So what am I scared of?

I wonder what's causing so much hesitance on my part.

The fact that things are progressing so quickly, and yet so well?

That I am still amazed and puzzled that a person can be so intense, so all-consuming, so passionate, that I fear it's going to crash and burn?

The fact that I got out of something that has been a part of me for nearly half my life, and leaped head first into another major thing without a break in between?

This morning, I woke up and wanted to tell my mum about ZW. Cos the whole "I'm meeting a friend" line is getting lame.

And tiring.

And I keep having to worry that I'm going home too late and not having a credible alibi beyond going "mmmm..."

But every time I tried to open my mouth, something gagged in my throat.

What is it? Fear? Fear that I'd be judged by my own mother?

I'm really not sure. When I first told her that I broke up with F, cos the feeling is gone, she gave me a long look, and then yelled "how can liddat? When you get married how?"

Valid point, but I'm still young and idealistic and a hopeless romantic fool and I refuse to accept that.

So... if I were to tell her that I'm in a new committed thing (I can't even say the R word), would she freak out and think I'm just having a flight of fancy? That I'm on the rebound, or that I'm just being.. promiscuous?

It took her so long to accept F.. how can I just throw another guy into her life so soon, right?

Aaarrggghhhh... ZW has been incredibly patient (most of the time)... but I guess he's also wondering what the hell I'm thinking.

I think he knows how I feel about him now... but I guess he worries too that I always seem ready to bolt out the door.

I don't know why I'm panicking. He says I think too much. In my defense, I'm a girl, I'm programmed to over think things.

And the funny thing is, I've even tried to sabotage us. I keep trying to find "deal breakers"... it's almost as if I WANT us to fail, so that I can go "aha!" and prove everyone right that I just lost my mind temporarily.

And maybe assuage my guilt a little.

At the same time, I really, really want this to work. In fact, I want to tell everyone about, and not have to hide that I'm seeing someone really cool. And weird :P

But I'm also trying not to hurt F anymore than I already have..

And introducing ZW to the parents, and my friends.. makes things official. That I really have moved on, probably in record time. And there'd be no more hiding.

Yup, that's what I'm doing. Hiding behind a hazy cloud.. just letting things stayed muddled for the moment. Yeah, I'm a coward.

What's a girl to do?

Closure

I need closure.

Bits and pieces of things that remind me of F are still scattered throughout my room.

If I want to move forward, and put this behind me, I need to remove these reminders.

I think the biggest concern I have now is whether F is doing alright. I need to know that he'll be ok.

Because this time, there's no turning back.

I was thinking about the times F and I have broken up over the years.. and in the last 4 years alone, just during his university life, we've done it 3 times.

The first time, he refused to let go and I didn't push it further, because I still felt so in love with him. So despite knowing that there were cracks, we covered them up with plaster.

The second time, he broke my heart but I refused to believe that we were done. Despite advice from everyone around me, I ignored what my head was telling me and still went for it. In some sense, I think I wore his defences down by simply refusing to back down.

And the third time... well, I guess I broke his heart. Actually, I'm not even sure how's he feeling. Is he in pain? Or is he finding some relief? I simply don't know.

But the issues that we face, or faced... were recurring ones. Things that never truly went away. Despite our best attempts to try to surmount these differences, and yeah, best efforts were put in, we eventually lapsed back into old ways.

People simply don't change. And if I can't acccept him for who he is, I don't think I deserve to be with him. There will be someone for him, who can love him better than I ever could. I honestly believe that. Because in the end, I overwhelmed him with what I wanted, or thought I wanted, and he got lost along the way. And then I became lost too.

Not sure if people can understand this but... I need to be selfish now and stop beating myself up over it. Stop stressing out if he's eating right, wandering if he's cooped up in his house, hoping that he's talking to people about this, and not trying to work things out alone.

I can't call him. I can't text him. I think it'd only make things worst at this point.

I still remember when he broke up with me.. and then msn-ed me a few days later... sure, it made me feel happy and broke my wallowing for the moment... but it plunged me back into despair because he made it clear that he was just checking to see if I was ok. As a concerned friend.

And I can still remember the reaction in my head... it was like, "how the fuck do you think I'm doing? I've been broken into pieces, you bastard!"

And it felt like mixed signals too..

It was during the Hari Raya celebrations, and knowing how much I loved his cousins, he took videos of them playing and sent them to me.

Maybe that's why I thought I had a chance?

But this time round... I know I'm done. There are simply too many cracks to ignore, too much toxic and baggage...

And something great is happening in my life right now.

As bad as the timing is.. and I know this is going to make me look like a complete slore.. but I simply can't walk away.

I've met this amazing guy and it feels like the world makes sense again. That all the attachments to life that were slowly slipping away suddenly feel alive again.

Perhaps some people think I'm just in freefall, or have made a complete mistake... and quite honestly, if I was to look at this from an objective third party point of view, I can see why it seems so crazy. In fact, I'd be right in there, making judgments as well.

But it just feels so damn right. So damn right.

I've only known him for 2 weeks, TWO WEEKS.. and it feels like I've known him my whole life.

We are so comfortable together and around each other, it's almost like we've stopped rushing about in life and have fallen into each other's pace.

It's eery and I'm frightened and almost afraid to take the next step because it can't be possible.

I don't think I've been so spooked out in my life from hearing the "L" word.

I keep imagining that this thing I'm feeling, it's bound to pass right? It's just the hormones talking, and probably, I'm just being delusional.

But.... at this moment, all I know is that a hand has been extended to me, and the moment I reached over to clasp it, I couldn't let go.

The insecure part of me tells me to take things slow, and who's to say it won't crash and burn by next week?

But do I really want to live life so timid, so afraid to step out of my comfort zone?

If I'm going down in flames, I might as well go out in a bang, no?

I wonder when my heart and head will be in agreement.

Met Wern for dinner last night, and let's just say her reaction was not encouraging.

Short of telling me I made a mistake, I think the word she was trying not to use was "bitch".

As a friend, she's standing by my decision. But as a third party observer, what I did to Fadz can be seen as cruel and thoughtless.

And I can see why - if I say I have been unhappy for some time, then perhaps I should have said something earlier, instead of waiting till another guy shows up?

The timing simply stinks. And of course, it looks like I'm doing to Fadz what he did to me all those years ago.

I've been a coward, and I haven't been able to "man" up to my feelings. It's not like I haven't had feelings of restlessness, of uncertainty... but it was simply easier to squash these feelings and dismiss them as merely an "itch" that is bound to go away.

It really, really sucks that I have to hurt my best friend in the process of trying to figure out what I really want in a relationship, and from life in general.

But could I have continued in a relationship that was more "best friends" than "lovers"?

Maybe I have too grand ideas of what love should be, have expectations that are too unrealistic.

But if you don't explore it when you're young, when then is a good time?

Like Wern says, I will have to face the consequences of my decisions, good or bad.

I broke up with Fadz.

Guess there's no need to be cryptic anymore; those who need to know, know.

So for the 2 people who still read my blog...

Everyone has been asking me why? And I'm still trying to find a definitive answer.

Because... "just because" doesn't quite cut it huh?

I don't even know if I was unhappy.. it just felt like I was trying to gloss so many things over - not talking about Fadz with my friends, acting like I was a single girl when he's not around, checkin out guys all the time, ignoring the fact that there was no more spark.

And sad as it sounds, I think it boils down to that. A lack of spark. Sure, I know what a lot of people might say. It's been 8 years, for god's sake! of course there's no spark! But in exchange you get comfort, familiarity.... blah blah blah.

I get it. I understand that intellectually. But emotionally, I refuse it. How can it be that a couple can go days on end not talking, and not feel like something is wrong, or worse, not feel a sense of longing?

How can I be in a relationship that made me give and give, but not feel like I'm getting much in return?

I didn't feel cherished anymore, or wanted, or desired. And since we weren't talking, weren't communicating, weren't meeting... what's the compensation?

