A Lovely Ordinary Day

Haven't had one of those in a while. To revel in being simply ordinary. Finding pleasure in routine, and being unexpectedly surprised when I least expect it.

It was gonna be one of those days. School in the afternoon, a girls' night out in the evening. Nothing seemingly out of the ordinary. Maybe it was the shoes that put me in a good mood. Gorgeous shoes make me happy.

Shiny patent with snakeskin. How can one not feel happy simply looking at them?

Off to school I went, feeling positively happy and rather sexy, may I add. Besides, I was about to participate in a debate and there's nothing like good ol' linguistic and mental aerobics to get the old heart pumping.

Maybe it was the way the shoes were pinching my toes (I'm still pursuing my lifelong ambition of losing feeling in my toes so that I can wear absolutely horrendously painful shoes). Maybe I just like to argue and emerge victorious. Maybe I simply needed to let off some steam. Whatever the case, I skewered the opposition and did a mental victory lap when I felt them recoil at my aggressiveness and admit defeat. Oh yeah baby, victory is sweet.

Had to hang around school for a bit while I waited for the girls. Chilled out at the cozy and comforting BE Campus radio watching movies and Facebooking (I'm borderline obssessive). The pleasant surprise came in the form of Shah gifting me with a friendship keychain. It was so unexpected, so sweet that I couldn't stop grinning. Good friend, he is.

We finally made our way to the NUS Law School for an outdoor screening of Breakfast at Tiffany's. Audrey Hepburn, relatively cheap booze and good friends... Can you say great evening?

And being US, we camwhored as usual. Besides, nostalgia hit us with a vengence and being at the old campus surrounded us with sweet memories of our youth. Has it really only been 2 1/2 years since we were last at Bukit Timah?

Shaky group photo courtesy of Tan Li Qin's unsteady hands. Haha!

Shaky booze shot courtesy of Aw Jialing's unsteady hands. (!!!)

The camera people got progressive better.

The posters touted that tiny screen as BIG. Law people need to get some perspective. But I have to admit, sitting on the ground, with the overcast skies and familiar buildings surrounding us... it was nice. Almost like a hippy vibe going on. People were lying on picnic mats, drinking beer, lounging about the campus. Haha, the 3 of us felt like intruders. We were possibly the only non-NUS people around.

I really like my shoes, ok?

And if we worried about sticking out like a sore thumb, that feeling basically went out the window when we decided to do the SMU jump. Hey, it may be the NUS Law Faculty now, but it'd always be our roots, ok? They even kept the same building names!

Unfortunately, my top kept flying up when I jumped. Some of the photos are rather indecent. Sigh.

It took us numerous tries before we perfected the timing. I think the other people thought we were complete idiots. Oh well.

Jump! Take 1...

Jump! Take 2...

Finally! Success! I should have tucked my legs in more.

After all that exhuasting jumping, we took it down a notch and decided to jump pose and look cool.

Not contented with posing at the Federal building, we wondered around the school, pointing out things that had changed, and things that were still so achingly familiar. The Vietnam cafe was no longer in existence. The place of deliciously thick and fabulous sandwiches. Food Haven had been obliterated. Ficus was now a place of memories. They renamed the library. And on and on it went.

Look! It's Manasseh Meyer!

Kicking up their heels...

We are such unimaginative people. Ran out of ideas so decided the classic was still the best. Jump we shall!

The old campus holds many fond memories for me. I still remember coming for the selection interview, competing with 9 other candidates for a coveted position in SMU. Writing a stupid essay about a 50-cent coin. Being forced to do stupid things on the upper quad for freshmen camp. Buying books for the first time and cursing SMU Verts for their ineffective ways. Being absolutely spooked out by the School of Accountancy's lift as it had 2 doors, but one was always shut. It was rumoured that if that door ever opened, your time was up... Running up the slope when I was late for morning class. Strolling through Botanical Gardens to get to school when I was early. Stopping every few minutes to greet or talk to someone as the community was so tight and everyone knew each other. Sitting at the Vietnamese cafe drinking coffee and checking out the hot exchange students who hung out there regularly.

Such precious memories. Committed to my head and heart. Holding them dear as I draw ever closer to my graduation.

I'm getting old.

Flirt

I think women give off a lot of mixed signals when they are around guys. This may be a generalization, but women tend to flirt when around men, consciously or otherwise. Do we do it for the thrill of the chase, to bounce off signals and see if we get anything in return, to feel desirable, or do we do things without even realizing its impact?

All these thoughts hit me today when I was recording my weekly radio show with my co-host, Shah. Around guys that I have known for a while (and sometimes guys whom I do not know at all), I would, I dunno, tease and flirt a little. Everything completely harmless. And usually, I don't realize that I'm doing such things until some one (usually a girl) points it out. But for some reason, I felt like I was a separate entity watching "Joanne" interact with Shah.

I didn't even mean anything serious. Things like looking at him mischieviously with a twinkle in my eye, teasing him to provoke some kind of response, doing shoulder bumps to make a point, leaning into his personal space to read what he is reading... I wasn't trying to create any romantic illusions. Honestly.

Somehow, call it female intuition or whatever, I noticed a subtle change in his attitude. Almost as if the air changed, or his attitude towards me changed. So did my actions provoke some kind of reaction? I think so. Was I flirting? Perhaps. Why? I honestly have no idea.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not attempting to jump into another relationship. I'm not trying to create any kind of romantic spark. I'm not trying to provoke a reaction to show that I'm still desirable to men. It's just something I think I always do, and I wonder how many people I might have misled into thinking that I was into them, when all I was doing was playing?

I guess it's ok when both parties know that it's harmless and flirt for the fun and heck of it. You know the scenario: Boy and girl exchange signals all in the name of fun. It's fun to have that zing. As long as you know the zing is innocent. I'm not sure if I'm making enough sense.

But I don't think I'm alone on this. I guess a lot of it is really subconscious and depends on how the other party interprets the signal. How much the other party wants it to mean something.

The mating game is never easy. I suppose the only way we can possibly find a right partner is if we keep trying, keep sending out signals, and hope that eventually, some of those signals come back positive. So even around friends, we unconsciously/consciously (whatever, take your pick) send out signals, just to see if anything would happen.

