Baby Steps

So I've been a missus officially for almost a month, and the most common question I'm asked is, "how's married life?"

Not very different, honestly.

Sure, the mister has moved in and my space has effectively been cut in half.

I had to say goodbye to a far number of clothes and books, but it's worth it. That's what I tell myself to feel better anyway.

My sleep patterns are a bit off because I'm a 9 - 6 girl, while ZW's schedule is all over the place (something I definitely do not miss about reporting).

So I try to stay up to spend some time with him, or else I'm effectively sleeping next to a person but not interacting much with him.

Other than that, it's simply getting used to another person in the house I suppose.

For him, he feels like an outsider moving into my home (a hopefully temporary solution to a housing crisis). My family has been absolute troopers, trying not to scare off the husband but smothering him with too much attention.

ZW too has been trying his best to fit in. It's difficult, of course. When our tempers clash, he never ceases to remind me that he's the one making the sacrifice, moving into a foreign situation and trying to acclimatize.Sure, I may have offered to do the reverse, but circumstances dictated that him moving in was the best solution.

So I try to hold my tongue when he unleashes his fiery temper, I try to squash my natural instincts to be a dirty, messy person and roll happily in my own filth. Because it's not just about me anymore.

For the most part, I feel like we are making progress, trying to fit into each other's rhythms.

But then we have a fiery blowout and I feel deflated again. I would then sit on my gorgeous new queen size bed (big perk of married life) and wonder what I've gotten myself into. The selfish single in me questions the point of giving up my free-wheeling ways, clamping down on after hours activities, cutting down the drinking, the clubbing, trying to be a cleaner person... and for what? So that he can still find fault with me? Wouldn't it be easier if we just lived apart.

Yup, things do suck royally on occasions.

But on other occasions, when he encourages me to pursue my passion for cooking, when he swallows half my cake to show support, when he smiles after a long day at work because I greet him at the door, when I fall asleep and he kisses me goodnight... these precious memories somehow make it all worth it.

And that's really it, I guess. Having a companion, a witness to your life. To feel like your actions have meaning, that what you do affects another person. That at the end of the day, bad behaviour can hurt someone, that good behaviour delights a person. To feel like you have an anchor to this world and that I'm accountable for, and to another person. To feel like I matter.

So deep breathe, baby steps people, baby steps.

Restoring balance...

Well, the boyfriend and I decided to hang out separately for the evening, and I think that's the balance we've been missing.

See, we're used to seeing each other maybe twice a week, thanks to our hectic work schedules that makes it almost impossible to meet on work nights. Put us together 24/7, where the only escape for some solitude is the toilet, and the tendency for misunderstandings shoots way up.

So tonight, I decided that I didn't want to travel 1.5 hours from Yokote (a tiny town we're camped out at) to Akita (couldn't get hotels there) to see a festival that we'd already caught yesterday. But the boy wanted to go to get in a few more shots before we move on to Sendai for the rest of the vacation.

During his absence, I went for a facial (his treat) that I managed to procure after some vigorous hand wrangling at the beautician who thankfully, spoke 10 words of English (seriously, I counted and I've never been so glad). Our hotel also has an in-house onsen and having developed a real taste for the practice during our last vacation, I spent another blissful hour soaking in scorching water that I fervently believe is good for the body. I feel my soul restored.

Perhaps you would say the separation was long overdue and that I should have thought of it days ago. Thing is, hanging out on my own in Japan is no easy feat. Outside of Tokyo (and frankly even in the capital) no one speaks English, menus and directions are all in Japanese.

I'm basically at the will and whim and fancy of ZW, dependent wholly on him to get us from point A to point B. And if he ain't moving, so aren't I. Which can be frustrating as he may want to linger in a place longer while I want to move on, or vice versa. Alas, such is life. I'm just thankful that for the most part, I've done what I've needed and wanted to do with few complaints from him.

