Men can be so gross

I feel like throwing up. Been reading this article from Reader's Digest about the rampant child-prostitution in Cambodia. There's this entire sex trade catered to the niche group of foreign and local pedophiles. Apparently, men get a kick from bedding girls as young as 4. How sick is is that?

One reason thrown up for this growing trend is that men get a high from knowing that they are the first to teach a virgin the pleasures of sex. Why the fucking hell would a 4 year old need to know the pleasures of sex? She's still a kid, her hormones are not even in order! And you're probably not the first to bed her, so don't give some fucking lame excuse and just admit that your brain is dead! And these poor girls have to service so many men a day. They're still children! How would you like it if your child was brutally raped over and over again!

It was so heartbreaking to read on. This undercover humanitarian pretended to be a customer and asked for young girls. These 2 young girls, ages 6 and 8, came to him, having been woken up by their pimps. It was like 10pm, these kids were sleeping, like any other kid! What other proof do you need that you are a monster and taking advantage of a helpless child?

Aarggh, it's moments like this that I really despise men. I know it's unfair to generalise, and there are really nice guys out there, but seriously, some men can be so fucking sickening.

Why are there boy prostitutes? Not because females get a kick out of bedding them (of course, there are those) but because some fucking mentally twisted men enjoy the tightness of anal sex and these boys cater to such needs. Because they have no choice. Because they have no bargaining power. Because they just want to die.

And because men are so concerned with friction that most don't want to wear a condom. If the girl tries to insist, she gets a thrashing first from the customer, then her pimp. So by the time these girls reach the age of 10, they are already HIV positive.

What do they think their way out of this misery is? To marry one of the foreigners that they have serviced. They write letters to these foreigners begging them to take them away. Yeah right.

Don't even get me started on the prostitutes in Vietnam. There's also a growing child-prostitution trade there. From some reports, the "mamas" would force pith into the girl's virgina, and then pour water in. When the pith absorbs the water, it expands, and expands the virgina. This is to cater to customers who complain that virgins have pathways too tight. Do you know that some girls die from this treatment? That they die from infection? That the pain is intolerable?

I feel like crying. I feel so helpless. What can I do to help these girls?

Where To Now?

They weren't kidding when they said that NS is the mother of all relationship-destroyers. Things lately have gotten rather... off.

Our paths once crossed during our JC days. Being in such close proximity and undergoing the same experiences drew us closer. but now, our paths have diverged and i don't think our paths will cross soon enough again to stop this discontented feeling.

fadz doesn't understand what i'm going through. more accurately, he doesn't bother to know. because he's not experiencing the same situation, he shows little to no interest in my life. he hears, but he doesn't listen.

i'm not much better. to me, NS is and will always be some amusing notion of boys playing with guns, shooting at non-moving targets and priding themselves as being "combat ready" when all they really know is how to run up a hill in formation and go "bang bang".

but the thing is, school is my life, and NS is his. no matter how foreign the notion is, it is very real for the person undergoing it. and i can't relate, i just can't. i'm sick of being the understanding girlfriend, i'm sick of not having his presence around. i'm sick that he can go out in the middle of the night while i'm mugging away over things that i don't understand.

and the temptation. man, has li wern tried to warn me about it. correction, she kept telling me that i shouldn't tie myself down to a NS boy when i was surrounded by men. "why don't you go date some guys?" "then you can make a comparison." "maybe you'd find someone better."

someone has caught my eye. but that's just it. he possesses qualities that fadz doesn't have, and qualities that i once thought were critical in the man i love. but at the end of the day, i just want fadz. i just want to recapture that feeling of exhilaration, the feeling that we connected and he understood me. the feeling that we only needed each other and i didn't have to look elsewhere to feel understood.

i want to go back to our jc days.

Time To Get Fat

And the biannual binge-a-thon begins. It's amazing how much crap i can shovel into my mouth when i'm bored or doing work. Ok, they mean the same thing to me. :)

I'm attempting to do my stats revision and boy is it a snooze-fest. oh god, damn the person who invented maths! it is so mind-numbingly boring that i can't sit still for more than 5 minutes. sigh, this is getting no where.

besides wasting my life away on a bunch of lifeless numbers, i'm killing my body. Seriously, anything that is bite-size beware! i devour grapes by the bunches and now i'm working my way through a packet of peanuts. i thought that since i would have to shell them, it would slow me down. Dreamer. All it did was slow down my writing speed. Why do i even bother?

Thank goodness my restrain against potato chips, the number one killer, is still holding. I find it totally annoying that some people eat chips but taking multiple dainty bites out of the same chip. Gad's sake, it's meant to be eaten in one bite! So stop desecrating this sacred action! bleah, if i stay at home any longer, i might soon lose the ability to get my ass off the chair. Someone help me!!!!!!

sigh. i'm bored. i'm unmotivated. i just want to get out and do something, but i have no idea what. when did i become so wishy-washy and indecisive? it's disgusting. really, it is. And now my thoughts can't even flow properly and i'm talking gibberish. i apologise to everyone who has to read this crap. must be all the calories clogging up the remnants of a once active mind. aaahh, do i miss those days when i sounded intelligent.

the curtain closes...

my ltb course is over. Finally. It's not that i wasn't happy or anything... just that it can get rather tiring after a while. moreover, i did experience a couple of moments when i wanted to throttle some people.... lol, nah, at the end of the day, i'm eternally grateful to the Powers That Be for giving me such a great and dynamic group. No complaints, no major ones anyway. i think i would have died in the other groups. thank goodness that Illumino was made of personalities that could click.

well, back to the old rat race, not that i was truly out of it. all i did was merely shelf it aside to concentrate on the seemingly endless number of presentations. the exams are coming soon and i'm still procrastinating. bugger it. i need some motivation!!!! but what? what? how bout i might fail and get kicked out of school, lazyass? Right. Point taken.

anyway, check these photos out while my 2 personalities wrestle it out. *and in that corner, prudish Joanne slams lazyass Joanne onto the floor... but wait! what is this? Lazyass Joanne trips prudish and she's down! Lazyass wins again!*

doing our best impersonation of The Apprentice. muahaha.

our ltb journey depicted through photos. sniff sniff.

My Darling's Birthday

Men can be such idiots. No, i don't mean Fadz, but some other guy whom I'm furious at. A couple of posts back, i mentioned that i will be throwing a surprise birthday party for Fadz. 3 hours before the event, some ASSHOLE smsed Fadz and told him that he couldn't make it for his birthday dinner. He was stunned for a moment before asking me if there was some dinner planned for him that he didn't know about. i nearly fainted. That was before i called the offensive fellow and yelled at him for a good 10 minutes. This morning in stats, he saw me and cowered in fear. Huummppfff. He deserved it.


anywayz, here are some photos of the party. it was damn hot and we started to perspire a little, hence the shiny faces. hehehe...



me and my sweetie.. looking a bit ruffled and messy...




me and the scandalous Ms Tan Li Wern



La food...


giving the birthday boy a smoochie... (a better present right? :) )


doing a hugo boss ad.. not!

Ok, i know i haven't blogged in some time.. but it's really been crazy. Don't endless projects and stuff.. btw, thanks Christina for lending me your stats textbook! you're such a sweetheart!

Ok, off to pop panadol and stuff.. my nose is killing me..

gone... it's really gone...

I'm losing my mind. seriously, i am. i can forget what i did half an hour ago. And i always say Sylvia has a corkscrew brain... sigh...

I've lost my Stats textbook. Oh goody. the thing is, i can't recall where i left it. was it at ficus? at osl? seriously man, if somebody stole it, that person is a fucking loser. it's a STATS textbook for gad's sake. ARE YOU THAT DESPERATE, YOU CRAPASS LOSER? great, and now i'm gonna fail stats. sigh...

and to think i only discovered my missing book when i was almost home. apparently, i had conveniently walked out of school, went to Duke's Diner to make a reservation and only when i was near bukit batok, did i realise my hands were empty. *whacks forehead*

so what did i do? my favourite reaction of course. i freaking panicked. i frantically called aldric and screamed down the phone for him to help me go to ficus and search for my book. of course, being me, i talked a bit too loudly on the bus and people started to stare. sigh. he called back shortly, after an excrutiating 10 minutes to tell me he couldn't find it.

i started to get depressed (over a stats book!) and then i tried to make my stupid dead brain think where i left it. convinced that i had left it in ficus and thinking that aldric wouldn't look at the tables, i harassed the poor boy again to go to ficus and check all the tables. Duh. it's aldric. of course he'd already checked.

after another 5 minutes, i called aldric again. this time, i was convinced that i'd left it at osl. i could hear his exasperation, but whatever. i just had to find my freaking book. aldric's lesson started and he went for the lesson first. so what did i do? seeing how i was at home and in my room.... i fell asleep. -_-''' so much for worrying. aldric messaged later to tell me he couldn't find it. i so owe him big time.

sigh. so what to do now... what to do now... bleah! eh kris, lend me your book leh. i think i'll go photocopy it or something.