This sounds like a pointless entry. Just an observation on my part. I attribute this reflection to something else, but since I've washed enough dirty laundry in public, I shall say no more.

I thought that I could be a bigger person, I really thought that I had the emotional maturity to handle being friends with the ex.

Well, I thought wrong. Li Wern is right, I don't have to always put on such a brave front.

I don't understand why the hell I still care so much for Fadz. To the extent that I'm willing to make myself miserable in a bid to comfort him in his time of heartache, listening to his pining and moaning, all the while dying on the inside. Ah, the beauty of electronic communication. I can type one thing while meaning another.

I suppose that's what people mean by I need to love myself more. I was so determined to help him feel better, to help him through his passage of darkness, even if it meant plunging myself back into the cycle of misery. I was still desperately trying to show that I'd be there for him, that I wanted to know him better, to unlock his psyche.

But all he did was cause me more pain. He never asked how I felt. He never approached unless it was to seek solace. And stupidly, I kept giving.

Ah, why are women so stupid? But it finally struck me. I thought our friendship was very important. But how important can it be when it's a one-sided affair? Letting him get fat on my giving, while I torture myself and waste away?

And so I told him I could no longer be there for him, at least when it came to relationship woes. But I was willing to be his friend in other areas. He seemed pissed off, as if I was being unreasonable, which only strengthened my resolve.

It takes 2 hands to clap. If our friendship really means/meant anything to him, he'd understand that. But if he takes this as an offense, or thinks that I'm obviously not a good friend for not being there for him in his time of need.. well, I suppose that's not much of a friendship anyway. He's always been selfish. I thought he was the most giving person in the world. Turns out, he only gives what he feels comfortable giving, never bothering to put himself out there for anyone.

"You need to love yourself more." I think I finally get what that means. Making hard decisions now so that I can be happy in the long run. If we truly are meant to stay in touch, it would happen. If not, then I guess Fadz would fall into the annuls of time and join the memories of others who were once important in my life, but have since fallen by the wayside.

I'm really thankful for some people in my life. The ones who have listened to my litany of whining, endured my sadness and sullen behavior, the constant spacing out, the lack of motivation.... thank you one and all.

I think I can safely say I'm on the road to recovery.

I met Li Wern last night. And I don't know if I've ever said it to her, or shown enough appreciation. Babe, you are one heck of a woman, a great friend, and you've got plenty of balls. And I adore you for it. Thank you so much for not treating me like a flower and shaking some hard facts into me. I needed a wake up call.

And surprisingly, I've reconnected with an old friend. Someone whom I thought had disappeared from my life. But when he recognized my signs of distress, he approached. He allowed me to seek solace. He listened, he comforted, he gave advice. Especially today... Aldric's going through a lot of personal shit himself. And I thought I'd be a good friend and give him comfort. In the end, he was so nice, so understanding, so patient... that my emotions overtook me for a minute and it all came bursting out. I felt bad burdening him further. But he was there. He was comforting. He held my hand and that was enough. He wiped away my tears as the waterfall cascaded down my cheeks.

But I do believe I've shed my last tears. Yes, I'm still friends with Fadz. Why, you ask? Because I realize that I do not have many close male friends. Most guys are afraid of me and I hate it when they give me nicknames or hold up their hands as a shield against my apparent aggressiveness. But Fadz (when we're not in a relationship), Aldric, Shawn and Alwin aren't afraid of me. I don't feel like I need to hold back or act softer in front of them. I am perfectly comfortable being who I am and they are ok with that. That's hard to find. And so, I rather keep a friend around.

Besides, I refuse to be victimised. I wasn't. Things didn't work out, things may have sucked, but I'm nobody's victim. Fadz had a bout of karma hit him. But I'm not gloating. Seriously. I even comforted him. Nobody deserves to be treated like that.

The only way I can move on is if I can forgive him and me. So I will.

I was/am such a stupid, stupid fool. All that time, all those emotions and effort invested into something that was disintegrating. I just chose not to recognize it.

Stupid, blind, foolish fool. A hopeless romantic and a pathetic soul. That's who I am.

But the finality of the issue has finally hit me. Am I sad? Definitely. Grieving? Probably. I've received more answers but I'm not too sure if ignorance would not have served me better in my time of healing. In my pursuit of the truth, I received answers that cut me to the bone and shattered my already frail heart further. But at least he was honest. Or maybe, he was too devastated with his own problems and let his guard down, allowing me to probe for the answers that I desperately craved.

Torture, I'm torturing myself needlessly. But at least now I really, really understand. Am I happy about it? Definitely not. Am I pissed off? Most assuredly. But do I recognize the situation for what is it? Yes. I can finally say yes. No more denial, no more hope, no more wanting, no more interest.

I'm done.

Empowerment

To all the ladies in a predicament similar to mine.. this song is dedicated to you...

歌曲：分手快乐
歌手：梁静茹

我无法帮你预言
委曲求全有没有用
可是我多么不舍
朋友爱的那么苦痛
爱可以不问对错
至少有喜悦感动
如果他总为别人撑伞
你何苦非为他等在雨中
泡咖啡让你暖手
想挡挡你心口里的风
你却想上街走走
吹吹冷风会清醒的多
你说你不怕分手
只有一点遗憾难过
情人节就要来了
剩自己一个
其实爱对了人
情人节每天都过
分手快乐
祝你快乐
你可以找到更好的
不想过冬
厌倦沉重
就飞去热带的岛屿游泳
分手快乐
请你快乐
挥别错的才能和对的相逢
离开旧爱
像坐慢车
看透彻了心就会是晴朗的
没人能把谁的幸福没收
你发誓你会活的有笑容

And I will smile again. Seriously. :)

One Step At A Time

Since I do not have money for therapy, I turned to the net for some healing advice. That's when I chanced upon this ebook, How To Be Happy and Have Fun Changing the World by Michael Anthony. Have been reading it during class cos it's so much more engaging. And even though some of the stuff seems very obvious, reading it repeatedly makes me think and analyse more closely. And yeah, this guy makes sense.

Anytime you have any degree of hate, greed, jealousy, and fear or multiple combinations of these emotions, you immediately lower your brain’s chemistry and your ability to reason and function at a high level. Your negative emotions are the cause of most of your bad decisions, actions and unhappiness you experience in your life. The rest is caused by ignorance or lack of self-awareness.