And even when I was breaking up with Fadz, he didn't reach out, he didn't fight, he simply sat there and kept quiet. I don't think I can take inertia, or the lack of initiative anymore.

And so.. I'm done.

Is there another guy? Partly, but things are complicated there as well and quite frankly, I'd be smart not to hold my breath in that department.

So I think the best thing I can do for myself at the moment is to enjoy being single.

Who's with me? :)

And so it's done.

I wonder if it's normal to feel so.... calm.

It's not like I feel a great sense of relief or anything, no hellalujah moment. But neither do I feel like the world is closing in on me.

I wonder if this is merely the calm before the storm?

I simply felt exhuasted, went to sleep, woke up. And the world still feels the same.

Denial? Or long time coming?

Huh.

Next move?

Another Cryptic Message

Putting the melodramatics and hysteria aside, I don't think I've been unhappy thus far.

A little frustrated at times, have expectations that are sometimes not met, but on the whole, not too bad.

Think the problem now is that I've been stuck in the same position for too long, feeling like I'm sinking under with each passing day.

Losing a little of myself, losing the zest for life. Settling into a comfortable position and moulding myself into someone with a definitive path that's hard to deviate from.

I'm not saying that's necessarily a bad thing, but it may not be the best representation of my true spirit either.

Perhaps in time to come, those may be the things I crave, but for now, I'm not too sure.

So now the question is, do I want to continue with a warm, familiar routine that has a low chance of failure barring self-destruction and perhaps work towards that stable piece of mind...

or do I want to leap into the delicious unknown with abandon, not knowing if someone will really catch me?

I think I'm starting to see that the two are not mutually exclusive.

The latter was merely a catalyst that jolted me out of my state of inertia. Maybe things would have eventually come to a head anyway. Made me face my current situation and examine what I really want.

But things have gotten more complicated because the catalyst is also turning out to be an option.

So Joanne, now what?

Crossroads

I'm literally standing at a crossroad, hesitant to take a step in either direction.

Who would have thought such a day would arrive?

And already, I'm splintering into pieces.

Things have to come to a resolution soon. Either in a giant blowout or be eaten from within.

Mmm. Tempting options.

OMFG

My two male colleagues were trading barbs in the office in a very unmanly way, and unthinkingly, I blurted out...

"Can the two of you don't be so gay?"

AND A GAY EDITOR SITS JUST BEHIND ME.

OMFG.

The moment the words left my mouth, I knew I was screwed.

I didn't have to turn around to know that said editor shot me a death glare, which was subsequently confirmed by one of the male colleagues.

FML.

Universal Studios Singapore is mad fun!

Ok, so there are perks to the job sometimes.

And one of it is getting to go for sneaks and premieres!

Got sent for a sneak preview of Universal Studios today.. and although I still had to do a story, it was worth it!


Only managed to take photos of the entrance. After that, it was pretty much Girl Gone Wild.

Screwed up my guts to get onto the Battlestar Galactica.. but the tamer version.


There are two rollercoasters charging at each other at top speed, but I can only take the PR's word for it.

Travelling at 90km/hr, my eyes were closed for most of the ride and I screamed all the way through. Longest bloody 90 seconds of my life.

Also tried the Jurassic Park Rapids Adventure...


Got completely soaked and dizzy cos it's like a bumper car/spinning tea cup ride in the water.

And ironically, I was ok after all the rides, but wanted to puke after taking an SBS bus ride home later tonight. T__T

Another perk of the being the media?


Limited edition lanyard with special USS pins!! Excuse the crappy handphone pic quality.

And of course, I got sucked into the whole LOOK AT ME, SHINY MERCHANDISE allure, and ended up buying this...


Scream!! I waved it in front of my boss and he simply shook his head. Nothing rattles my boss.

Of course, since I'm certified office bimbo, people actually started offering me condolences when David Beckham got injured.

LOL. Good Day.

P.S.: Also did my appraisal today. Less appraisal than complain session.

Somehow, plenty of vitriol spewed out, practically a laundry list.

And then my boss kept asking me if I was serious about leaving after 1 more year.

Huh. I don't think I gave him a convincing answer. So I think I may have screwed up. Corporate bullshit 101: never give anyone the idea you're quitting. that might screw up increments/bonuses etc.

Oh well. We shall see. Either he was serious about wanting me to stay, and hopefully we can improve on my work... or I get thrown into cold storage.

Que sara sara.

The God Complex

Just need to get something off my chest. It's making my blood boil and skin crawl.

See, when I was just a happy little radio reporter, I was surrounded by similarly happy folks.

Folks who are simple, folks who understand they're just doing a job, folks who had a sense of humour, were not overworked to the point of being utter cows, and more importantly, did not have a sense of self-importance.

Fast forward to present circumstances.

I'm not sure what it is about being on tv, but it seems to give you a sense of invincibility.

Like, you're all that matters, every word that drips from your mouth is the golden truth and indisputable, and if something does crop up, cover your ass in triple quickness by foisting the blame onto someone else.

And most importantly, thinking that your opinion is god's word.

So anyway, there's this superior whom i'm not entirely fond of.

It's not a personality thing, it's just a I can't believe I have to stand here listening to you talk when you have no idea what you want and throw 10 billion ideas for a single story thing.

Most time, I nod, space out, utter some guttural sound that remotely resembles a "yes" and pray that it's over as soon as possible.

But said person threw down the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back.

Long story short, when said auntie who reminds me of those obasans who tattoo their eyebrows and wear artificial bright pink lipstick and highly patterned, tight-fitting, low-cut clothes offers ME fashion advice, that crosses a bloody, bloody line.

And just as a clarification, she delivered it as if it was a sacred word of God and in a highly smug, self-knowing, pitying manner.

EXCUSE ME, JUST BECAUSE I CHOOSE TO DRESS DOWN ON A DAY WHEN I 'M SIMPLY STARING AT A COMPUTER DOES NOT MEAN I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT MEANS TO BE "PROFESSIONAL".

AND FYI ON DAYS WHEN I KNOW I'M APPEARING ON TV, MY KENNETH-COLE CLAD ASS SURE AS HELL LOOKS A BILLION TIMES BETTER THAN YOU COULD EVER DREAM OF.

AND ADDING TO IT ALL, YOU REMIND ME TO SHOP FOR JACKETS, AND GIVE ME FASHION ADVICE???? ARE YOU BLIND WOMAN?

The irony of the start of of this post and the latter portion is not lost on me.

Well, you force me on tv, don't be surprised when I turn into one of you self-important people. Except, you didn't realise that I was a mega bitch to begin with, so SUCKS TO YOU.

ok, now i'm done.

Wow, have neglected the blog for a whole month.

Always plan to update but somehow... after the life-force is sucked out of me at work, I barely have energy to wash off my makeup.

Anyway, thought I'd drop an entry about the hazards of being my boyfriend.

Had to do a story about weather (don't ask) and was in NUS to interview a climate change expert.

Since my boss asked for man in the street response about how Singaporeans are keeping cool in the weather, I put two-and-two and made an SOS call to Fadz.

And that's how he got coerced to appear on tv. Teeheehee...

What? Nepotism? Eh no. He's also a man, on the street, with an opinion what.

Ok, shall try to post something about my New York trip soon!!

I Turn 2 In 2 Weeks' Time!

In terms of journalistic experience anyway.

And quite honestly, it has felt more like an eternity.

Does anyone really know what they want to do in life?

On a whim, I tried out reporting.

Lo and behold, it's 2 years and I think I've aged 20 years.

I think my posts have become very depressing.

Perhaps it's just a reflection of how I truly feel these days.

The long hours, the office politicking, the drudgery...

And just when I thought I was done, the company throws me another life line, sucking me back in.

I hope I don't regret my decision.

Feels like I should post a picture or something to break the monotony of the words... haha.. but so lazy... so tired...

Ok, maybe just a few.

I haven't really spoken much about my Laos trip.

Fadz claims he didn't think it was anything great. And granted, it's not a touristy place that has many memorable sights.

