Day 2 - And Counting

Ladida... Not much work again. Finished up what I had to do like an hour ago.. Have been aimlessly surfing the net and checking mail. My boss has just left for a staff sharing session. I guess they have a lot of problems to share here, eh? There's even a chalet... so cute! It's like bonding, at the next level. So now I'm left in the office with this other temp girl... I suspect that she's not really doing her work either. Every few seconds giggles will emit from her. Must be msn-ing... haha...

It's my 35 months anniversary with Fadz today. I can't believe that we've been a couple for almost 3 years! Just the other day, I was suddenly overwhelmed with the thought that if I ever broke up with Fadz, I can no longer stay in Singapore. Everything will truly remind me of him. The public transport, the shopping centres, the theatres, even the streets, wil evoke certain memories of him. Even my house wouldn't be safe. I think if that day ever comes, I will be a living wreck. It's too scary to even imagine. *shudder*

Which brings me to this point, is monogamy really all that good? Sure, it's nice to share your life with that one special person and feel like you're cherished and all. But what happens when it's all over? What happens when this special someone is no longer there for you, no longer a part of you? Is it worth all the agony that you might possibly be putting yourself through? When I almost broke up with Fadz 2 fateful years ago, I felt like dying. Going to school, seeing him and yet not being able to talk to him.. it was hell lah. I thought that I was going to collapse under the tears and misery, and I couldn't stop crying, even during flag-raising. It was truly mortifying and yet a great realization of how important Fadz is to me. Sigh..

Anyway, that is all thankfully in the past. I'm just glad that despite the occasionally quarrels, the sometimes temper clashes, we've pulled through.

Besides, i don't think I can ever find another man who can love me to such depth, who can tolerant all my foolishness and yet recognize my intellect. Someone who is so mild-mannered yet passionate about things that matter to him. Someone who is so comfortable in his own skin that even when his stupid friends make fun of him and say that I wear the pants in this relationship, we both know that he's really the man and that I cannot lord over him if he chooses so. I would hate to date a man who is constantly questioning his status or superiority in a relationship, or needs to feel like he has all the power.

I know I'm gushing, but it's my blog and so there. Beat it if you don't want to read another soliloquie. Hahaha... But I'm relieved that Fadz doesn't read this blog, otherwise he will remember all this and use it against me in the future. Hehehehe.

Monday Bluessss...

Just started work at Republic Poly today. I'm afraid that my "subject to extension" clause in the contract will most likely NOT come to fruition. My being there for the week is only for the preparation of their award ceremony this Saturday. I guess after that I can vamooose. Whatever...

Oh yeah, before you think I'm slacking off, think again. I'm actually following my boss's orders. He kept emphasizing that if I ever feel bored, I can surf the Net or use MSN. Yeah, he repeated that 3 times during the half-hour he spoke to me. So you see, I'm being a good employee and following orders. Hah.

Right, back to this morning. It was raining like mad and I was half-contemplating not showing up. Not seriously, anyway. RP is damn tamade ulu. Moreover, the stupid bus took forever to arrive, and when it did, I couldn't get on because all the stupid and gross students charged forward onto the already crowded bus, leaving me in the cold (and rain).

I then overheard someone say that they were going to walk to school. Which school? Hoping that my hunch was correct, I recklessly set out for RP, with no idea where it was exactly. I basically just followed a bunch of youngish-looking teenagers who were not in school uniform. Erm, that's about as scientific or professional my directional sense is.

i was late for work, but thankfully, my boss was even lately. Hur hur hur. :)

I'm currently stuck in the freaking cold school library, supposedly typing out all the certificates for the ceremony. Guess I'm not too productive eh? But it's hard to be productive when I was first greeted by a nasty mosquito glutted on blood, noisy RP students who talk loudly (stupid China Man), bring food in, and play the guitar, all the in supposed hallow halls of the library. I want to kill all of them so badly, stupid stupid idiots. Sheesh. I need to work on my tolerance.

Oh yeah, yesterday was great fun though. I went to the OmniMax Theatre! I can't remember the last time I was there, but I sure was one heck of an excited! Unfortunately, the people who go to the OmniMax are either a) Children b) Families c) Old Couples. Fadz asked me which category we belonged in. Not exactly pleasant choices... I think our cool factor just dropped a notch.

We watched The Mystery of the Nile. It renacts the ardrous journey of a bunch of crazy ang mohs who try to travel the entire Nile, from source to end, using 2 flimsy rubber rafts. The ang mohs are really nutso. But the sights of Ethiopia, Sudan and Egpyt were exquisite. From ancient Christian churches carved out of the earth in Ethiopia, to the sandy dunes of Sudan, and not forgetting commercialized Egpyt, it was simply spectacular to view the changing environments in wide screen. To be able to see all the different cultures that exist along the Nile, and also the trials and tribulations of the explorers... it was $6 well-spent. I so have to go there again! And I recommend that you all go too!

Sigh, I guess I should go back to work. Totally not in the mood for it. Oh well, half-an-hour more to lunch. Au Voir!

Stagnating... Rotting... And Everything In Between

(Disclaimer: Caution! Blog ahead consists of random ramblings!)

I'm becoming a boring old fart. Urrgghhh.

I feel so unsociable lately. I didn't go for the KL trip, I didn't go for the farewell party at school, and I'm not meeting up with the people for dinner tonight. Why, why why?

Partly due to the serious lack of funds (cue: read last entry), but also because I think I've fallen into this isolation routine.

I'm holed up in my room in front of the laptop every day, the lights are off and I'm turning mildly hermitic. I'm reading all day, thrown in with some trashy tv and late night Net surfing. That pretty much sums up my days.

Help! I refuse to become this antisocial bug! Not with so much work ahead! But I just can't seem to drag my body up and go out. No offense to anyone, but nothing seems to be worth the trouble to put on makeup, make myself presentable, and go out to talk and have fun with people. I can't, I just can't.

LOL, the only times I'm going out of the house, it seems, is for official business. Went to the super, ultra posh Kopotiam (not the food court, but a restuarant serving ridiculously expensive hawker fare) at Swissotel to meet up with the OCBC people. I felt so inadequate and was unable to contribute much to the conversation, and I suppose that stems from me not freaking talking to anyone in a long time! Hahahahahha! Anyway, I hope that Gan woman doesn't change her mind and regret choosing me. WHATEVER.

Joel, Susmit and I then proceeded to Pacific Coffee at CitiLink Mall where we had a 2 hour discussion about life, logic, truth, and belief. It was actually fun! Me, the uber-feminist, Susmit, the uber-chauvinist piggy, and Joel, the mild-mannered, holier-than-thou Christian trying to convince each other what truth and logic is. Haha, so fun! And we were arguing and talking so loudly that people kept staring at us. Once again, WHATEVER.

I think I'm blogging excessively. Oh yeah, because I have no life.. Sigh.. Somebody save me!!!!!

Yes, I am a boring old fart. Now that Li Wern has flown off to Sydney for an entire freaking month, who is left in Singapore to corrupt me and teach me the wrong things in life?

Maybe I should make friends with a nun and run off to join a... nunnery! I keep telling everyone that I might one day pack up and swear celibracy for life, but no one seems to believe me. Hmmm....

Who will come and sweep me off my feet and infuse life into this dead body once again?

What was I thinking???

Alamak, I've gone and done it! I'm such an idiot! Regret.... (Not really)

Yesterday, I decided it was high time that I start pampering myself and living life right. Screw the money issues. Screw the holiday plans. I'm turning the big 20 and I better look great for it.

So what did I do? I closed my eyes and signed away $400 on a facial package. Yup, my holiday money, money that I've squeezed tears and blood out for (ok, I worked for it) , gone in 2 seconds.

I know $400 is not a lot to some of you, but to me, it was a BIG, BIG ouch. To think that I was too cheap to buy an IPOD. But now, it's all gone... gone...

But I love having facials. Everyone should go for facials. Even though my forehead looks like it has been attacked by mosquitoes, and the procedure to get out my pimples was damn fucking painful, I still loved every minute of it! To be pampered, and have mysterious things applied to my face... To have hot and cold mist gently sprayed onto my cheeks. I was acting damn excited can! So uncool right? But for a moment I almost felt like a tai-tai. Ahh... to enjoy life and be totally carefree.. hehehe...

