lyrics, tears started welling up and poured down my face. I tried to keep as quiet and silent as possible, so as to not freak out my mum.

Hope she didn't notice. I was barely breathing at that point. Guess the huge shades helped, as did the early morning grogginess.

The tears lasted for the duration of the song. And then I stopped.

I dunno why I started crying. Maybe cos everything that F wanted to say, or couldn't say, was summed up in the song.

I could practically feel him enunciating every word. And now I understand why he didn't fight for me.

Because it truly, and honestly is over. Fadz + Jo are no more. We've hurt each other so much, so deep, there's simply no going back. The poison has permeated too deeply.

I think the worst thing throughout this entire experience is that.. I know he tried his best, or to the best of his ability to love me.

And it still wasn't enough.

Ultimately, there were some things that could not be changed, and trust issues that could not be overcomed, even with love. This breakup was simply a time bomb waiting to ignite, and I pulled the pin.

And it really was a grand love, my first love.

I thought our love could surmount any difficulty. We stood in the face of parental disapproval, racial and religious differences. I endured countless "minah and ahmad" jokes, endless prodding about converting, hours of conversations about what it means to be a Muslim...

And we survived through the tough times.. him entering NS, me starting work when he was still a student...

We talked about our common future, our marriage, our family, even down to the bedsheets and wall colour.

But now I realise it was always... "in the future"... "in time to come".. "we're working towards".

And that's the thing - what exactly were we racing towards? This mythical future where everything will be perfect?

It's almost as if we turned a blind eye to whatever was happening NOW, to the relationship that was stagnating NOW, that our paths were diverting NOW.. because we both wanted to believe so badly that a better future lay ahead.

And I always thought that once F finished school, once he started working and earning money, that would be when our future started. It was supposed to be the next lap of the marathon. The comfortable, stable, happy lap.

But as we approached the finishing line of this first leg, I couldn't see the next lap happening. It was like running into a brick wall.

I was done. I was spent, I could go no further.

And like a desperate rat on a sinking ship, I did the next logical thing - I jumped ship.

I had been thinking, perhaps not consciously, of simply leaping into the water just to see what would happen.

But not having someone to catch me was terrifying, and kept me on the boat. I remember my SMU friend Angie once saying that women are afraid to leave long-term relationships because they're afraid there's no one else out there.

At that time, I disagreed furiously, because, well, we all like to think that we're independent women who can be single, right?

Guess I wasn't being entirely truthful.

So when ZW sailed up, I jumped.

Because he is what I need and want NOW, and as cheesy as it sounds, the world stopped being so gloomy. I stopped feeling depressed or morose for no good reason, and a simply message or MMS from him can cause my cheeks to hurt from smiling too much.

So even though I'm not sure if we're heading for an ice berg (ok, enough with the stupid ship metaphors, hur hur)...

I feel safe, and loved, and happy, and excited about life's adventures.

And that's enough for now.

2010-05-13T10:50:00.003+08:00

So what am I scared of?

I wonder what's causing so much hesitance on my part.

The fact that things are progressing so quickly, and yet so well?

That I am still amazed and puzzled that a person can be so intense, so all-consuming, so passionate, that I fear it's going to crash and burn?

The fact that I got out of something that has been a part of me for nearly half my life, and leaped head first into another major thing without a break in between?

This morning, I woke up and wanted to tell my mum about ZW. Cos the whole "I'm meeting a friend" line is getting lame.

And tiring.

And I keep having to worry that I'm going home too late and not having a credible alibi beyond going "mmmm..."

But every time I tried to open my mouth, something gagged in my throat.

What is it? Fear? Fear that I'd be judged by my own mother?

I'm really not sure. When I first told her that I broke up with F, cos the feeling is gone, she gave me a long look, and then yelled "how can liddat? When you get married how?"

Valid point, but I'm still young and idealistic and a hopeless romantic fool and I refuse to accept that.

So... if I were to tell her that I'm in a new committed thing (I can't even say the R word), would she freak out and think I'm just having a flight of fancy? That I'm on the rebound, or that I'm just being.. promiscuous?

It took her so long to accept F.. how can I just throw another guy into her life so soon, right?