And truth be told, ZW has been an absolute champ in recent days. Stupidly, I lost my beautiful pink camera (either in Aomori or Hirosaki, I can't remember) and was initially terrified of what he would think, as that's the second present from ZW that I've managed to lose (a Burberry pink key pouch was the first).

But instead of berating me, as I fully expected him to do, he wrapped me in a hug and said it was ok, and that it was just a camera. He also accompanied me to Hirosaki AND Aomori, retracing all our steps and even lodged a police report (side note: the policeman was so surprised to learn that we were Singaporean I think he was more interested in finding out about us rather than writing the report).

Sure, ZW eventually nagged and chided me a little, but he didn't lose his temper, nor did he refuse to help me ask around, and for that, I can't help loving him even more.

I thought this vacation would make us all the more loving and tight, that it would be a barrel of laughs and we'd breeze through it. But instead, we met with arguments and heated exchanges, and there were seriously times when I despaired and wondered where this relationship was heading.

But I think I've gained a little more insight into what really makes a good relationship - and that's knowing you can count on your other half for support and help, even when the chips are down and you're not exactly seeing eye-to-eye.

While hugs and kisses, gifts and candlelight dinners are all fine and dandy, true romance is when the sun is beating down, throats parched and legs tired from a futile search, your other half willing takes another step and approaches the next person to inquire about a missing pink camera. <3 <3

Traveling with your loved one 24/7...

... can yield some great memories, but can also severely test the bonds of the relationship.

Being in close quarters with someone all day, and a foreign country no less, can sometimes bring out the worst in people.

Traveling already has its own set of trials, what with catching trains and navigating. But when you put two people with fiery tempers together, things can and do get ugly.

Perhaps due to the rushed nature of this current trip that I'm taking with zw - we were literally working up till the last moment before boarding the plane - things have seemed a little harried and hurried.

I was feeling so exhausted that i slept in the first few days, which to zw, is a cardinal sin as "we didn't pay thousands of dollars to sleep". Fair enough, but he wasn't exactly jumping out of bed at the crack of dawn. The only jumping he does is to roll over to hit the snooze button.

And since i'm unable to speak japanese, i'm once again wholly dependent on him to translate and basically, talk to me or else i'd go stir mad. So if he's in a huff or moody and non-responsive, it can feel awfully lonely, surrounded by voices you can't understand.

Case in point - i got out of bed late today and unable to wait any longer, zw left the hotel first to run some errands. Which was fine as we're in a tiny city that i'm pretty much familiar with.

But as i was rushing to get ready, the cleaning lady turned up and wanted to tidy up the room. i tried explaining that i needed 10 more minutes to be on my way. But she couldn't understand a word of english and we stood in the corridor, gesticulating wildly at each other.

She eventually brought me to the reception and i spent another 10 minutes explaining to the staff who eventually got what i was trying to say.

By then, i was already late meeting zw and was feeling thoroughly harassed. And i just knew he would say something snarky as to my tardiness. True to form, he remarked sarcastically if i had lost my way. Let's just say we spent a very quiet lunch, both left to stew in our own self righteous juices.

I think the one thing i have come to understand is that people don't really change, or it takes a really long time and not everyone has the patience to wait for the change to happen.

The ex promised me that he would be more expressive and let me know what he's thinking instead of expecting me to "just know" - a constant bone of contention. During our 7 years together, we would argue, he would try, we'd be happy for a while and then things would return to status quo.

What i finally understand is that he had 17 years to cultivate such a personality and habit. And 7 years ain't enough to break him of it. Certainly, towards the end, i could see some change. But my patience had run out, we had other issues, and that was that.

In zw's case, he's had over 20 years to cultivate an explosive temper. i know he's been working at it, even before i appeared on the scene. He too has said on many occasions that he's trying to be a better man.

Similarly, i've had 20 years of practice in acting defiantly and cultivating a lashing tongue - the ability to retort even before i've thought things through. Sometimes i succeed in biting my tongue and taking a deep breath. I'm not always successive.