Rather, it's the breathtaking landscape, irascible and humorous people who have a long brutal history to share, laidback lifestyle that I miss the most.

Stepping out of my room takes me straight to this crystal clear lake.

Exploring a half submerged cave that's in complete darkness. I'm just glad that I don't suffer from claustrophobia.

And probably above all, hanging out with my best friend.

It's always fun to travel with the significant other. Now I just need to convince him that Syria is our next stop.

New Year Resolutions... Who Gives A Fuck?

I know, I know, it's not like me to get so angsty.

But it's that time of the year where a standard sweep of blogs will reward you with entry after entry of pointless new year resolutions (seriously: 20 new goals for 1 year??) that will most likely never be kept.

I gave up trying to set new targets circa... I can't even remember.

I suppose the feeling of helplessness and the futility of it all was heightened this year, thanks to having to work on New Year's Eve AND New Year's Day.

I bid farewell to 2009 in the office. Too exhausted to go out, I simply went home because all I could think about was sleep.

Think I managed to put in one message to Fadz before blacking out.

And before I knew it, it was dawn and time for me to get to work.

I spent the first half of 2010 alone in the whole goddamn office as other people gradually stumbled in after 12pm.

As the pond scum in my organisation, I was assigned the morning shift to "hold the fort".

Not that I was REALLY complaining. Because I'd take peace and quiet over having to face a stupid monkey ANY day.

As a sidetrack, it's completely farcical and ridiculous for a 34-year-old grown man to pass notes back and forth with another colleague behind my back, because he wanted to bitch about me.

I was so sorely tempted to shoot an email welcoming him to the Age of Technology, and suggesting that email or msn might be a better platform for office bitching.

At least you look like you are working.

Plus, you save trees.

Anyway, it's hard to think about 2010 as a new beginning, when it seems so similar to the old year, doesn't it?

To top it all off, I think the stress at work caused me to have a mild panic attack over the weekend, when I finally got to get some rest.

I called it a quarter-life crisis, but thinking back, it sure felt like a panic attack.

The sudden panic that there was something wrong with my life. The nonstop questioning within me.

Like I've accomplished nothing in my 2 years of work, and there was nothing to look forward to. And the saddest part was, I felt like I couldn't muster enough energy to GIVE A DAMN.

At first I couldn't pinpoint the source of the discontent growing in me, and even began to question if I was unsatisfied with my relationship with Fadz. Luckily, he bore it with good humour and faith (as usual) and talked me out of my hysteria.

But honestly, I wake up now with dread in my heart whenever I think of work.

Oh god, how long more can this continue?

If there is one thing that I want to do this year, is to travel more.

Once I've gotten the wanderlust out of my system, then I'd decide what to do with my life, career wise.

In case you are mistaken, I'm not looking to climb the corporate ladder or be some high-powered executive.

Hell no. All I'm asking for is a job that pays me fair wages, working hours that do not tear me up from the inside, and an environment that actually cultivates learning instead of pure stumbling along.

For now, I'm just trying to channel happy thoughts.

And the travel year is shaping up!

Jan: A highly-anticipated spa getaway to Batam with the KB girls. Nothing like cheap labour and A&W! to rub some tension out of me.
Feb: Heading to the Big Apple and Boston to meet the sister. Can't wait to run my fingers through snow, breathe in intoxicating crisp, cold air and be amazed by the sights, sounds and smells of New York even in winter.
June: Fadz is finally, finally graduating! (no longer dating a student! double income!) Am persuading him that it's worth spending money on a grad trip. Maybe Istanbul. or Bangkok. Maybe Australia. Haven't really decided.
Dec: Maybe finally get to take that long awaited Europe trip with Sylvia, Kristin and Uncle Shawn! Eh Kris, if you reading this.... can still go or not, Mrs Han-t0-be?

Anyway, that's the plan for now.

How am I financing it? Through sheer positive thinking, sucking it up at work for now... and eh, I dunno, praying for money to fall from the sky.

Chilling and 'Laxing in Laos

Have been in Laos for 5 days so far.. and I think I'm finally getting into the pace of things.

By pace, I mean, a super slow and relaxed pace.

Everything starts in the morning but Fadz and I are rarely awake.

So by the time we do wake up, the town is usually on its way to lunch, shutting down for an hour(or five) for a quick siesta.

The sun is surprisingly hot for winter, with even the dogs too lazy and hot to bark at people.

My mum told me to watch my food intake, cos according to her, Laos is a FOURTH world country.

Oh well, broke all the rules on the first day. Iced shakes, back alley eating, not to mention all the roadside foodstalls...

Hah. Am in Vang Vieng right now. Kayaked around some amazing limestone karsts on amazingly clear and blue Nam Song River.

Or like Fadz says it, I pretend to paddle for a couple of metres, then stop to admire the scenary as he labours behind me. HAH!

Speaking of Fadz, if I have to hear one more 'wat' or 'Buddha' joke, I may come back a solo traveller.

Yes, he's that sacrilegious.

Off to Luang Prabang tomorrow!

Off To Laos!

Title says it all.

Backpacking through Vientiane, Vang Vieng and Luang Prabang with Fadz on a shoestring budget cos, ya know, he's a poor student, and I'm... always poor.

Will be gone from the 12th to 22nd.

CANNOT.WAIT.

Oh, and I managed to paint my room pink before I left!

I so love NOT working.

Ciao! Catchups when I come back!

*kisses and hugs all around*

Wahaha, Twilight is hilarious!

Managed to catch the 2nd Twilight installment, New Moon, yesterday by watching it off the Internet.

Hey, you think I'd actually pay good money to see that show? Eh hell no!

Besides, the show is evidently earning enough money from its rabid fans who'd probably watch it 10 times each and buy the DVD and merchandise. It sure as hell doesn't need my 10 bucks.

Anyhow, the show is as horrifying as I thought it would be.

First, Rob Patz. Can I say he's only cute from certain angles, and if you squint? And his pale, scrawny body... eh, so not cool.

How is that hot, I ask?

Spike from Buffy would have whooped his ass in a heartbeat.

And Taylor Lautner. Ah Taylor. He put on 30 pounds so that he can play Jacob Black in the 2nd movie.

Less pale, more buff, definitely yummier.

Pity he sounds like Mickey Mouse (an affliction that also plays my dear sweet David Beckham).

As for Kristen Stewart. Let's just saying heaving as if you have asthma does not count as dramatic acting.

I think I was most entertained by the vampire Aro, played by Michael Sheen.

And that's only because I couldn't stop thinking... How the hell did he go from Tony Blair in the Queen (sublime, excellent movie with superb casting), to Aro in TWILIGHT????

Then I remembered, this is the same dude who played a werewolf in the critically panned dud, Underworld.. so yeah, anything to put food on the table right?

As one critic pointed out, he's done vampire, he's done werewolf. Now he just needs to play Frankenstein or a mummy in his next movie, and he'd have completed the holy trinity of horror movies.

Ah Sweet Therapy

I love press conferences held at the Environment Building.

Don't get me wrong, there's nothing special at the building per se, that gets me all worked up.

Rather, it's its sweet location that I'm really mad about.

See, the building is only 2 bus stops away from Far East Plaza, which after all these years, is still one of my favourite places to shop at.

Sure, if I was rolling in dough, I would perpetually be decked out in expensive clothes, bags and shoes.

But when you are living on a salary as pea-sized as mine, you learn to adapt and forgo branded goods.

Instead, I flock to FEP, which promises everything from Korean-made dresses that are hundreds of dollars, to "made-in-korea" knockoffs that go for $20.

Throw in shoes, bags and accessories that I can change with great frequency without feeling a wallet pinch, I'm all for shopping at FEP.

And if think the place is only for teens with no money, well I'm an adult with no money. So up yours.

Anyway, what I love to do is... whenever time permits, I would traipse down to FEP after an event at the nearby Environment Building, grab a bite, or browse through some shops.

Take today for example. I had 2 hours to kill between events, and after a massive headache from the first event, I was ready to throw up in fury and anguish.

