Restlessness is setting in

2 years ago, as I was about to turn into an adult as defined by legal age, a restlessness took over.

A pull so strong that at times I felt despair, a pull that was telling me to go experience the world as I straddled the fine line between teenager and adult.

I badly needed to get away; from school, from the same-old routine of life, from my friends, and even my family. In short, I needed to feel like there was more to life than... this.

I was sick to the bone of the tired routine that had taken over me, of seeing and experiencing the same things day-in day-out.

And so I escaped to Vietnam with Fadz. My mum violently forbade me to go, partly because it represented my first trip alone with my boyfriend (for 18 days!), and it meant that I was no longer the little girl who followed her parents on overseas trips. In short, it meant that I was slowly but surely declaring my independence.

Back in 2006, I dunno how many of you realised it, but I was sick of life. The exams were just over, I received the best results of my entire unversity education, the volleyball tournament was over, my torturous OCBC internship was done. I needed a break. I was like this prowling tiger, ready to snap at anyone who crossed my path.

But Vietnam restored me. Bright, colourful delight where I gesticulated my wants, sat through train and bus rides that smelt like hell, got a pedicure at a place that soaked my feet in a plastic bowl, ate like the locals, travelled like the locals... so many memories.

So why am I mentioning this now? Because the restlessness is back.

Lately, I've been getting this feeling of despair again. The feeling that nothing changes, everyday is just another mindless day as a mindless drone.

That for the rest of my life, or at least some time into the future, this is all I have to look forward to.

I thought the challenge of having to write something new everyday would keep me excited. The challenge of having my work reviewed on a daily basis would keep me entertained. But the overall feeling I get is still everyday is the bloody same, nothing really changes.

The relationship with the Fadz? I'd say it's going pretty well, except once in a while old fears and insecurities surface, but that's not unexpected, yeah?

But the worse part is, I'm doing the same thing every day, he's doing the same thing every day, when we meet up, it's pretty much the same thing too.

It's a nice feeling of familiarity, and I do look forward to seeing him each time.... but........... the notion of "is that it? is there nothing else?" keeps popping up.

He's not a fan of trying things new, I'm not a fan of trying things new ALONE. I want to see things from his perspective. I want to watch his face as he does something he never thought he would do. I want to experience new things and talk to him about it, and in the process, discover something new about myself.

I thought an 8-day leave around my birthday in May, thinking that going to KL would be enough to stifle it. Thinking that shopping and eating would be sufficient. That it was all I craved for these days.

Well, lo and behold, it isn't enough. I want more. I want to see more, to feel more, to rediscover the spirit of adventure and doing things off the beaten track.

I want to go to Laos.

Spoke to the Fadz about it, and it appears he might be up for it. But I have to wait until the end of the year.

In the meantime, I'm getting grouchy and snappy again. Some days, I don't even feel like going out with my friends, and just want to stay at home and stew in my own thoughts.

Am I turning into a recluse? Or am I dreaming too much about this?

See if you can spot me! the one with the fairest legs... we drank copious amounts of bad Vietnamese red wine, got so drunk... we then clambered onto the 2nd storey of our rickety boat and jumped into the azure sea.... and then i promptly fell asleep on the ride back to shore. Fadz of course abstained, and managed to capture this.