Aaarrggghhhh... ZW has been incredibly patient (most of the time)... but I guess he's also wondering what the hell I'm thinking.

I think he knows how I feel about him now... but I guess he worries too that I always seem ready to bolt out the door.

I don't know why I'm panicking. He says I think too much. In my defense, I'm a girl, I'm programmed to over think things.

And the funny thing is, I've even tried to sabotage us. I keep trying to find "deal breakers"... it's almost as if I WANT us to fail, so that I can go "aha!" and prove everyone right that I just lost my mind temporarily.

And maybe assuage my guilt a little.

At the same time, I really, really want this to work. In fact, I want to tell everyone about, and not have to hide that I'm seeing someone really cool. And weird :P

But I'm also trying not to hurt F anymore than I already have..

And introducing ZW to the parents, and my friends.. makes things official. That I really have moved on, probably in record time. And there'd be no more hiding.

Yup, that's what I'm doing. Hiding behind a hazy cloud.. just letting things stayed muddled for the moment. Yeah, I'm a coward.

What's a girl to do?

2010-05-09T10:54:00.003+08:00

Closure

I need closure.

Bits and pieces of things that remind me of F are still scattered throughout my room.

If I want to move forward, and put this behind me, I need to remove these reminders.

I think the biggest concern I have now is whether F is doing alright. I need to know that he'll be ok.

Because this time, there's no turning back.

I was thinking about the times F and I have broken up over the years.. and in the last 4 years alone, just during his university life, we've done it 3 times.

The first time, he refused to let go and I didn't push it further, because I still felt so in love with him. So despite knowing that there were cracks, we covered them up with plaster.

The second time, he broke my heart but I refused to believe that we were done. Despite advice from everyone around me, I ignored what my head was telling me and still went for it. In some sense, I think I wore his defences down by simply refusing to back down.

And the third time... well, I guess I broke his heart. Actually, I'm not even sure how's he feeling. Is he in pain? Or is he finding some relief? I simply don't know.

But the issues that we face, or faced... were recurring ones. Things that never truly went away. Despite our best attempts to try to surmount these differences, and yeah, best efforts were put in, we eventually lapsed back into old ways.

People simply don't change. And if I can't acccept him for who he is, I don't think I deserve to be with him. There will be someone for him, who can love him better than I ever could. I honestly believe that. Because in the end, I overwhelmed him with what I wanted, or thought I wanted, and he got lost along the way. And then I became lost too.

Not sure if people can understand this but... I need to be selfish now and stop beating myself up over it. Stop stressing out if he's eating right, wandering if he's cooped up in his house, hoping that he's talking to people about this, and not trying to work things out alone.

I can't call him. I can't text him. I think it'd only make things worst at this point.

I still remember when he broke up with me.. and then msn-ed me a few days later... sure, it made me feel happy and broke my wallowing for the moment... but it plunged me back into despair because he made it clear that he was just checking to see if I was ok. As a concerned friend.

And I can still remember the reaction in my head... it was like, "how the fuck do you think I'm doing? I've been broken into pieces, you bastard!"

And it felt like mixed signals too..

It was during the Hari Raya celebrations, and knowing how much I loved his cousins, he took videos of them playing and sent them to me.

Maybe that's why I thought I had a chance?

But this time round... I know I'm done. There are simply too many cracks to ignore, too much toxic and baggage...

And something great is happening in my life right now.

As bad as the timing is.. and I know this is going to make me look like a complete slore.. but I simply can't walk away.

I've met this amazing guy and it feels like the world makes sense again. That all the attachments to life that were slowly slipping away suddenly feel alive again.

Perhaps some people think I'm just in freefall, or have made a complete mistake... and quite honestly, if I was to look at this from an objective third party point of view, I can see why it seems so crazy. In fact, I'd be right in there, making judgments as well.

But it just feels so damn right. So damn right.

I've only known him for 2 weeks, TWO WEEKS.. and it feels like I've known him my whole life.

We are so comfortable together and around each other, it's almost like we've stopped rushing about in life and have fallen into each other's pace.

It's eery and I'm frightened and almost afraid to take the next step because it can't be possible.