AAARRRRGGGGHHHH. Stats textbook stealer, may you rot and burn and die in hell!!!! die asshole die!!!!!

One down, 3 more to do

Phew! i'm done with Comms. I think we did ok... We finally pulled it together and the transition was pretty ok. Unfortunately, a lot of people around me didn't fare as pleasantly and they're rather disheartened now.

Especially poor Aldric, he was so stressed out yesterday night... he msn-ed me and was freaking out and getting real worried. Now that his presentation is done, he is even more worried. Haiz, i feel bad for him...

Hehe, Fadz's birthday is coming. I'm giving him a surprise birthday party. Even since i've met him, i've been trying to give him a surprise. Unfortunately, every surprise is marred by uncooperative people and predictability. This time, i'm going for broke... muahahahaha...

The first birthday i planned for him... people going told him that they were going to be late. -_-''' And SARS was rampant then... so i couldn't even meet him cos my mum refused to let me out of the house.

The second birthday i wanted to surprise him with a picnic (cooked entirely by yours truly) at Sentosa. He guessed the picnic somehow, and then he hated the sun at Sentosa. LOL, he was so miserable we had to leave early. And then the next day, i planned a surprise birthday party at Swensen's for him. He guessed that too. bleah...

So this year, it is going to be an all-out secretive operation. We're going to Duke's Diner at Crown Centre on Good Friday. So far, no idiot has smsed him yet. Also, since it's not on his birthday, and not even the weekend, he wouldn't see it. Fingers crossed this time he's gonna be shocked! Must be shocked! Don't care!

haha... 3 more presentations to go.. i'm rambling.. oh well.. oh yeah, FA presentation. Mark wanted to join my group (me, Sylvia, Ying Wen and Kristin) but we quickly told the Prof that we'd already done most of it. Today, another girl approached us to join our group. And there's only one more week to go. No freaking way. We quickly brushed her off again, we're safe.

Not very nice right? Oh well. It's true that we're mostly done anyway...

Alrightie, brain is switching off. Sleep-deprived from doing comms and studying for FA test. Zzzzzzz.....

Man or Woman?

Ah well, at least i'm female enough.

Your Brain is 66.67% Female, 33.33% Male

Your brain leans female You think with your heart, not your head Sweet and considerate, you are a giver But you're tough enough not to let anyone take advantage of you!

What Gender Is Your Brain?

I'm turning racist

I like to think of myself as being more open-minded and racially-harmonious. However, a few unsavoury characters have completely closed my mind and i now have a very low opinion about Indians.

It all began with Mudit. A 16-year old punk, he thought he was smarter than everyone and had an opinion about everything. He would talk and talk and talk, repeating what people said and doing slipshod work. Sigh....

And this whole vicious cycle is now perpetuating with Shashank and Kaushal, two authentic Indians who are my President and Ex-President of Ventures respectively. Are they smart and capable? You bet. But have they broken away from the old Indian mindset that women are inferior? Hell no.

It's infuriating when I'm not given credit. I'm undertaking this project and they always conveniently leave me out. My partner on this project is a male, and he is always in the loop, always credited and always put in charge. I want to strangle those two ah nehs so badly it's not funny.

It's hard to respect a person when they are so rude and annoying. They do what they want and shove people aside as and when they like. I was planning a meeting with my prof, and did the responsible thing to call everyone involved. But Shashank just steamrolled in and decided the matter, leaving me out of the meeting and telling the prof that only he and my partner are going. Bastard. He also left my Vice-President out. Who the hell does he think he is? The club isn't his, no matter what he may think. Jerk. %^&$%#^%$!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm going to make sure that ah neh knows i'm alive. Boy, is he going to know it. If he thinks that i'm all about parties and fruity in behaviour, he's gonna get a rude awakening. A VERY rude one.

I'm damn thirsty

Li Wern broke up with her boyfriend. Finally. If this sounds mean, well, try listening to that woman whine and promising to end the relationship for the past gazillion months. I'm just glad it's over. woo hah!

We went to Alley Bar for some girly talk. Lol, so much for trying to save up. Drank a lychee martini, cosmopolitan, and then on a whim, we decided to end the day on a good note with the karma sutra. that is basically 5 vodka, liquer-flavoured shots. Yup, definitely a high. I think towards the end we were talking too loudly, discussing how best she should flirt with a guy so that she could lay him and get over her horniness... yup, definitely on a high. The waiters were all looking at us in amusement. Oh well... =)

Look what turned up in my mailbox. it's amazing how a transsexual can sum up all the things that a woman feels. hehe...

When I am a girl, my life will be sweet.

Boys'd buy me jewels in hopes of a treat.
When I am a girl, I'll be a conniver,

I'll gossip to friends and be a worse driver.
When I am a girl, I'll have sensitive feelings.

Climb the corporate ladder, straight into glass ceilings.
When I am a girl, I'll resent that the gents

Earn a dollar compared to my seventy cents.
I'll go out to bars, bat my eyelids and squeal.

Pretend not to notice dudes copping a feel.
When I am a girl, I'll giggle and wink.

I'll flirt with the studs and never pay for a drink.
When I am a girl, I'll obsess if I'm slim.

I'll count the net carbs and never go to the gym.
When I am a girl, I'll envy your noodle

I'll need a support group to pee like a poodle.
When I am a girl, I'll get excited for hours,

I'll never wear panties and have a weakness for flowers.
I'll play with all day, my bundle of nerves

And never give up what no man deserves.
Then one week a month I'll have an excuse

To spread venom, and hatred and mental abuse.
But the thing to which I look forward the most,

The thing to which all the girls will toast,
Is the turning of any innocent spat

Into: "OH MY GOD! ARE YOU SAYING I'M FAT???"
So for all of these reasons and infinite more

I can hardly contain my feminine lore.
For when I am a girl I'll marry some jerk

So I can eat bonbons and let him go to work.
I'll cut my hair short and since I'll be a wife,

I'll gain five pounds a year, for the rest of my life.
But now back to real life for Helga The Virgin

As known on the corner where I earn for the surgeon.

Damn, but my tag-board is down. Help! Help! What is happening?

Cool! I'm in the exco

Yay! After a nerve-wrecking wait during the elections, i was finally elected onto the executive committee of SMU Ventures. I'm the new director of Human Resource. Haha... such an irony...

You see, i'm always making fun of my sister, who is the HR Administrator of her company. Just watching her, i vowed never to do anything with HR, cos it really is a thankless task. Everyone is constantly asking her questions and asking her to solve their problems, on top of all her own work. And here i am, the new HR director of Ventures. It's called bad karma. =)

Right away, i was thrown into the daunting task of handling the administrative work. I feel so out of my skin... oh well, let's see how it goes.

I'm really creeped out by Teoh Boon Seong; he's my comms prof. Not only is he a bad instructor (he never bothers to teach anything), he's also a SUPER big chee ko pek. After learning that my boyfriend was Malay, he quickly asked if i spoke Malay. My reply was negative, and he hasn't stopped hounding me ever since.

You see, Teoh teaches basic Malay in SMU. Now, at almost every lesson, he would call me aside and try to confirm whether i am going to take his class. Basically, he has strongheld me into agreeing. Sigh. Jerk.

Right. Better get back to listening in class. Alvin (my TA) always sits behind me. He casually informed me that he knew i was sleeping. -_-''' I told him i was merely distracted. Let's hope he doesn't deduct too many points off my grade. hahahahaha...

