Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Who's That???


Went KTV-ing with Mei Bao and Pei Wen today. Damn fun sia! But the realization that my voice is gone... sniff sniff.. is such a terrible let down.. Ahh, how i rue those days when i was overly enthusiastic about cheering (in stupid council and volleyball!) and thus destroyed my voice in the process... oh well...

We K-ed for 5 hours nonstop. Ye gads, it reached the point where we ran out of modern songs to sing and had to revert to the good old oldies. Think Emil Chau and Zhang Xing Zhe. *shudder* But it was fun... like bringing back the memories of a bittersweet childhood.

Anyway, the KB gang dropped a bomb on me today. They finally admitted to reading my blog. You see, I have given them the link before, but i never knew they read this blog. Coupled with the sudden tagboard messages left by people i haven't contacted in ages, i think i'm suffering from blog-paranoia. Even Sylvia Huang has tuned in to my blog one sunny afternoon.


Talk about irony. Here all along, i was feeling smug and safe in my blog stalking mode, thinking that people wouldn't know i flitted in and out, reading their most personal thoughts. Well, haha, the joke's on me. People are blog stalking me too! Haha.. (Maybe i should start wearing wigs and big sunglasses to hide my identity ala Julia Roberts... hmmm)

And what is the point of this entry? Nothing much actually. I just like to share my random thoughts with the world. Yes, i'm an exhibitionist. Sue me. *kiss kiss*

And I'm going for a job interview tomorrow with Pei Wen and Mei Bao!! It's really happening! I can no longer slack at home.. how tragic....

Note to self: Stop using the real names of people i know in my blog. Hahaha.. aiyah, actually, you all don't mind right? Gaining semi-celebrity status to an audience of... 20???

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Your dating personality profile:

Funny - You laugh often. People never accuse you of lacking a sense of humor. You don't take yourself too seriously.
Stylish - You do not lack for fashion sense. Style matters. You wouldn't want to be seen with someone who doesn't care about his appearance.
Big-Hearted - You are a kind and caring person. Your warmth is inviting, and your heart is a wellspring of love.

Your date match profile:

Funny - You consider a good sense of humor a major necessity in a date. If his jokes make you laugh, he has won your heart.
Shy - You are put off by people who are open books. You are drawn to someone who is a bit more mysterious. You want to draw him out of his shell and get to know what he is all about.
Romantic - You need someone with a traditional understanding of romance. A true romantic is a must-have in any potential date.

Your Top Ten Traits

1. Funny
2. Stylish
3. Big-Hearted
4. Romantic
5. Adventurous
6. Intellectual
7. Athletic
8. Liberal
9. Sensual
10. Wealthy/Ambitious
Your Top Ten Match Traits

1. Funny
2. Shy
3. Romantic
4. Adventurous
5. Wealthy/Ambitious
6. Stylish
7. Conservative
8. Intellectual
9. Big-Hearted
10. Sensual


Take the Online Dating Profile Quiz at Dating Diversions

Sensuality ranks so lowly? That's bullshit! LOL, other than that.. yeah, bring on the funny man! Funny, shy and romantic? Guess that sorts of describes Fadz.. dunno bout the romantic part though.. hehehe.

Monday, April 25, 2005

Chalet Baby!!!

Whhheeeeeee... Our LTB chalet just ended. All we did was eat, sleep and eat some more! The slackest, most aimless chalet i've ever been to! Haha... we stuffed ourselves so badly I felt like puking towards the end. Terrible right? And for the record, York, Aldric, Christina and I are the most hardcore chalet people. We stayed throughout the entire 4 days. Haha!
Hmm, I can't really provide a description of the chalet because we really didn't do anything! errrmm... oh yeah, we got ourselves pissed and high. The guys did, anyway. Lol, who would have thought that a couple of drinks could bring out a giggly Christopher, a violent Aldric and a turtle-like dancing Frank? By the last i mean that Frank was kinda high and at one point, he laid on his back, grabbed his feet and proceeded to spin around. It was hilarious. :)
I think i spent a lot of time talking to Aldric. That is one troubled boy. Sigh, 'nuff said. I just wish that i could help him.
And there was mahjong! Lost to Chris but wiped out Aldric. That boy really shouldn't gamble. Now he owes me so much money. Haizzzz....
From a third party's point of view, this must all sound terribly dull. But i think it was a glorious way to end an extremely stressed semester with the most chilled out chalet. If we relaxed anymore we might have melted into the floor. I'd be pretty damned if anyone is still feeling high strung. So really, it was fun! I recommend that people should get away every once in a while and do absolutely nothing! You'd be surprised at how tiring and yet rewarding it can be. :)
Oh well, time to get back to reality. Have to go scoping around for jobs. Bleah, how utterly dreadful. Why isn't Fadz rich enough for me to sponge off and live like a tai tai?????