Anywayz, I think my recklessness was partly due to me finally getting a job! Hallelujah! Ok, it's nothing great, in fact it's kinda stupid. RecruitExpress finally decided that I was worthy and granted me a 1 week job doing admin at Republic Poly. 1 freaking week, you say? Yeah, yeah, I know. But it's subject to extension, so fingers crossed.

LOL, i know that it doesn't really justify me spending that money on facials, but I was like, heck it. It's time for some celebration baby!

Fadz is going to jump through the roof. It's not his money, but in the future it might be. And we all know what a cheapskate he is. So let's just keep it a secret for now... Shhhh...

I'm Growing Old!!

Oh gosh, my age is really catching up with me and I'm only just realizing it! I'm almost 20! How can this be? Where did all those years go?

Lol, but I do love birthdays. It's the one day I can unabashedly celebrate being alive and being me. I love it.

Anyway, back to the griping. Had volleyball training yesterday and I'm feeling the full blow of it today. Don't know if it's due to poor stretching, or that I'm really old, but halfway through training, I did something I've never done before: I stopped. For some reason, my hamstring muscle pulled a little too tight and I got concerned. It's not that I've never experienced pain before, but not this pain. I couldn't stand. I was squatting down to receive the ball and I couldn't get up. My legs lost all sensation and my thigh was screaming murder. Uggh. And today, I can't walk down stairs properly, or bend my legs. Hallelujah...

But I gained a newfound respect for my volleyball mates. Also in pain, they continued with training. Moreover, their dedication and determination to do well in the sport is something to be mimicked and done. I felt ashamed for my uselessness, but I will be better. I will not let them down.

Can't say the same thing for Ventures. Racist remark alert! My growing annoyance, borderline hatred, for India Indians is expanding out of control. They're useless, talk big and think too highly of themselves. Bunch of suckups, crappers and all-around jerks. I feel the creeps around them. Uggh.

Oh yeah, don't think I'm gonna get the job. Turns out they need someone with HR experience. Back to square one. haiz..

The Show Must Go On

The show here, of course, is referring to my life. One big theatre; one neverending, melodramatic, rollercoaster production starring me, me, me. Haha, that sounds so egotistic! Oh well...

My life is regaining some semblance of normalcy. Those of you who are in the know would have seen me waste a month of my life doing absolutely nothing. No job, no school activities. My life this past month revolved around the computer, my family, friends and boyfriend. During this one month, I comforted myself by saying that this lack of activity was actually a good opportunity to recuperate and recharge my drained batteries.

Yes, I'm finally fully charged and roaring to go. Inactivity can wait. Now, let me march forward and burn this excess fat/energy!

Thankfully, my results are a comforting sight and I have no more worries on that front for now.

I've just been confirmed to take up a project with OCBC and I'm so excited! My hopes kind of died when I went for the interview, but apparently, I did ok! I'm in! I can't wait to get my hands into that start-up.

RecruitExpress called me this morning. They want me to go down for a job interview. No matter the outcome, I think that was the call that really propelled me out of my lethargy. For the past two weeks, I've been sending out resumes by the batches and received no reply. My moral was down, my finances was screaming red, and I was close to misery. No shopping, no extravagant meals, no luxury, no squat. I was living the life of a hermit and borrowed money. So seriously, even if I don't get the job, at least it helped to push me into action. Thank you thank you thank you.

And I just cleaned up my room! Such an achievement, and my fengshui has improved, I swear! The air is clearer, the room is bigger, and I'm happy! I hate cleaning my room, much less throwing away things. But I did. I put my foot down and threw away things dated circa 1999. Yup, notes and papers from my secondary school days. Whheeee... All down the chute. No more clutter. Hmm, maybe I should throw away everything and go for the totally Zen (ie bare) look! Lol, NO! As If!

Alrighty, have volleyball training later. I've been avoiding training cos I feel so fat and lazy. Even if it kills me, I'm going for training. Got to go get toned!

Still Broke, Stille Aimless

Help help help! I'm still unemployed and wasting my life away doing zilch. Sigh, I must have bombarded recruitment agencies with my resumes, but still no reply. Bugger it.

Anyway, moving on. Had a sleepover at Mei Bao's house on Wednesday. It was the hottest sleepover I ever had! Okay, that's rather misleading... I meant it in the "temperature" sense. Her freaking air-con was down and we had to rely on the freaking fan.

Now, if you know me well enough, you should know that i'm incredibly prissy and would rather die than live without air-con. Fadz keeps reminding me that he is going to be poor for the rest of his life and we will have no air-con in our future home. Yeah right. I'll pay for it darling, just that you won't get to sleep in the same room. Hahaha!

Right, back to the sleepover. We whiled away the evening playing mahjong, but we didn't last long. Mei Bao has really idiotic neighbours who would complain if they hear the sound of clashing tiles. So we had to close the door and shut the windows. Ye Gads, it was a freaking sauna! Imagine a stuffy room with only a fan for ventilation... I was sweating and gasping for fresh air. Yup, our mahjong session ended real quickly. Anyway, Mei Bao was getting kinda high cos instead of playing for money, the loser of each round had to drink wine. Make that, cheapo, gross wine. And before that, we indulged in gross Choya plum wine. It's gross, but with high alcohol content (15%!) it's a quick fix to getting high.

So what did we do for entertainment then? At 2.30 in the morning, Pei Won and I goaded Mei Bao and Jing Yi into playing the Crimson Room. Have you guys tried it before? It's aggrevating when you have your wits about it. It's a downright bitch when you are struggling to keep your eyes open. So through much cursing, smug superior airs from Pei Won and I (we've both played it before) and much tsk tsk-ing and hahas, they reached the near end. But the program cocked up even though they did all the right steps. The stupid game refused to let them win. Thank goodness they didn't have a heart attack.

At 3 in the morning, they proceeded to the Viridian Room. Big mistake. We couldn't sleep until they solved it. Imagine me and Pei Won lying on the ground whining for them to hurry up.

What an exciting night right? It's hard to imagine that we've been friends for 8 years. I can't wait for the day when we've been friends for 20 years. I think we might just kill each other for whining too much.

Your Seduction Style: The Charmer

You're a master at intimate conversation and verbal enticement. You seduce with words, by getting people to open up to you. By establishing this deep connection quickly, people feel under your power. And then you've got them exactly where you want them!

What Is Your Seduction Style?

Hehe, i think i know a lot of people who would say that i'm just a trash talker. In defense, let me just say... As if i'm flirting with you! When i want to be seductive you wouldn't know what hit you!

Ok, i'm done. Back to being sweet old me. Hah.

Stupid kite and fireworks

Spent an idyllic day at Marina Bay with Fadz on Sunday. I had been pestering him to take me kite flying and since it was a long weekend, he finally decided to keep his promise.

Now, my past notions of kite flying were that of carefree kites floating carelessly and freely in the sky; me holding the kite serenely while Fadz holds me and smiles. Bullshit. I can now safely assure all of you that kite flying is not very romantic, requires a lot of yanking, pulling, running and screaming around. And a lot of old men do it. Hmmm... It brought to mind the phrase "go fly kite". Lol, only now do I fully comprehend the sexual connotation behind that phrase. Please don't ask me to explain. *blush*

Anyway, our first few gazillion attempts to get the kite up failed miserably. I stubbornly clung on to my belief that my method was correct (clearly wrong) while he persistently tried different methods, albeit they all failed. However, what was glaringly obvious was that we both weren't cooperating and neither wanted to admit that he had failed. It reached the point where we were glaring at each other and speaking in clipped tones. Note to all: if your relationship isn't very stable, please don't go kite flying. You might end up killing each other. I would know. I was plotting his demise in my mind for being such a haughty, stubborn, pain-in-the-ass donkey.

And then it rained.

So that put a halt to our kite flying experiment and we ran for the sheltered haven of the bowling alley. We really are urban wussies. Played 2 games of bowling, and unfortunately, I lost both times. Now, please don't ever be deceived by that seemingly serene and calm facade that Fadz has on. He really is very competitive when he wants to be. He kept rubbing in my face that I a) was losing b) haven't beat him in a long time and c) couldn't keep calm in the face of adversity. Rub rub rub. Nga nga nga. Wanted to punch him so badly.