I hate emails (and smses)

I hate emails (and smses)

Technology is not agreeing with me today. I've had nothing but bad news from it- more work, last minute meetings etc. I'm normally not VERY violent, but just for today, i had the urge to slam my phone on the floor, and stomp my laptop into little pieces. Yes, it's that bad.

It all started yesterday actually. I was supposed to meet this girl from SA to do something for Ventures. Obediently, i went to Raffles at the anointed time and waited patiently. half an hour later, i was still alone in that creepy place. so when i panickily asked the girl where she was, she replied (through sms!) that she was held up at the office. Seeing how i had a LTB meeting, and i was already damn late, i left. Unfortunately, it started to rain. very heavily. not willing to stay in that creepo place, i ran in the rain for the shelther of the red door gallery, which, in my opinion, equally creepy. i then had to take a freaking cab to the business block cos i was completely trapped. First blow of bad news through technology.

Second blow into the heart: I've just come home from school after an extremely long and taxing LTB meeting, switched on my laptop and boom! second arrow fired. Ravi (from Ventures) fires me this message through msn, "Why don't you ever check your emails? Reply to it!!!"

Being very weary, i didn't mince my words. "I'm not tied to my computer day and night." At least he had the decency to apologise and looked embarrassed. (he put on the embarrassed emoticon) And to that, he had only just sent out the message in the afternoon, when i was in school!

today, i went to westmall after morning stats class to meet my mum for lunch. boom! third arrow into my heart. Kaushal (my ventures president) smsed me "check your email". Which i then replied "i'm not at home now." Not very nice, especially since he's my president. Ravi (yup, him again!) then messaged me that we needed to see a professor TODAY for ventures. Apparently, that was the email i was supposed to check. Seeing how i last checked my email at 1am, and was in school at 8.30am, I started smoking from the ears a little. Extremely harrassed, i rushed back to school for the aforementioned meeting. And the prof made us wait 30 minutes for it.

and the final dagger into my heart. i came home to some much needed rest, and this sms comes through from York. "check your email, reply asap." that did it. i was so irate that all i could see was rage. Turning on my computer, i changed my msn nick to "dammit! if you have something to tell me, call me and not email me! i'm not tied to my computer day and night!"

Unfortunately, York was online and he became enraged too. he proceeded to take the high road and screamed at me for kao bei-ing, when all he was doing was being responsible. the email, incidentally, was to arrange for a meeting tomorrow for ltb. sigh. what did i do? of course i ripped back, giving it back twice as good. i screamed and raged as fast as my fingers will type. msn, by the way, is a weird medium to scold someone. anyway, luckily we've worked it out. but only after a lot of churlish and mean words were exchanged.

so you see, i have a right to be angry with technology. it has done nothing but bring my bad news. The next time i see Neil Jones, I'm gonna hurl something at him. Down with technology! (and profs who teach technology!)

Salaam

Salaam

Was at the boyfriend's house yesterday to celebrate his brother's 13th birthday. Lol, previously, i was pissed at him over a very small issue. Fadz has a very laidback attitude to everything, including our relationship. to him, we are supposedly at the level where i SHOULD know what to do in every situation. I didn't really receive an invitation to go over to his house, and so i asked him about it. but he replied meanly "Usually we don't invite you and you also come what." -_-''' That totally pissed me off... haha, i'm sensitive in that way.

so childishly, i refused to sms him to ask what time to go over. and accordingly, that stupid boy ignored me as well... until my marked absence triggered a rude message from him late in the afternoon. followed by a few more rude messages. it really was a battle of the words; seeing who can piss off the other person more. sigh... are we really 20 years old??? when i cornered him later to ask about the relevance of the messages, he admitted he just wanted to irritate me. altogether now... sssiiggghhh...

anyway, at his house... although i know his family well, i've never really conformed to their customs and traditions. so when one aunt asked pointblank "No salaam ah?" (salaam, by the way, is the paying of respect to an elder by touching your nose to the elder's hand) In shock, i clumsily grabbed her hand and instinctively, i started to pump her hand ie like a handshake before remembering where i was and touched my forehead to her hand. hahahahahhaha...

so anyway, when i was leaving, i performed the same action to all his relatives... wrongly. i hope they don't mind. after all, i have no prior "training". Only when i consulted Fadz did i discover my faux pas. oh well, you live and learn.

oh yeah, and his youngest aunt is pregnant! his cousins are sooo adorable. i can't wait for another cousin to cuddle and kiss!

The World's Greatest Tragedy

The World's Greatest Tragedy

While reading blogs, i came across this comment:

"Everyone has been harping on the 250 000 people who perished in the Tsunami since last December. But do you know that 4 million people have died in a civil war in rebel-controlled East Congo for the past 6 years... Why do we not hear of this? Because they are black." - sheabutter

Although i've known Congo to be repressed and war torn, i never knew about the extent of the war horror. On the other hand, i knew intimately about the death toll created by the Asian Tsunami. Why is there such a discrepency? Media manipulation? Or do people only want to know what they are willing to help?

I suppose the difference is the method of salvation. To put it coldly, money will eventually rebuilt all that was lost to the tidal waves. yes, people died, but with money, lives will be rebuilt, villages restored. and life goes on.

but with Congo, nothing short of declaring war and taking back the country from the rebels will change anything. So why isn't the Bush administration charging in with it's democracy fighters and all that bullshit?

sheabutter makes a point. Because they are black. In Iraq and Afganistan, there was oil to gain; revenge to be taken. But to take control of Congo, what can the Americans hope to gain? Nothing much. So there's no return of investment.

So there you have it - invading a country to liberate it is crap, American crap. If George Bush was truly that righteous, let's see him charge into Congo.

So which is a greater tragedy, one caused by nature or one by war? to me, both seem incontrollable. to wish that we will one day live in a world where there are no desperados or power-hungry dictators is foolish. people are just that way. selfish and greedy for more.

oh yeah, what more details on the horrors of Congo? Check this out.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/africa/2405563.stm

Technology & World Change - Who Cares?

Technology and World Change - Who Bloody Cares?

I must say, this is possibly the most bullshit and boring class that i will ever attend at SMU. Yes, it's even worse than financial accounting. Even though the professor speaks well and his biting sarcasm can be rather humorous at times, he's like a well-spoken engineer speaking to a group of philosophy students: no one understands, and no one gives a shit.

After valiantly fighting to keep awake by throwing myself into participating in class, only one hour has passed. Time is dragging by so slowly i feel like throwing myself out of the window. Of course, since we're on the ground floor, i don't think i would get maimed; my pride maybe, but my miserable mind will still feel like killing itself.

I'm soooo bored, you cannot imagine. The prof can go on and on about a particular topic... like a radio, or broadcast system, and he uses all kinds of analogies to make us understand. But the point is, who cares? Who really gives a shit?? How is this supposed to help us? How are we supposed to go for an exam that is 40% of our final grade when we a) don't know what the course is all about b) have no idea what he could possibly test us on c) we don't bloody care or want to care.

Sigh. And to think i was doing so well mimicking someone who did care. i'm participating, i'm trying to to listen, but right now i've given up. Seeing how i'm using a computer that is not even mine, i think he would know that i'm not listening. Once again, show of hands, who cares? Not me.

The Bell Jar

I've just finished reading The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath and it's an amazing book. The way she expressed the kinds of emotion and grief, the insanity, that one feels during a mental breakdown was so eloquent that i wanted to weep in despair. Although i rarely have a liking for depressing books, The Bell Jar was so riveting that i had to complete it within 2 sittings.

I suppose another strong point of this book is that it is so relevant. I'm sure at some point in everyone's life, we have felt stifled by people's perceptions and what we should do, how we should behave, etc. And that inability to climb out of that controlled environment is what the Bell Jar is all about. Being unable to shed inhibitions and societal notions to be who we want to be, do what we want to do. I've felt that way many times before. Many, many times.

Also, why is it that more women are prone to mental breakdowns than men? Post-natal depression, menopausal emotional breakdowns, not to mention how sometimes the littlest things can set us off. Why were we born to be able to feel so much, to feel pain in magnifold? Depression, in many degrees, can be seen in women everywhere. While i have never experienced complete depression, sometimes i feel that life can seem very unforgiving. The oppressiveness of even waking up in the morning can be so overwhelming that being alive is an effort. Isn't that truly scary?