I don't think I've been so spooked out in my life from hearing the "L" word.

I keep imagining that this thing I'm feeling, it's bound to pass right? It's just the hormones talking, and probably, I'm just being delusional.

But.... at this moment, all I know is that a hand has been extended to me, and the moment I reached over to clasp it, I couldn't let go.

The insecure part of me tells me to take things slow, and who's to say it won't crash and burn by next week?

But do I really want to live life so timid, so afraid to step out of my comfort zone?

If I'm going down in flames, I might as well go out in a bang, no?

2010-05-06T11:53:00.002+08:00

I wonder when my heart and head will be in agreement.

Met Wern for dinner last night, and let's just say her reaction was not encouraging.

Short of telling me I made a mistake, I think the word she was trying not to use was "bitch".

As a friend, she's standing by my decision. But as a third party observer, what I did to Fadz can be seen as cruel and thoughtless.

And I can see why - if I say I have been unhappy for some time, then perhaps I should have said something earlier, instead of waiting till another guy shows up?

The timing simply stinks. And of course, it looks like I'm doing to Fadz what he did to me all those years ago.

I've been a coward, and I haven't been able to "man" up to my feelings. It's not like I haven't had feelings of restlessness, of uncertainty... but it was simply easier to squash these feelings and dismiss them as merely an "itch" that is bound to go away.

It really, really sucks that I have to hurt my best friend in the process of trying to figure out what I really want in a relationship, and from life in general.

But could I have continued in a relationship that was more "best friends" than "lovers"?

Maybe I have too grand ideas of what love should be, have expectations that are too unrealistic.

But if you don't explore it when you're young, when then is a good time?

Like Wern says, I will have to face the consequences of my decisions, good or bad.

2010-05-04T21:12:00.003+08:00

I broke up with Fadz.

Guess there's no need to be cryptic anymore; those who need to know, know.

So for the 2 people who still read my blog...

Everyone has been asking me why? And I'm still trying to find a definitive answer.

Because... "just because" doesn't quite cut it huh?

I don't even know if I was unhappy.. it just felt like I was trying to gloss so many things over - not talking about Fadz with my friends, acting like I was a single girl when he's not around, checkin out guys all the time, ignoring the fact that there was no more spark.

And sad as it sounds, I think it boils down to that. A lack of spark. Sure, I know what a lot of people might say. It's been 8 years, for god's sake! of course there's no spark! But in exchange you get comfort, familiarity.... blah blah blah.

I get it. I understand that intellectually. But emotionally, I refuse it. How can it be that a couple can go days on end not talking, and not feel like something is wrong, or worse, not feel a sense of longing?

How can I be in a relationship that made me give and give, but not feel like I'm getting much in return?

I didn't feel cherished anymore, or wanted, or desired. And since we weren't talking, weren't communicating, weren't meeting... what's the compensation?

And even when I was breaking up with Fadz, he didn't reach out, he didn't fight, he simply sat there and kept quiet. I don't think I can take inertia, or the lack of initiative anymore.

And so.. I'm done.

Is there another guy? Partly, but things are complicated there as well and quite frankly, I'd be smart not to hold my breath in that department.

So I think the best thing I can do for myself at the moment is to enjoy being single.

Who's with me? :)

2010-05-02T22:53:00.002+08:00

And so it's done.

I wonder if it's normal to feel so.... calm.

It's not like I feel a great sense of relief or anything, no hellalujah moment. But neither do I feel like the world is closing in on me.

I wonder if this is merely the calm before the storm?

I simply felt exhuasted, went to sleep, woke up. And the world still feels the same.

Denial? Or long time coming?

Huh.

Next move?

2010-05-01T21:42:00.003+08:00

Another Cryptic Message

Putting the melodramatics and hysteria aside, I don't think I've been unhappy thus far.

A little frustrated at times, have expectations that are sometimes not met, but on the whole, not too bad.

Think the problem now is that I've been stuck in the same position for too long, feeling like I'm sinking under with each passing day.

Losing a little of myself, losing the zest for life. Settling into a comfortable position and moulding myself into someone with a definitive path that's hard to deviate from.