And we are supposed to be this sweet, old couple who gets on perfectly? Yeah right. Haha.

But I did whoop his ass in the arcade. So there. (Fadz - 1, Joanne - 1. Ding Ding Ding! Round 3, start!)

We then proceeded to give the old kite another attempt. By this time, I was convinced that our stupid Tweety kite was jinxed and would never know the clear blue skies. At least it proved us wrong in the end. We chose a more auspicious spot, ie a place closer to the sea so that there was more wind, and took turns trying to get the stupid kite up. Before long, we were at each other's throats again; he telling me that my method wouldn't work, and me telling him that he was exactly successful either. Sigh, how sweet right?

And when I was cut by some errant string in the grass, all he could say was, "Not painful right? Don't you always say that women have a higher threshold of tolerance for pain?" Idiot. It doesn't matter how small the cut is, or how much pain we can tolerate. It all boils down to that fact that at the end of the day, we just want our man to show concern and coo over us like we were some delicate female, no matter how different we may really be. Bugger it.

But after the requisite sacrificial of blood, the kite-flying gods were appeased and with our powers combined, Tweety finally got off the ground and above the treetops. Yay! Victory!

And then it started to rain. sssiiiigggghhhhhhhh...

Tweety dropped like a dead log and fluttered onto a tree, wrapping its tail around a branch. Tugging match ensued. Fadz leaped onto the tree and started shaking the branch like mad. Crowd gathered to watch. We threw twigs and logs and whatever was available at the kite. The tree fought valiantly to claim the prize. We tired it out. And finally, it gave up the good fight. Tweety was returned to us.

After all that effort, I had to go do a really stupid thing. We got a plastic bag to put the kite in and I threw my bag into the plastic bag, causing the sticks that hold the kite together to snap. I'm surprised that Fadz didn't go into a seizure. :)

We ended that exciting day with a pig-out steamboat/bbq buffet. I made Fadz eat until his stomach expanded and he almost puked. And then we received a nice surprise. Suddenly, the sky lit up with dazzling fireworks that lasted for 5 glorious minutes to celebrate Labour Day, and we had almost front row seats. Yellow, orange, green, pink and purple. It was so beautiful.

And as we held hands watching that spectacle, I knew that everything was great. Even the stupid squabbles were great. Because I have someone beside me to share it all.

Who's That???

Went KTV-ing with Mei Bao and Pei Wen today. Damn fun sia! But the realization that my voice is gone... sniff sniff.. is such a terrible let down.. Ahh, how i rue those days when i was overly enthusiastic about cheering (in stupid council and volleyball!) and thus destroyed my voice in the process... oh well...

We K-ed for 5 hours nonstop. Ye gads, it reached the point where we ran out of modern songs to sing and had to revert to the good old oldies. Think Emil Chau and Zhang Xing Zhe. *shudder* But it was fun... like bringing back the memories of a bittersweet childhood.

Anyway, the KB gang dropped a bomb on me today. They finally admitted to reading my blog. You see, I have given them the link before, but i never knew they read this blog. Coupled with the sudden tagboard messages left by people i haven't contacted in ages, i think i'm suffering from blog-paranoia. Even Sylvia Huang has tuned in to my blog one sunny afternoon.


Talk about irony. Here all along, i was feeling smug and safe in my blog stalking mode, thinking that people wouldn't know i flitted in and out, reading their most personal thoughts. Well, haha, the joke's on me. People are blog stalking me too! Haha.. (Maybe i should start wearing wigs and big sunglasses to hide my identity ala Julia Roberts... hmmm)

And what is the point of this entry? Nothing much actually. I just like to share my random thoughts with the world. Yes, i'm an exhibitionist. Sue me. *kiss kiss*

And I'm going for a job interview tomorrow with Pei Wen and Mei Bao!! It's really happening! I can no longer slack at home.. how tragic....

Note to self: Stop using the real names of people i know in my blog. Hahaha.. aiyah, actually, you all don't mind right? Gaining semi-celebrity status to an audience of... 20???

Your dating personality profile: Funny - You laugh often. People never accuse you of lacking a sense of humor. You don't take yourself too seriously. Stylish - You do not lack for fashion sense. Style matters. You wouldn't want to be seen with someone who doesn't care about his appearance. Big-Hearted - You are a kind and caring person. Your warmth is inviting, and your heart is a wellspring of love.

Your date match profile: Funny - You consider a good sense of humor a major necessity in a date. If his jokes make you laugh, he has won your heart. Shy - You are put off by people who are open books. You are drawn to someone who is a bit more mysterious. You want to draw him out of his shell and get to know what he is all about. Romantic - You need someone with a traditional understanding of romance. A true romantic is a must-have in any potential date.

Your Top Ten Traits 1. Funny 2. Stylish 3. Big-Hearted 4. Romantic 5. Adventurous 6. Intellectual 7. Athletic 8. Liberal 9. Sensual 10. Wealthy/Ambitious

Your Top Ten Match Traits 1. Funny 2. Shy 3. Romantic 4. Adventurous 5. Wealthy/Ambitious 6. Stylish 7. Conservative 8. Intellectual 9. Big-Hearted 10. Sensual

Take the Online Dating Profile Quiz at Dating Diversions

Sensuality ranks so lowly? That's bullshit! LOL, other than that.. yeah, bring on the funny man! Funny, shy and romantic? Guess that sorts of describes Fadz.. dunno bout the romantic part though.. hehehe.

Chalet Baby!!!

Whhheeeeeee... Our LTB chalet just ended. All we did was eat, sleep and eat some more! The slackest, most aimless chalet i've ever been to! Haha... we stuffed ourselves so badly I felt like puking towards the end. Terrible right? And for the record, York, Aldric, Christina and I are the most hardcore chalet people. We stayed throughout the entire 4 days. Haha!

Hmm, I can't really provide a description of the chalet because we really didn't do anything! errrmm... oh yeah, we got ourselves pissed and high. The guys did, anyway. Lol, who would have thought that a couple of drinks could bring out a giggly Christopher, a violent Aldric and a turtle-like dancing Frank? By the last i mean that Frank was kinda high and at one point, he laid on his back, grabbed his feet and proceeded to spin around. It was hilarious. :)

I think i spent a lot of time talking to Aldric. That is one troubled boy. Sigh, 'nuff said. I just wish that i could help him.

And there was mahjong! Lost to Chris but wiped out Aldric. That boy really shouldn't gamble. Now he owes me so much money. Haizzzz....

From a third party's point of view, this must all sound terribly dull. But i think it was a glorious way to end an extremely stressed semester with the most chilled out chalet. If we relaxed anymore we might have melted into the floor. I'd be pretty damned if anyone is still feeling high strung. So really, it was fun! I recommend that people should get away every once in a while and do absolutely nothing! You'd be surprised at how tiring and yet rewarding it can be. :)

Oh well, time to get back to reality. Have to go scoping around for jobs. Bleah, how utterly dreadful. Why isn't Fadz rich enough for me to sponge off and live like a tai tai?????

Some R & R!!

Phew! Finally, some time to blog. I've just finished the Show Me The Money Bootcamp, and I must say I'm immensely glad that it's over. Organising things can be such a pain in the ass, especially when you're in-charge of logistics. Hummppffh..

It sucks when the Profs whom you've emailed over and over again don't turn up on time. It sucks when Food Haven catering tries to stiff you. It sucks when after all that work people can still be such assholes.

Anyway, shall not dwell on the past. I'm still tying up loose ends and it's sooo stupid that I have to go back to school even after the event to squeeze money out of the school administration. Money that was put aside for us but impossible to attain due to too much red tape. By the time I get the money, I think we would have moved school already and everyone would forget.

And one thing I'm still reflecting on is the nature of the people I've chosen to work with, namely, Ventures people. Now, you must understand that these people are elitist and really smart in their own way. Most are hardworking, driven and very motivated individuals who want to start their own businesses. They are aspiring entrepreneurs. But what I can't decide whether I can accept is the fact that they are not confident. They are arrogant. Very, very arrogant. They think that their decisions are the best ones made, suggestions are heard but not listened, and all credit is due to them only. Case closed. Moreover, tact is overrated and being polite is for wussies. Right.