Haha, i'm not saying that i'm heading towards the psychiatric ward, i'm just saying that if there really is a God, he sure played a final joke on us women: he made us feel too much. I supposed that's why they say you should never offend a women; rage is also an emotion, and when we go bonkers, we truly go bonkers. I guess it's to compensate for all the pain that we somehow take upon us to bear. Some women choose to weep and die from the inside; others need to pass the pain onto others before it subsides.

"Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned." No shit.

Whirlwind of socialising

Whirlwind of socialising

Wow, what an exhuasting week of entertaining, and most of it didn't even have to do with chinese new year. the endless rounds of meeting friends and just catching up has left me rather tired. but it was fun! boy, was it fun (and fattening!)

09/02/05: beginning with cny eve dinner at mayim, which wasn't fantastic, but it marks the start of the orgy of gorging that i embarked upon.

10/02/05: next was Cheryl's (my sista) birthday celebration; she turned the grand old age of 25. birthday dinner was at Muthu's curry, which began on a rather gross start, as a little boy at a nearby table threw up while his grandma was carrying him. some of his puke found its way onto our then empty plates. restaurant is nice enough, definitely not your ordinary indian restaurant. even more startling was that it served yu sheng, in the spirit of cny and all. food was good, setting was pretty; a good meal in all.


me with the birthday girl


me with the family (dad was taking the picture)


the yu sheng (they hired a chinese chef especially for this occasion)


a bad shot of the food!

11/02/05: was out with fadz that day, and as i was settling into the couch for a good round of tv, my crazy friends (read: eng teck) called up to blackmail me into surprising sylvia. we had a cake and all, which was nice. but at 11pm at night, to travel all the way to boon lay for a 15 minute surprise... i was slightly disgruntled... :)

hamming it up at Plaza Singapura's Gelare

at the fountain outside ngee ann city

12/02/05: Sylvia's official birthday celebration at her house (again!). Chocolate cake aside, had a pretty fun time gossiping with my fellow smu friends, before playing mah jong with frank, denise and wai hon. i won $11! muahaha...

the smu gang!

Later i trooped over to sim's (my sec 2 form teacher) house for a visit. it's actually a cover up for the 206 people to meet up annually. we just need a place and reason to meet up. haha... poor mr sim. every year we arrive only to cost him a fortune and turn his house upside down. had fun bitching (as usual) about our fellow ex-classmates with the KB gang, before giggling and being silly over how a few of the boys have ahem.. matured and become better looking. haha..

fooling around at mos burger waiting for jing yi

the kb gang! (minus ms charlotte)

my great, old teddybear teacher!

lol, we think he's pretty hot. better looking in real life.

13/02/05: was supposed to be fadz and my celebration of valentine's day, as he would be in camp come the actual day. but alan had planned a nice lunch gathering at The Oaks at Tanglin Mall as a farewell party for Pris. She's leaving to study in Australia on Friday, so sad.. another person flies the coop. :( I brought my camera to take photos, but it ran out of battery... -_-'''

after that, we played pooled at Mambo at Lucky Plaza, and surprise surprise, i stink at pool. oh well...

later in the afternoon, fadz and i walked around orchard to kill some time before dinner (more eating!). things have been a bit strained between us lately; he prefering to languish in stability and routine, and me craving for some sponteneity and missing the heady feeling one feels when one is in the initial stages of a relationship.. i guess i was also freaked out by his constant references to married life and children. lol, he has accelerated the process by a million times.

sensing that i was truly bored of walking around aimlessly, he suggested we go to the breakwater at marina bay for some alone time. it worked like a charm. somehow, the clear azure blue skies, the deliciously dry grass that we were sitting on, and the serene ocean (complete with ships) that we were facing made everything seem... wonderful. in all my fits of exasperation, i failed to remember one important factor of our current relationship: how happy and stable we are, and that he never fails to make me feel loved. sitting there looking at the water, being held in his arms, he made me feel absolutely safe, warm and happy. very, very happy. so i may not feel the old flames of excitement, but what i do feel is happiness. being with him still brings butterflies to my stomach, i still eagerly wait to see him, and he makes me laugh. somehow, i've forgotten about these things.

at night, aside from the lovely bouquet of roses, he treated me to dinner at amiran's in bugis. had a nice dinner just basking in each other's company, while freezing our socks off in the ridiculously cold environment...

14/02/05: so how did i spend valentine's day? at home, what else. i gave school a miss as my lazy butt refused to leave the cosiness of my bed, and also to study for my stats test. that turned out to be a farce as lethargy won out. i studied for a little while only. but i did have a fantastic japanese meal with geraldine (other sista) and my mum at Raku, a quiant, lovely restaurant in Holland V. the ambience is deliciously warm; soft yellow lighting, only a few tables and dark, oak furniture. it's an open kitchen concept, but the ventilation is so good that we when came out there was no trace of the food we had consumed. the food is exquisite: warm soba bathed in a lovely broth, tempura fried so well that it's non-oily and the flour easily separates from the filling; a mark of good chefmanship. the soft shell crab was crispy and generous in meat, although the accompanying sauce was too sour for my taste; give me good old mayonnaise any time! and there was the claypot unagi with egg. Splendidly done, the egg so soft and silky while the unagi had a decided bite to it. The only damper to the whole experience was the volatile chef. the equipment he was using was faulty, and in a fit of rage, he began throwing things around in disgust. at least when he caught me looking at him, he had the sense to look apologetic. no sense in having an open kitchen if the customer has to endure fits of temper.

good week, good week. how am i gonna start school? oh yeah, through sheer will and force.. i have a test tomorrow. god bless me.

Chinese New Year is... fun

Chinese New Year is...FUN...

On the eve of Chinese New Year, i persuaded Fadz to bring me to Chinatown. Lol, i dunno if he or the ang mos were more conspicuous. Anyway, the crowds were CRAZY! At some points, we couldn't even move. Fadz grew increasingly agitated, and me, being nutso and all, was actually enjoying being crushed to death by sweaty, disgusting people. Haha...

So he refused to talk to me and keeping his head down, plowed through the people, attempting to reach the end. And when we emerged on the other side of the road, he stoutly refused to jump back into the crowds. i wonder why... :)

But i found it fun. I bought mochi mochi, ate ice popsicles, and saw the crazy austrian guy selling german sausages. And he was wearing chinese pigtails. hehehe...

i've only been to one house so far: my grandma's. as you can see, we're rather anti-social. and since my mum can't stand my grandma, we only stayed one hour. lol, some chinese new year eh? we've been playing mah jong for the rest of the time, so i can't really complain. A choice between being stuck in a house with people i see once a year, or playing mah jong. I think i'll take the latter.

Bugger it, i forgot to bring my camera to chinatown. so no photos people! will, update soon enough...

Gong Xi Gong Xi! Was at muthu's curry yesterday for dinner, and we had lo hei (yu sheng!). since it was an indian restuarant, the waiters weren't about the do the preperation for you. So i rolled up my sleeves and attempted to do it, chinese idioms and all. hahahah... if you know my grasp of the chinese language, you'll know that i wasn't very successful... hahhaha

I'm sulking

I'm sulking

I'm in a positively bratty and sulky mood. Don't ask me why; i'm not too sure what the trigger was even. All i do know is that, it's incredibly comforting to sulk sometimes and unleash the annoyance within me.

Stuck in Comms class now. Was really weirded out this morning; Teko Teoh (my comms prof) came up to me and asked me if i spoke malay. After overcoming the shock, he basically "wrestled" me into agreeing to sign up for his basic malay course next sem. he even told me to find a good partner cos we'd be conversing a lot in malay. yeah, whatever.

i'm having my FA test later. i think i'm absolutely allergic to FA. Every Sunday, whenever i'm stuck doing FA homework or studying for it, i would fall ill. very, very ill. Ill enough to require constant rest, constant eating and constant medication. Yeeuuggghss. My nose is raw from all the rubbing. Sigh. I am so gonna fail this test. I'm resigned to my fate.

Still feeling irritable. I want to go to Chinatown to soak up the atmosphere and get squashed. I want to be pressed against sweaty beasts (ie other shoppers) and feel disgusted. I have the weirdest wants, eh? I want to buy mochi mochi and eat ice popsicles and look at the er hu performer. hmmm, maybe i should whine the boyfriend into agreeing to go with me. then i would have a reason to pon Stats tomorrow. can't wake up to go back to sleep in class. hiak hiak.