How simple, but how true. When I think back on the numerous stupid things I did to make Fadz pay attention to me, to cling on, to make him feel something long after his heart had died... such actions were motivated mostly by the fear of losing him, jealousy of Wendy and other negative feelings. Right now, I think of him and the feelings usually associated are regret and pain. That has to stop. If I keep associating thoughts of him with sadness, I will never be able to climb out of the well of self-pity. But if I remember the happy times we had together and just stopped there, then I'd be filled with happy memories. A person deserves that kinda happiness and peace, right?

A relationship is not about regrets. I'm only punishing myself by replaying scenarios in my head, hating him, loving him, asking "What ifs" and "If only". In forgiveness, forgiving both him and me, I shall regain my focus and balance.

I don't need him to worry about me. I don't need any pity, guilt. I'm my own person and I was so before I met him. And I'd be that again after him. My life goes on and I'm looking forward to better things. =)

Photos!

Ok, my posts of late have been waaaayyyyy too depressing. I'm giving myself 1 more week to wallow a little, to sniffle, to grieve, to pine... and then no more. October 23. Mark that date. 1 month from D-Day. And that would be it. Fadz admitted that I was too aggressive for him. His loss. It's time I found a real man anyway. The whole SNAG thing was cute but really, I need an equal. Not someone who couldn't take me on, and resorted to sulks and silence. Enough.

First up... KL! I know, I know.. you people would probably think that we went on a holiday instead of a school field trip to do field research... and well, yeah, your assessment wouldn't be wrong. We did research for like, 1/2 a day? The rest of the trip was occupied with having fun, fun and more fun.

On the road to Mandalay... I mean Malaysia....


Lunch at a Malaccan restaurant, Restoran Lee. Not bad... typical 10-course Chinese mean. LOL, the ang mohs were suitable horrified at our communal eating.


Kristin and I shared a room while Jialing was with this other girl, Hui Wen. But for 2 nights, Miss Aw decided to bunk in with us... And yes, we camwhored a lot.


See! We did do work ok! We had to interview Indian restaurants in Little India...

Ah, the very delectable Chris. Yummy.

Girls' Night Out in KL! We hung out at a Rock Club, which we kinda left in a hurry because 2 old, gross ang mohs were trying to work up the courage to approach Jialing. LOL.


Girls will be girls lah...


Had to eat Secret Recipe there man. It's half-price!


Our one shot in the club :)

And we came back in time for the gathering at Greg's House. As previously mentioned.. I went around taking photos with a whole bunch of guys... Ah well...


The oldies club: Me, Li Qin, Jia Ling, Yee Jing, David


This is Yan Shiun, Volleyball President when I was Treasurer.


Ong Wei Wei, President of Beach Volleyball Brunch and resident joker... I told him to look his best.. so he gave his "cool" look... haiz..

And this is Greg. Quite cute right? Unfortunately, he has a little something-something going on with this other chick... But whatever! Good for looking at... hahaha...

Noah, some San Francisco dude whom they met at the beach.


David Aw who looks perpetually drunk... haiz...


I super like this picture. Damn kawaii right?

The super late Jian Feng. Come at 11 when people are going home. Humpf.

We went clubbing the next day. Please bear in mind that this was break week, hence the seemingly endless supply of energy.

I met Jialing earlier to check out her boyfriend's band, Black Star, playing at DXO that night. The crowd consisted of all their friends (grand total of 30 people!), but their sound is pretty good. You can check our Jialing's boyfriend here.

Onward to Double O! It was depressing to see the crowd consisted mainly of boys younger than us... haiz...

I love this picture. This is us still sober.

Won't last for long...

Sip, sip, sip...

Once again, David Aw manages to look drunk even though he did not touch a sip of alcohol. Sheesh.

Yup, I would say we were pretty much gone at this point.

Tsk tsk... haha!

Thanks girls! It was fun!

So I suppose the key is to keep busy. I need a new hobby. Oh yeah, and activity partners. I love movies. Holler if you wanna catch something! =)

Ah, the world is such a better place when your mind becomes fuzzy and your blood turns into alcohol.

Been drinking quite a bit lately. First at Greg's house for the volleyball gathering where I made an ass out of myself taking pictures with all the (cute) guys available. Then a bunch of us hit double o last night for drinks and dancing. I could only conclude that I am getting old when the guys all looked younger than me and my legs started aching after a bit of booty shaking.

Oh well.

And I was acting completely out of character. I knew EXACTLY what the hell I was doing, knew EXACTLY what the hell I was saying. The girls were in the toilet and I chose to let rip a string of rubbish in front of David. Could I have stopped myself from bahaving like a blathering idiot? Absolutely. I just chose not too. There's something incredibly liberating about being able to yell and scream and not think about the consequences. David recoiled in horror. That was funny.

I know Jialing is gonna say I'm being over-dramatic. Well, yes, I suppose I am. But life is so colourless unless you infuse it with drama and energy. I just sometimes choose to overdo it. Let loose all my inhibitions. Forgo sanity and dignity. Go to the brink of insanity and hopefully be able to pull back in time.

I'm being so irrational right now. Life goes on and I go through the mechanics of it. At least I'm not crying anymore. But the moment I start to feel, to think, to regret, to hope, to linger, to wish... the world becomes too painful again. So I choose to bury it all.

I hope he's happy. Nah, scratch that. I'm not THAT noble. I hope he's fucking miserable. Fucked up and being a mindless zombie. I hope he's feeling interminable pain and regret and missing me like shit. I hope he feels like his world is falling apart.

Haha, such empty, hurtful, spiteful words. But I know it's not true. He's let go of emotional baggage that's been building up over the years and I can only imagine how happy he is right now. But I shall not ponder too much about that point, because that would only make me more miserable.

And I've realized that I can't go on one night stands, I abhore the idea of making out with a total stranger. Flirtations aside, my emotions are wound too tightly for me to pretend that any of it can be meaningless. I need my connections. I need to feel like I belong and attached to something.

Back and forth, back and forth, the pendulum of my emotions swing. Vigorously, spinning out of control, rocking violently, trying to find equilibrium. I think I'd be better off as a mindless zombie.