I've noticed this even in people I once thought were very mellow and well, nice. And yet, the change is there. I do not know if that person was always like that, or he changed after joining. Even I have changed. I have a lower threshold of tolerance for incompetence and if I fail, all the worse the self-censor. The hiccups I've experienced during this workshop made me feel absolutely useless for a while last night. I kept thinking about what went wrong and why it went wrong. And I felt so defeated. Defeated and angry at myself. It sucks when you cannot find peace with yourself.

so why am I giving myself so much stress? Sure, it would be nice if I could start my own business, but am I really cut out for it? Do I really want to walk into the business world knowing that most of them are assholes who would stab you in the back the moment they can? Do I really want to kill myself and give myself sleepless nights wondering if I'm making enough money?

and all this for what? Money? Success? Recognition? In the end, we're all still gonna get old. Companies will be taken over; I would be replaced by someone younger, and all the money in the world is not going to make me young again.

I guess that's why I treasure relationships so much. Because I don't want to lose my youth over some faceless, dead business only to realize too late that I will be too busy to ever have a companion and a family. I need people who know and trust me. People who love me and want to be around me. All the money in the world is not going to make up for the fact that I will be sitting alone in a cold office with tons of money in the bank, but no one to share it with. And when I'm 40, and deciding that I need a vacation, there's no one around because I've neglected all relationships except the business contacts.

because the one thing that I cannot abide more than the lack of good career prospect is the fear of loneliness. I hate being alone. Although some days I would wish that everyone dies and leave me alone, at the back of my mind I know that once I snap out of that mood, I would need to be with someone, talk to someone. I fear growing old alone more than anything. To not know companionship in my old age, to not have someone to love and be with... It's unimaginable.

perhaps this fear stems from a childhood of loneliness. I was the proverbial latch-key kid. my grandma died when I was 7. Both my parents were working. My sisters were always in school. I would go home to an empty house and wait. wait for it to be filled. Maybe that's why I sleep so much and hate lighting. I used to sleep so that time would pass more quickly and when I woke up, my family would be home. And I hate lightning cos it reminds me of times when I cowered in fear on my bed, knowing that there was no one in the house to comfort me.

How depressing a melancholic mood can be. I hope I snap out of it soon and not be a killjoy during the chalet. hehehe... And now I'm thinking that I won't be seeing Fadz the whole weekend.. Awwwww... Sianz... I know I'm too dependent on him. Why? Because he's the first person i know i can lean on no matter what. Love.. How grand.. *grinz*

It's A Beautiful Day......

The smell of freedom is so sweet i want to wept. This morning, i leapt out of bed feeling ecstatic and that the heavyness in my heart was gone. Liberated. Ok, the leap out of bed was for a different reason. I was supposed to meet Kristin and Sylvia for a gym session at 9.45am and i woke up at 9.51am. Ah hell...

Anywayz, it was fun getting my lazyass up and moving. However, I resolutely avoided the treadmill. I'm just not a treadmill girl lah... Weights, slidemaster, weird machines, all can. Treadmill? Hell, no hell.

Followed that with a movie session with Fadz. I was bubbling over with joy when i saw him, feeling so happy that i could finally hang out with him without feeling guilty about having to study. Watched The Pacifier. Yes, yes, i know, what a terrible movie choice. But it was surprisingly entertaining; Vin Diesel is going down the Arnie-Kindergarten Cop way, but he is significantly cuter and a better actor than our dear Californian Governor. At least he doesn't talk funny. And like my sister says, i have no movie discretion. I watch any and all junk movies. But i can't help it! I love the movie experience! I love how the darkness envelopes me, watching something hopefully entertaining, and spending time with my sweetie and his arms around me. It's a contented feeling. =)

The day ended with an utterly scrumptious and satisfying dinner. My Dad turns the ripe old age of 54 and the women of my family treated him to dinner at Santory. It's this lovely, Japanese restuarant at Intercontinental Hotel and the waitresses dress in kimonos. Cute! The food is fantabulous. The salmon sashimi was so thick and fresh i thought i died and ate a bit of fish heaven; the beef, marinated and sauteed to rare perfection. Even the freaking tea was great! The rice aroma strong, well-steeped and cleared the palate after each course. Sigh... I love japanese food.

The biggest kick came when the bill came. Cos UOB is having a one-for-one special, so i decided, demanded that i would pay so that i can earn UNI points. I made my sisters and mum deposit money into my bank first. Haha, how lame right? I'm so lame I'm cool. So there. Disagree all you want. Haha!

All in all, good day, good day. Spent it in good company, surrounded in environments that constantly assaulted my senses and brought me many pleasures. Yay!

And We All Fall Down...

Only one more paper to go, Only one more paper to go, Only one more paper to go, Only one more paper to go, Only one more paper to go.....

The stats paper was ok. The FA paper was hell. It was miserable. It was crap. At least i didn't cry. Shhh.. do you know that i cried during my MA paper because i couldn't do it and i was so stressed out by Aldric (who was sitting next to me and writing furiously)? I had conveniently blocked out that unfortunate episode until one fine day Aldric decided to remind me. And then the horrors came crashing back into my head. Now i know why he's quite protective of me... cos he thinks i'm this weak, blubbering female who cries over tests. bbbllleeaaaahhhhh...

Anywayz, FA was a total disaster. The whole day was a total disaster. First, while queuing up for my food at the Yong Tau Foo stall, i accidentally tipped the tray and the sauce container on the tray flew at me. My top is officially destroyed and my skirt is no better. Haiz... To add to my pathetic existence, my chopsticks broke halfway while i was eating. Kristin and Sylvia nearly fell off their chairs from laughing too hard. Huummpffhhh. -_-'''

So i sulked all the way home, and having had enough, i poured myself a stiff drink of vodka coke and promptly fell asleep.

Sigh, why do i care so little about my exams? Why don't i bother studying and bringing the inner nerd within? Sigh. I wish something good will happen to me soon. I'm sick of this doldrum i'm in.

Since i'm totally non-religious, i can't pray to any God to make my life better. So i'm praying to all my friends who are reading this... "Eh! Do something nice for me leh!" hahaha... yeah right.

I can't wait for the chalet. York suggested.. no told me that we were going night cycling. When i told him i wasn't a stable rider, he told me that he will ask someone to drive so that i can sit inside the car. I nearly punched him. Idiot. Which is worse, an untactful guy or an idiotic guy? Oh yeah. i forgot. He's both. haha, christina and Syd, don't you agree?

Men can be so gross

I feel like throwing up. Been reading this article from Reader's Digest about the rampant child-prostitution in Cambodia. There's this entire sex trade catered to the niche group of foreign and local pedophiles. Apparently, men get a kick from bedding girls as young as 4. How sick is is that?

One reason thrown up for this growing trend is that men get a high from knowing that they are the first to teach a virgin the pleasures of sex. Why the fucking hell would a 4 year old need to know the pleasures of sex? She's still a kid, her hormones are not even in order! And you're probably not the first to bed her, so don't give some fucking lame excuse and just admit that your brain is dead! And these poor girls have to service so many men a day. They're still children! How would you like it if your child was brutally raped over and over again!

It was so heartbreaking to read on. This undercover humanitarian pretended to be a customer and asked for young girls. These 2 young girls, ages 6 and 8, came to him, having been woken up by their pimps. It was like 10pm, these kids were sleeping, like any other kid! What other proof do you need that you are a monster and taking advantage of a helpless child?

Aarggh, it's moments like this that I really despise men. I know it's unfair to generalise, and there are really nice guys out there, but seriously, some men can be so fucking sickening.

Why are there boy prostitutes? Not because females get a kick out of bedding them (of course, there are those) but because some fucking mentally twisted men enjoy the tightness of anal sex and these boys cater to such needs. Because they have no choice. Because they have no bargaining power. Because they just want to die.

And because men are so concerned with friction that most don't want to wear a condom. If the girl tries to insist, she gets a thrashing first from the customer, then her pimp. So by the time these girls reach the age of 10, they are already HIV positive.

What do they think their way out of this misery is? To marry one of the foreigners that they have serviced. They write letters to these foreigners begging them to take them away. Yeah right.