Thursday, April 21, 2005

Some R & R!!

Phew! Finally, some time to blog. I've just finished the Show Me The Money Bootcamp, and I must say I'm immensely glad that it's over. Organising things can be such a pain in the ass, especially when you're in-charge of logistics. Hummppffh..
It sucks when the Profs whom you've emailed over and over again don't turn up on time. It sucks when Food Haven catering tries to stiff you. It sucks when after all that work people can still be such assholes.
Anyway, shall not dwell on the past. I'm still tying up loose ends and it's sooo stupid that I have to go back to school even after the event to squeeze money out of the school administration. Money that was put aside for us but impossible to attain due to too much red tape. By the time I get the money, I think we would have moved school already and everyone would forget.
And one thing I'm still reflecting on is the nature of the people I've chosen to work with, namely, Ventures people. Now, you must understand that these people are elitist and really smart in their own way. Most are hardworking, driven and very motivated individuals who want to start their own businesses. They are aspiring entrepreneurs. But what I can't decide whether I can accept is the fact that they are not confident. They are arrogant. Very, very arrogant. They think that their decisions are the best ones made, suggestions are heard but not listened, and all credit is due to them only. Case closed. Moreover, tact is overrated and being polite is for wussies. Right.
I've noticed this even in people I once thought were very mellow and well, nice. And yet, the change is there. I do not know if that person was always like that, or he changed after joining. Even I have changed. I have a lower threshold of tolerance for incompetence and if I fail, all the worse the self-censor. The hiccups I've experienced during this workshop made me feel absolutely useless for a while last night. I kept thinking about what went wrong and why it went wrong. And I felt so defeated. Defeated and angry at myself. It sucks when you cannot find peace with yourself.
so why am I giving myself so much stress? Sure, it would be nice if I could start my own business, but am I really cut out for it? Do I really want to walk into the business world knowing that most of them are assholes who would stab you in the back the moment they can? Do I really want to kill myself and give myself sleepless nights wondering if I'm making enough money?
and all this for what? Money? Success? Recognition? In the end, we're all still gonna get old. Companies will be taken over; I would be replaced by someone younger, and all the money in the world is not going to make me young again.
I guess that's why I treasure relationships so much. Because I don't want to lose my youth over some faceless, dead business only to realize too late that I will be too busy to ever have a companion and a family. I need people who know and trust me. People who love me and want to be around me. All the money in the world is not going to make up for the fact that I will be sitting alone in a cold office with tons of money in the bank, but no one to share it with. And when I'm 40, and deciding that I need a vacation, there's no one around because I've neglected all relationships except the business contacts.
because the one thing that I cannot abide more than the lack of good career prospect is the fear of loneliness. I hate being alone. Although some days I would wish that everyone dies and leave me alone, at the back of my mind I know that once I snap out of that mood, I would need to be with someone, talk to someone. I fear growing old alone more than anything. To not know companionship in my old age, to not have someone to love and be with... It's unimaginable.
perhaps this fear stems from a childhood of loneliness. I was the proverbial latch-key kid. my grandma died when I was 7. Both my parents were working. My sisters were always in school. I would go home to an empty house and wait. wait for it to be filled. Maybe that's why I sleep so much and hate lighting. I used to sleep so that time would pass more quickly and when I woke up, my family would be home. And I hate lightning cos it reminds me of times when I cowered in fear on my bed, knowing that there was no one in the house to comfort me.
How depressing a melancholic mood can be. I hope I snap out of it soon and not be a killjoy during the chalet. hehehe... And now I'm thinking that I won't be seeing Fadz the whole weekend.. Awwwww... Sianz... I know I'm too dependent on him. Why? Because he's the first person i know i can lean on no matter what. Love.. How grand.. *grinz*

Saturday, April 16, 2005

It's A Beautiful Day......