Don't worry, no suicidal thoughts, no slutty inclinations, no hysterical breakdown. Still looking for jobs, still studying for tests, still doing my projects. Like I said, the mechanics of life. So much less complicated. I don't have to feel, just have to do it. And so I do.

Hello, I'm back from KL. How was KL? LOL, Kristin, Jialing and I made a pact: "What happens in KL, stays in KL." Teeheehee....

Sigh, I thought the trip abroad would help me recharge and regain my balance in life. I was perfectly fine in KL, when I was away from everything that reminded me of Fadzli. But the moment I stepped back in Singapore, everything came crashing back down on me. Crap, do I need to leave the country permanently to find some peace of mind?

I've been reading my my old diary entries (yes, I do keep the traditional form) and to my horror, I realized what a big joke I've played on myself all these years. You see, Fadzli and I broke up way back in J2 for pretty much the same reasons. Only that time, I did the merciless heartbreaking because I felt that I wasn't being loved and treated well enough by Fadz, who's notoriously insensitive, clueless and uncommunicative. But he came after me. And my puny, weak heart caved in even though my head screamed "Noooo!!!"

I even penned down this thought, "Hope I'm not making a big mistake and setting myself up for a second round of heartbreak". Haha, I must have psychic powers.

Here I was, thinking that Fadz had changed and that caused the breakup. Guess my peabrain really does forget bad things easily. NOTHING HAS CHANGED. HISTORY IS MERELY REPEATING ITSELF. I thought that with time, we would grow to understand each other more. I thought with time, we would open up to each other more and learn that relationships are about compromises. I thought we would grow together and weather all kinds of calamity.

I thought wrong.

We never grew together, we merely grew apart. Our relationship was so separated from the rest of our lives that it was like an entity unto itself. Sucking the life out of both of us because we didn't know what to do with it. We didn't deal, we merely tried to barricade it, fixing the leaks with shoddy patchwork. Until all hell broke loose.

He broke up with me. I went after him. Except his head is stronger than his heart. He knew it was time. He knew it was the right thing to do. And so he's sticking to his guns. This is it.

I feel like laughing. I feel like the biggest cosmic joke has been played on me. Karma. Retribution. It's like shouting a huge "I told you so!" at myself. Wow, if I had stuck to my decision, I'm sure a 1-year relationship would have been easier to deal with post-break up than a 5-year one. But instead, I chose to inflict more pain not only on myself, but on Fadz too. I should be thanking Fadz for finally having the guts to end this.

So why do I feel like putting my head in my hands and crying until I stop feeling altogether?

Hello from KL (I'm in KL for a school trip, by the way)! I'm typing this in a dingy internet cafe across my hotel. The entrance to the cafe is all blackened and you can't see in. If I wasn't so desperate to send off some homework due at 12 midnight today, I wouldn't have gambled like this.

So how was the movie thingy with Fadz? Awkward at best. I just didn't know what kind of mood I should be in, how I should behave, whether the things I did or say would be misinterpreted as girlfriend-y. Erm, so I think I was pretty sour or stoned most of the time. Crapz.

I mean, we were shopping for some shoes and watching a movie... things we used to do as a couple. I can't remember the last time I went out with a guy friend and did such things. It's usually my girly mates whom I do such activities with. Man, I totally have to start dating.

He tried to carry my laptop, as he usually does. I didn't know whether he was merely being gentlemanly, or acting out of habit, but I panicked and SNATCHED my laptop back from him. He looked stunned and then stopped. Talk about awkward.

And when we were buying food to eat in the movie theatre, he said "Can we have...." and I blanched a little. "We" sounds so strange now, like a foreign entity that is silently mocking me. I need to get used to being me, just lonesome little me.

In the movie theatre, I found myself naturally leaning towards him before I caught myself in the act and leaned all the way to the opposite side. And to make sure I didn't do something stupid like reach out to him (old habits die hard), I wrapped my arms around my leg. Thank god it was a documentary and not some sappy romance comedy.

I think I wanted to meet up with him to test my reaction, and see how he would react around me. On my side, I don't think I'm ready yet. Still not ready to, or able to, act just like a friend in front of him. All the tiny habits that I've developed over the years came back to haunt me and it felt so awkward having to watch myself constantly so that I don't do something weird. As for him, he seemed totally nonchalant, as if I was indeed merely a friend.

Time to keep away girl. Well, at least until 20 November. We bought tickets to see Linkin Park in concert!!!!! Hopefully by then, I'd either be having a meaningless fling/gotten over him/developed a thick shell so that I don't take things so personally. It's time to be all about me. =)

When they say love is blind, they didn't mention just HOW blind a person can be.

It's only when I remove myself from the situation and take a step back, do I start to see the cracks that had been there for a long time, merely kept from ripping apart by a couple of flimsy bandages. Well, the seams have finally split and I doubt it'd ever be reconciliable. Or whether I would want to reconcile.

Throughout JC, we were naively hopeful that our differences could be worked out eventually. Of course, the close proximity and daily contact helped because we constanted talked through our difficulties and differences. Moreover, it was still in the developmental stages and we wanted to know everything about each other, so changes were acceptable.

When Fadz entered the army, I have to say his growth was severely curbed. His personality transformed at a snail pace, if at all, and it was easy to relate to one another. Moreover, we saw so little of each other that we were contented to keep things quid pro quo.

But once Fadz hit university, his world opened up. It was like walking out of a daze. He suddenly discovered that he had changed, changed a lot, but he hadn't let those changes be factored into our relationship because it seemed like we were holding on to something from the past. We held on to past memories, we didn't allow ourselves to examine the possibility that we had changed, that our expectations and needs had changed.

We met up on so few occasions that we kept falling back into habit, into what we knew was safe, maintained perceptions about the other person that were of the past, all the while not acknowledging that things were no longer the same.

Fadz got hit by a case of really late puberty. He still doesn't know who he is right now, so how can i claim to love him now?

