At work, in life... just stuck.
It's like being in limbo - there's no sense of movement, just a floating sensation that time is passing me by, but nothing concrete is happening.
It gets worse.. I'm not even sure what's a viable alternative. Seriously, I think I'm in a sucky position, but what's a better option?
Sometimes I wonder how I got here. I had a defined path, I was actively pursuing it.. and then the winds blew me here. And I've been here for 3 years, and still not sure what I'm doing.
And that's really the story of my life. I see the pattern repeated over and over again. Just when I put my mind down and decide on a course of action, after I've made peace with it... the winds of fate blow me completely off course.
So am I waiting for the next gust of wind? Have the heavens grown bored of me? Am I finally left to my own devices?
Yes, I'm in a rather dramatic mood at this hour.
In other, completely unrelated news... I met a mutual friend of F and mine today. We starting chit chatting and I know he meant no harm..
He mentioned that F told him bits and pieces of how things ended, and he said I cheated on him.
Cheated. Such an ugly word.
But I guess it was simply calling a spade a spade.
I don't regret my decision, I really don't.
Perhaps the only thing I do possibly regret is that I started something when I was still in a relationship.
But hey, the best advice I received, strangely enough, came from F.
He said the heart is seldom wrong.
The more I stay in this job, the shorter my patience is. Seriously.
When deadlines are counted not in weeks, not days, but in HOURS... every second becomes important.
Every decision starts taking on consequences - do I eat lunch to power through the day, but it's 1.30pm and 2pm requires a few lines... you get the point.
And because time is so tight, I have no patience for long chats.
The brutal nature of broadcast is that you spend very little time actually talking to your interviewee, trying to get to the bottom of things. Because ultimately, that 30 minute interview is going to turn up as a 20-second soundbite.
And so, sadly, I'm starting to apply that to my life. I find myself increasingly cutting people off mid-sentence.
Like my brain is on auto-mode, and if my brain assesses that your sentence is going nowhere, I jump in with questions. If you start rattling, I get impatient and try to divert the conversation to something more interesting. Skip the soliloquies please, and just get to the point.
ZW hates that. I can't entirely blame him. He thinks I'm not listening. He's wrong - I'm just selectively listening.
Shit, I have the attention span of a cockel spaniel.