So... it's off to FEP for some therapy. Even just trying on clothes makes me calmer.

The plan was not to buy anything.. just TRY IT ON.. and I promised myself I wouldn't spend unnecessary..

I mustn't, I musn't, I musn't...

Ah, who am I kidding.. I bought the freaking top in the end. And felt so much better for it. HAH.

Which is a good thing. Because it put me in a better position for my 2nd job, which REALLY nearly pushed me over the brink in frustration.

The Trip That Didn't Happen

The scenario: breaking news from the wires that a ferry sank off the coast of Sumatra.

Starting point was Batam, less than an hour's ferry ride from Singapore.

Editor jumps to action, mobilises me with few instructions except... get to Batam and give an on-the-ground report.

I speed home, grab the passport, throw some supplies together and peel off to Harbourfront.

Realising there are THREE ports in Batam, I check with all the counters to figure out where the doomed ferry left from.

Turns out, it's not the port of call popular with Singaporeans and is well developed.

Instead, it's the port that does not even have a hotel close by and the last ferry would have left for Singapore before I even arrive at the port.

Panicking, I call for further instructions.

Boss: get there, file a report, and take a taxi to Batam Centre.

Cameraman with me is not happy with the plan. Gives me a once over look and declares that it's not safe for a female to be traipsing in the night in an ulu part of Batam.

A battle of word ensues with my editor. To go or not to go?

That's when I was asked pointblank - am I afraid to go?

Yes, I say. My stomach was blanching at the idea of driving in the dark in Batam, racing to get to the town centre. As the cameraman says bluntly, the roads are not lit, you do not even know if the taxi driver is leading you in the wrong direction. Bribes are one thing, but as a female, worst things can be done to you.

Me to cameraman: would you have gone if I was a male reporter?

(without no hesitation) cameraman says yes.

Indeed. And for the first time, I truly felt the weight of being a female journo.

And I'm Off....

To Langkawi! With the folks. I know, short notice, but hey, soooo needed a break.

Hopefully I'd have some great pictures to upload soon!

You know you love me :)

I'm still in the office, waiting for my editor to clear my story. So that I can voice and produce it in time for it's broadcast tomorrow morning.

And it seems like he's never gonna finish before midnight.

Whine, whine, whine, I hate working nights.

It's creepsville in the office.

And dead tired does not even begin to describe how exhuasted I am right now.

Nut-nut is not a term of endearment

I read in 8 Days that Fann Wong calls Christopher Lee "爱爱" in private as a term of endearment.

As if struck by a bolt of inspiration, I turned to Fadz one evening and starting calling him "love-love" in my most manja of voices.

And of course, being Fadz, he gave me his patented "what the bleagh!" look.

Annoyed, I told him to christen a term of endearment for me too.

After a short pause, guess what the brilliant man comes up with?

NUT NUT.

So pleased with himself, he called me nut-nut nonstop for the next 5 minutes.

Why, someone please tell me, why I'm in love with a sadist?

Excuse me, are you really gay?

Man, am I confused (I seem to be doing a lot of that recently, eh?)

But, seriously, does this look like a gay man to you?

This was from a shoot for Details magazine (gotta love liberal America!)

I love Adam Lambert, his voice is practically an orgasm.

And I was really cool with the whole gay thing, cos his talent outshone his sexual preference.

But that's how I view Adam. And now this?

Again, how is that a gay man???

Frankly, I think he's bi.

Confused

Huh, the 4-day work week party seems to be over.

If you recall, my dear company reduced our working hours and our pay at the start of the year due to the financial crisis.

This meant I had a 4-day work week, but less moolah to throw around.

And I really got attached to the shorter work week. Ah the glory of flitting in and out of empty shopping centres on a weekday! (of course, I also had less money to spend, so it was a weird catch-22 situation).

Well, seems like the ol' company is bouncing back, and the 5-day week is being reinstated.

That means the old pay is back to.

But but but.... back to a 5-day week?

However will I survive?

Just Plain Crazy

I've only been working for like what, 1.5 years? So aside from the various part time jobs that I did during the school holidays, I would probably say I still have a lot of the world to see.

And that includes dealing with crazy, manipulative, psychotic co-workers who masquerade as friends.

Seriously.

See, there's this person in my office whom I thought I was getting along with rather well, together with a third colleague.

We'd hang out, meet on our off-days, eat, shop, go for drinks after work.

Then things started to get crazy.

The two women (in case you can't guess from the obvious hormonal overdrive) had some squabble, screamed at each other, engaged in a cold war... and then it kinda tapered off.

Now admittedly, let's call her... X... well X, is not an easy person to get along with.

She's super protective of HER space, if a speck of dust blows in from your direction towards her, she'd hold you accountable for being dirty and intruding on her space. We sometimes share equipment to do our work, but beware if you dare to touch HER things. And if you leave her workspace different from the way she left it, all hell breaks loose.

She'd get into a snit, ignore you (if you're lucky), or tear you to shreds with malicious, harsh words.

She sometimes alternates between bursting into hysterical laughter in the office over unknown causes, or will ignore you for days over something you may or may not know that you did which offended her.

But when she needs a favour, she'd look at you with wide eyes and start talking again.

Anyway, you know me lah... you want to act like a two-face person, annoy me, and I blow up.

Hey, I'm definitely not perfect either. But at least I'm upfront about it. You piss me off, I let you know it.

So somehow, I managed to piss her off in... I THINK... the last two weeks. That's when the icy chill started anyway.

She wouldn't speak to me, answer my questions in monosyllables, attempt to rearrange her face into a blank stare, but I can obviously feel she doesn't want to have anything to do with me.

And it's really uncomfortable, because she sits next to me.

After dealing with her moody shit for so long, I really can't be bothered to find out how I offended her this time. It's really ludicrous.

So I gave it back to her. You can practically feel the Berlin Wall going up between our two workspaces.

But she REALLY pissed me off when she deleted my birthday greeting on Facebook. I mean, seriously? Are you nuts? That petty?

So whatever man. I totally did not want to get in the middle of the THING she was having with my other colleague.

But since that incident, I suppose you can say she's drawn the battle lines.

And yeah, the other colleague isn't talking to her either.

Yawnz... working 12-16 hour shifts ain't fun honey.

Suddenly, I find myself pulled in a bazillion directions at work. And of course, everyone has their own agenda. So what's mine? Just treading water and trying to keep my head above the surface.

Haha, and I think I managed to piss off a gay editor. Called him and another guy "Bert and Ernie". Soooo did not appreciate that. Warned me about OB markers and crossing the boundary. Whatever dude.

Trust me to have a foot in mouth moment, right?

Anyway, nothing like a bit of Glee to perk me up.

Bear in mine the kids are supposed to be high on drugs. Which explains the bad dancing and super fast speeches.

It was girls vs boys week!

Girls rocked vocally, but the hair flipping just flippin' annoyed me!

And Finn is a hilariously bad dancer!

Fucking Incompetence

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

Seething with rage at the moment, in case you can't tell.

Nothing annoys me more than incompetence and poor planning. Especially last minute changes.

Especially when I've made plans that are destroyed through no fault of mine.

knn. Just because I'm cheerful and easygoing, does not mean I appreciate being used as the last resort to sort out your mess.

Get your bloody act together, before too many people recognise your incompetence.

I'm not talking about the 3Fs - family, Fadz, friends.

Go imagine what else in my life can fuck me up so badly.

Tragedy, Joanne style

Let me tell you a tragic life story, MY tragic life story.

So today, I get recalled from my off day because there's a housing story and that's my beat.

That's ok, not that tragic. Quite commonplace, in fact.

I dress casually, all ready to run around to do interviews on the streets later.

Not my favourite part of the job, but again, not tragic.

My event ends and I'm supposed to go on air in 10 minutes to give a live report.

Needing to pee badly, I rush off to the toilet.

Here's where it gets tragic.

In my haste to answer nature's call, and get my act together in time to file a LIVE report, I tug a little too vigorously on my jean's zip.