And that's true. I've been loving a memory of him, memories of us. I was so enamoured with the idea of being in love, maybe coupled with the fear of being alone, that I tried not to rock the boat. Didn't dare probe and question and learn more about the new Fadz because I was afraid that I wouldn't like the new him, or the new him wouldn't like me. So we stopped communicating. And I foolishly let myself be swept up by gestures, with mouthed platitudes, not caring whether they were real or not. I simply wanted to be in love, not really caring with whom and for what. I failed to learn about Fadz. And I do believe it has been the case for the past 1 1/2 years.

And that's why I want to be friends with Fadz. Because we ARE good friends. I merely fooled myself into believing that the romantic gestures were signs of our love, when they were merely that, gestures. We click well, we talk and laugh, but that doesn't mean we are suited for a relationship. To really get to know the other person, make sacrifices, be considerate and sensitive and mindful of the other person's feelings. To be exclusive even. Maybe it was all too much too soon.

Ah, a grand teenage love. The dreaminess of a future, unrealistic expectations, stifled feelings in the belief that love should be above everything else. That we could survive cultural, background, family, economic, mindset differences. And it truly took the idealistic nature of 2 young people in love to believe all that. But we're older now. We've grown up. I'm still growing up and developing my emotional maturity. Still developing ideas of what I really need out of a man.

And the overarching criteria that I really need is security. I'm not too sure Fadz ever gave me that. Emotionally, financially, family approval, sensitivity, possessiveness... there always seemed to be something lacking. I thought I was demanding; turns out, I was simply settling. Choosing to ignore these huge and tangible differences because I thought love could conquer all. Ah! The grand notion of love. Do I even get what real love is?

I don't know what the future holds, all I know is, there's no going back. The paths of Fadz and I once crossed, but now they are moving in very different directions. Would they cross again in the future? I really have no idea, and frankly, I highly doubt it. We are simply too different. But as a first love, it definitely will be memorable. All those highs and lows. A painful ending, but I probably made it more painful than it had to be. Stubborness. Blinded and refusing to see what was in front of me.

But hey, I appreciate that I still have a movie buddy, because really, it's amazing how similar our tastes are and how difficult it is to find a good movie buddy. Blockbusters? Not a problem. But if I want to watch documentary like Sicko? Now that's a problem. In fact, we're watching Sicko on Friday. No expectations, no hopes, just friends. I think it'd be fun. :) And we can still talk about football because it seems like I've developed a genuine fondness for it. And he's still quite a good listener when he wants to be, so yeah, we'd see how that goes.

My future is in front of me. My career is beckoning me to take a step forward and for too long, I've held back in fear that I'd change too much, that it'd destroy the relationship. Well, no more burden, no more worries. It'd be about me now. :)

Thanks to everyone who has listened to my litany of whining, bitching, self-recrimination, tears and whatnot. Thanks to everyone who offered encouragement, support and a listening ear. You know who you are. Good friends, good friends. :)

Looks like I may have lost my boyfriend, but at least I managed to salvage a friendship. I dunno how it would work out, and I'm not too sure how affected I'd be when he gets attached to a new girl, but for now, I'm glad I haven't totally ruled him out of my life.

We may not have worked romantically but I think as friends, we had some good times, some good laughs. We enjoy each other's company, just talking and hanging out. I hope that we can at least maintain that.

But I really get it now. It's time for closure. There's no point in hanging on, and I can't find a new guy until I let myself heal and love myself again right? There's simply too much baggage, quite a bit of resentment on his side, and annoyance on mine.I need a man who would love me completely, and accept me as I am. Because I am tough. I am forceful. I can be domineering. And I need a real man to take care of me. It's like I'm tough, but I'm a 小女人 who wants my man to take care of me, while respecting that in fact, I can do it myself, I just don't want to.

Fadz couldn't handle me? Then it's his loss. I'm back and badder than ever. And it's time for me to graduate into the league of real men.

Sigh, I'm so terribly weak. I called Fadzli this morning. I know, I know, what the hell am I thinking right? It wasn't another plea to get back together, but rather, I needed to hear him speak and tell me what was really going on in his mind. The past few days saw me talking and talking, making inferences and stories and examples, but I never really gave him a chance to speak.

Well, it seems like the lack of communication thing wasn't just a couple of months in the making, but rather, a few years. I think we were doomed from the beginning. Sure, opposites attract because something different always seems new and shiny. But in the end, it's the common things that keep people together.

We had very different expectations that we never voiced out. Fadz needed someone who was involved in all aspects of his life and shared common goals. He thought that I could be that person, but in truth, I wasn't. I was there for some things, but wasn't that interested, or couldn't understand, other aspects. So he sought other people who could fill up this gap. He has historically always found it easily to make friends with girls and so those were the people whom he sought. To me, it looked like playing the field and I grew distrustful and disliked those girls intensely.

As for me, I had my own expectations too. Fadz is a notorious non-communicator and every emotion that I wrought out of him was hard fought. To me, I already have notions of what a boyfriend should or should not do, and when he finally accomplished something that I needed, I felt like it was a "given", instead of recognizing it for what it really was. Effort. I never made him feel appreciated. In some sense, in the early years that was how he made me feel cos he was incredibly blunt and insensitive, and I felt underappreciated. So when the tables were turned, I dunno, maybe subconsciously I was paying him back?

It keeps swirling in my head that I was not enough for him. He needs so much emotional support that in the end, it was simply too draining for me. And so I had 2 options: let him get emotionally involved with other people or not. So when I gave him the ultimatum to choose between Wendy or me, it was the straw that broke the camel's back. That's when he knew things were irreparable. He simply couldn't and wouldn't. To him, it felt like a huge loss because he had already invested so much emotionally in her, and all his friends, for that matter.

"It's a Catch 22." That's what he said to me. If I gave him a free rein, it would hurt me incredibly because I'm not that magnanimous. I would like to see a female who is. But if I restrained him, he would only get more and more resentful.

But the biggest blow is that he didn't find losing me to be a great loss. He felt RELIEVED, dammit. Had he really detached himself so much from me that I was merely a transient being in his life? All the "I love yous", all the hugs, the kisses.... towards the end it was all lies. Merely out of habit or to pacify me.

So I guess it was for the best. Getting back together would have been a mistake because we simply aren't what we need at this point. Or maybe, we never were. I need someone to openly show that he loves me, that he get s me, to not assume that I get subtlety because I truly don't. And in return, Fadz needs someone who can pick out the tiniest details or the smallest change in moods without him needing to tell. Obvious vs subtle. 2 very different beings.

