Baby Steps

So I've been a missus officially for almost a month, and the most common question I'm asked is, "how's married life?"

Not very different, honestly.

Sure, the mister has moved in and my space has effectively been cut in half.

I had to say goodbye to a far number of clothes and books, but it's worth it. That's what I tell myself to feel better anyway.

My sleep patterns are a bit off because I'm a 9 - 6 girl, while ZW's schedule is all over the place (something I definitely do not miss about reporting).

So I try to stay up to spend some time with him, or else I'm effectively sleeping next to a person but not interacting much with him.

Other than that, it's simply getting used to another person in the house I suppose.

For him, he feels like an outsider moving into my home (a hopefully temporary solution to a housing crisis). My family has been absolute troopers, trying not to scare off the husband but smothering him with too much attention.

ZW too has been trying his best to fit in. It's difficult, of course. When our tempers clash, he never ceases to remind me that he's the one making the sacrifice, moving into a foreign situation and trying to acclimatize.Sure, I may have offered to do the reverse, but circumstances dictated that him moving in was the best solution.

So I try to hold my tongue when he unleashes his fiery temper, I try to squash my natural instincts to be a dirty, messy person and roll happily in my own filth. Because it's not just about me anymore.

For the most part, I feel like we are making progress, trying to fit into each other's rhythms.

But then we have a fiery blowout and I feel deflated again. I would then sit on my gorgeous new queen size bed (big perk of married life) and wonder what I've gotten myself into. The selfish single in me questions the point of giving up my free-wheeling ways, clamping down on after hours activities, cutting down the drinking, the clubbing, trying to be a cleaner person... and for what? So that he can still find fault with me? Wouldn't it be easier if we just lived apart.

Yup, things do suck royally on occasions.

But on other occasions, when he encourages me to pursue my passion for cooking, when he swallows half my cake to show support, when he smiles after a long day at work because I greet him at the door, when I fall asleep and he kisses me goodnight... these precious memories somehow make it all worth it.

And that's really it, I guess. Having a companion, a witness to your life. To feel like your actions have meaning, that what you do affects another person. That at the end of the day, bad behaviour can hurt someone, that good behaviour delights a person. To feel like you have an anchor to this world and that I'm accountable for, and to another person. To feel like I matter.

So deep breathe, baby steps people, baby steps.

Now the quake gets personal...

I suppose you must have heard that the biggest earthquake to hit Japan struck on Friday afternoon.

I spent the whole day chasing down Singaporeans to interview, and finally got through.

Just when I thought I was done with the situation.. well, the situation just got personal.

My mum and sis are en-route from New York to Japan, before coming back to Singapore.

The last I heard, their flight got delayed, and I'm not sure whether chaos would greet them at Japan. I just hope flights can still get out of Narita.

And now the boyfriend is being sent to the actual disaster site to report.

I'm terrified. The whole newsroom was fixated on the images coming out of Sendai. Entire coasts, homes, vehicles, farmland were wiped out in sheer minutes. The tsunami spread so quickly, some cars became trapped. We saw people run out of their cars and make a dash for it, running somewhere, anywhere, to get away from the black water threatening to overwhelm them.

Aftershocks are expected. And ZW might be walking into them. Hello sleepless nights..

I'm Stuck In A Rut

At work, in life... just stuck.

It's like being in limbo - there's no sense of movement, just a floating sensation that time is passing me by, but nothing concrete is happening.

It gets worse.. I'm not even sure what's a viable alternative. Seriously, I think I'm in a sucky position, but what's a better option?

Sometimes I wonder how I got here. I had a defined path, I was actively pursuing it.. and then the winds blew me here. And I've been here for 3 years, and still not sure what I'm doing.

And that's really the story of my life. I see the pattern repeated over and over again. Just when I put my mind down and decide on a course of action, after I've made peace with it... the winds of fate blow me completely off course.

So am I waiting for the next gust of wind? Have the heavens grown bored of me? Am I finally left to my own devices?

Yes, I'm in a rather dramatic mood at this hour.

In other, completely unrelated news... I met a mutual friend of F and mine today. We starting chit chatting and I know he meant no harm..

He mentioned that F told him bits and pieces of how things ended, and he said I cheated on him.

Cheated. Such an ugly word.

But I guess it was simply calling a spade a spade.

I don't regret my decision, I really don't.

Perhaps the only thing I do possibly regret is that I started something when I was still in a relationship.

But hey, the best advice I received, strangely enough, came from F.

He said the heart is seldom wrong.

It's the new year!!

And I spent it in the most awesome manner... not working and in the company of my loved ones.

If today is any indication of the year ahead, I'm a happy girl.

There's nothing like waking up next to your loved one and rolling over for a big hug, spending a stormy afternoon baking in the kitchen while rocking out to great music, before settling down to a gut-busting sukiyaki dinner with the family.

Would have been the perfect day as I winded down in the evening with some good ol' travel research (yup, love the stuff).....