AND THEN THE ZIP SPLITS.

Panicking, I pull my shirt in a lame attempt to cover my gaping crotch.

If I don't move too much, it's actually quite hard to tell that my zip's updone.

But for the rest of the day, I'm tugging my shirt, adjusting my pants, all in a lame attempt not to flash my white undies at the rest of Singapore.

In the office, at the canteen, out on the streets....

Sigh.

Why do such things happen to me?

That's another thing that goes on my shopping list.

The Brutal Nature of my Job

I'm getting ready in the morning, suitably attired for an 8-hour shift in the office and dressy enough to meet Li Wern for dinner and giggles in the evening.

Putting on a flowery skirt and curling my eye lashes, I step back in satisfaction as I survey my appearance in the mirror.

It's 9.15am, which means I'm running late as usual and would have to resort to cabbing it to work.

No biggie, especially since my tight skirt means climbing the overhead bridge would be a minor inconvenience.

Suddenly, my phone "beeps" and my heart skips a beat.

No one texts me this early.

No one, that is, except my early-riser of a boss.

True to form, it's a message from my boss. Change of plans today. He needs me to check out a hotline call, a suicide.

Glancing back at the mirror, my bright pink skirt stands out inappropriately for such an assignment.

Sighing, I change into sensible black pants, mentally putting aside my brown chocolate heels in exchange for sensible black walking shoes.

Half an hour later, I find myself at the scene of the suicide. A police tent is erected at the foot of the HDB flat, presumably covering a dead body.

Turns out the hotline caller didn't sending us on a wild goose chase, which has happened before.

A large group of people have congregated, surrounding an elderly woman who's screaming and crying, shouting incoherent phases in the direction of the body.

I stay back, surveying the scene, trying to decide how best to approach the family.

A family member breaks away from the pack and I stalk her as she climbs three flights of stairs to her house.

I call out, startling the woman. My sensible black shoes make no sound.

Obviously distressed, I gently ask for her identity, and she says she's the deceased's daughter-in-law.

Swallowing my own revulsion, I then ask about the deceased, trying to piece together the identity of the man, and the reasons for his sudden death.

The woman stutters and breaks up, offering pieces of information, but eventually directs me to her husband, the man's eldest son.

I approach the son cautiously, who's with his brother and sister-in-law.

I have to switch to my weaker language, Mandarin, and attempt to coax more info from the grieving family, staring straight into 3 pairs of red eyes swollen from crying.

Their father was old and sick, I learn. He moved away to a nearby estate many years ago but came back to his old home to end his life. Stricken with multiple illnesses, unable to eat solid food, living on milk and pain, the man somehow managed to walk many streets to his old home.

Snapping out of their dazed confession, one son extols and pleads with me not to report the story, as it's a personal family matter. Besides, death probably brought their father a sense of release from all the pain and suffering, says another son.

Knowing that I can make no such promise, all I can do is say over and over again, "I'm sorry".

And in my heart, I know that if I was in the same situation, I would have screamed at any insensitive reporter.

I head back to the office with a heavy heart.

Story written, broadcasted, published for all.

And I'm left contemplating over the brutal nature of my job, which makes my life and emotions unpredictable.

A perfectly sunny day may start out brightly, but can change in a snap.

I'm just doing my job, so why do I feel like such a beast?

Glee Video of the Week!

Oh.My.God.

Can the show get any more fabulous?

When it manages to get a tough, muscular, football team to do Beyonce's "Single Ladies" dance, it has me swearing allegiance, if you can't tell already.

And just a little office toilet humour.

See me and this other colleague whom I don't recognise end up in the two-cubicle loo at the same time.

We close the door, pants comes down, pee starts.

After I'm done, and I SWEAR, the other cubicle's occupant was still merrily peeing away. Twice as long as I took, in a steady steam. Towards the end, she even did a couple of crescendos with a series of "pssst" "pssst" "pssst.

That woman was holding in enough liquid to water a football field.

And of course, I had the uncontrollably urge to laugh.

At least I had the decency to rush out of the toilet before bursting into fits.

Must Counter the Bad with the Good

Big change at the office. Since the company is not ready to tell the world yet, I suppose it would do me no good to blab it on the World Wide Web, even if only a handful of people read this.

But suffice to say, it APPEARS to be more work, but not more pay. I shall wait and see what happens once things really take off.

As our dear Labour Chief says, we must improve productivity! Produce, produce, produce, cattle! Watch our for that whip!

My whole office is definitely not happy with the changes but alas, being mere mortals and minions, things are always beyond us. Paid slaves, that's what we are.

Anyway, to counter to misery, I went out and.......

BOUGHT A Wii!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

With Full Band Kit!!!

Fadz and I shared the cost.

10 minutes before we bought the thing, we were discussing who would get what should we break up.

Haha, yes, we are very practical/morbid/ge gao folks. And since I paid more, of course I get the console. He gets to keep the Guitar Hero Full Band Kit. Hmmm... maybe it would be enough incentive to get back together should we break up just so we can make beautiful music. HAHA!

But the thing is a health hazard to unfit people. We played for hours on end over the weekend, and since Fadz was still fasting, we didn't even stop for water!

So all that drumming, tennis and boxing really took a toll on me. At one point, I couldn't even lift my hands higher than my shoulders! Then my sides started to ache so badly that I couldn't even find a good position to sleep.

Sigh...

But, still super psyched!

Except I'm now in the office, on a public holiday, working. Bleagh. Can't wait to go back to my Wii man.

So Anyway...

I was complaining to Fadz that out of the blue, my Dad started lecturing me and advising that I should go queue up for a flat, cos it takes like bloody 3 years to get a bloody PUNGGOL flat these days.

This coupled with some not-so-subtle jabs from friends and colleagues that I should be fasting for Hari Raya cos I'm "half-Muslim what"....

So there I was whining, like hello, somebody hasn't even proposed to me yet, what talk of getting a flat.

So Fadz being Fadz, said, "I have to concentrate on getting a ring and whatnot, where got money to buy a flat? Why don't you stop spending so much on shopping and save up for the flat instead?"

Like totally -_-'''

So in a fit of annoyance, I was like "does this mean if I get you a ring, you'd pay for a flat?"

Fadz: "sure. I'd use the ring you buy to propose to you and then I'll give you a flat".

Idiot. Told you he wasn't romantic. And mean. And surly.

Dunno why I bother talking to him. Better off watching Glee. Humpf.

New episode!!!

Beware the shoe pervert

Urgh, there's a serious sicko/pervert/weirdo running around in my block. Not sure if he/she is afflicting my neighbours, but I'm this close to setting traps for the bastard/bastardette.

I live on the top floor of my HDB block and there are only 2 families on that floor.

Unsurprisingly, we tend to extend our use beyond the gate and colonise the corridor with random stuff like shoes, bicycles and whatnot.

With 3 women in the house, my family puts most of our (considerable number of) shoes outside in the corridor, in a bid to save space and not overrun the house with heels, slippers and shoes.

For the past couple of weeks, there's been a truly SICK pervert who's been stealing our shoes.

The strangest thing is, this asshole is taking only one side of each pair of shoe.

That's right, you read correctly. ONE SIDE.

For god's sake, if you want the shoe so badly, at least take both sides!!! What the hell are you doing taking only the right side of each pair of shoes???? Do you have like 3 right feet?

So far, three pairs of high heels have befallen this freak of nature.

And they are not even new, clean shoes. These are well-trodden, slightly smelly (hey, you try wearing shoes every day and see if there's no foot smell) shoes that have been through quite a bit.

So either this person enjoys my foot odour (eww), is somebody with a sick sense of humour, or an alien with 3 right feet.

I'm so bloody annoyed. Yes, it gives me an opportunity to go shopping for new shoes, but sooner or later, everything ends up outside due to space constraints in the house.

Yes, we do own that many pairs of shoes.