The Sun is Slowly Emerging

The Sun Is Slowly Emerging

Lol, i think i worried a few people with the last entry. I'm fine now, really! But i suppose it was bound to happen, this sudden outburst of helplessness. Seeing how i took on so much responsibility at one time, the stress just kept building up. I cried for a while, but instead of feeling helpless and full of self-pity, i felt relief. The tears felt more like a release and was strangely comforting. I wasn't crying in despair; i was simply crying to remove certain craziness that i was feeling. And then i moved on. Sure, i still have lots to do and lots undone, but Shawn is right, i just need to prioritize. And i'm doing that now. Slowly working my way back to sanity.

Yesterday, i stayed in school till 8pm to collect a T-shirt that i bought during Patron's Day. I absolutely adore it! Certainly well worth the effort... Speaking of which, Aldric accompanied me till that time. He really is very, very nice and gentlemanly; never noticed till recently. He listens attentively even when i'm talking rot, opens doors without asking, went for dinner with me and bought me my drink while i waited for my food without me having to ask, agreed to accompany me till 8pm even though i only asked him in jest, and even volunteered to buy sweets when i started to cough after dinner. Very nice guy. guess chivalry isn't dead after all! lol, aiyah, yes Shawn, you are very nice too...

Take a look at my shirt! Yes, very vain, but i can't help it. It's ME....

Me wearing the shirt....

Me out of the shirt...

Close up shot!

I'm cracking up

I'm cracking up

I'm crumbling from within. I've made the mistake of attempting to do too many things and now i'm paying for it. I can't concentrate on any one thing for too long, and end up neglecting too many things in the process.

My commitment to Ventures sees me helping out with the campus cafe and Conclave; Volleyball has me helping out with Waikiki, and let's not forget about my school work, These, while trying to squeeze time to meet my friends and boyfriend.

I've totally messed up my comms presentation. things that were supposed to be done never got done. My team is now screwed up in the process, and all because i didn't send in the slides in time. How ironic, seeing that the presentation is about EQ. Sylvia had to cover my ass and do some slides for me.

Moreover, i see myself canceling meetings or walking out of them earlier to go for other meetings. Just the other day, i was at NUS with Mel but cut short halfway to rush back to school to help out with Waikiki. Then it turns out that they cancelled it cos of admin problems. -_-''' Later, i walked out of LTB meeting cos i had to go meet a couple of VCs, in the process also missing volleyball training. That was followed with a Conclave meeting, which i walked out of to go down to my LTB beneficiary.

I feel so lost and out of focus. My homework is piling up, i haven't studied for tests, and i snapped at Fadz yesterday, for being so indecisive, that i felt he was wasting my time. And this coming after not being able to see him for so long, after missing him so much, and then i have to go be so mean.

What am i supposed to do now? I know i will get through this, and emerge stronger (hopefully). But at what cost?

Cut Off My Nose

Cut Off My Nose

The flu is back with a vengence. My eyes are watering and my noise is so irritated i feel the urge to sneeze every 2 minutes. I'm experiencing chills and hot flashes alternately, and all this is happening during TWC class. Great.

The air-con is killing me and my noise, and yet i'm sweating cold sweat. My eyes looked like i've been punched, and i'm sooo miserable...

Bleah. And to think i still have project meetings, and various pressing Ventures events that i have to attend to. I think my body system is breaking down. Help!

TaufikTaufikTaufikTaufikTaufikTaufikTaufikTaufik

TaufikTaufikTaufikTaufikTaufikTaufikTaufikTaufikTaufikTaufik!!!!

Lol, the title says it all. Taufik was in SMU! and i was like less than 50m away from him!!! Those eyes! Those lips! That voice! Damn, but he was sexy!

TaufikTaufikTaufikTaufikTaufikTaufikTaufikTaufikTaufikTaufikTaufikTaufik!!!

I went absolutely ballistic when he appeared. It's been a long time since i last hollered my love and devotion to some stranger, but it was fun! i was screaming so loudly the guy in front of my went deaf! and i was jumping up and down and asking him to marry me! Hahaha, so much for dignified uni student.

TaufikTaufikTaufikTaufikTaufikTaufikTaufikTaufikTaufikTaufikTaufikTaufik!!!

A meeting with old friends

A meeting with old friends

I was absolutely bored stiff today. Bored enough to go around asking people to go out with me. If you know me, it doesn't happen often. Usually, i wait for people to ask me out, otherwise i'm stagnating at home. So when i do the asking, it's probably because i'm really desperate.

I first messaged Kristin, Shawn, Desheng and Sylvia. Kristin and Sylvia were holed up in school preparing for Patron's Day. sigh. Then Shawn had a previous appointment. But at least he declined my offer politely. And dear ol' Desheng. He was willing to go out with me, but since i don't know him well enough, i casually mentioned that it would only be me and him, ie it's kinda funny if only the two of us met up. He was sweet enough to go around asking other people, but no dice. Oh well, good friend, good friend.

Wallowing in self-pity, it dawned on me that i had a group of most dependable friends: my dear ol' KB gang. Called them up, and we were set to go out, albeit at Lot 1. It's been a long time since i last met them. It's incredibly comforting being around people whom you've known for so long; where it doesn't matter what you wear, what you say, cos they'll still love you.

Ate Sakae Sushi, and it was fun catching up. We then watched Shall We Dance. I love that we can be so spontaneous and know each other well enough that we can feel absolutely comfortable even though we're in a dark theatre not talking.

My dear KB gang, what will i do without you? Sigh, i've been known to neglect them once in a while, but when it comes down to the crunch, they're the same people who knew me when i was sobbing on their shoulders, or laughing most unladylike-ly.

Not Taken Seriously

Not Taken Seriously

It sucks when you're not taken seriously. It's even more bitter when you don't get any recognition. Let me explain my rage...

With regards to the varsity cafe that JS is proposing, i've tossed some ideas around. One of them (which i vehemently supported) was to become a cafe and events management entity. I spoke to JS about it, voiced my opinions, and he agreed. Few days later, he talks to Desai (faculty adviser) and the prof says the same thing. He then publicly announces the conversation that he had with Desai and credits all the ideas to him. End of story.

Next grouse: I suggested that it is most profitable to outsource the cafe to NYDC. It's a place that people can identify with, especially the younger crowd. Makes more sense than trying to hire the kitchen crew from scratch. I suggested NYDC. Any mention that i helped? No. I'm made out to seem as if i'm not doing anything, or perhaps i'm just riding on this project as a ghost helper.

It's aggrevating; really, it is. I so wanted to help, but JS always seems to dismiss my thoughts and ideas as if they didn't matter. Moreover, when i volunteer to go meet people with him, he tells me it doesn't matter and that i don't have to be there. Then he turns around and asks if there are people free to meet up. Aarghhhh....

It makes me sick to the stomach. I hate it when people don't take me seriously, especially when it comes to business. When i do speak, i mean what i say. So if you're asking for an opinion, you better shut up and listen. Otherwise, why would i even bother?

It's Time To Get Fat

It's Time To Get Fat

Spent the day at the boyfriend's house stuffing my face. Damn, but his mum cooks well. So in between the eating of really yummy Malay food, we made a run to the petrol kiosk for some Ben and Jerry's ice cream. Did i mention all the other junk food i consumed?

Oh god, i think i overcompensated the morning jog. See, exercise just makes you eat more. I go for a half hour jog, and end up eating twice as much. tsk tsk...

Spent the rest of the time there entertaining his crazy 5-year old cousin. that psycho kid is perpetual motion and a perv in the making. he kept grabbing everyone's crotch when faced with disagreement. hahaha...

down with a semi-flu now. can hardly breathe. i think the boyfriend passed it to me. Note to self: avoid tongue-hockey when a party is not well. Ahh, how sweet the suffering it....

Picture Time

Picture Time!

Yup, i've finally gotten my lazy ass going and have uploaded a couple of pictures. Urgh. i hate how i look in some of them.

Me with the girls of the office



New Year Celebration at East Coast with Paavo, Fadz and 12/02

My Finnish pal, Paavo. He likes stroking that grotty beard of his.

