I got on the weighing scale today...

And got the shock of my life.

I've put on so much weight since i got together with ZW.

Happiness is making me fat.

I've always been curvy, but hopefully in a sexy way.

This development, however, is.... Disturbing.

Argh.

Polygamy...

At work people, at work. In life, I'm monogamous, ok?

Being a bi (tri?) platform reporter is sucking the life blood out of me.

While we're expected to be like Mormon, polygamous men and treat all wives equally - attention, love, sex, money - I'm starting to feel more like a Chinese rich lord in ancient times - by taking on a new wife, I've neglected the old one.

What can I say - the new always looks brighter, shinier, more appealing. The old is familiar, comforting, but ultimately, tired.

So what's a girl to do?

The morning after

I realise that my worst sides are exposed when i'm in a semi-drunken haze - selfish, insecure and petty. Case in point: last night's rant.

So in the harsh glare of the morning after's cold sobriety, i realise just how unfair i've been to Fadz.

Post-breakup, i've villianised him and victimised myself. And for what - to make myself feel better, to ease my conscience?

If i'm being honest, i was probably stung by how easily he walked away. That he was able to get over our 8-year relationship in a few months, and was able to fall in love again shortly after.

I never did give him credit for the dignified way he conducted himself. If he had refused to give up, or kept calling me, i don't think my relationship with ZW would have taken off.

In all likelihood, i probably would have been eaten alive by guilt and indecision and would have ended things with ZW.

Instead, fadz made the decision that i couldn't - he walked away and never looked back. In those crazy weeks following china, i was a mess. At one point, i even suggested that we just date, me and the two guys, till i worked out how i really felt.

Stupid. I'm just glad neither agreed to that awful proposition.

But ya, i wonder what would have happened if fadz had really attempted to hold me back, to put another plaster over our fractured relationship. Would i have relented?

The logical fadz i know and loved made the right decision ultimately - he saw the bigger picture. He knew that he was unable or couldn't love me the way i needed to be loved.

And ironically, he was the one who opened up my eyes to what it means to be loved, and what i deserved. And when we had both hurt each other and lost trust and faith in our relationship, it was no longer viable.

So rather than dwell on what it could have been and what i had lost, i shall instead, cherish and celebrate what we had.

Fadz will always be my first love, the first guy who made me realise that i'm deserving and capable of great love. I will remember how he didn't eat for a whole week to save his allowance to buy me a necklace (which i broke when i accidentally left it in my uniform that ended up in the washer). How he surprised me one birthday by turning up at midnight, homemade cake in hand. The endless hours of guitar hero, the shared passion for music. He also taught me how to appreciate football. So many happy memories.

So that's why i know i'd found something special when i met ZW. He reawakened all those suppressed feelings. I didn't realise that i was compromising myself, ignoring my needs and wants, and living out my days on a hope and prayer, living on past memories when the actual spark had died out.

So while i wish fadz all the best, i don't think i'm ready to revisit any sort of interaction with him. It simply brings up too much angst, too much nolstagia, and it's not healthy.

For now at least, i'm concentrating on building my current relationship. :)

It's the new year!!

And I spent it in the most awesome manner... not working and in the company of my loved ones.

If today is any indication of the year ahead, I'm a happy girl.

There's nothing like waking up next to your loved one and rolling over for a big hug, spending a stormy afternoon baking in the kitchen while rocking out to great music, before settling down to a gut-busting sukiyaki dinner with the family.

Would have been the perfect day as I winded down in the evening with some good ol' travel research (yup, love the stuff).....

Until I opened FB and received a friend request from the ex. Huh. Left me speechless for a couple of minutes.

He spoke about new beginnings and stuff and left the ball in my court, i.e. it's up to me to add him. Or not. Not sure if he really wants me as a friend, wants to believe that everything is cool between us so that his conscience is clear before he proposes to his new girlfriend (haha!), or what.

Never was quite sure of what he was thinking of before, even less sure now.

So rather than speculate what he thinks.. here's what I think. I think it's weird. I know Alan and Li Wern said never say never and all that. That we are all adults and it's all in the past and we should shake hands and move on.

But my FB is a highly personal medium. I post a lot of inappropriate things on it, I add personal pictures and my life is quite an open, visual book.

To have the ex privy to that again is... weird. Similarly, do I want access to his life, to possible updates and pictures of his new relationship?

Sure, I know he reads my blog (or at least he did post-breakup) and I'm highly personal here too.

But that's HIS choice. He chooses to read my thoughts. If we're friends on FB, we're FORCED by the sheer nature of FB to see each other's updates, like a tiny prick on our conscious. And if I configured it such that I don't receive updates on him, then I might as well not add him, right?

Fadz will always be a part of me and I cherish certain memories of us together. There will always be certain triggers that evokes a memory that will bring a smile to my face, both bittersweet or otherwise.

But that's all the reminder I need of a life I once had.

I know some exes can be friends, but I'm not one of those people. How do you do it, anyway?

Maybe, maybe in the future, it might be possible. After all, we did make pretty good friends. Heck, we shared so many common interests, which might explain how we fell into a relationship.

But for now at least, it's simply... too weird.