Time To Wake Up

It's freaking amazing. Either I'm truly schizophrenic, or there's something about relationships that makes me go bonkers. Maybe I'm not meant to be a girlfriend, or maybe I've just been saddled to the wrong man. A man who makes me behave irrationally and like a shrew. A man who thinks so little of me and belittles me in a bid to boost his own ego (he actually had the balls to admit it). A man who recognized that I am stronger than he'd ever be and uses tiny emotional tricks to break down my self-esteem.

I'm a hopeless romantic. I keep thinking that I'd have a fairytale ending to my life. And seeing how my parents have been together and still so loving after a long time, a long term relationship really appeals to me. So much so that I can be blinded and act like a besotted fool when I think I'm in love. Taking punishment and self-flagellation that no self-respecting person should ever have to swallow. Thinking that there's something wrong with ME because my best traits are portrayed in a negative light by him. Thinking no one would ever love ME again because he has described me as a horrible human being. Yes, this is all coming from a man who purported to have loved me.

He doesn't even begin to know the meaning of love. And I'm finally beginning to realize what it means to be an utterly, utterly stupid fool. I used to despise and scorn women who behaved in such a manner. Now I understand. Women are naturally emotionally fragile. And when we are emotionally invested in someone, our egos become incredibly brittle and affected by our significant other. No matter how strong we may seem, on the inside, we have surrendered our autonomy and often find it difficult to regain independence. To the extent that when things go badly, we are unable to see ourselves as being worthy creatures again.

I hit a new low last night. I allowed him to continuously abuse me over and over again, all the while swallowing my pride and hurt. The more I think about it, the stupider I feel. I feel like slapping myself and shaking myself awake from this nightmare. Yes, this may be my first relationship, but it's no reason for acting like a spineless, mindless, stupid fuck. Someone please slap me really, really hard.

I'm so mad right now! I want to hurt something really, really badly. Luckily, I have really supportive people around me who keep me from falling off the cliff. I will not succumb to depression. I will not lose my self-respect.


This is what he let slip away. His loss. Maybe this is God's way of telling me that I need to treat myself better and that I'm capable of hooking someone a gazillion times better than him.

Thank the stars! I can finally enjoy pork in all its beautific, juicy glory again.

Impulsive

I think I really lack self-restraint. I can rationalize and come up with an entire thesis in my mind for not doing something, but the next moment, I watch in muted horror as I go about doing what I know is not good for me.

That's just me. I follow my impulses, I rarely deny myself and even when I know something might not be good for me, I just do it.

It's difficult being a Gemini. I often feel as if there are 2 people doing battle inside of me, my brain versus my spirit. One tells me not to do something because there may be repercussions that I can't deal with, but and the other tells me to go for it.

So far, it's Spirit 1 : Brain 0.

Life is too short to be cautious. I take on the possibility of pain for the possibility of pleasure. Or maybe I'm just too short-sighted and live moment to moment, dealing with the consequences only when they hit me square in the face. Seizing whatever pleasures I can get instantaneously, even if they are short-lived and bring pain later on. Carpe Diem.

Perhaps I need to spin completely out of control before I learn. Tough love. I need to be smarter.

"Me" versus "We"

The dangerous thing about being in a long-term relationship is that "me" starts to blur and "we" seems to take on a stronger persona. Other people start seeing you as part of a unit, and your individuality takes a backseat. I find that fucking annoying. It's like hellloooooo, I'm still me. How about focusing on me for a while, and not just fucking assume it's always we? Don't get me wrong, I love being in a relationship and all, but when fucking ignorant people attempt to address 2 separate people as 1, that just sets me off.

I hate it when people start defining me by using Fadz. Who the hell starts a conversation with "Eh, where's Fadz?" or "Isn't this football night? Where's your better half?" Erm excuse me, who died and made you the expert on what is proper football watching ettiquette? And whatever happened to a simple "You're watching football?"

Of course that pissed me off. And when I tried to reverse the tactic and use the same line of questioning, some people are simply so oblivious, or in this case, lacking in a strong personality, to realize a taunt. Maybe I'm being overly sensitive. But the point is, I refuse to be defined by my relationship. I'm ME. I just happen to be in a relationship, My life is still mine, and you can begin a conversation by asking after ME, thank you very much. It's nice that you enquire about my boyfriend, but when you start a conversation by directly enquiring after him, what does that make me? Chopped liver?

I suppose some people have utterly no character, no personality, no sense of being, other than that as defined by one's surroundings, group associations or friends/family.

Well screw you, you pathetic excuse for a human being. This is ME, Joanne, Goddess of unstable emotions. You acknowledge me, and then perhaps I might acknowledge your existence. Attempt to define me by other people, and you become insignificant to me. Because you obviously don't understand. And you're not worth my time. So bugger off.

You've been warned.