Moving on to more interesting things, i've bought all my CNY clothes and shoes! I'm in love with this shop in Holland V, it's called Inphinity. Bought most of the things from that shop.

ok, that's all for now... ciao!

Please Shoot Me

Please Shoot Me

I'm stuck in my FA class typing this. The prof is too much, way too much. He gives boring and monotony a new meaning. And the thing that takes the cake is that his powerpoint slides are from a cd that comes with the textbook. Like everyone says, he's the textbook come to life. Sigh.

I'm so bored. Am being dragged down to Yishun to check out the childcare centre for our LTB project. Sigh. Bloody Yishun. Godforsaken place. It's gonna take me forever to get home. Morever, i will have to jostle with the merciless going home crowd. I hate Mondays.

Had my comms individual presentation this morning. I don't think i did exceptionally well; my speech was peppered with occasional silence as i tried to scramble for my notes, all the while screaming "Shit! I'm screwed!" inside my heart. Sigh. But the Prof said i did okay. So well. At least sleeping late didn't go to waste.

Have another hour of FA to go through. The lesson is a snooze-fest. You see everyone's expression glazing over, or else no one is paying attention. Big surprise.

Bored

Bored

Aarrgggghhh. I'm bored stiff, and that's in addition to being stiff all over. Had volleyball training on Friday. I'm sooo out of shape it's sickening. I ache in so many places all i want to do is roll around on my bed and die. Haha, what a depressing thought. Went for dinner with my JC friends after training... went to Pizza Hut (again! went there with Syl, Kris and Ying Wen on Thursday!). I'm not gonna eat Pizza Hut for a long long time...

Went shopping with the boyfriend yesterday. Bought all my CNY clothes. Might post pictures if i have the energy, but it's just too much effort. haha, i'm such a lazy slob.....

Attempting to do homework now... i just CAN'T concentrate! What is wrong with me???? Hence this update, even though i have nothing interesting to report... Just trying to waste time. I'm in sooo much trouble... how the hell am i gonna get all the work done????

Watching the Singapore vs Indonesia match later at HOME. failed to get tickets due to procrastination. *pout* didn't get to go out due to homework commitments. yyeeeuugghsss..... someone kick me in the ass to start the motor!!!!!!!!

The Irony Spilleth Over

The Irony Spilleth Over

The greatest tragedy of my life has occurred; i've just been called a bimbo by a person who personifies himbo-ness and whose thoughts are never far from the next girl he can shag and dump. Mark called me a bimbo while we were having lunch, and he meant it. The knife has never dugged deeper into my heart.

I literally saw red when he dared to mouth the unholy word, made even unholier from that unclean mouth. I wanted to cause so much bodily hurt to him that Sylvia was alarmed. Of course, she was also amused, but alarmed nonetheless. All i could think of was, "How dare that himbo call ME a bimbo!? With what capacity is he fit to name and judge ME?" The sheer audacity of his language caused me to think of all the different ways i could dismember his huge, ugly chunk of humanity gone wrong.

Urgh. Sometimes, i wonder why i even bother. I was complaining to Aldric over msn and all he could do was snort and offer a bit of sympathy. Really. Definitely, some people have called me a bimbo before, but always in jest. (i hope) Unfortunately, coming from King Dickhead himself, the insult went much deeper. It practically hit me in the gut and bowled me over. Yes, i'm that offended. And to think that i have to deal with that creep who carries condoms in his wallet and puts pictures of women he surreptiously takes on his computer screen, for the rest of the semester. God bless my soul. (and brain from being close to a mindnumbingly-stupid jackass)

I'm sick, sick, sick

I'm sick, sick, sick

Aargh, someone save me. i came down with a mysterious illness on tuesday and i'm suffering it's after-effects.

it all began on tuesday morning, when my tummy started to feel weird during my stats class. maybe it was brought upon by the incessant droning of the prof, but whatever the case, i dashed to the toilet and crapped my life out.

i got progressively worse during the lesson, culminating in me dashing into a cab and heading straight for home. been alternatedly sleeping and having bouts of diarrhoea. urgh.

but the worse had yet to come. i puked at 4am this morning. i basically sat on the toilet floor, willing myself to heave something out, if only to make the bloatedness go away. i sure did heave after a while; but since all i had for that day was an apple, my stomach contracted severely before the little bits of apple came out. not nice at all.

have to go to school tomorrow. and then to work. not looking forward to it at all. i still feel incredibly weak, probably due to the lack of eating and all that shitting. urgh. but always be positive, hence the one bright spark of this whole fiasco is that i'm losing weight. hah.

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year

2004 ended on a sad note. the tsunamis created a lot of misery and suffering, and i can't help but feel guilty that i'm so unaffected by it all. however, 2005 is beginning with the world showing each other just what humanity is all about. that brings with it a spark of hope that maybe the world isn't that messed up and apathetic after all.

spent new year's eve with my jc classmates, fadz and paavo. weird combination eh? people i used to not know well, someone i barely even know, and the love of my life. it's interesting to see my ex-classmates again; we seem to have grown closer through the lack of contact. haha, like we seem to get along better from not seeing each other every day.

we spent the day playing frisbee, cycling (in the rain!) and just hanging out in edwin's 10-men tent. the rain dampened things a little, but nonetheless, it was pretty fun.

at 12 midnight, the ships docked in the bay of singapore lined up and fired their flares. the sky was alit with all the bright red flares, traditionally a signal for help. but that night, the flares seemed to symbol hope; hope that everything was going to be alright after all.

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas!

Merriest Christmas! I love the festive season! Yes, there is the tedious and seemingly endless gift-shopping and painful elbowing through the throngs of hundreds in Orchard, but i do think it's all worth it. hah. take that scrooge!

i spent christmas eve (and christmas morning) with Fadz at HangOut@Mt.Emily. It's this incredibly chic and secluded hotel in the middle of Little India that overlooks Mt. Emily Park. It's surrounded by landed property and is next to this deserted and incredibly spooky mansion that gives me the creeps. hohoho. But surprisingly, it was fully booked. Probably because it was featured in 8 days. and there were groups of people who went there for parties and countdowns.

but i digress. anyway, it was wonderful spending the night with fadz. we went for indian food at some little indian restaurant where we were made fun of by the waiter (hah, for once we were in a place where we were equally culturally-inept). we walked all the way to bugis before deciding that it would be more fun just spending time alone. so back to the hotel. haha, i wish i could do it more often.

we exchanged gifts at 12 midnight. i gave fadz part of his gift; the Undead VCD. yes, yes, i know, how sad and stupid a movie that is... but his look of incredulous and happiness made the embarrassment i suffered while purchasing it all worthwhile. i had to leave his 2nd present, the CD rack at home cos it was just impossible to bring there. fadz gave me this super cute GUESS? bag. oh man, it must have cost him quite a bit... but i love it to bits, and i love him to bits!

waiting for my dad to get home; haven't opened the presents from the folks yet... can't wait!!!

Merry Christmas! it's the season for lluuurrrvveeee!

I'm on a rage rampage

I'm On A Rage Rampage

Sigh, life can get so depressing. and that's really weird, considering how it's Christmas time and all. ok, this sudden bout of self-pity has been brought about due to me being 1) stuck being Geraldine's slave until the end of December; 2) I'm freaking damn broke; 3) Geraldine's fucked-up, racist comment.

But i'm most disturbed by her racist comment that all malays are good-for-nothings, including Fadzli. Just because she has encountered a few malays that don't turn up for appointments, she thinks that all malays do not know how to capture opportunities and are hence useless. and just because fadz went to RI and then AJC, that means that he is a good-for-nothing too for not fulfilling his potential. I was so, so mad. i wanted to hurl something at her and call her all sorts of mean things, that miserable spinster who doesn't even know what love is. all she does know is how to calculate a person's worth through her hard, cold, HR eyes. she doesn't see past academic worth because that's all she knows. what would she know about the intricacies of a relationship? who is she to comment about a person's worth? she, when she has so much more potential, chooses to stay in a dead-end job and entertainment a fucked-up boss when she could move on. again, how is she qualified to judge a person's worth?

sheesh, and she's always so self-righteous and constantly tries to fish for compliments and be told that she's needed. i mean, for someone so insecure, she sure has a lot of opinions about people. bah. i know i shouldn't be talking about my sister like this, but she can such a hypocrite. she can smile at you and ooze warmth, but underneath that facade, she's just a cold and cynical fake. bleah.

and i think back on all the times when she would nudge and "graciously" offer to treat me and Fadz to a meal. how's that for fakeness? if you really think that someone is not good enough, don't go the extra mile to make that person feel welcome. it's disgusting. even when it's your own sister.

what am i going to do? how can i stand being around someone like that?

and by the way, what difference does it make that someone is from RI or RGS? most of them end up in NUS anyway. hah.