How much of a further mismatch can you get?

Time. I'm playing the waiting game. Waiting until the memories fade into the recesses of my mind, waiting until I can one day think about Fadz and not feel pain and regret. Simply waiting.

I wonder how long it'd take for this dull ache to go away. When I'm doing things, I can lock away such feelings. But on occasions, when I'm left to my own thoughts, the dullness of ache creeps all over me.

I guess I'm asking for it, subjecting myself to self-flagellation. I have been regularly checking Fadz's Friendster and Facebook account, just to see what's up with him. And I contacted one of his friends. Don't ask me why. Once again, impulse took over and I went with it.

I guess I wanted to see things from his perspective and since we weren't talking, I might as well get the intel from one of his closest friends. She says he's confused. But don't worry, I didn't take it to heart. Because why should I be surprised that he's feeling sad? He's probably blaming himself, just like I have been. But I know that's not a reason to maintain hope. There's no turning back now. To some extent, I'm getting pissed off that he's acting like the injured party. Hello! Perspective here! You pushed me away, and now you're acting like I disappointed you??? Fucker.

But one thing Junni (Fadz's friend) said that struck a chord with me was that it seemed like I needed Fadz more than he needed me. My first reaction was indignation, like, this bitch doesn't even know me, how dare she comment on our relationship? So in that spirit, I fired off a less-than-courteous message to her. But that line has been swirling around in my head and I suppose there's some truth there. I definitely depended on him more than he depended on me. I needed him on so many levels. He was my Asset but I felt like his Liability. And that fed on my insecurities as everyone wants to feel needed, right? He was my top priority and I never did things that I thought would disrespect him, like try to get close to another guy. But he didn't pay me the same respect. Guess it boiled down to me not really mattering that much to him. Or I was so good at bolstering his ego that he took me for granted.

So I bet you're asking "then why the hell do I still want to be with this bastard who's making me miserable?" I dunno. Maybe I'm making him out to be worse than he is. Maybe it's because I've become so dependent on him I've lost my spine and will to stand on my own 2 feet. Maybe I'm really this horrible monster and no one would love me to the degree that would make me happy.

But that doesn't stop me from jumping everytime I hear my phone ring. Or looking out for signs that point towards Fadz needing me too. I think he's blocked me on msn. I know I said we couldn't be friends, but that's such a pity. I really do enjoy talking to him.

Time. Time moves on. I need to move on. I just dunno how.

The Hairy Transformation

Nothing like a breakup to make you evaluate your life. Or do a drastic change. I decided it was time to feel happy. 4 days of tears and self-doubt is enough. So I did something positive.

I cut my hair. Nothing like some pampering to make me feel better. And while it's different, and I'm trying to find my best angle, I think I look younger and chicer. I'm healing. I just need to keep myself busy. No more brooding. :)


19th September...

21st September...

And then the transformation takes place...

Look so auntie, right?

Darling Ah Huang who was there with me through my experience...


And the cutting starts! I look apprehensive cos I've had long hair for a really long time and she was making the first cut.


Snip snip snip...


Wow! That's a lot of hair! It's like a scene out of The Ring!


Taking shape...


Smile! The final product!


Ok, time to strike a few more poses...

It's amazing how much a person can change just by snipping away a few follicles. I feel light. That's a good sign. Now I just need to work on the eye bags bit.

旧的不去,新的不来, right?

It was so difficult being strong. And so I wrote a letter to him, pouring my heart out to him. I put my last ounce of hope and optimism for US in that letter. I wrote it yesterday early morning and was still writing when I had to leave for school to take a Corp. Reporting test. So I zipped down to his place in a cab to pass him the letter. Just looking at him, so peaceful in sleep, squeezed my heart tremendously. And I left before he was fully conscious of what was happening.

No bets on how I did on the test.

And for the rest of the day, I kept waiting for some contact from him. Just to give me an answer, provide me with some peace of mind if it was really hopeless. As the minutes of silence ticked by, a part of me kept dying and yet, I couldn't stop my stupid heart from hoping. Hoping that he'd be touched and affected by what I said, I kept pointlessly and senselessly hoping that something sparked in his heart. And so I kept waiting.

He finally called me around 10pm. My heart skipped a beat and I didn't know what to expect. I told myself to be reasonable and not have grand expectations, but my stupid, stupid heart wouldn't shut up.

It seems like my letter did make him think, but it wasn't enough in the end. I kept reaching out to his heart and head, but when he finally did examine what he was feeling as opposed to what he was thinking, he realized that he had turned cold towards me. He still cared about me as a friend, but he couldn't, didn't want to deal with me and my issues as a girlfriend anymore. He had turned cold. Heart as hard and cold as ice. There was nothing left. And he didn't want to open his heart up to disappointment again.

Oh yeah, and there's a girl. Wendy. Even her name sickens me. When we stopped communicating, he sought solace and comfort from her. And somehow, along the line, he developed something more for her. While it's nothing full blown yet, it made him re-evaluate what he wanted.

Yup, that's what he said. He said he doesn't know what he wants. He doesn't know the person he is becoming and he is still in the process of developing and understanding himself better. Hence, he doesn't know whether I'm the one for him. I once was, but now, now that we're both changing, he doesn't know anymore.

Well, it seems pretty clear that he doesn't want me. HE DOESN'T WANT ME FOR THE PERSON I AM. It just hurts so much. Knowing that I wasn't enough, knowing that he wants to be with someone else. It hurts so badly. I feel like I should be angry at him, and scream and yell at him for the betrayal, and yet, I can't. I just can't. Not yet anyway. I need to kill off my heart first. Pull the plug and let my feelings die off. How can I blame him completely when I wasn't putting in enough effort either? I do blame him to some extent, but not enough to put this whole issue on his shoulders.

Time. They always say I need time to heal. But in the mean while, life goes on. Life goes on with so much mundaneness and is so ordinary it's almost like a cruel joke. I thought time would stand still, that I couldn't even move. But life goes on right? Life moves ahead and I can't do anything but be swept along. Even as my heart shatters into millions of pieces, even as I feel that I can't breathe, I can't think, I can't bare to feel... life goes on. Papers must still be written, classes must still be attended, jobs to be comtemplated. Life goes on.