Until I opened FB and received a friend request from the ex. Huh. Left me speechless for a couple of minutes.

He spoke about new beginnings and stuff and left the ball in my court, i.e. it's up to me to add him. Or not. Not sure if he really wants me as a friend, wants to believe that everything is cool between us so that his conscience is clear before he proposes to his new girlfriend (haha!), or what.

Never was quite sure of what he was thinking of before, even less sure now.

So rather than speculate what he thinks.. here's what I think. I think it's weird. I know Alan and Li Wern said never say never and all that. That we are all adults and it's all in the past and we should shake hands and move on.

But my FB is a highly personal medium. I post a lot of inappropriate things on it, I add personal pictures and my life is quite an open, visual book.

To have the ex privy to that again is... weird. Similarly, do I want access to his life, to possible updates and pictures of his new relationship?

Sure, I know he reads my blog (or at least he did post-breakup) and I'm highly personal here too.

But that's HIS choice. He chooses to read my thoughts. If we're friends on FB, we're FORCED by the sheer nature of FB to see each other's updates, like a tiny prick on our conscious. And if I configured it such that I don't receive updates on him, then I might as well not add him, right?

Fadz will always be a part of me and I cherish certain memories of us together. There will always be certain triggers that evokes a memory that will bring a smile to my face, both bittersweet or otherwise.

But that's all the reminder I need of a life I once had.

I know some exes can be friends, but I'm not one of those people. How do you do it, anyway?

Maybe, maybe in the future, it might be possible. After all, we did make pretty good friends. Heck, we shared so many common interests, which might explain how we fell into a relationship.

But for now at least, it's simply... too weird.

Life Can Take Many Unexpected Twists

Had a moment of reflection this morning, in the most unexpected of places.

I was swimming in a private bay that belongs to the Ritz Carlton in Bahrain, where I'm currently stationed for the week for work.

So there I was, all alone on this gorgeous beach, surrounded by blue green water, with the towering Bahrain financial centre in the distance.

I looked up into the azure sky, and it suddenly hit me how strange this all was.

If you had asked me at the start of this year to predict how my life would be like for 2010, my wildest guess probably wouldn't have come close to taking an overseas working trip to Bahrain.

Who would have thought that my life would change so much in just 11 months. I ended an 8-year relationship which at one point, I thought would have led to marriage and a total life-changer.

I started a new relationship in the strangest of ways - meeting a stranger in a foreign land and tumbling head over heels in a matter of days.

My bosses appear to trust me with more responsibilities - which may or may not be a good thing (hah).

I travelled more in this past year than the last few years combined.

And now I'm staying at the Ritz Carlton for one whole damn week.

Can I just say how trippy the Middle East is?

Being part of the President's entourage has been an eye-opener. Traffic being stopped for the escorted motorcade, being driven around in a BMW, complete with beefy, scary, hilarious Arab driver, meeting kings and princes... just crazy.

So when I say life can taken many unexpected twists... all i can is, go with it. You never know just how far from home you can get.

And I'm Off Again...

This time to Bahrain. For work. Leaving on Saturday.

When I first had the notion that this was going to be my travel year, I never envisaged it being THIS crazy.

Just a short 5-day jaunt. But it's my first tv thingy, so rather stressed out.

I pray nothing goes wrong.

Oh, and life has picked up again. I guess it's really true. When you feel down in the dumps and like life is pissing rain on you.. somehow, things do come around.

Looking forward to Christmas!

I'm so not a long-distance relationship kinda girl

So the boyfriend is off in Japan for 8 days.. and we've been relying on Skype to stay in contact.

Let me just state now and forever that I will never be a long distance relationship kinda girl.

Seriously.

Not only does it suck that I can't simply meet up with him, it sucks even more that we have to rely on technology.

And boy, do I have a strong distaste for technology.

With F, our relationship degenerated into an sms-once-in-a-while situation. And with texts, you can't hear or see the emotion, the true intent behind the polite "haha" or "love you baby" (creature of habit, much?)

Thought things would be significantly better with Skype, what with pictures and stuff. Not quite.

I'm using an ancient camera that's low definition. And without a mike, I'm practically shouting at my computer. Throw in a patchy connection that requires me to shout and repeat, shout and repeat, add in a grumpy and tired boyfriend who's had little sleep... and you get a combustive mix.

It was pretty much a you-stare-at-me-stare-at-you thing. And we both logged off in a huff.

Argh, so annoying. Screw this.

Oh, and I bumped into Becky at NUS on Monday. She's F's good friend. I was a little shocked that she would greet me, much less say hi and chat with me for a bit. I refrained from asking about F because A) There were other people listening in on the conversation, B) she was so nice and I felt bad troubling her.

I always wonder how our mutual friends stand over the breakup. I knew that when F broke up with me, my KB friends despised him, the uni people were compassionate but largely indifferent as F was this entity that flitted in and out, and Wern cursed him like the great supportive girlfriend she is, bless her soul.