Don't even get me started on the prostitutes in Vietnam. There's also a growing child-prostitution trade there. From some reports, the "mamas" would force pith into the girl's virgina, and then pour water in. When the pith absorbs the water, it expands, and expands the virgina. This is to cater to customers who complain that virgins have pathways too tight. Do you know that some girls die from this treatment? That they die from infection? That the pain is intolerable?

I feel like crying. I feel so helpless. What can I do to help these girls?

Where To Now?

They weren't kidding when they said that NS is the mother of all relationship-destroyers. Things lately have gotten rather... off.

Our paths once crossed during our JC days. Being in such close proximity and undergoing the same experiences drew us closer. but now, our paths have diverged and i don't think our paths will cross soon enough again to stop this discontented feeling.

fadz doesn't understand what i'm going through. more accurately, he doesn't bother to know. because he's not experiencing the same situation, he shows little to no interest in my life. he hears, but he doesn't listen.

i'm not much better. to me, NS is and will always be some amusing notion of boys playing with guns, shooting at non-moving targets and priding themselves as being "combat ready" when all they really know is how to run up a hill in formation and go "bang bang".

but the thing is, school is my life, and NS is his. no matter how foreign the notion is, it is very real for the person undergoing it. and i can't relate, i just can't. i'm sick of being the understanding girlfriend, i'm sick of not having his presence around. i'm sick that he can go out in the middle of the night while i'm mugging away over things that i don't understand.

and the temptation. man, has li wern tried to warn me about it. correction, she kept telling me that i shouldn't tie myself down to a NS boy when i was surrounded by men. "why don't you go date some guys?" "then you can make a comparison." "maybe you'd find someone better."

someone has caught my eye. but that's just it. he possesses qualities that fadz doesn't have, and qualities that i once thought were critical in the man i love. but at the end of the day, i just want fadz. i just want to recapture that feeling of exhilaration, the feeling that we connected and he understood me. the feeling that we only needed each other and i didn't have to look elsewhere to feel understood.

i want to go back to our jc days.

Time To Get Fat

And the biannual binge-a-thon begins. It's amazing how much crap i can shovel into my mouth when i'm bored or doing work. Ok, they mean the same thing to me. :)

I'm attempting to do my stats revision and boy is it a snooze-fest. oh god, damn the person who invented maths! it is so mind-numbingly boring that i can't sit still for more than 5 minutes. sigh, this is getting no where.

besides wasting my life away on a bunch of lifeless numbers, i'm killing my body. Seriously, anything that is bite-size beware! i devour grapes by the bunches and now i'm working my way through a packet of peanuts. i thought that since i would have to shell them, it would slow me down. Dreamer. All it did was slow down my writing speed. Why do i even bother?

Thank goodness my restrain against potato chips, the number one killer, is still holding. I find it totally annoying that some people eat chips but taking multiple dainty bites out of the same chip. Gad's sake, it's meant to be eaten in one bite! So stop desecrating this sacred action! bleah, if i stay at home any longer, i might soon lose the ability to get my ass off the chair. Someone help me!!!!!!

sigh. i'm bored. i'm unmotivated. i just want to get out and do something, but i have no idea what. when did i become so wishy-washy and indecisive? it's disgusting. really, it is. And now my thoughts can't even flow properly and i'm talking gibberish. i apologise to everyone who has to read this crap. must be all the calories clogging up the remnants of a once active mind. aaahh, do i miss those days when i sounded intelligent.

the curtain closes...

my ltb course is over. Finally. It's not that i wasn't happy or anything... just that it can get rather tiring after a while. moreover, i did experience a couple of moments when i wanted to throttle some people.... lol, nah, at the end of the day, i'm eternally grateful to the Powers That Be for giving me such a great and dynamic group. No complaints, no major ones anyway. i think i would have died in the other groups. thank goodness that Illumino was made of personalities that could click.

well, back to the old rat race, not that i was truly out of it. all i did was merely shelf it aside to concentrate on the seemingly endless number of presentations. the exams are coming soon and i'm still procrastinating. bugger it. i need some motivation!!!! but what? what? how bout i might fail and get kicked out of school, lazyass? Right. Point taken.

anyway, check these photos out while my 2 personalities wrestle it out. *and in that corner, prudish Joanne slams lazyass Joanne onto the floor... but wait! what is this? Lazyass Joanne trips prudish and she's down! Lazyass wins again!*

doing our best impersonation of The Apprentice. muahaha.

our ltb journey depicted through photos. sniff sniff.

My Darling's Birthday

Men can be such idiots. No, i don't mean Fadz, but some other guy whom I'm furious at. A couple of posts back, i mentioned that i will be throwing a surprise birthday party for Fadz. 3 hours before the event, some ASSHOLE smsed Fadz and told him that he couldn't make it for his birthday dinner. He was stunned for a moment before asking me if there was some dinner planned for him that he didn't know about. i nearly fainted. That was before i called the offensive fellow and yelled at him for a good 10 minutes. This morning in stats, he saw me and cowered in fear. Huummppfff. He deserved it.


anywayz, here are some photos of the party. it was damn hot and we started to perspire a little, hence the shiny faces. hehehe...



me and my sweetie.. looking a bit ruffled and messy...




me and the scandalous Ms Tan Li Wern



La food...


giving the birthday boy a smoochie... (a better present right? :) )


doing a hugo boss ad.. not!

Ok, i know i haven't blogged in some time.. but it's really been crazy. Don't endless projects and stuff.. btw, thanks Christina for lending me your stats textbook! you're such a sweetheart!

Ok, off to pop panadol and stuff.. my nose is killing me..

gone... it's really gone...

I'm losing my mind. seriously, i am. i can forget what i did half an hour ago. And i always say Sylvia has a corkscrew brain... sigh...

I've lost my Stats textbook. Oh goody. the thing is, i can't recall where i left it. was it at ficus? at osl? seriously man, if somebody stole it, that person is a fucking loser. it's a STATS textbook for gad's sake. ARE YOU THAT DESPERATE, YOU CRAPASS LOSER? great, and now i'm gonna fail stats. sigh...

and to think i only discovered my missing book when i was almost home. apparently, i had conveniently walked out of school, went to Duke's Diner to make a reservation and only when i was near bukit batok, did i realise my hands were empty. *whacks forehead*

so what did i do? my favourite reaction of course. i freaking panicked. i frantically called aldric and screamed down the phone for him to help me go to ficus and search for my book. of course, being me, i talked a bit too loudly on the bus and people started to stare. sigh. he called back shortly, after an excrutiating 10 minutes to tell me he couldn't find it.

i started to get depressed (over a stats book!) and then i tried to make my stupid dead brain think where i left it. convinced that i had left it in ficus and thinking that aldric wouldn't look at the tables, i harassed the poor boy again to go to ficus and check all the tables. Duh. it's aldric. of course he'd already checked.

after another 5 minutes, i called aldric again. this time, i was convinced that i'd left it at osl. i could hear his exasperation, but whatever. i just had to find my freaking book. aldric's lesson started and he went for the lesson first. so what did i do? seeing how i was at home and in my room.... i fell asleep. -_-''' so much for worrying. aldric messaged later to tell me he couldn't find it. i so owe him big time.

sigh. so what to do now... what to do now... bleah! eh kris, lend me your book leh. i think i'll go photocopy it or something.

AAARRRRGGGGHHHH. Stats textbook stealer, may you rot and burn and die in hell!!!! die asshole die!!!!!

One down, 3 more to do

Phew! i'm done with Comms. I think we did ok... We finally pulled it together and the transition was pretty ok. Unfortunately, a lot of people around me didn't fare as pleasantly and they're rather disheartened now.

Especially poor Aldric, he was so stressed out yesterday night... he msn-ed me and was freaking out and getting real worried. Now that his presentation is done, he is even more worried. Haiz, i feel bad for him...

Hehe, Fadz's birthday is coming. I'm giving him a surprise birthday party. Even since i've met him, i've been trying to give him a surprise. Unfortunately, every surprise is marred by uncooperative people and predictability. This time, i'm going for broke... muahahahaha...

The first birthday i planned for him... people going told him that they were going to be late. -_-''' And SARS was rampant then... so i couldn't even meet him cos my mum refused to let me out of the house.