So I curse that said thief to damnation and beyond. If it's a guy, may his hands rot and penis fall off. If woman, curse you with eternal bad fashion sense, bad breath and droopy boobs!

Maybe I should think about setting mouse traps, alarm systems and CCTV.

HUmpf.

So Gleeful!

I just love American TV! Is it the bigger budget, larger pool of talent, or better creative writing that make US productions a bazillion times better than anything Singapore could churn out?

Anyway, stumbled upon this new show called Glee. Incorporates music, song and dance into good ol' fashion teenage drama angst.

I know, I know, I should be so past the teenage thing. And honestly, many themes such as celibacy and social alienation are concepts that no longer sit with me.

BUT.. and it's a big heart, taken with an open mind and drawing on my teenage reserves, the show is still highly entertaining.

If you're a fan of Moulin Rouge and Coyote Ugly, you'd be a fan of Glee.

Depression

It's utterly depressing that after 5 days of heavy medication, my illness is still not getting better.

I'm in a constant state of panic and taking my temperature so frequently it feels like the thermometer is permanently in my mouth.

And yet, every time things seems a little normal and I go off the fever meds, my temperature goes up again.

Do you know how horrible fever medication is? I've lost my appetite, it makes me want to gag, my mouth is always dry.

And my cough hasn't gotten better either. I've been coughing so often, deep, racking coughs that leaves me breathless and gasping for air.

And it sounds like I have a lot of phlegm, but it seems like it's all stuck in my chest. So I try to loosen it from my lungs by doing some mad coughing, but I just end up hurting my throat.

Now it feels like a rake is scratching across my throat, even my ears hurt. It hurts to speak, it hurts to breathe.

I don't want to eat, I don't want to move, I'm stuck in my room 24/7, the meds make me so sleepy. But I'm going insane from not leaving the house since Wednesday.

If things don't turn around tomorrow, my GP is recommending that I go to a hospital.

Man, is this turning out to be a fun September.

The Swine Flu That Wasn't....

Here's the deal - I'm running a 38.6 degree Celcius fever, I've been alternating between massive flu and whooping cough, I'm fatigued and my muscles ache.

Unable to take the torment any longer, I finally succumb to visiting the doctor last night.

Even when presented with my symptoms, he calmly proclaimed that Swine Flu season was over and what I had was something else.

Except he never said what that something else was.

And he kept asking me if I was stressed, to the point where I was so stressed by the line of questioning that I had to yell "NO!"

Does anyone else smell a quack?

Well, at least he loaded me up with drugs and gave me 2 days MC.

A Weird Phenomenon...

I find it utterly baffling why some of Fadzli's friends, upon meeting me just ONCE, insist on adding me on Facebook.

And these people are not even super close to Fadz.

Instead, they put me in an awkward position where I'm caught between adding them out of politeness (not like I'm ever gonna speak to them on FB), and not adding them based on my principles of not having unknown characters as my friends.

Of course, I can't be so unspeakably rude and inevitably, I end up clicking on that "Add as friend" button, but cursing myself furiously as I do it.

Even Fadz finds it peculiar.

I don't see any of my friends stalking him in a similar manner. Except maybe my mum. Yeah, my mum and Fadz are "FB buddies". LOL. And periodically, she would ask me worriedly about Fadz's anti-establishment FB status. It's hilarious, as my mum is as strait-laced, government-loving as they come.

Ah yes, I pick them well...

And Then There Were 4....

The Chan family is back to being a foursome.

Cheryl, Miss Fancy Harvard Grad, has decided to uproot herself once more, to go back to her alma mater, in the hopes of graduating a fancy Harvard LAWYER.

Sadly, I'm unable to follow the parents on this excursion, as I'm a sad, working serf and unlike school where I could play hookey, I have no more leave to take.

Sigh, guess the next time I'd be seeing her would be December at the earliest. Or the next opportunity would be June, when somehow, I get myself a ticket to America.

On some level, I'm envious that my sis would be bold enough to leave her support system here, leave her comfortable, high paying government job, leave her apartment, fancy living, car...

To become a poor student for three years. Saddle herself with a huge debt, and only have the means to start repaying when she graduates at the age of 33.

But I suppose I'm being short-sighted here. Hey, if she becomes a high-paying lawyer, what's US$150,000 in debt right?

I'm not sure if I have the guts to make the same step.

I've kinda settled into a comfortable lifestyle.

And yet, sometimes I wonder if comfortable is enough.

Sigh.

Just When I Thought I Knew Why I Love Him So....

Perhaps it's because I'm in a mopey mood, having watched Korean dramas the whole weekend, but I feel a sudden urge to blog about Fadz.

Been a while since I've mentioned him in anything more than a passing comment, because really, who wants to read about mushy stuff?

But seeing how my brain has been addled from watching Boys Over Flowers in a single weekend, enduring eye strain, neck aches and general concussion, I should be forgiven for lapsing into the following goo-goo comments.

I tend to be swept up in grand, romantic notions whenever I chance upon certain literature (read: teeny, angsty, rubbishy, romantic nonsense).

And unfortunately for Fadz, I also tend to project my sudden notions of how a relationship should be onto OUR relationship.

After reading Twilight (yes, I succumbed to the horror that is Twilight mania), I was convinced that my true love should be a vampire, and kept harassing Fadz to bite me, bite me!

And after watching Boys Over Flowers, with its ridiculous story plots and even more laughable lines (see me acting tough and coldly ridiculing the drama here, when in reality I was really sobbing my heart out during certain episodes), I started demanding that Fadz be more, well, ROMANTIC.

Or at least romantic in a K-drama fashion.

And when I thought Fadz would ignore me in typical fashion and let me gradually get over my hysterical fits, he once again surprises me with his reactions.

Incident One:
I was watching the show on my laptop, determined to finish yet another episode. Fadz walks in and turns on my tv. I yell at him that I can't hear my show over the tv. Instead of rightfully giving me the "have you gone nuts, woman?" look, he takes out his earphones, plugs them into the tv, cuts out the sound, and continues watching the tv, with nary a complain. I am such a brat. :)

Incident Two:
I'm normally an SPG (read: totally into ang moh dudes). But ever so often, a new Asian teen idol pops up and I completely go into pieces. With BBF, it's even better, two for the price of one!

I was madly drooling over Lee Min Ho and Kim Hyun Joong, undecided over who I loved more.

So I showed Fadz both their pictures, and asked who I should be in love with.

The hot, hot, hot, arrogant punk....

OR....

The sweet, sensitive, prince in white.

Fadz looked over their photos and pondered in all seriousness.

He finally said, "Pick Lee. He looks more like a man who can handle you."

Awwwwww!! My heart melted that he even entertained my craziness.

Incident Three:

I said I was quite into the Yun Ji Hoo character cos he's so sensitive, and plays many musical instruments like piano, guitar and violin. And chicks really dig guys who do music.

Fadz considered that for a moment, then said "I play Guitar Hero. Does that count?"

Incident Four:

And this is really my favourite.

One of the more absurd lines in BBF is when Jun-Pyo gives Jan-Di a pendant of a hollow star with a circle in its centre. And yet, I couldn't stop grinning like a fool and doing a small scream, "I also want!"

Jun-Pyo tells Jan-Di the significance of the pendant - "The moon named Jan-Di cannot escape from the star named Jun-Pyo".

After explaining to Fadz that sequence, I asked Fadz why doesn't he say such things to me. *pout*

And instead of appreciating its sweetness (ha!), Fadz says the dude sounds crazy possessive.

Of course that rankled me and I yelled that Fadz could learn a thing or two about being more possessive, and what's wrong with a little possessiveness.

At this point, a glint entered Fadz's eyes, and unexpectedly, he engulfed me in a bone-crushing, air-expelling, bear hug and says that he shall henceforth be possessive then, and not let me go.

And for some inexplicable reason, I found that so funny (of course, and madly sweet), that I collapse into a fit of laughter.

Sigh. I really do wonder who else can stand my brand of craziness. And instead of matching my insane demands with over-the-top declarations or spouting romantic sweet nothings, Fadz once again charms me with his brand of dry humour and patience.

