My life is starting to feel like I'm adrift at sea in a boat I'm not particularly fond of.
The captain is starting to annoy me, the first-mate is starting to annoy me, the boat feels rudderless and moving without any real sense of purpose. It's just moving because it has to.
So why don't I get off? Because I don't see another vehicle in sight.
In the beginning, I imagined myself standing on an island and I had to step off off as I could no longer live there.
Without knowing what to do, I looked to the sea, the sky.. anywhere for a sturdy vehicle to take me somewhere.
So along came this boat and I was like, why not? So I hopped on.
But it's been over 3 years and I'm starting to feel trapped. I gaze out at sea, hoping to find an alternative seacraft... and I see nothing.
I think there are people who have faced a similar situation. Some see another yacht on the horizon, shiny and desirable, but feel like the distance is too far to swim and choose to stay put.
Others may choose to leap into the waters without a boat in sight, and know that they can float on their backs until something comes along.
Me? I don't see a boat in sight, and I'm not particularly good at swimming. And so I find myself frozen in place, unhappy, but in doubts over my ability to survive, or to try something new.
Cowardice and lack of direction is really, really, starting to piss me off.
I used to think that going on holidays was the solution - giving me the time to cool off, recharge and come back reset at zero and ready to deal with the challenges.
But lately, it just feels like I'm escaping and when I do have to return to reality, nothing has changed, and the angst simply builds up.