The second birthday i wanted to surprise him with a picnic (cooked entirely by yours truly) at Sentosa. He guessed the picnic somehow, and then he hated the sun at Sentosa. LOL, he was so miserable we had to leave early. And then the next day, i planned a surprise birthday party at Swensen's for him. He guessed that too. bleah...

So this year, it is going to be an all-out secretive operation. We're going to Duke's Diner at Crown Centre on Good Friday. So far, no idiot has smsed him yet. Also, since it's not on his birthday, and not even the weekend, he wouldn't see it. Fingers crossed this time he's gonna be shocked! Must be shocked! Don't care!

haha... 3 more presentations to go.. i'm rambling.. oh well.. oh yeah, FA presentation. Mark wanted to join my group (me, Sylvia, Ying Wen and Kristin) but we quickly told the Prof that we'd already done most of it. Today, another girl approached us to join our group. And there's only one more week to go. No freaking way. We quickly brushed her off again, we're safe.

Not very nice right? Oh well. It's true that we're mostly done anyway...

Alrightie, brain is switching off. Sleep-deprived from doing comms and studying for FA test. Zzzzzzz.....

Man or Woman?

Ah well, at least i'm female enough.

Your Brain is 66.67% Female, 33.33% Male

Your brain leans female You think with your heart, not your head Sweet and considerate, you are a giver But you're tough enough not to let anyone take advantage of you!

What Gender Is Your Brain?

I'm turning racist

I like to think of myself as being more open-minded and racially-harmonious. However, a few unsavoury characters have completely closed my mind and i now have a very low opinion about Indians.

It all began with Mudit. A 16-year old punk, he thought he was smarter than everyone and had an opinion about everything. He would talk and talk and talk, repeating what people said and doing slipshod work. Sigh....

And this whole vicious cycle is now perpetuating with Shashank and Kaushal, two authentic Indians who are my President and Ex-President of Ventures respectively. Are they smart and capable? You bet. But have they broken away from the old Indian mindset that women are inferior? Hell no.

It's infuriating when I'm not given credit. I'm undertaking this project and they always conveniently leave me out. My partner on this project is a male, and he is always in the loop, always credited and always put in charge. I want to strangle those two ah nehs so badly it's not funny.

It's hard to respect a person when they are so rude and annoying. They do what they want and shove people aside as and when they like. I was planning a meeting with my prof, and did the responsible thing to call everyone involved. But Shashank just steamrolled in and decided the matter, leaving me out of the meeting and telling the prof that only he and my partner are going. Bastard. He also left my Vice-President out. Who the hell does he think he is? The club isn't his, no matter what he may think. Jerk. %^&$%#^%$!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm going to make sure that ah neh knows i'm alive. Boy, is he going to know it. If he thinks that i'm all about parties and fruity in behaviour, he's gonna get a rude awakening. A VERY rude one.

I'm damn thirsty

Li Wern broke up with her boyfriend. Finally. If this sounds mean, well, try listening to that woman whine and promising to end the relationship for the past gazillion months. I'm just glad it's over. woo hah!

We went to Alley Bar for some girly talk. Lol, so much for trying to save up. Drank a lychee martini, cosmopolitan, and then on a whim, we decided to end the day on a good note with the karma sutra. that is basically 5 vodka, liquer-flavoured shots. Yup, definitely a high. I think towards the end we were talking too loudly, discussing how best she should flirt with a guy so that she could lay him and get over her horniness... yup, definitely on a high. The waiters were all looking at us in amusement. Oh well... =)

Look what turned up in my mailbox. it's amazing how a transsexual can sum up all the things that a woman feels. hehe...

When I am a girl, my life will be sweet.

Boys'd buy me jewels in hopes of a treat.
When I am a girl, I'll be a conniver,

I'll gossip to friends and be a worse driver.
When I am a girl, I'll have sensitive feelings.

Climb the corporate ladder, straight into glass ceilings.
When I am a girl, I'll resent that the gents

Earn a dollar compared to my seventy cents.
I'll go out to bars, bat my eyelids and squeal.

Pretend not to notice dudes copping a feel.
When I am a girl, I'll giggle and wink.

I'll flirt with the studs and never pay for a drink.
When I am a girl, I'll obsess if I'm slim.

I'll count the net carbs and never go to the gym.
When I am a girl, I'll envy your noodle

I'll need a support group to pee like a poodle.
When I am a girl, I'll get excited for hours,

I'll never wear panties and have a weakness for flowers.
I'll play with all day, my bundle of nerves

And never give up what no man deserves.
Then one week a month I'll have an excuse

To spread venom, and hatred and mental abuse.
But the thing to which I look forward the most,

The thing to which all the girls will toast,
Is the turning of any innocent spat

Into: "OH MY GOD! ARE YOU SAYING I'M FAT???"
So for all of these reasons and infinite more

I can hardly contain my feminine lore.
For when I am a girl I'll marry some jerk

So I can eat bonbons and let him go to work.
I'll cut my hair short and since I'll be a wife,

I'll gain five pounds a year, for the rest of my life.
But now back to real life for Helga The Virgin

As known on the corner where I earn for the surgeon.

Damn, but my tag-board is down. Help! Help! What is happening?

Cool! I'm in the exco

Yay! After a nerve-wrecking wait during the elections, i was finally elected onto the executive committee of SMU Ventures. I'm the new director of Human Resource. Haha... such an irony...

You see, i'm always making fun of my sister, who is the HR Administrator of her company. Just watching her, i vowed never to do anything with HR, cos it really is a thankless task. Everyone is constantly asking her questions and asking her to solve their problems, on top of all her own work. And here i am, the new HR director of Ventures. It's called bad karma. =)

Right away, i was thrown into the daunting task of handling the administrative work. I feel so out of my skin... oh well, let's see how it goes.

I'm really creeped out by Teoh Boon Seong; he's my comms prof. Not only is he a bad instructor (he never bothers to teach anything), he's also a SUPER big chee ko pek. After learning that my boyfriend was Malay, he quickly asked if i spoke Malay. My reply was negative, and he hasn't stopped hounding me ever since.

You see, Teoh teaches basic Malay in SMU. Now, at almost every lesson, he would call me aside and try to confirm whether i am going to take his class. Basically, he has strongheld me into agreeing. Sigh. Jerk.

Right. Better get back to listening in class. Alvin (my TA) always sits behind me. He casually informed me that he knew i was sleeping. -_-''' I told him i was merely distracted. Let's hope he doesn't deduct too many points off my grade. hahahahaha...

I hate emails (and smses)

I hate emails (and smses)

Technology is not agreeing with me today. I've had nothing but bad news from it- more work, last minute meetings etc. I'm normally not VERY violent, but just for today, i had the urge to slam my phone on the floor, and stomp my laptop into little pieces. Yes, it's that bad.

It all started yesterday actually. I was supposed to meet this girl from SA to do something for Ventures. Obediently, i went to Raffles at the anointed time and waited patiently. half an hour later, i was still alone in that creepy place. so when i panickily asked the girl where she was, she replied (through sms!) that she was held up at the office. Seeing how i had a LTB meeting, and i was already damn late, i left. Unfortunately, it started to rain. very heavily. not willing to stay in that creepo place, i ran in the rain for the shelther of the red door gallery, which, in my opinion, equally creepy. i then had to take a freaking cab to the business block cos i was completely trapped. First blow of bad news through technology.

Second blow into the heart: I've just come home from school after an extremely long and taxing LTB meeting, switched on my laptop and boom! second arrow fired. Ravi (from Ventures) fires me this message through msn, "Why don't you ever check your emails? Reply to it!!!"

Being very weary, i didn't mince my words. "I'm not tied to my computer day and night." At least he had the decency to apologise and looked embarrassed. (he put on the embarrassed emoticon) And to that, he had only just sent out the message in the afternoon, when i was in school!

today, i went to westmall after morning stats class to meet my mum for lunch. boom! third arrow into my heart. Kaushal (my ventures president) smsed me "check your email". Which i then replied "i'm not at home now." Not very nice, especially since he's my president. Ravi (yup, him again!) then messaged me that we needed to see a professor TODAY for ventures. Apparently, that was the email i was supposed to check. Seeing how i last checked my email at 1am, and was in school at 8.30am, I started smoking from the ears a little. Extremely harrassed, i rushed back to school for the aforementioned meeting. And the prof made us wait 30 minutes for it.

and the final dagger into my heart. i came home to some much needed rest, and this sms comes through from York. "check your email, reply asap." that did it. i was so irate that all i could see was rage. Turning on my computer, i changed my msn nick to "dammit! if you have something to tell me, call me and not email me! i'm not tied to my computer day and night!"