I do believe people can change, just that it takes a really, really long time and the right incentive. Question is - can we be bothered to wait?

A snippet of what happens when logic meets excitement...

It all started with an article from the New York Times travel section...

me:  http://travel.nytimes.com/2011/03/06/travel/06bahia-bustamante.html?ref=travel

Lin:  Rooms are $215 a night, including three home-cooked meals a day and all the malbec you can throw back.

wow

if that isnt ex i dunno what is...

me:  but but but... it's 400 guests allowed in a year!!!

it's all the wildlife nature up close and personal

Lin:  yes yes

it does seem very good

(.. some discussion..)

Lin:  if i were to go, i would stay at least a week

and buy at least one expensive telephoto lens to bring along

a trip like this would cost me at least 5k sgd

me:  yessss but wouldn't it be totally worth it???

that's like a trip of a lifetime!

Lin:  there are many "trips of a lifetime"

me:  ostriches!!!  penguins!!!

Lin:  italy for me was a trip of a lifetime

me:  especially penguins!!!

!!!!!!!!!

Lin:  japan was a trip of a lifetime

you take the bait too easily baby

you're the advertiser's dream

me:  .... you just deflated all my exclamation marks

now i feel empty

Lin:  haha just want you to get real

there's no such thing as trip of a lifetime

unless you intend to die after your last trip

me:  why can't i have multiple trips of a lifetime??

every trip should be memorable!

Lin:  because then the phrase wont have any meaning

what does trips of a lifetime mean??

me:  it means i've had a good life

so there

Lin:  ...

A Tale Of Two Differences

Attraction can sure be a funny thing. There's really little basis for it - all that talk about commonalities and whatnot.. I'm more inclined to believe the whole "opposites attract" theory.

Just look at ZW and I.

I email him fruity articles about love and attraction. He emails me stuff from the Economist about property markets.

When we browse at magazines stands, he heads for the current affairs and photography section. I'm permanently parked in the entertainment and fashion portion.

As he describes his passion for the Discovery channel, I'm nodding and flicking over to E! Entertainment.

I have this mental image of us sitting on a couch in some distant future, and he's reading the Financial Times (which he says he loves) and I'm flipping People magazine.

I think the reason why this somehow still manages to work is that we don't try to change who the other person is. Sure, there are differences that annoy and grate on one another. Things that can end in shouting matches or angry words being exchange. (I swear he's the only person who can sound annoyed saying "Baby!")

But at the end of the day, we are who we are (shit, did I just quote Ke$ha? Or as Principal Figgins from Glee would call her, "Ke-dollar sign-ha")

Some people go into relationships thinking you can mold the other person into this ideal personality, or that something you dislike can be changed over time.

If I've learnt anything, it's that people don't change that much. Just that love can make you want to compromise on certain points, slow that sharp tongue and think before yelling.

And another thing I love about ZW - he said he doesn't believe in compromise, 'cos that means giving up something about yourself. Rather, a relationship is about understanding and seeing the other person's point of view, instead of just caving in for the sake of harmony.

<3<3<3

I'm still just a kid at heart...

When it comes to relationships, I'm not sure how much I've grown up, if at all, over the years.

ZW says I act like a kid. In fact, he says it a lot. And as much as that raises my hackles, I'm not sure I can disagree entirely.

I'm still prone to sulking and pouting to get my way, I whine and weasel my way in and out of arguments, the angry hot tears come way more frequently than I would like..

I just wonder what it means to act like an adult though. Does it mean entering arguments like you would a business negotiation? All logic, with terms clearly stated, leaving emotions at the door?

Talking about issues in a rational manner, calmly, as if you're not ready to explode or yell or scream or express hurt?

Speak in measured tones that betray few signs of what you're really thinking or feeling?

I guess it's about not emotionally blackmailing a person. And when a female cries, we all know what that does to a guy's resolve.

I suppose it's not about going to extremes, but being able to hold a conversation, even when worked up, without resorting to wailing or shouting the first angry thought that comes into my head. Or worse, having this inner instinct to retort back sentence for sentence when I'm angry.