Weeee... i'm back!

Weeee... I'm back!

My blog has been acting up. everytime i try to upload a new entry, it wouldn't work. let's hope this proves to be the exception i'm waiting for.

my, my, it almost seems like i've taken a hiatus from cronicling my notoriously boring life. unfortunately, life has taken a even more boring turn, and hence, in an attempt to cure me of some of this amassing boredom, i'm gonna write about it. hah.

so what's been up with me lately? nothing much. finished the Show Me The Money Bootcamp on Friday. And my team won! ok, not the original team, cos 2 members dropped out at the zenith minute. but then choon kiat jumped in and lo and behold, our crazy, last-minute presentation kicked the asses of the other contestants. it's moments like this that truly tests one's faith and endurence.

aside from the working aspect of my life, things have been.... very quiet. hung out with the boyfriend as usual. we are settling into a routine of monotone. sometimes, it gets so mundane i feel like wrapping my fingers around him and shaking him so hard until something happens. fat chance of that happening. anyway, we did cook dinner for the family. well, he cooked a lot of it. muahaha, a house husband anyone?

stalking sheena's blog sometimes gives me insight. strange as it may sound, i'm getting moments of wisdom from one of the most screwed up, fucked up (literally and figuratively) 19-year olds i know. when 2 people have been too long together, that comfort zone that inexplicably surrounds you makes you not see the need to put in effort. it's like, it doesn't matter how i look anymore. cos i have my guy. that's the logic. but that's terrible! i feel like i'm losing my sensuality and sexiness. muahaha, yes, i believe i did once posess those 2 traits, no matter in how small amounts. sigh, do i need to jump a random guy to put that spark back into me?

oh well, let's see how things go. maybe i'll just go buy sexy underwear and seduce the boyfriend. bugger it. assuming he doesn't fall asleep on my couch first.

It's All Over... Finally

It's All Over... Finally

Sigh, that's such a loaded title for this entry. Yes, my exams are finally over. They've actually been over since the 26th, but the horror was only partially over. I have received a couple of my results. B- for MA (damn that hwang...) and B+ for BGS (not great either). bah, such pathetic grades. really. but i guess i asked for it. it's not like i've been working damn hard or anything...

anyway, currently going through this business workshop in SMU. yes, i know, how pathetic... i'm in school for a WORKSHOP and it's the holidays... joanne joanne joanne... what are you thinking?

anyway, it's been a wakeup call. everyone wants to start a business, be their own boss, yada yada yada.... BUT, like everyone has been telling us, only 20% will make it. and even then, a lot of people will fail. yes, i know all this, i've heard it numerous times at other seminars and workshops. i've even managed to be optimistic in spite of that. but for some reason, it's really hitting home this time. cos we have to actually sit down and research, market and survey, and finally come up with a business plan. the real deal. and we're pitching our business to venture capitalists on friday. so yes, it's very real, and very practical.

at the same time, i may have great ideas, but until i implement them, they will always just be inside my head. and i'm not sure if i'm ready for all the sacrifices. i have no money, no contacts, no nothing. all i have are ideals and ideas. am i really willing to let my relationships with my family, friends and boyfriend slide just to make money? am i willing to take the step now, and go forth for my dreams, when i still have to consider my academic life which is in the pits?

arrgh, and mostly, whatever i think of, there will be people out there who have also thought of similar ideas and have the means to implement the idea. i guess it boils down to this question, "Just how hard am i willing to work?"

as many of you may know, i'm really a lazy shitass most of my time. i LOVE to just do nothing. so i guess daydreaming will always remain daydreaming.

my my, time and cynicism have finally set in. goodbye perky, optimistic me. hello cynical bitch. sigh.....

My Life- An Iraqi Warzone

My Life - An Iraqi Warzone

Sigh... i wonder how humans are supposed to handle all the curveballs thrown to them. i can't speak for everyone, but i'm an emotional basketcase; the slightest thing can make a extremely happy, or crazy with sorrow. sigh. and in less than 24 hours, my life was brighter than anything, before crashing into the darkest abyss. sigh...

last night, fadz came over to return the umbrellas he borrowed. that was his excuse anyway. and he told me that he was booking in at 10. so i figured he wasn't staying very long. turns out that was only an excuse so that he could see me. he came at about 9--ish, and laid on my bed (beside me) as i was frantically trying to study MA with Shawn through msn. he didn't bother me, nor did he really expect much attention. he just came to accompany me and offer me moral support. for 2 hours. awwww.... my heart was singing with joy and i was really touched by this gesture. this love that bound him to my side, doing nothing much besides looking at the ceiling or my back.... knowing his warm presence was just a touch away... sigh.... i adore that fella.

but... as usual... all good things must be balanced out by negative elements. that's just the way life works. balance. to some extent, i've come to terms with it. so anyway, my MA exam was today. couldn't do the freaking paper. yup. i'm quite sure that i would fail. so that would mean that my overall grade is going ddoooowwwwnnn.... like some bad horror movie, i see my grade sliding towards the darkness, the danger, and yet, im paralysed with fear (or ignorance in this case), helpless to stop it. bah.

a while back, there was this report in the Straits Times about blogging. it made the comment that a lot of teens use the blog to write down this angst. teenage angst to be precise. i dunno if i'm still considered a teenager, but i sure know i have a lot of angst. when will i grow out of it??? when will i become cynical, jaded and too cool to be happy or miserable? haha, i don't see it ever happening.

I Have A Soft Spot for Little Boys

I Have A Soft Spot for Little Boys

Haha, little boys below the age of 9 beware: i may just sneak up behind you and hug your cute little tummy! frightened yet?

really, i think i have a thing for little boys, they are just so yummily, deliciously cute! Take Fadz's cousin, who's this little terror at age 5, but soooo adorable. he's always up to no good, incredibly mischeivous, but when he realizes that he has done something bad, he would turn on you with this amazingly cheeky grin. and my heart melts everytime.

when i went over for the Hari Raya celebration, as usual, he was creating havoc by running around nonstop. do you know that little boys smell of talcum powder? and their cheeks are incredibly smooth and soft? i couldn't resist, as a parting shot, scooping him into my arms and kissing his tiny cheek. muahaha, i sound like some pheodophilic maniac.

and today, on the bus home, i sat next to this tiny little boy, probably around 8. well, he was small for his age anyway. so yeah, he was exhuasted and fall asleep on my shoulder. instead of shrugging him off as i usually do with strangers, i allowed him to rest his weary head on my shoulders. when the bus hurtled over a pothole or something, he was jolted awake, and realized that he was sleeping on some stranger's shoulder. he then gave me this adorable sheepish grin and went back to sleep, leaning the other way. awwww......

okok, enough self-indulgence in little boys. oh man, that came out totally wrong... haha....

Some Sun After The Rain

Some Sun After the Rain

when men say that women change quickly, they have absolutely no idea at all....

after my last angst-filled entry, i evidently wasn't in a great mood. the great emotional well-up exploded into 10 minutes of frustrated tears, before i gathered my last semblance of happiness and joined the sister and mum for a buffet (again!) dinner at pheonix hotel. food wasn't too bad; overloaded on carbo. but after that, we went for a ktv session. haha, i know i know, i think i'm hooked, as long as i'm not the one paying. muahaha.

so 4 hours of non-stop singing; some good, some really bad. it was... fun. and so the last vestiges of frustration, anger and hurt blew away as i crooned to the sweet tunes of jay chou.

woke up in a semi-funk this morning. still not happy. in fact, as li wern later commented, i was in a grouchy, mean and bitchy mood. ah, what an accurate assessment. anyway, met the girls (li wern and pris... those freeloaders! hah!) at westmall before we all trudged down to the boyfriend's house. quite weird actually, that i was going to celebrate hari raya at his house when i was still kinda pissed at him.

unfortunately, the stupid boy forgot to inform me that at the chosen hour (1pm) the family was engaging in the traditional ritual of forgiveness. so there we were, slightly abashed for having intruded on such an intimate moment. which was spoiled when his stupid cousin attempted to ask for forgiveness from me so as to elicit an ang bow. moron. haha.

oh yeah, and i tried doing the whole kissy-hand thing with his uncle and grandma. weird moment, really weird. in fact, so weird they were taken aback. i love to stun people.

fast forward, fadz and i are cool now. i think we made up when i broke his mum's glass while attempting to do the dishes. sigh. isn't love grand?