The smell of freedom is so sweet i want to wept. This morning, i leapt out of bed feeling ecstatic and that the heavyness in my heart was gone. Liberated. Ok, the leap out of bed was for a different reason. I was supposed to meet Kristin and Sylvia for a gym session at 9.45am and i woke up at 9.51am. Ah hell...
Anywayz, it was fun getting my lazyass up and moving. However, I resolutely avoided the treadmill. I'm just not a treadmill girl lah... Weights, slidemaster, weird machines, all can. Treadmill? Hell, no hell.
Followed that with a movie session with Fadz. I was bubbling over with joy when i saw him, feeling so happy that i could finally hang out with him without feeling guilty about having to study. Watched The Pacifier. Yes, yes, i know, what a terrible movie choice. But it was surprisingly entertaining; Vin Diesel is going down the Arnie-Kindergarten Cop way, but he is significantly cuter and a better actor than our dear Californian Governor. At least he doesn't talk funny. And like my sister says, i have no movie discretion. I watch any and all junk movies. But i can't help it! I love the movie experience! I love how the darkness envelopes me, watching something hopefully entertaining, and spending time with my sweetie and his arms around me. It's a contented feeling. =)
The day ended with an utterly scrumptious and satisfying dinner. My Dad turns the ripe old age of 54 and the women of my family treated him to dinner at Santory. It's this lovely, Japanese restuarant at Intercontinental Hotel and the waitresses dress in kimonos. Cute! The food is fantabulous. The salmon sashimi was so thick and fresh i thought i died and ate a bit of fish heaven; the beef, marinated and sauteed to rare perfection. Even the freaking tea was great! The rice aroma strong, well-steeped and cleared the palate after each course. Sigh... I love japanese food.
The biggest kick came when the bill came. Cos UOB is having a one-for-one special, so i decided, demanded that i would pay so that i can earn UNI points. I made my sisters and mum deposit money into my bank first. Haha, how lame right? I'm so lame I'm cool. So there. Disagree all you want. Haha!
All in all, good day, good day. Spent it in good company, surrounded in environments that constantly assaulted my senses and brought me many pleasures. Yay!

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

And We All Fall Down...

Only one more paper to go, Only one more paper to go, Only one more paper to go, Only one more paper to go, Only one more paper to go.....
The stats paper was ok. The FA paper was hell. It was miserable. It was crap. At least i didn't cry. Shhh.. do you know that i cried during my MA paper because i couldn't do it and i was so stressed out by Aldric (who was sitting next to me and writing furiously)? I had conveniently blocked out that unfortunate episode until one fine day Aldric decided to remind me. And then the horrors came crashing back into my head. Now i know why he's quite protective of me... cos he thinks i'm this weak, blubbering female who cries over tests. bbbllleeaaaahhhhh...
Anywayz, FA was a total disaster. The whole day was a total disaster. First, while queuing up for my food at the Yong Tau Foo stall, i accidentally tipped the tray and the sauce container on the tray flew at me. My top is officially destroyed and my skirt is no better. Haiz... To add to my pathetic existence, my chopsticks broke halfway while i was eating. Kristin and Sylvia nearly fell off their chairs from laughing too hard. Huummpffhhh. -_-'''
So i sulked all the way home, and having had enough, i poured myself a stiff drink of vodka coke and promptly fell asleep.
Sigh, why do i care so little about my exams? Why don't i bother studying and bringing the inner nerd within? Sigh. I wish something good will happen to me soon. I'm sick of this doldrum i'm in.
Since i'm totally non-religious, i can't pray to any God to make my life better. So i'm praying to all my friends who are reading this... "Eh! Do something nice for me leh!" hahaha... yeah right.
I can't wait for the chalet. York suggested.. no told me that we were going night cycling. When i told him i wasn't a stable rider, he told me that he will ask someone to drive so that i can sit inside the car. I nearly punched him. Idiot. Which is worse, an untactful guy or an idiotic guy? Oh yeah. i forgot. He's both. haha, christina and Syd, don't you agree?

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Men can be so gross

I feel like throwing up. Been reading this article from Reader's Digest about the rampant child-prostitution in Cambodia. There's this entire sex trade catered to the niche group of foreign and local pedophiles. Apparently, men get a kick from bedding girls as young as 4. How sick is is that?
One reason thrown up for this growing trend is that men get a high from knowing that they are the first to teach a virgin the pleasures of sex. Why the fucking hell would a 4 year old need to know the pleasures of sex? She's still a kid, her hormones are not even in order! And you're probably not the first to bed her, so don't give some fucking lame excuse and just admit that your brain is dead! And these poor girls have to service so many men a day. They're still children! How would you like it if your child was brutally raped over and over again!
It was so heartbreaking to read on. This undercover humanitarian pretended to be a customer and asked for young girls. These 2 young girls, ages 6 and 8, came to him, having been woken up by their pimps. It was like 10pm, these kids were sleeping, like any other kid! What other proof do you need that you are a monster and taking advantage of a helpless child?
Aarggh, it's moments like this that I really despise men. I know it's unfair to generalise, and there are really nice guys out there, but seriously, some men can be so fucking sickening.
Why are there boy prostitutes? Not because females get a kick out of bedding them (of course, there are those) but because some fucking mentally twisted men enjoy the tightness of anal sex and these boys cater to such needs. Because they have no choice. Because they have no bargaining power. Because they just want to die.
And because men are so concerned with friction that most don't want to wear a condom. If the girl tries to insist, she gets a thrashing first from the customer, then her pimp. So by the time these girls reach the age of 10, they are already HIV positive.
What do they think their way out of this misery is? To marry one of the foreigners that they have serviced. They write letters to these foreigners begging them to take them away. Yeah right.
Don't even get me started on the prostitutes in Vietnam. There's also a growing child-prostitution trade there. From some reports, the "mamas" would force pith into the girl's virgina, and then pour water in. When the pith absorbs the water, it expands, and expands the virgina. This is to cater to customers who complain that virgins have pathways too tight. Do you know that some girls die from this treatment? That they die from infection? That the pain is intolerable?
I feel like crying. I feel so helpless. What can I do to help these girls?