And yes, further insight into the mad complexity that is the Fadz-Jo relationship. At times, we seem strangely abusive to one another. And yet in my mind, it makes total sense.

Well I'm off to KL tomorrow with the Fadz and Mr US-educated Alan Yu, to visit our thoroughly Malaysian JC friend, Ben Chin.

As luck would have it, some accommodation plans didn't quite pan out. Seeing how I'm perpetually broke and cheap, all of us are bunking into Ben's bedroom.

That's right, 4 people in a room.

I can already imagine it! Slumber parties, and we'd stay up to talk, and paint our nails, and braid each other's hair...

Yeah right, it'd probably smell so...... male.

Just a completely random trip sparked by Alan, who wanted a getaway before returning to Alabama? Oklahoma? Mississippi? (some redneck state that I can't remember).

Becky (another JC friend) was supposed to join us, but last minute H1N1 came knocking on her door.

It never fails to amaze me how easier we fall back into a rhythm, reminiscent of the good ol' days.

Seeing how we technically don't keep in touch (no calls, no sms-es, no emails), the chemistry is still there when we meet up.

I speak purely from my own point of view. Alan never fails to meet me and Fadz when he comes back to Singapore for the holidays, and there's always so much to catch up on.

The easy bantering, teasing and just plain hanging out isn't contrite, isn't forced... which is really nice.

I'm not sure if I can say the same for some people whom I haven't seem for a long time.

Anyway, this excursion is just a sorry excuse to eat our brains out.

A purely food trip, from the likes of it. So far, the itinerary is looking like : eat, eat, eat, sleep, eat, eat, eat...

Gaaahhh, I so need to detox once I come back.

But my saliva glands are already salivating at the thought of Ramly burgers, chilli crabs, maggi goreng, teh tarik, Nandos and who knows what else!

Oh yeah, and it's also smack in the middle of the mega Malaysia sale! :)

Fab Fullerton

To celebrate their 32nd wedding anniversary, the crazy parents, bless their hearts, whisked the whole family off to Fullerton for a weekend getaway.

And to borrow a word from Kimora Lee Simmons, the stay was pure decadence and "fabulosity" from start to finish.

Nothing like a good pair of shades to get the party started!

Ahh, home sweet home for 2 days

Cheryl getting into the spirit of letting it all loose

$16 evian water! are you kidding me??

The crazy huge bathroom... love love love the marble finishing, giant ass tub rainforest showerhead

Awww, the parents. How sweet

Getting ready to chill out by the pool

The Fullerton infinity pool is directly across the Asian Civilisation Museum, and provides a fabulous view of the Raffles skyline

The Maybank building looks over the pool... so to those who had to work while I lapped in sheer decadence.... sucks to you!

We ate at Jade during the first night. Pity the food and service were such letdowns. For the price we paid, we certainly had higher expectations that fell severely short. Tsk tsk. The best part was the complimentary cake when I informed them that it was a special occasion.

Haha, but the parents were so sweet...

Strolled over the One Fullerton, walked pass Butter Factory (whose queue appeared shorter than usual. H1N1 breeding ground, anyone?), and headed for the docks.

Geraldine thought it'd be fun to do paparazzi (or more like crazy lunatic) shots. Cheryl of course, acts too cool.

Day 2 by the pool

I never want to leave....

Nothing spells decadence like a pina colada and fried chicken at 4 in the afternoon by the pool

Dinner at Palm Beach. Infinitely better than Jade.

My, my, who's gonna be dinner tonight? *slurp*

A little Discovery Channel-esque humping action before dinner

My "act cute" face to match the "act cute" hair. Very retro, right?

G can't wait for dinner

Enjoying every aspect, including a rose petal bubble bath

Smile people! Enjoy life any way you can :)

Time to hit the road again

The pull of travel is teasing me again. The siren of the unexplored, the lure of exotic lands, just the desire to get away from Singapore, from my responsibilities, to stop having to think logically and surrender myself to pleasure.

Ah yes, it's definitely time to hit the road again.

Plans for Europe with Kris, Syl and Shawn (yes! a boy! however will we walk around half naked??) this December has been shelved, thanks to the lack leave.

Have since made them sign a blood pact that said trip will be next March. I CANNOT WAIT. CAN EUROPE BE ANY MORE FANTASTIC??? Hot men, hot food, hot locations. The holy trinity. Bliss.

But in the meantime, to help get over my terrible disappointment, shall plan many tiny trips here and there.

Have resurrected the idea of going to Laos with the Fadz. First mooted it some many moons ago, but somehow, never came to fruition. At first, it was money constraint for Fadz.

But since his financials are starting to look a bit brighter, my dreams of the LAST FRONTIER IN SOUTHEAST ASIA may come true after all.

Hmmm, can I possibly squeeze in a little Batam and KL relaxation as well?

Plotting and scheming... please don't ask me how I can possibly afford everything. You might think I have a hidden trust fund or something.

The answer is NO. But I do value travelling, I do see the worth in seeing the world outside of Singapore. To experience life that is not highly sanitised, or perhaps, to even gain a deeper appreciation for what I do have. And of course, when you are travelling, you exist in this bubble that is not interrupted by work, or family, or real life.

Besides, travelling with your other half can be an interesting experience, especially budget travel, where your best and worst sides are revealed.

So anyway, I plan, I budget, I toss saving for a rainy day out the window.

Certainly, I do not advise this route for everyone, living capriciously in the moment and not planning for the future.

But I do recognise that I am in a privileged position, where my family is not waiting for me to put food on the table.

So in that spirit, I NEED to explore. I need to see, to feel, to smell, taste and touch things that I usually only read about, before I'm simply too old, or too tied down, to recklessly throw myself into a foreign land.

And to quiet that incessant restlessness that rears its head ever to often, if I'm being honest.

So yes, on the road again... I'm on the road again. :)

Hell Week

Woooaaahh, working 8 days without a break. A kink in my roster, promptly solved when my boss simply decided to push my off day to next month.

Oh well.

And to make matters worse, a complete disregard for shifts. I can be working until 11pm one day, and expected to report bright and early the next day at 9am.

Sigh. My boss is so fabulous.

Today was especially trying, 12 hours straight. No time for lunch even. Pushed from one event to another.

Dealing with shitty PR people, reporting my first murder case (I'm surprised too, seeing how I've been here 1.5 years).

The murder one was especially bad. Not because there was blood of whatever, but it's the running up and down 8 flights of stairs in a dingy block in Queenway in this sweltering heat. Damn, but I stink.

Brain so dead at the moment.

And I've discovered a weird quirk: whenever I'm dead tired, instead of staying quiet in one corner, I become louder and talk nonstop.

Hmm. I guess my body just doesn't believe that I can really be this tired, and tries to overcompensate.

Sunday, please, please, please, come quickly.

So that I can finally rest my weary body.

Office Drama

The level of estrogen is running at an all time high in the office and it's driving me crazy.

Sure, it's nice to have female colleagues. All the giggles, laughs, and what not.

But when the hormones start going out of balance, and degenerates into a high-school scene, complete with huffy cold shoulders, name calling, gossiping behind each other's back, leaving each other out of the "clique" (I'm cringing as I type this)...

Jesus! In the name of all things holy! I wasn't even this bitchy back in secondary school! Or immature!

Seriously, at this point, I just want to roll my eyes. Or shrug my shoulders and not give a damn.

What happened to be being grown adults? And considering that I'm the YOUNGEST in the office, and yet have to deal with older people acting all teeny bopper-ish, I just want to bonk everyone on the head.

Maybe it's not a good idea to mix business with pleasure after all. Having to see someone day in day out, knowing that after-work politics spills over into work time... it's just too complicated.

Any suggestions?

A Blooming Miracle

It's the start of my 8-day break (shorter work week and all that) and I do something I haven't done in nearly a year.

I EXERCISED. Yes, I actually stepped into a gym, paid good money to do untold torture to my body.