The Stars Are Shifting

The Stars Are Shifting

Things haven't been great with the boyfriend lately. He's become kinda aloof and distant. i also find it incredibly strange that while he faithfully calls me every night when he's in camp, he doesn't bother to contact me when he comes out. not all the time, but at least enough times to make me feel uneasy. is the *gasp* end near?

i feel so terribly tired these days, both physically and emotionally. there are so many things happening in my life now, and yet, when i need him the most, he doesn't seem to be there for me. i swore to myself that i would never become a clingy girlfriend, the kind who needs her boyfriend to be around 24/7, but maybe that's just the kind of girl i really am. it's depressing to try to contact your boyfriend, send smses, and he doesn't reply. why? i have no idea.

on a slightly happier note, volleyball training yesterday was great. i got some of my form back. i was hitting the ball and scoring points. now i just need to train up my arm muscles again to really put power and spin behind the attack. happy happy! and pei jun even commented that i should be an attacker, and not languish behind as the libero, cos it's a waste of talent. muahahaha.. that really made my day. well, at least before i tried to sms fadz once last time and he didn't bother to reply.

just the other day, i called shawn sad for trying to hard to chase a girl who isn't showing interest. maybe in reality, i'm the truly sad one. seems like i'm stuck in a relationship that has no future, and the present just seems so murky.

Weird Moment

Weird Moment

My Dad was in my room fixing my leaky air-con yesterday. after cleaning it and banging around, he got it up and running. he then switched on my tv. suddenly, he yelled for me to turn on the tv in the living room (where i was lounging around reading 8-days leisurely). lo and behold, it was this daytime program discussing about inter-racial marriages. muahaha. was that weird or what?

so anyway, this chinese girl married this malay guy. and my dad made a note to ask me to watch it. is he trying to tell me something? and in it, the girl's parents were moaning about how during the wedding ceremony, she didn't want the guests to drink alcohol cos it's against the muslim culture. and the parents were very, very upset. so upset they spent 20 minutes discussing about this. on national tv. again, is my dad trying to hint something?

after all this time, my parents (ok, my mum) have shown some concern about my relationship with fadz. sure, there has been the disapproval and sadness. but my dad has never showed any such signs. so what's up with the sudden interest in an unbeknown marriage?

muahaha. marrying fadz. something i've thought about, but never really considered the consequences. somehow, it's always been something i've conveniently glossed over. i'm like that sometimes. would i alienate my parents? probably. but i guess my sisters will be cool. they're hardly the kind to get upset over such things.

lol, i just hope my wedding guests aren't expecting alcohol.

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Love

Love

Sometimes, i wonder why people want to fall in love. Sure, coming from a great relationship, it's great support and the feeling is amazing. But there's always so much pain in the process. Even when things go well, it's inevitable that once in a while there will be slip-ups, or misunderstandings.

i find that people are willing to go through this personality transformation just to please their partner. even i am guilty of it. maybe become a little more dependent, a little more emotional. but what i find truly amazing is how some women (and men) are willing to turn themselves inside out just to be the person their partner wants them to be.

seriously, from talking to friends, reading blogs, the amount of abuse people are willing to take just to risk a relationship is amazing. i've seen emotional abuse, masses of jealousy suppressed, trying to be someone you are not, trying to be older than you really are... why? why are people always ready to change into someone they are not?

and it gets worse. what happens when you don't even get to the stage of having a relationship? you are just stuck in the transitional stage, willing the other person to like you, even when bold hints are given that the interest isn't there. is that annoying persistence or true commitment? it's quite hard to tell. i guess you have to be in the situation before you can make such a judgement.

oh well. enough over-analyzing. have to get back to work. yay! going to fadz's house for Hari Raya! can't wait to taste his mum's cooking! and i get to catch up with the girls. cool! can't wait for the weekend!

Alone

Alone

I have my moods. Sometimes, i can feel absolutely lonely in a room full of people that i know. it's like, everyone has an agenda, everyone has a plan, and they are constantly undertaking such plans. maybe it's with someone else, maybe it's alone. but me, i just feel alone. i don't feel included in activities, i don't feel like i have a game plan. sometimes, it just feels like im drifting along in life, waiting for the next spontaneous event to occur so that i can be pulled along. siggghhh...

The Worst Week of my Life (almost)

The Worst Week of my Life

Oh man! can life get any worse??!!! I woke up late this morning, at 8, for my 830 class. brilliant. so it was rush rush rush, all the way, only to be stuck at home cos i couldn't get a cab. for all the hype about more cabs in singapore, and more convenience for singaporeans... that's all a bunch of bullshit as far as im concerned. when you need one, you still can't find one. sheesh.

at 830, the Silvercab finally deemed us worthy of sending a cab over. however, the stupid operator heard "336" instead of "366". so the cab was late. and then, he couldn't find the carpark entrance. tick-tock... a couple more minutes gone.

so anyway, we were chugging along the road, and at the bukit timah plaza area, i made a grave error. i directed the cab down the highway, which means it goes to SIM, not SMU. the sad thing is, this was the errorneous way that another cab driver took just on tuesday! how could i have made the same error!!! twice in the same week? that's just too much. a long story short, he had to go all the way to tanglin, and then cut through the botanical gardens to get to SMU.

my life sucks. for all the people out there complaining about how bad life is, (except those who live in starvation, poverty, someone dear died, etc) i think my life ranks pretty high on the stink-o-meter. really, it's weeks like this that makes even the most optimistic person feel like banging her head against a wall. sigghh... and there's still 3 more days....

The Consequence of Overindulgence

The Consequence of Overindulgence

Wow, it's been a whirlwind of socializing this past 2 days. yesterday, i attended an event for entreprenuership, the Ernst and Young Entreprenuer Awards, held at the Shangri-La Hotel. Stated that it was a black tie event. You can imagine my palpable excitement! how many chances does one get to dress up and mingle with the upperclass of Singapore right?

So in my typical vain manner, i had to look perfect. Oh yeah, the night before the event, i discovered that my beautifully elegant Charles and Keith shoes were stolen! i was hopping with rage and cursed my unknown nemesis. So anyway, fast forward a day, i had to leave school early to get shoes, a manicure and get my hair washed and blown. the lost shoes were only the beginning of my bad luck. i had to take a cab to plaza singapura cos it was raining like crazily, my cabbie, of course, turned out to be a cheater and took the long way. i couldn't find a decent (and cheap) pair of formal shoes! except for a DMK pair, which at $46, is overpriced, considering its shoddy workmanship. so i was running late and i panicked through my manicure. moreover, the stupid manicurist punctured my skin by cutting my cuticles too deep and i bled! arrgh, i hope my finger doesn't get infected!

on my way home, i took the train. but i discovered that i forgot to bring my ex-link card! and since the transit office is located inside (stupid mrt people) and i had no change, i sneaked in without paying by following closely behind a fellow passenger... hahaha... had to do the same thing to get out.

so anyway, i went to do my hair, and it was raining heavily when i left. you can imagine the havoc it wrecked on my hair. and since i had to bathe, the shower cap didn't help much. sigh...

the food at Shangri-La was disappointing. shall not go into details. incredibly long entry already. anyway, was stuck between some guy from ernst and young and some nus guy. oh well... and guess what? i think i overindulged in too much wine. champagne and red wine... muahaha...

hmm, and today, i had to rush to school in a cab, cos i was running late from doing last minute touch-ups to my AS homework. and the stupid cab driver took me to SIM instead of SMU. at least he had the decency to charge me less. and today culminated in a so-so buffet dinner at Traders Hotel.

so you see, all my bad luck may be due to my eventual overeating. it's like penance or something. or did i forget and pee on an altar???