New year resolution, perhaps?

I'm so not a long-distance relationship kinda girl

So the boyfriend is off in Japan for 8 days.. and we've been relying on Skype to stay in contact.

Let me just state now and forever that I will never be a long distance relationship kinda girl.

Seriously.

Not only does it suck that I can't simply meet up with him, it sucks even more that we have to rely on technology.

And boy, do I have a strong distaste for technology.

With F, our relationship degenerated into an sms-once-in-a-while situation. And with texts, you can't hear or see the emotion, the true intent behind the polite "haha" or "love you baby" (creature of habit, much?)

Thought things would be significantly better with Skype, what with pictures and stuff. Not quite.

I'm using an ancient camera that's low definition. And without a mike, I'm practically shouting at my computer. Throw in a patchy connection that requires me to shout and repeat, shout and repeat, add in a grumpy and tired boyfriend who's had little sleep... and you get a combustive mix.

It was pretty much a you-stare-at-me-stare-at-you thing. And we both logged off in a huff.

Argh, so annoying. Screw this.

Oh, and I bumped into Becky at NUS on Monday. She's F's good friend. I was a little shocked that she would greet me, much less say hi and chat with me for a bit. I refrained from asking about F because A) There were other people listening in on the conversation, B) she was so nice and I felt bad troubling her.

I always wonder how our mutual friends stand over the breakup. I knew that when F broke up with me, my KB friends despised him, the uni people were compassionate but largely indifferent as F was this entity that flitted in and out, and Wern cursed him like the great supportive girlfriend she is, bless her soul.

So at the back of my mind, I was wondering why Becky was so nice to me. Maybe she doesn't know the cause of our breakup? Maybe she really is (and she really is) a great and nice person?

Sigh, too complicated. Shall not dwell. It's getting easier these days to well.. not dwell and not mope over certain things. I guess time really is the answer. That, and enough trashy tv to wipe clean my mind.

Relationships are a strange thing...

For all the plus points, there are some pitfalls.

Seriously, if we humans are not such sluts for companionship, I think the world would be a lot happier.

How many senseless battles have been fought due to the equivalent of (on a much larger scale, of course), "why you stare at/insult my girl?"

Feeling a little angsty thing morning, as you can tell.

The boyfriend and I are swimming along this river called love and time.

While it's been mostly peachy smooth, we do encounter the occasional bump. Sometimes a bump that's easy to ride over, sometimes enough to rile me up that I have to stew over it for a bit.

ZW is an incredibly intense person and when he sets his mind to something, he also sets a certain (very high) level that he has to achieve. And this applies to everything - work, love, even buying stuff. And he likes to extend that intensity to me too.

I, on the other hand, as most of you know, am quite happy just sailing through life, sometimes settling for less, not always concerned about standards... all in the name of leading a harmonious life with few worries.

So you can see why there may sometimes be clashes of personality. It's an unstoppable force meeting ... a flowing river?

Case in point: I'm looking to buy a new camera. Initially, I got all excited about buying a dslr (no doubt influenced by ZW)... but after calming down, I realised that I'm never gonna go pro. So why spend thousand of dollars on a camera that's heavy, black (ew) and produces pictures with a quality that I'm probably not going to be able to appreciate.

The boyfriend got a little annoyed but nothing major, cos he had spent some time looking for a nice pink dslr for me.

Anyway, the conclusion was that I wanted a nice, pink, point-and-shoot compact camera with decent specs.

Again, he embarked on a camera hunt.. and the way he operates is that he would scour the internet for writeups, recommendations... for HOURS on end.

Let me just say that I never EXPLICITLY asked him to look for a camera for me. In some sense, he took it upon himself to do it. Ok, sounding a little ungrateful here...

So when he next found a compact camera, pink no less, with pretty good specs, he got all excited over the fact that he found THE ONE.

And then I heard the price. And blanched. And hemmed and hawed a little...