I think a demon must have possessed me. Or maybe I'm just a teeny bit worried about the alcohol gut that is developing.

Damn you alcoholic colleagues!

Started relatively light, cos you know, don't want the heart that is clogged with fatty tissues to give out halfway. Scooped the gym and saw no cute guys, so there really was no incentive for an mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to go on.

20 minutes treadmill, 20 minutes weights training, 20 minutes spinning.

At the end of the hour, my body was shutting down and not responding to commands. Actually, by the first 20 minutes, I thought I was seeing stars already.

Sigh. I really do hate running. It's boring, it's tiring, it's painful, it's not therapeutic.

Why oh why did I subject myself to such torture?

Oh yeah, this is why.

I guess this would explain the need to work out. And it's only half of what was consumed on my birthday.

Sigh.

Hanging Out with Famous(?) People

Seriously, I think Singapore is too small and lacking in real celebrities. Whenever I mention that I work in MediaCorp, people's eyes light up and the line of question usually runs along the lines of, "do you see famous people all the time?"

Huh. I guess in Singapore, Fann Wong and Tay Ping Hui qualify as famous. But my definition of celebrity is someone who is recognised by more than 4 million people. Someone like David Beckham. Or Brad Pitt. You get my drift.

Anyway, the point I'm trying to make is, anyone who appears on local tv gets instant fame and locals REALLY do get excited by celeb-spotting.

I was hitching a ride back to the office with Ramesh, who is this really seasoned reporter, been in the business for 26 years or something.

So we were trying to flag a cab outside Shangri-La hotel, and this yellow CityCab stops for us.

We get in, Ramesh sits in front and says, "Uncle, MediaCorp".

The taxi driver immediately looks at him and says "I know you. I know where you work. See you on tv all the time".

Ok, never mind about that. Some recognition is bound to happen.

But as we cruise along, the cab driver pips up and says "You stay in Bishan right? Near me. See you all the time."

Eh, creeps-ville?

And the dude was visibly excited to have someone "famous" in his cab, and kept talking and talking.

It was quite amusing.

I wonder what it'd be like to share a cab with Fann Wong. Would the cab driver like just, hyperventilate?

Birthday Musings

Man, I'm turning another year older. Like I've been telling everyone, I'm gonna have a mental breakdown next year. You know, a quarter life crisis.

Youth is all I have!!! How can I be ageing so quickly?

Oh it just seemed like yesterday when I was traipsing around the world, one minute in Vietnam, the next in Taiwan. The only worries I had were whether my aching body would make it to volleyball practice, whether my managerial accounting homework made sense, whether I should go watch a movie with the girls or go to the library and study...

Ahhh, 21 was a good age. Yup yup.

So the birthday's this Sunday. Through some fortuitous good fortune, I'm off from Friday to Monday.

Lady luck is shining down on me, thank you thank you.

Ok, some wrangling was involved as well. Had to work 6 days straight, and work my butt off indeed. From parliament, to MOM, to Everest, to AWARE and Sex Ed, think I covered it all this week. I swear I was puking blood yesterday, stuck in the office trying to churn out story after story.

Like my colleague put it, when Joanne starts speaking in rapid mandarin and swears like a hokkien ah lian, she's stressed out.

That's the thing about MC; I'm a freaking one man show, expected to produce the same amount and quality of work as ST, which by the way, sent a phalanx of 4 reporters down for the same event. And I have to do it on the double, cos RADIO is all about speed. What midnight deadline? My deadline was the previous hour's bulletin. Gaah. It's enough to give me hives.

So anywayz, the schedule looks quite packed, which suits me just fine.

Tonight will be celebrating my bday in advance with the family, cos the big sister is running off to Abu Dhabi tomorrow. Ah yes, my globe trotting family. Bless their souls.

Meeting the colleagues for drinks tonight. Hope my liver is up for it.

Meeting Shawn and Sylvia tomorrow for some wholesome good fun.

And Sunday is reserved for Fadz to dazzle and entertain me on the very day I came into being. Yes, I still attach a lot of significance to my birthday. I can't help it. It's THE DAY I entered this world. If that's not cause for celebration, I don't know what it. Hahahahahaha.

Monday... hmmmm, told Jack I was toying with the idea of going to the beach. Dunno if she's still up for it...

Alrightie, off to while away my time in pleasurable, leisurely manner.

You know you love me. XOXO. HAHAHAHAHHA.

PS: I can't believe Kris Allen won AI!!!!! Adam Lambert was totally robbed of his glory! His rendition of Mad World gave me the chills and goosebumps. Ok fine... Kris' Heartless last week made me grin like an idiot too. But seriously middle America, stop being so conservative and pretending that gays don't exist. Being prudish is so not cool.

For your hearing pleasures :)

Exhuastive work environment

Crawled home at 1AM, after running my head off in parliament.

Oh god, how I sometimes hate my job.

You know what else I hate? The unpredictable working hours. In less than 9 hours time, I'd be back to work, onto the next event. And it's supposed to be my off day! I so loooovveee my boss. Sheesh.

Gaahhh, it's enough to give me premature wrinkles.

You know what else is giving me wrinkles? All the drama mamas in the office. My conclusion? Women are very, very scary creatures who snap and bitch about each other in a heartbeat. I'm just trying to avoid getting burnt.

Nuff said. Previous experience has taught me that saying anything more here has the weird effect of coming back to bite me.

Oh yeah, and I'm suffering from a slight case of ageism. Against myself. I'd be the ripe old age of 24 in 5 days' time!!! That's like 1 more year only to 25, and then I'd have myself a proper quarterlife crisis!

Maybe I'd shave my head bald and run off to be a nun. Maybe. More likely, I'd drink my weight in vodka and puke. Maybe. Naahhh, I'd just have a nervous breakdown.

Yup, that sounds about right.

I'm dreaming of another holiday.

I know, I know, I can hear screams of "didn't you just go to Hong Kong and New York??"

Well, yes, I did, but that doesn't mean I can't plot and dream about my next trip, right?

Ah, if only life was one non-stop vacation rollercoaster, and working was the in-between bits to fill time, rather than vice versa.

Thinking of touring Xinjiang next. To do the China Silk Road bit. Sounds cool right?

Route: Xian, Turpan, Urumqi, Kuche, Kashgar, and back.

I shared my plans with Fadz via email. He emailed back:

"HAHA! Sounds so alien. You might as well have said Tatooine, Vulcan, Klingon."

-_-''''''''

Haven't been doing much since I came back. Aside from researching about Xinjiang. Do you know airfare to Xian is $700? and a 1 day train from Xian to Turpan is USD103, and from Turpan to Kashgar is USD63?

Tried destroying my liver last week. Guess that counts as a memory.

Drink(s) at No. 5 on Thursday, clubbing at Butter Factory on Friday, beer and live music at Wala on Saturday.

Met Fadz on Sunday, and I was literally clutching my scarred liver.

Think I'm getting too old. Maybe not. Butter is smoking hot! Saw Benedict Goh, and lots of (married) bankers looking to get pissed drunk/laid.

Saw many SMU peeps too. Guess it really is the hottest hotspot of the mo.

Ok, back to American Idol. I'm just blogging cos I'm bored and waiting for the results.

Haha!!

Photos of New York up on Facebook. If you're not on my Facebook (unlikely) and waiting for the pics here.. ermmm...

Oh.My.God.

I could barely drag myself to work today.

Landed in Singapore yesterday morning, slept at 3am.

And I woke up 15 hours later. Talk about jet-lag man.

How was New York?

Absolutely amazing. A million times more amazing than when I first went nearly a decade ago.

Perhaps seeing the Big Apple through more mature lenses made me appreciate the vibrancy and joy all the more acutely. Also, I suppose we were a lot more lavish during this trip.

3-michelin star restaurant, shopping at big labels, eating at all the cool new york digs...

Simply brilliant. Doubt I would have enjoyed it as much if we weren't living the high life.

Pics soon.

I hate working.

Sigh.