I'm not saying that's necessarily a bad thing, but it may not be the best representation of my true spirit either.

Perhaps in time to come, those may be the things I crave, but for now, I'm not too sure.

So now the question is, do I want to continue with a warm, familiar routine that has a low chance of failure barring self-destruction and perhaps work towards that stable piece of mind...

or do I want to leap into the delicious unknown with abandon, not knowing if someone will really catch me?

I think I'm starting to see that the two are not mutually exclusive.

The latter was merely a catalyst that jolted me out of my state of inertia. Maybe things would have eventually come to a head anyway. Made me face my current situation and examine what I really want.

But things have gotten more complicated because the catalyst is also turning out to be an option.

So Joanne, now what?

2010-04-30T20:40:00.003+08:00

Crossroads

I'm literally standing at a crossroad, hesitant to take a step in either direction.

Who would have thought such a day would arrive?

And already, I'm splintering into pieces.

Things have to come to a resolution soon. Either in a giant blowout or be eaten from within.

Mmm. Tempting options.

2010-03-17T14:47:00.003+08:00

OMFG

My two male colleagues were trading barbs in the office in a very unmanly way, and unthinkingly, I blurted out...

"Can the two of you don't be so gay?"

AND A GAY EDITOR SITS JUST BEHIND ME.

OMFG.

The moment the words left my mouth, I knew I was screwed.

I didn't have to turn around to know that said editor shot me a death glare, which was subsequently confirmed by one of the male colleagues.

FML.

2010-03-16T21:56:00.003+08:00

Universal Studios Singapore is mad fun!

Ok, so there are perks to the job sometimes.

And one of it is getting to go for sneaks and premieres!

Got sent for a sneak preview of Universal Studios today.. and although I still had to do a story, it was worth it!

Only managed to take photos of the entrance. After that, it was pretty much Girl Gone Wild.

Screwed up my guts to get onto the Battlestar Galactica.. but the tamer version.

There are two rollercoasters charging at each other at top speed, but I can only take the PR's word for it.

Travelling at 90km/hr, my eyes were closed for most of the ride and I screamed all the way through. Longest bloody 90 seconds of my life.

Also tried the Jurassic Park Rapids Adventure...

Got completely soaked and dizzy cos it's like a bumper car/spinning tea cup ride in the water.

And ironically, I was ok after all the rides, but wanted to puke after taking an SBS bus ride home later tonight. T__T

Another perk of the being the media?

Limited edition lanyard with special USS pins!! Excuse the crappy handphone pic quality.

And of course, I got sucked into the whole LOOK AT ME, SHINY MERCHANDISE allure, and ended up buying this...

Scream!! I waved it in front of my boss and he simply shook his head. Nothing rattles my boss.

Of course, since I'm certified office bimbo, people actually started offering me condolences when David Beckham got injured.

LOL. Good Day.

P.S.: Also did my appraisal today. Less appraisal than complain session.

Somehow, plenty of vitriol spewed out, practically a laundry list.

And then my boss kept asking me if I was serious about leaving after 1 more year.

Huh. I don't think I gave him a convincing answer. So I think I may have screwed up. Corporate bullshit 101: never give anyone the idea you're quitting. that might screw up increments/bonuses etc.

Oh well. We shall see. Either he was serious about wanting me to stay, and hopefully we can improve on my work... or I get thrown into cold storage.

Que sara sara.

2010-03-09T22:36:00.003+08:00

The God Complex

Just need to get something off my chest. It's making my blood boil and skin crawl.

See, when I was just a happy little radio reporter, I was surrounded by similarly happy folks.

Folks who are simple, folks who understand they're just doing a job, folks who had a sense of humour, were not overworked to the point of being utter cows, and more importantly, did not have a sense of self-importance.

Fast forward to present circumstances.

I'm not sure what it is about being on tv, but it seems to give you a sense of invincibility.

Like, you're all that matters, every word that drips from your mouth is the golden truth and indisputable, and if something does crop up, cover your ass in triple quickness by foisting the blame onto someone else.

And most importantly, thinking that your opinion is god's word.