Which then pissed him off. Cos to him, quality matters, and price is sometimes not a factor.

And then he kinda yelled at me to figure out what was important - did I want specs, did I want pink, did I want affordable?

Which riled me up (cos I don't respond well to hostility) and I said I want everything, cannot issit?

Then he got annoyed and starting throwing random recommendations, and calling them "cheap".

To cut a long story short, we both got all huffy and put down the phone.

Needless to say, I went to bed in a less than pleasant mood.

Fast forward to this morning... I open my gmail, and see that ZW stayed up till 3am looking for more camera models that would fit my requirements.

And he messages me when he wakes up, no anger left in him.

How can I stay mad, you tell me?

And once again, I'm left mystified, and yet, thankful, that I found him.

Photos!

No cohesive thought running through this post.. just that maybe I should post a few photos up cos the blog is looking kinda boring with all the words, words, words.

I suppose a plausible theme would be that I'm trying to condense a month's worth of events into a 5-minute photo entry.

On that note, I'm the world's crummiest girlfriend. For our one-month anniversary, I gave ZW a crummy card. He on the other hand, gave me a map of the world (cos he wants to travel the world with me... awwww) and created a photo album of our time together so far, complete with notes. I felt like sinking into my chair when he pulled the present out of his bag...

I suppose this is my poor man's version of making up for that imbalance?

So here are some pretty pictures. :D


As most of you know by now, ZW and I met in China. And the chemistry was pretty instant. It's not often you find someone whom you feel comfortable with straight away. We were talking like old friends by the 2nd day of the camp. This is still one of our favourite photos by far.


This was taken on the last day of the camp. If you can detect a slightly sheepish expression on my face, that's cos we both knew something was going on, but neither of us wanted to admit it... Circumstances then made it difficult to imagine that we could be more than friends. Or rather, I didn't want to contemplate a "what-if" scenario, cos daydreaming can be so dangerous.. Guess things worked out differently :)


My birthday! This was taken at Morton's. Yup, I carried a doraemon doll around the fancy restaurant. Haha! We call this the family picture. ZW was using a Polaroid camera that day, with some apparently fancy Black+White film. Huh. I swear by digital cameras. Can take multiple shots, can look at them before deciding to keep or trash. With Polaroid it's just liddat.

Yes, this is my very messy room. Sighhh.. This was taken when we celebrated ZW's birthday. Our birthdays are in fact, just 2 weeks apart. Ahh, 2 Geminis.. I made him a lava chocolate cake which I have to say, was quite delish, if not for a little defect in its appearance...

See, I wasn't bluffing.

Brought him to Picotin for dinner. Great pizzas, but skip the foie gras, and don't wear too many layers cos the air-con is non-existent.


The jacket was my birthday present to ZW. Yes, I know, he's a super poseur. But I love this shot. A) Cos I took it and B) Cos I think he looks preettyy fine. :D

Loving someone is serious business... seriously exhuasting business.

Think the lack of sleep is getting to me. Breakouts, eye bags, water retention.

Gaahhh!!!!

On the bright side, celebrated ZW's birthday yesterday.

I think it was a pretty good day. *satisfied smirk*

Melancholy

Now that some of the initial high of a new relationship has worn off... the hormones have calmed down and the giggly fits have subsided... it feels like my mind is trying to sabotage me.

Woke up in a start this morning, heart pounding. Wished I didn't dream the things I did.

At times, the memories and thoughts of what I've done will creep in, forcing me to confront myself.

I wonder if I'd ever find peace.

The temptation to check on F.. to ask for forgiveness.. is sometimes overwhelming. But I know I can't. And more importantly, I don't deserve it.

Li Wern talks about karma. Of consequences. I wonder if in the end, I may just create a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Because everytime I fall into this rut, I push ZW further away. And it's unfair to him.

I wish I can curl up in his arms all the time and not have to think. Because that's the only time I feel safe and not haunted by my own demons.