Unfortunately, York was online and he became enraged too. he proceeded to take the high road and screamed at me for kao bei-ing, when all he was doing was being responsible. the email, incidentally, was to arrange for a meeting tomorrow for ltb. sigh. what did i do? of course i ripped back, giving it back twice as good. i screamed and raged as fast as my fingers will type. msn, by the way, is a weird medium to scold someone. anyway, luckily we've worked it out. but only after a lot of churlish and mean words were exchanged.

so you see, i have a right to be angry with technology. it has done nothing but bring my bad news. The next time i see Neil Jones, I'm gonna hurl something at him. Down with technology! (and profs who teach technology!)

Salaam

Salaam

Was at the boyfriend's house yesterday to celebrate his brother's 13th birthday. Lol, previously, i was pissed at him over a very small issue. Fadz has a very laidback attitude to everything, including our relationship. to him, we are supposedly at the level where i SHOULD know what to do in every situation. I didn't really receive an invitation to go over to his house, and so i asked him about it. but he replied meanly "Usually we don't invite you and you also come what." -_-''' That totally pissed me off... haha, i'm sensitive in that way.

so childishly, i refused to sms him to ask what time to go over. and accordingly, that stupid boy ignored me as well... until my marked absence triggered a rude message from him late in the afternoon. followed by a few more rude messages. it really was a battle of the words; seeing who can piss off the other person more. sigh... are we really 20 years old??? when i cornered him later to ask about the relevance of the messages, he admitted he just wanted to irritate me. altogether now... sssiiggghhh...

anyway, at his house... although i know his family well, i've never really conformed to their customs and traditions. so when one aunt asked pointblank "No salaam ah?" (salaam, by the way, is the paying of respect to an elder by touching your nose to the elder's hand) In shock, i clumsily grabbed her hand and instinctively, i started to pump her hand ie like a handshake before remembering where i was and touched my forehead to her hand. hahahahahhaha...

so anyway, when i was leaving, i performed the same action to all his relatives... wrongly. i hope they don't mind. after all, i have no prior "training". Only when i consulted Fadz did i discover my faux pas. oh well, you live and learn.

oh yeah, and his youngest aunt is pregnant! his cousins are sooo adorable. i can't wait for another cousin to cuddle and kiss!

The World's Greatest Tragedy

The World's Greatest Tragedy

While reading blogs, i came across this comment:

"Everyone has been harping on the 250 000 people who perished in the Tsunami since last December. But do you know that 4 million people have died in a civil war in rebel-controlled East Congo for the past 6 years... Why do we not hear of this? Because they are black." - sheabutter

Although i've known Congo to be repressed and war torn, i never knew about the extent of the war horror. On the other hand, i knew intimately about the death toll created by the Asian Tsunami. Why is there such a discrepency? Media manipulation? Or do people only want to know what they are willing to help?

I suppose the difference is the method of salvation. To put it coldly, money will eventually rebuilt all that was lost to the tidal waves. yes, people died, but with money, lives will be rebuilt, villages restored. and life goes on.

but with Congo, nothing short of declaring war and taking back the country from the rebels will change anything. So why isn't the Bush administration charging in with it's democracy fighters and all that bullshit?

sheabutter makes a point. Because they are black. In Iraq and Afganistan, there was oil to gain; revenge to be taken. But to take control of Congo, what can the Americans hope to gain? Nothing much. So there's no return of investment.

So there you have it - invading a country to liberate it is crap, American crap. If George Bush was truly that righteous, let's see him charge into Congo.

So which is a greater tragedy, one caused by nature or one by war? to me, both seem incontrollable. to wish that we will one day live in a world where there are no desperados or power-hungry dictators is foolish. people are just that way. selfish and greedy for more.

oh yeah, what more details on the horrors of Congo? Check this out.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/africa/2405563.stm

Technology & World Change - Who Cares?

Technology and World Change - Who Bloody Cares?

I must say, this is possibly the most bullshit and boring class that i will ever attend at SMU. Yes, it's even worse than financial accounting. Even though the professor speaks well and his biting sarcasm can be rather humorous at times, he's like a well-spoken engineer speaking to a group of philosophy students: no one understands, and no one gives a shit.

After valiantly fighting to keep awake by throwing myself into participating in class, only one hour has passed. Time is dragging by so slowly i feel like throwing myself out of the window. Of course, since we're on the ground floor, i don't think i would get maimed; my pride maybe, but my miserable mind will still feel like killing itself.

I'm soooo bored, you cannot imagine. The prof can go on and on about a particular topic... like a radio, or broadcast system, and he uses all kinds of analogies to make us understand. But the point is, who cares? Who really gives a shit?? How is this supposed to help us? How are we supposed to go for an exam that is 40% of our final grade when we a) don't know what the course is all about b) have no idea what he could possibly test us on c) we don't bloody care or want to care.

Sigh. And to think i was doing so well mimicking someone who did care. i'm participating, i'm trying to to listen, but right now i've given up. Seeing how i'm using a computer that is not even mine, i think he would know that i'm not listening. Once again, show of hands, who cares? Not me.

The Bell Jar

I've just finished reading The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath and it's an amazing book. The way she expressed the kinds of emotion and grief, the insanity, that one feels during a mental breakdown was so eloquent that i wanted to weep in despair. Although i rarely have a liking for depressing books, The Bell Jar was so riveting that i had to complete it within 2 sittings.

I suppose another strong point of this book is that it is so relevant. I'm sure at some point in everyone's life, we have felt stifled by people's perceptions and what we should do, how we should behave, etc. And that inability to climb out of that controlled environment is what the Bell Jar is all about. Being unable to shed inhibitions and societal notions to be who we want to be, do what we want to do. I've felt that way many times before. Many, many times.

Also, why is it that more women are prone to mental breakdowns than men? Post-natal depression, menopausal emotional breakdowns, not to mention how sometimes the littlest things can set us off. Why were we born to be able to feel so much, to feel pain in magnifold? Depression, in many degrees, can be seen in women everywhere. While i have never experienced complete depression, sometimes i feel that life can seem very unforgiving. The oppressiveness of even waking up in the morning can be so overwhelming that being alive is an effort. Isn't that truly scary?

Haha, i'm not saying that i'm heading towards the psychiatric ward, i'm just saying that if there really is a God, he sure played a final joke on us women: he made us feel too much. I supposed that's why they say you should never offend a women; rage is also an emotion, and when we go bonkers, we truly go bonkers. I guess it's to compensate for all the pain that we somehow take upon us to bear. Some women choose to weep and die from the inside; others need to pass the pain onto others before it subsides.

"Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned." No shit.

Whirlwind of socialising

Whirlwind of socialising

Wow, what an exhuasting week of entertaining, and most of it didn't even have to do with chinese new year. the endless rounds of meeting friends and just catching up has left me rather tired. but it was fun! boy, was it fun (and fattening!)

09/02/05: beginning with cny eve dinner at mayim, which wasn't fantastic, but it marks the start of the orgy of gorging that i embarked upon.

10/02/05: next was Cheryl's (my sista) birthday celebration; she turned the grand old age of 25. birthday dinner was at Muthu's curry, which began on a rather gross start, as a little boy at a nearby table threw up while his grandma was carrying him. some of his puke found its way onto our then empty plates. restaurant is nice enough, definitely not your ordinary indian restaurant. even more startling was that it served yu sheng, in the spirit of cny and all. food was good, setting was pretty; a good meal in all.


me with the birthday girl


me with the family (dad was taking the picture)


the yu sheng (they hired a chinese chef especially for this occasion)


a bad shot of the food!