So anyway, there's this superior whom i'm not entirely fond of.

It's not a personality thing, it's just a I can't believe I have to stand here listening to you talk when you have no idea what you want and throw 10 billion ideas for a single story thing.

Most time, I nod, space out, utter some guttural sound that remotely resembles a "yes" and pray that it's over as soon as possible.

But said person threw down the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back.

Long story short, when said auntie who reminds me of those obasans who tattoo their eyebrows and wear artificial bright pink lipstick and highly patterned, tight-fitting, low-cut clothes offers ME fashion advice, that crosses a bloody, bloody line.

And just as a clarification, she delivered it as if it was a sacred word of God and in a highly smug, self-knowing, pitying manner.

EXCUSE ME, JUST BECAUSE I CHOOSE TO DRESS DOWN ON A DAY WHEN I 'M SIMPLY STARING AT A COMPUTER DOES NOT MEAN I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT MEANS TO BE "PROFESSIONAL".

AND FYI ON DAYS WHEN I KNOW I'M APPEARING ON TV, MY KENNETH-COLE CLAD ASS SURE AS HELL LOOKS A BILLION TIMES BETTER THAN YOU COULD EVER DREAM OF.

AND ADDING TO IT ALL, YOU REMIND ME TO SHOP FOR JACKETS, AND GIVE ME FASHION ADVICE???? ARE YOU BLIND WOMAN?

The irony of the start of of this post and the latter portion is not lost on me.

Well, you force me on tv, don't be surprised when I turn into one of you self-important people. Except, you didn't realise that I was a mega bitch to begin with, so SUCKS TO YOU.

ok, now i'm done.

2010-03-01T23:06:00.002+08:00

Wow, have neglected the blog for a whole month.

Always plan to update but somehow... after the life-force is sucked out of me at work, I barely have energy to wash off my makeup.

Anyway, thought I'd drop an entry about the hazards of being my boyfriend.

Had to do a story about weather (don't ask) and was in NUS to interview a climate change expert.

Since my boss asked for man in the street response about how Singaporeans are keeping cool in the weather, I put two-and-two and made an SOS call to Fadz.

And that's how he got coerced to appear on tv. Teeheehee...

What? Nepotism? Eh no. He's also a man, on the street, with an opinion what.

Ok, shall try to post something about my New York trip soon!!

2010-01-28T22:51:00.003+08:00

I Turn 2 In 2 Weeks' Time!

In terms of journalistic experience anyway.

And quite honestly, it has felt more like an eternity.

Does anyone really know what they want to do in life?

On a whim, I tried out reporting.

Lo and behold, it's 2 years and I think I've aged 20 years.

I think my posts have become very depressing.

Perhaps it's just a reflection of how I truly feel these days.

The long hours, the office politicking, the drudgery...

And just when I thought I was done, the company throws me another life line, sucking me back in.

I hope I don't regret my decision.

Feels like I should post a picture or something to break the monotony of the words... haha.. but so lazy... so tired...

Ok, maybe just a few.

I haven't really spoken much about my Laos trip.

Fadz claims he didn't think it was anything great. And granted, it's not a touristy place that has many memorable sights.

Rather, it's the breathtaking landscape, irascible and humorous people who have a long brutal history to share, laidback lifestyle that I miss the most.

Stepping out of my room takes me straight to this crystal clear lake.

Exploring a half submerged cave that's in complete darkness. I'm just glad that I don't suffer from claustrophobia.

And probably above all, hanging out with my best friend.

It's always fun to travel with the significant other. Now I just need to convince him that Syria is our next stop.

2010-01-06T23:03:00.003+08:00

New Year Resolutions... Who Gives A Fuck?

I know, I know, it's not like me to get so angsty.

But it's that time of the year where a standard sweep of blogs will reward you with entry after entry of pointless new year resolutions (seriously: 20 new goals for 1 year??) that will most likely never be kept.

I gave up trying to set new targets circa... I can't even remember.

I suppose the feeling of helplessness and the futility of it all was heightened this year, thanks to having to work on New Year's Eve AND New Year's Day.

I bid farewell to 2009 in the office. Too exhausted to go out, I simply went home because all I could think about was sleep.