Right now, perhaps that's the best I can hope for.

Goodbye

We broke up.

I guess it was a long time coming. I suppose in some sense I was still trying to believe that it wasn't the end. You don't spend 5 years with a person and think it's over just like that, you know?

I hated being so clingy. Things pretty much disintegrated on Sunday, but I couldn't believe it. I just couldn't. And I couldn't forgive myself if I didn't at least try. So I held on. I asked him to reconsider. We talked and talked and talked and made ourselves believe that it could work out, just this one more time.

But we were merely bluffing ourselves. Or maybe, it was just me. He was so final. He was so calm and composed, so clinical in the manner he finished things. I wouldn't say I was dumped because at some level, I agreed with him. Things simply weren't working out. We are who we are, and we kept making excuses and compromises. In the end, things don't change. People don't change. And we weren't happy. I was merely flogging a dead horse.

And so we're done. It's surprisingly easy how fast you can wipe away traces of a relationship. Change a couple of details on Friendster and Facebook, delete away the messages and pictures, change passwords. Electronically, everything was so easy to wipe out. 5 years, and it came down to that. He too. He changed everything almost immediately. Like it was so simple to erase me away.

I was so pathetic. I kept pushing and squeezing, trying to find even just ONE spark of hope left. Just one bit. But there was none. He stopped loving me. He thought he could try to love me again, but he was just lying to himself. He said I expected too much of him. In my defence, he kept up a false bravado even in front of me. He said it was to please me. But that meant I never really understood him. Or maybe I was trying to mold my toad into my Prince Charming.

The fairy tale has ended. To think we used to plan our future together. I guess our teenage relationship couldn't survive adulthood, not without communication. We didn't communicate, simple as that. And when you start not seeing someone for a projected period of time, when you don't talk or interact for days on end, and when you do meet, it is kinda meaningless, I suppose it's inevitable that we ended up like that.

I should have seen it coming. So this is it. And yeah, we've broken up in the past before, but not because we had stopped loving each other, so we somehow always got back together. But this time, this time it's final. There's no more turning around. There's no more miracle, or light at the end of this incredibly dark tunnel. It's finished.

He's relieved, dammit. He's relieved that he can finally be who he really is. Ordinary. He said I kept pushing for him to be something he was not. Yeah, I expected him to be special, because I believed he could. My expectations were TOO MUCH.

Perhaps I was merely pretending that I could mold him to my liking. But I guess that's not how you treat a person right? And in the last few conversations, I realized that I was never truly satisfied with him. That we were both selfish. That I never compromised. So many regrets. But all a little too late. The revelations revealed themselves only at the end, when the smoke and mirrors had dissipated.

Nothing. Nothing left at all.

I lost my boyfriend and my best friend. But I don't think we can be friends, not soon anyway. Maybe it's time I enjoyed singlehood again, huh? 5 years. 5 years of my life. And a fresh beginning.

To anyone reading this, I'm still kinda raw. So if I don't smile as quickly as I used to, or joke as I used to, I hope you understand. It hurts.

Goodbye Fadzli. Thanks for everything. I didn't think it would end like this.

Better That We Break - Maroon 5

I never knew perfection til

I heard you speak, and now it kills me

Just to hear you say the simple things

Now waking up is hard to do

And sleeping is impossible too

Everything is reminding me of you

What can I do?

It’s not right, not OK

Say the words that you say

Maybe we’re better off this way?

I’m not fine, I’m in pain

It’s harder everyday

Maybe we’re better off this way?

It’s better that we break…

A fool to let you slip away

I chase you just to hear you say

You’re scared and that you think that I’m insane

The city look so nice from here

Pity I can’t see it clearly

While you’re standing there, it disappears

It disappears

It’s not right, not OK

Say the word it should say

Maybe we’re better off this way?

I’m not fine, I’m in pain

It’s harder everyday

Maybe we’re better off this way?

It’s better that we break

So you sitting all alone

You’re fragile and you’re cold, but that’s all right

Life these days is getting rough

They’ve knocked you down and beat you up

But it’s just a rollercoaster anyway, yeah

It’s not right, not OK

Say the words that you say

Maybe we’re better off this way?

I’m not fine, I’m in pain

It’s harder everyday

Maybe we’re better off this way?

I’m not fine, not OK

Say the words that you say

Maybe we’re better off this way?

I’m not fine, I’m in pain

It’s harder everyday

Maybe we’re better off this way?

It’s better that we break, baby

We sometimes choose to find solutions for the outward manifestation of a problem, rather than deal with the root of the problem. We prefer to ignore the ugly truth and hammer away at the surface, attempting to heal wounds that run too deep.

But in the end, in the end, the root always bubbles forth. In the end, the problem never goes away.

Ah humans! How blind we can be. Choosing to ignore what is right in front of us, afraid to face up to facts. Afraid of what the alternatives are, clinging on to memories that should have long faded into the past.

Maybe it's time I woke up and stopped trying to fool myself. Maybe it's time I stopped trying to fool the world and in return, cacoon myself in a blissful haze of ignorance.

Don't worry, it has nothing to do with Greg. He was merely a side distraction, an attempt at diverting my attention away from my problems. If nothing else, at least he gave me a reason to deal with the issues at hand.

Volleyball Lust

And so the love affair continues, even after my attempt at severing all ties. Despite having quit competitive volleyball, I find myself inexplicably drawn back to the court. The familiar stirrings of excitement, adrenaline pumping through my body, the suppressed passion for the game... it all came bubbling out like a burst fount as I watched on enviously as my (ex) team battled other schools in the Singapore Uni Games.

I wanted so badly to hop onto the court, so badly that after the matches ended, I stayed back to fool around with the ball. In a skirt. And high heels. Yes, it was a ludicrous image I created. And today saw me again playing volleyball in a short, tight denim skirt. Sigh, you can take the girl outta volleyball, but you can't take volleyball outta the girl.

