Where Oh Where?

Every once in a while, I get hit by thoughts of self-questioning about where life seems to be taking me.

To some extent, I feel like I'm lagging behind my peers (the really high flyer, stylo type), contented to languish in blissful ignominy and mediocrity.

And yet, there's a part of me that can't believe this is all my life has to offer. To remain as a nobody, to watch as people my age, my school mates, my friends, race ahead and achieve things that matter to them.

But therein lies the problem - I'm not sure what I want from life.

Everything tends to go a little fuzzy when I'm lazing about, watching tv, reading a book, lounging about and doing nothing in particular.

There seems to be no drive to say, hey, I should be doing SOMETHING, something meaningful, or something that's going to move me forward, be it in career, in relationships, or in getting noticed by the world.

And usually I'm perfectly contented to let things just be, never having to try any harder. Should things happen, I'd let it happen. If things don't happen the way I want them to, so be it. Move on.

You might say, hang on a moment, don't you go for like a bazillion holidays a year, and have a boyfriend?

Sure, that's nice. I definitely do appreciate having a great relationship with my family and lead a relatively cushy life, something that not everyone can lay claim to.

And I'm definitely thankful for Fadzli, cos I'm not sure there's anyone else who can put up with my brand of craziness (trust me, there's plenty of that).

But is that it? How about personal accomplishments?

Yeah, the career seems to be coming along. But you see, I never thought about becoming a journo. It just happened. I didn't apply for the position. THEY called me. So I've never really thought about what lies ahead, or what I should be working towards, because I never really gave it careful consideration.

My thought process really was - there's a job, it seems fun, nothing else around that really excites me, need money, accept job.

And I've been lucky that they've sent me for to Germany, recognised my work, been published occasionally in print... but again, is that enough?

Is it? IS IT?

Or am I just being greedy and wanting everything?