11/02/05: was out with fadz that day, and as i was settling into the couch for a good round of tv, my crazy friends (read: eng teck) called up to blackmail me into surprising sylvia. we had a cake and all, which was nice. but at 11pm at night, to travel all the way to boon lay for a 15 minute surprise... i was slightly disgruntled... :)

hamming it up at Plaza Singapura's Gelare

at the fountain outside ngee ann city

12/02/05: Sylvia's official birthday celebration at her house (again!). Chocolate cake aside, had a pretty fun time gossiping with my fellow smu friends, before playing mah jong with frank, denise and wai hon. i won $11! muahaha...

the smu gang!

Later i trooped over to sim's (my sec 2 form teacher) house for a visit. it's actually a cover up for the 206 people to meet up annually. we just need a place and reason to meet up. haha... poor mr sim. every year we arrive only to cost him a fortune and turn his house upside down. had fun bitching (as usual) about our fellow ex-classmates with the KB gang, before giggling and being silly over how a few of the boys have ahem.. matured and become better looking. haha..

fooling around at mos burger waiting for jing yi

the kb gang! (minus ms charlotte)

my great, old teddybear teacher!

lol, we think he's pretty hot. better looking in real life.

13/02/05: was supposed to be fadz and my celebration of valentine's day, as he would be in camp come the actual day. but alan had planned a nice lunch gathering at The Oaks at Tanglin Mall as a farewell party for Pris. She's leaving to study in Australia on Friday, so sad.. another person flies the coop. :( I brought my camera to take photos, but it ran out of battery... -_-'''

after that, we played pooled at Mambo at Lucky Plaza, and surprise surprise, i stink at pool. oh well...

later in the afternoon, fadz and i walked around orchard to kill some time before dinner (more eating!). things have been a bit strained between us lately; he prefering to languish in stability and routine, and me craving for some sponteneity and missing the heady feeling one feels when one is in the initial stages of a relationship.. i guess i was also freaked out by his constant references to married life and children. lol, he has accelerated the process by a million times.

sensing that i was truly bored of walking around aimlessly, he suggested we go to the breakwater at marina bay for some alone time. it worked like a charm. somehow, the clear azure blue skies, the deliciously dry grass that we were sitting on, and the serene ocean (complete with ships) that we were facing made everything seem... wonderful. in all my fits of exasperation, i failed to remember one important factor of our current relationship: how happy and stable we are, and that he never fails to make me feel loved. sitting there looking at the water, being held in his arms, he made me feel absolutely safe, warm and happy. very, very happy. so i may not feel the old flames of excitement, but what i do feel is happiness. being with him still brings butterflies to my stomach, i still eagerly wait to see him, and he makes me laugh. somehow, i've forgotten about these things.

at night, aside from the lovely bouquet of roses, he treated me to dinner at amiran's in bugis. had a nice dinner just basking in each other's company, while freezing our socks off in the ridiculously cold environment...

14/02/05: so how did i spend valentine's day? at home, what else. i gave school a miss as my lazy butt refused to leave the cosiness of my bed, and also to study for my stats test. that turned out to be a farce as lethargy won out. i studied for a little while only. but i did have a fantastic japanese meal with geraldine (other sista) and my mum at Raku, a quiant, lovely restaurant in Holland V. the ambience is deliciously warm; soft yellow lighting, only a few tables and dark, oak furniture. it's an open kitchen concept, but the ventilation is so good that we when came out there was no trace of the food we had consumed. the food is exquisite: warm soba bathed in a lovely broth, tempura fried so well that it's non-oily and the flour easily separates from the filling; a mark of good chefmanship. the soft shell crab was crispy and generous in meat, although the accompanying sauce was too sour for my taste; give me good old mayonnaise any time! and there was the claypot unagi with egg. Splendidly done, the egg so soft and silky while the unagi had a decided bite to it. The only damper to the whole experience was the volatile chef. the equipment he was using was faulty, and in a fit of rage, he began throwing things around in disgust. at least when he caught me looking at him, he had the sense to look apologetic. no sense in having an open kitchen if the customer has to endure fits of temper.

good week, good week. how am i gonna start school? oh yeah, through sheer will and force.. i have a test tomorrow. god bless me.

Chinese New Year is... fun

Chinese New Year is...FUN...

On the eve of Chinese New Year, i persuaded Fadz to bring me to Chinatown. Lol, i dunno if he or the ang mos were more conspicuous. Anyway, the crowds were CRAZY! At some points, we couldn't even move. Fadz grew increasingly agitated, and me, being nutso and all, was actually enjoying being crushed to death by sweaty, disgusting people. Haha...

So he refused to talk to me and keeping his head down, plowed through the people, attempting to reach the end. And when we emerged on the other side of the road, he stoutly refused to jump back into the crowds. i wonder why... :)

But i found it fun. I bought mochi mochi, ate ice popsicles, and saw the crazy austrian guy selling german sausages. And he was wearing chinese pigtails. hehehe...

i've only been to one house so far: my grandma's. as you can see, we're rather anti-social. and since my mum can't stand my grandma, we only stayed one hour. lol, some chinese new year eh? we've been playing mah jong for the rest of the time, so i can't really complain. A choice between being stuck in a house with people i see once a year, or playing mah jong. I think i'll take the latter.

Bugger it, i forgot to bring my camera to chinatown. so no photos people! will, update soon enough...

Gong Xi Gong Xi! Was at muthu's curry yesterday for dinner, and we had lo hei (yu sheng!). since it was an indian restuarant, the waiters weren't about the do the preperation for you. So i rolled up my sleeves and attempted to do it, chinese idioms and all. hahahah... if you know my grasp of the chinese language, you'll know that i wasn't very successful... hahhaha

I'm sulking

I'm sulking

I'm in a positively bratty and sulky mood. Don't ask me why; i'm not too sure what the trigger was even. All i do know is that, it's incredibly comforting to sulk sometimes and unleash the annoyance within me.

Stuck in Comms class now. Was really weirded out this morning; Teko Teoh (my comms prof) came up to me and asked me if i spoke malay. After overcoming the shock, he basically "wrestled" me into agreeing to sign up for his basic malay course next sem. he even told me to find a good partner cos we'd be conversing a lot in malay. yeah, whatever.

i'm having my FA test later. i think i'm absolutely allergic to FA. Every Sunday, whenever i'm stuck doing FA homework or studying for it, i would fall ill. very, very ill. Ill enough to require constant rest, constant eating and constant medication. Yeeuuggghss. My nose is raw from all the rubbing. Sigh. I am so gonna fail this test. I'm resigned to my fate.

Still feeling irritable. I want to go to Chinatown to soak up the atmosphere and get squashed. I want to be pressed against sweaty beasts (ie other shoppers) and feel disgusted. I have the weirdest wants, eh? I want to buy mochi mochi and eat ice popsicles and look at the er hu performer. hmmm, maybe i should whine the boyfriend into agreeing to go with me. then i would have a reason to pon Stats tomorrow. can't wake up to go back to sleep in class. hiak hiak.

The Sun is Slowly Emerging

The Sun Is Slowly Emerging

Lol, i think i worried a few people with the last entry. I'm fine now, really! But i suppose it was bound to happen, this sudden outburst of helplessness. Seeing how i took on so much responsibility at one time, the stress just kept building up. I cried for a while, but instead of feeling helpless and full of self-pity, i felt relief. The tears felt more like a release and was strangely comforting. I wasn't crying in despair; i was simply crying to remove certain craziness that i was feeling. And then i moved on. Sure, i still have lots to do and lots undone, but Shawn is right, i just need to prioritize. And i'm doing that now. Slowly working my way back to sanity.

Yesterday, i stayed in school till 8pm to collect a T-shirt that i bought during Patron's Day. I absolutely adore it! Certainly well worth the effort... Speaking of which, Aldric accompanied me till that time. He really is very, very nice and gentlemanly; never noticed till recently. He listens attentively even when i'm talking rot, opens doors without asking, went for dinner with me and bought me my drink while i waited for my food without me having to ask, agreed to accompany me till 8pm even though i only asked him in jest, and even volunteered to buy sweets when i started to cough after dinner. Very nice guy. guess chivalry isn't dead after all! lol, aiyah, yes Shawn, you are very nice too...

Take a look at my shirt! Yes, very vain, but i can't help it. It's ME....

Me wearing the shirt....

Me out of the shirt...

Close up shot!