There's just no way to describe how much volleyball means to me. Not just the game, but everything else it connotes. It's my history and represents some of the people I'm fondest of. It's where I learnt many lessons, expended my energy, ran loose and free. It represented freedom. And yet, I consciously chose not to play in my final sem. I chose not to play despite knowing that I'd probably never play indoor volleyball ever again, not to mention competitive volleyball. Was it the right move? I'm still questioning myself.

The volleyball team has also always been my extended family. We are close, we understand each other and even if we have not seen one another for a long time, it is with great ease that we fall back into rhythm and act as if time was but a mere nuisance and had no effect on friendships and ties. That is the power of a team.

Volleyball has also for the longest time charted my love (or lust?) life. The people that I have hankered after tend to be connected to volleyball in one way or the other. If you are not interested in reading about my pathetic love (lust?) life, you can stop here. From now on, it shall be a nauseating reminiscence of my ex-targets.

I joined volleyball way back in Sec 1. Coming from an ang moh school (I'm an RGPS alum ok!), and having previously been in wussy CCAs (Chinese dance, anyone?), joining a sport came as a surprise to everyone who knew me (my mum despaired as my fair complexion soon gave way to something that resembled a banglah). But it was exhilarating. Volleyball in Singapore is conducted in Chinese and yelling things out lustily in Chinese was a fun experience for me. Especially in English-accented Chinese. Anyway, the point I'm trying to make is that I grew to appreciate guys who were slightly ah beng, who spoke Chinese and who thought they were oh so cool. So I cast my amorous eyes towards the guys volleyball team and my gaze landed firmly on Hanxiong, this Sec 3 Normal Academic ah beng. He thought he was a demi-god. Moreover, his beng-ness added to his charm and when he played volleyball, it was amazing. He achieved incredible height when he jumped, he looked all sinewy and his muscles were taut and.... never mind. The crush lasted all of one week and ended abruptly when I heard him speak for the first time (previous meetings were conducted from afar). Hanxiong had a squeaky voice and that killed any passion I had for him.

It's interesting (to me) as I reflect on my taste in men, because I was in volleyball and choir in Sec 1 and there was this Sec 4 guy in choir who had an interest in me. We parlayed a little but there was this other girl who was into him. In the end, I basically yelled "Take him!" because when I lined him up against Hanxiong, there was no competition, you know? Angelic choir boy over the volleyball bad boy? No competition. Yes, even if the admiration was from a distance.

In Sec 2, I went crazy over a Sec 5 senior who again, was a volleyballer and a beng. He was from NA stream again, spoke Chinese and played volleyball well. I was in awe of his serve (told you I was a volleyball-geek). His serve was quick and powerful and he was such a delight to watch on court. As a setter, he was quick, nimble and had a roguish charm about him. I died a little everytime i watched him serve. How pathetic right? I even tried imitating his pattern, to great disaster. I got to know Zee Kiong a little better through his classmate (who happened to be my godbrother). We became friends eventually and that was that.

Fast forward to Sec 3 and the lust for volleyballers continued. The senior team was the same age as me and we were all great friends. I am ashamed to recount that due to the lack of (good) meat in the senior team, I found myself powerfully attracted to a younger guy. He redefined beng for me. A year younger than me, he was more muscular than my previous prototypes, incredibly tanned, he didn't walk, he swaggered, and he was captain of the junior team. I flirted like crazy with him. Sigh. Such bad taste. But watching him play volleyball was like having an orgasm. He was that good. Sigh. Sad to say, that stupid flirtation came to a miserable ending when he started dating my volleyball junior. I was miserable for a long period of time. And when they broke up 2 months later, I secretly rejoiced but couldn't be bothered with him anymore as I had a new distraction (in the yucky, yucky form of Bill. Pui! Let's just say he is a bitter, bitter memory. Non-volleyballer, from the school band. Big mistake on my part. Why did I like him? Cos he spoke English and SEEMED intelligent. I like extremes).

When I entered AJC, I stopped playing volleyball cos I thought I should concentrate on my studies. But one day during a PE lesson, I was playing vball casually with a friend and the PE teacher, who also happened to be AJ girls vball team coach, approached me. He wanted me to join the girls team. At that point, I was missing vball acutely and I banished the thoughts of being a nerd and went for 1 training. I ended up quitting that same day. The girls were quite horrible to me, isolating me in one corner, nobody bothering to interact with me. They were acting as if they were barely tolerating my presence. Vball to me represented family and such horrid treatment killed any desire I had.

And I think that affected my outlook on men. Being away from volleyball meant that I reverted back to liking men who spoke English, men who were intelligent and articulate, men who were well-read rather than sports players. And that played a key role in my hooking up with Fadz. He personifies that kind of person. Who knows... if I had stuck with volleyball, I might not be with Fadz today. I would basically still be living with a double identity, enjoying my secret lust after ah bengs, chasing the eternal bad boys. Scary to think that one decision could have affected who I ended up with today.

So what brought on this lengthy post? This walk down memory lane of lust objects buried in my past and whom I thought were long forgotten? I believe I have a new lust object, and I'm starting to lose perspective on things. It started out harmless enough, but I'm beginning to act irrationally. This hasn't happened to me since year 1 when I was confused over A. Yes, no names here cos he's from SMU. But now that I'm missing volleyball so much, it seems like I'm trying to hold on to my ties in any possible way. So when this tall, dark, above-average looking volleyballer (he's not very good though, quite bad in fact.. god I'm pathetic) walked into my life, I find my old amorous eye turning his way.

I just can't explain it. I'm such a different animal on court; my inner ah-lian surfaces and I'm loud, speak Chinese, yelling and screaming my lungs out. On some level, I believe only a fellow volleyballer would understand how I feel, hence the attraction. Fadz can't understand why I'd get so excited over a volleyball game, he can't understand the thrill of a good receive, a good spike, scoring against an opponent, screaming to intimidate an opponent. But a fellow player gets that. And that part of me will cast my eye away from Fadz because he simply doesn't understand how I feel.

Well, this madness has to end. I'm never going to act on my impulses but I can't always be in control of my reactions. Besides, he's a good friend and I don't want this to end badly. So how? Any advice? I'm just hoping that this flame would run its course and die out soon enough. Lust, not love, is a horrendous animal that needs to be caged up. Don't get me wrong, I do lust after Fadz as well. But one is for the mind, the other is for the sport. Split personality, that I am.