This is not something that he can help me with. Except be patient and understanding. I just pray he has both, and thinks I'm worth the effort.

Nut-nut is not a term of endearment

I read in 8 Days that Fann Wong calls Christopher Lee "爱爱" in private as a term of endearment.

As if struck by a bolt of inspiration, I turned to Fadz one evening and starting calling him "love-love" in my most manja of voices.

And of course, being Fadz, he gave me his patented "what the bleagh!" look.

Annoyed, I told him to christen a term of endearment for me too.

After a short pause, guess what the brilliant man comes up with?

NUT NUT.

So pleased with himself, he called me nut-nut nonstop for the next 5 minutes.

Why, someone please tell me, why I'm in love with a sadist?

Lost In A Relationship Haze

How do I deal with a man who doesn't voice his displeasure, makes plans without asking me, assumes that I remember all dates, when he knows full well that I'm one of the most scattered brain people on earth?

One of our traditions for the past few years has been that we'd watch the big Reds Clash. If you don't speak football, that's Manchester United facing off Liverpool.

Unfortunately, I do not keep track of the dates, and I made plans on the same night of the big match.

When I told F, his face fell and he kept quiet. Then he put on his "oh well, moving on..." face and tried to act nonchalant.

Of course I feel bad, of course I feel like a heel for forgetting the match. But since he knows that I make plans there and then, and he didn't care to remind me, assuming that I would remember and we'd do something together, even though we haven't spoken much in the past week...

It just irks me, this assumption.

I'm not one who does things on the downlow; everything has to be spelt out clearly, in advance, with proper notification.

And when I prodded him, asking if he was mad, he gives me answers like "why must everything be spelt out? can't you tell?"

I felt like hitting him.

After 7 years, I'm still clueless. I don't know if I should just hang my head in despair.

Flirt

I think women give off a lot of mixed signals when they are around guys. This may be a generalization, but women tend to flirt when around men, consciously or otherwise. Do we do it for the thrill of the chase, to bounce off signals and see if we get anything in return, to feel desirable, or do we do things without even realizing its impact?

All these thoughts hit me today when I was recording my weekly radio show with my co-host, Shah. Around guys that I have known for a while (and sometimes guys whom I do not know at all), I would, I dunno, tease and flirt a little. Everything completely harmless. And usually, I don't realize that I'm doing such things until some one (usually a girl) points it out. But for some reason, I felt like I was a separate entity watching "Joanne" interact with Shah.

I didn't even mean anything serious. Things like looking at him mischieviously with a twinkle in my eye, teasing him to provoke some kind of response, doing shoulder bumps to make a point, leaning into his personal space to read what he is reading... I wasn't trying to create any romantic illusions. Honestly.

Somehow, call it female intuition or whatever, I noticed a subtle change in his attitude. Almost as if the air changed, or his attitude towards me changed. So did my actions provoke some kind of reaction? I think so. Was I flirting? Perhaps. Why? I honestly have no idea.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not attempting to jump into another relationship. I'm not trying to create any kind of romantic spark. I'm not trying to provoke a reaction to show that I'm still desirable to men. It's just something I think I always do, and I wonder how many people I might have misled into thinking that I was into them, when all I was doing was playing?

I guess it's ok when both parties know that it's harmless and flirt for the fun and heck of it. You know the scenario: Boy and girl exchange signals all in the name of fun. It's fun to have that zing. As long as you know the zing is innocent. I'm not sure if I'm making enough sense.

But I don't think I'm alone on this. I guess a lot of it is really subconscious and depends on how the other party interprets the signal. How much the other party wants it to mean something.

The mating game is never easy. I suppose the only way we can possibly find a right partner is if we keep trying, keep sending out signals, and hope that eventually, some of those signals come back positive. So even around friends, we unconsciously/consciously (whatever, take your pick) send out signals, just to see if anything would happen.

This sounds like a pointless entry. Just an observation on my part. I attribute this reflection to something else, but since I've washed enough dirty laundry in public, I shall say no more.