Think I managed to put in one message to Fadz before blacking out.

And before I knew it, it was dawn and time for me to get to work.

I spent the first half of 2010 alone in the whole goddamn office as other people gradually stumbled in after 12pm.

As the pond scum in my organisation, I was assigned the morning shift to "hold the fort".

Not that I was REALLY complaining. Because I'd take peace and quiet over having to face a stupid monkey ANY day.

As a sidetrack, it's completely farcical and ridiculous for a 34-year-old grown man to pass notes back and forth with another colleague behind my back, because he wanted to bitch about me.

I was so sorely tempted to shoot an email welcoming him to the Age of Technology, and suggesting that email or msn might be a better platform for office bitching.

At least you look like you are working.

Plus, you save trees.

Anyway, it's hard to think about 2010 as a new beginning, when it seems so similar to the old year, doesn't it?

To top it all off, I think the stress at work caused me to have a mild panic attack over the weekend, when I finally got to get some rest.

I called it a quarter-life crisis, but thinking back, it sure felt like a panic attack.

The sudden panic that there was something wrong with my life. The nonstop questioning within me.

Like I've accomplished nothing in my 2 years of work, and there was nothing to look forward to. And the saddest part was, I felt like I couldn't muster enough energy to GIVE A DAMN.

At first I couldn't pinpoint the source of the discontent growing in me, and even began to question if I was unsatisfied with my relationship with Fadz. Luckily, he bore it with good humour and faith (as usual) and talked me out of my hysteria.

But honestly, I wake up now with dread in my heart whenever I think of work.

Oh god, how long more can this continue?

If there is one thing that I want to do this year, is to travel more.

Once I've gotten the wanderlust out of my system, then I'd decide what to do with my life, career wise.

In case you are mistaken, I'm not looking to climb the corporate ladder or be some high-powered executive.

Hell no. All I'm asking for is a job that pays me fair wages, working hours that do not tear me up from the inside, and an environment that actually cultivates learning instead of pure stumbling along.

For now, I'm just trying to channel happy thoughts.

And the travel year is shaping up!

Jan: A highly-anticipated spa getaway to Batam with the KB girls. Nothing like cheap labour and A&W! to rub some tension out of me.
Feb: Heading to the Big Apple and Boston to meet the sister. Can't wait to run my fingers through snow, breathe in intoxicating crisp, cold air and be amazed by the sights, sounds and smells of New York even in winter.
June: Fadz is finally, finally graduating! (no longer dating a student! double income!) Am persuading him that it's worth spending money on a grad trip. Maybe Istanbul. or Bangkok. Maybe Australia. Haven't really decided.
Dec: Maybe finally get to take that long awaited Europe trip with Sylvia, Kristin and Uncle Shawn! Eh Kris, if you reading this.... can still go or not, Mrs Han-t0-be?

Anyway, that's the plan for now.

How am I financing it? Through sheer positive thinking, sucking it up at work for now... and eh, I dunno, praying for money to fall from the sky.

2009-12-16T16:33:00.003+08:00

Chilling and 'Laxing in Laos

Have been in Laos for 5 days so far.. and I think I'm finally getting into the pace of things.

By pace, I mean, a super slow and relaxed pace.

Everything starts in the morning but Fadz and I are rarely awake.

So by the time we do wake up, the town is usually on its way to lunch, shutting down for an hour(or five) for a quick siesta.

The sun is surprisingly hot for winter, with even the dogs too lazy and hot to bark at people.

My mum told me to watch my food intake, cos according to her, Laos is a FOURTH world country.

Oh well, broke all the rules on the first day. Iced shakes, back alley eating, not to mention all the roadside foodstalls...

Hah. Am in Vang Vieng right now. Kayaked around some amazing limestone karsts on amazingly clear and blue Nam Song River.

Or like Fadz says it, I pretend to paddle for a couple of metres, then stop to admire the scenary as he labours behind me. HAH!

Speaking of Fadz, if I have to hear one more 'wat' or 'Buddha' joke, I may come back a solo traveller.

Yes, he's that sacrilegious.

Off to Luang Prabang tomorrow!