Sunday, April 10, 2005

Where To Now?

They weren't kidding when they said that NS is the mother of all relationship-destroyers. Things lately have gotten rather... off.

Our paths once crossed during our JC days. Being in such close proximity and undergoing the same experiences drew us closer. but now, our paths have diverged and i don't think our paths will cross soon enough again to stop this discontented feeling.

fadz doesn't understand what i'm going through. more accurately, he doesn't bother to know. because he's not experiencing the same situation, he shows little to no interest in my life. he hears, but he doesn't listen.

i'm not much better. to me, NS is and will always be some amusing notion of boys playing with guns, shooting at non-moving targets and priding themselves as being "combat ready" when all they really know is how to run up a hill in formation and go "bang bang".

but the thing is, school is my life, and NS is his. no matter how foreign the notion is, it is very real for the person undergoing it. and i can't relate, i just can't. i'm sick of being the understanding girlfriend, i'm sick of not having his presence around. i'm sick that he can go out in the middle of the night while i'm mugging away over things that i don't understand.

and the temptation. man, has li wern tried to warn me about it. correction, she kept telling me that i shouldn't tie myself down to a NS boy when i was surrounded by men. "why don't you go date some guys?" "then you can make a comparison." "maybe you'd find someone better."

someone has caught my eye. but that's just it. he possesses qualities that fadz doesn't have, and qualities that i once thought were critical in the man i love. but at the end of the day, i just want fadz. i just want to recapture that feeling of exhilaration, the feeling that we connected and he understood me. the feeling that we only needed each other and i didn't have to look elsewhere to feel understood.
i want to go back to our jc days.

Sunday, April 03, 2005

Time To Get Fat

And the biannual binge-a-thon begins. It's amazing how much crap i can shovel into my mouth when i'm bored or doing work. Ok, they mean the same thing to me. :)
I'm attempting to do my stats revision and boy is it a snooze-fest. oh god, damn the person who invented maths! it is so mind-numbingly boring that i can't sit still for more than 5 minutes. sigh, this is getting no where.
besides wasting my life away on a bunch of lifeless numbers, i'm killing my body. Seriously, anything that is bite-size beware! i devour grapes by the bunches and now i'm working my way through a packet of peanuts. i thought that since i would have to shell them, it would slow me down. Dreamer. All it did was slow down my writing speed. Why do i even bother?
Thank goodness my restrain against potato chips, the number one killer, is still holding. I find it totally annoying that some people eat chips but taking multiple dainty bites out of the same chip. Gad's sake, it's meant to be eaten in one bite! So stop desecrating this sacred action! bleah, if i stay at home any longer, i might soon lose the ability to get my ass off the chair. Someone help me!!!!!!
sigh. i'm bored. i'm unmotivated. i just want to get out and do something, but i have no idea what. when did i become so wishy-washy and indecisive? it's disgusting. really, it is. And now my thoughts can't even flow properly and i'm talking gibberish. i apologise to everyone who has to read this crap. must be all the calories clogging up the remnants of a once active mind. aaahh, do i miss those days when i sounded intelligent.

Saturday, April 02, 2005

the curtain closes...
my ltb course is over. Finally. It's not that i wasn't happy or anything... just that it can get rather tiring after a while. moreover, i did experience a couple of moments when i wanted to throttle some people.... lol, nah, at the end of the day, i'm eternally grateful to the Powers That Be for giving me such a great and dynamic group. No complaints, no major ones anyway. i think i would have died in the other groups. thank goodness that Illumino was made of personalities that could click.

well, back to the old rat race, not that i was truly out of it. all i did was merely shelf it aside to concentrate on the seemingly endless number of presentations. the exams are coming soon and i'm still procrastinating. bugger it. i need some motivation!!!! but what? what? how bout i might fail and get kicked out of school, lazyass? Right. Point taken.

anyway, check these photos out while my 2 personalities wrestle it out. *and in that corner, prudish Joanne slams lazyass Joanne onto the floor... but wait! what is this? Lazyass Joanne trips prudish and she's down! Lazyass wins again!*

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doing our best impersonation of The Apprentice. muahaha.
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our ltb journey depicted through photos. sniff sniff.