So at the back of my mind, I was wondering why Becky was so nice to me. Maybe she doesn't know the cause of our breakup? Maybe she really is (and she really is) a great and nice person?

Sigh, too complicated. Shall not dwell. It's getting easier these days to well.. not dwell and not mope over certain things. I guess time really is the answer. That, and enough trashy tv to wipe clean my mind.

Random Updates

I'm bored in the office. Will blog about random things.

As some of you may know, I was at the Padang yesterday reporting about the parade.

Thing is, I was so bored that I started snapping random pictures and uploading them on Facebook.

But since the whole world was probably equally bored and restless and plugged into their 3G phones, this meant the airwaves (internet waves? I dunno) were jammed.

Which made uploading photos a bitch. and battery-draining.

So I spent the whole afternoon rushing in and out of the media centre to charge my phone in-between attempting to do work. And the bloody phone still died in the end when I needed it the most - to call for a cab home. Sigh.

Fast forward to today. The boyfriend stayed over and graciously escorted me to work this morning.

Except that he dropped his phone in the cab. Some kind soul then called me cos I was the latest person on his phone log. So there I was, waiting for the cab to make a u-turn to where I was (high court, no less).

And I was wondering if the boy would be smart enough to call me. Cos just last week, we got into a ridiculous argument when he couldn't remember my handphone number. He kept saying he has his phone with him at all times and doesn't need to memorise numbers. I asked huffily what happens if he loses his phone.

Ah life is funny that way.

Anyway I knew he was walking about City Hall and figured I might as well check out the nearest shopping centre to see if I could bump into him.

Looked around, couldn't find him, then sat down for breakfast with another colleague who was also at court.

Lo and behold, ZW was in the same cafe, just blocked by a wall. HAHAHA! COINCIDENCE OR WHAT!

Then my stupid colleague had to leave his notebook behind. What is it with men and leaving things behind for me to pick up!!!!!

Ok, end of random update. Will go back to my regular schedule of thumb twiddling... which is a good thing. Cos I'm so bloody sleepy and tired.

BRAIN.NOT.FIRING.ON.ALL.LEVELS.

Sometimes, I do pity the boyfriend

Cause when I'm in the mood, I can be downright horrible to be around.

I'm caustic, I flit from topic to topic trying to suppress my irritation, nothing holds my attention for long, I itch for a good yelling match, I allow myself to wallow into the depths of annoyance and impatience...

Like I said, I pity the boyfriend.

And it can be bewildering to keep up, as I switch from smiling, to sulking, to cutting, to pleasant. Huh, sometimes I even amaze myself.

Then I start to talk to quickly, speak in weird lingo (influenced by years of trashy American tv-meets mtv-meets e! entertainment) that can be confusing for someone with a more traditional (tv) viewing habit.

And when ZW goes "huh?" or fails to keep up with my (failed) logic, I get pissed off, like "get with the programme already!"

For someone (him) who takes things very personally, my unintention snub can turn potentially fatal.........

Sigh. I think I'd try even a saint's patience at this point.

Anyways, I'm back to sulking.

Today's Funny, courtesy of my mum

I'm heading off to Batam for the weekend, with the girls and ZW.

Massage haven, here I come to get kneaded and pounded!

Speaking of ZW, my family keeps calling him that, ZW. They say his name is difficult to pronounce. Huh.

Anyway, my mum has the habit of taking down the handphone numbers of the people I'm travelling with (yes friends, my mum can stalk you guys).

So I have her ZW's number. And it's a pretty sweet number. Plenty of eights and easy as pie to remember.

My mum, immediately impressed, starts counting the numbers and plotting her next 4-D bets.

Sigh.

J'adore

After a really crummy day at work (stupid floods are ruining my life!), I was all ready to collapse and was walking around the office like a zombie.

Think 12-hour day, chasing floods, tracking down drains... on an empty stomach.

Thankfully, I have a wonderful support system around me.

I reached home, and my mum promptly steamed up a ba zhang for me, while my sis poured me a stiff drink of choya, straight up.

And still in his work clothes (he came by my office to pick me up), my darling ZW started cooking soup for me.

He even put up with my diva request "I don't like lumps in my soup".

Sure, it was instant soup, but hey, sweet nonetheless. Nothing like a man who knows his way around the kitchen. Sexy.

Pity I still fell sick today. Argh.

Huh, I was all ready to write a really sweet and dreamy post.

But then, we got into this massive... argument? Heated discussion? Yelling match? It may have been online, but I swear, I could totally imagine us screaming at each other if we were speaking in person.

And what sparked it off? Apple. And world domination.

*insert swear words*

I broke up with Fadz.

Guess there's no need to be cryptic anymore; those who need to know, know.

So for the 2 people who still read my blog...

Everyone has been asking me why? And I'm still trying to find a definitive answer.

Because... "just because" doesn't quite cut it huh?

I don't even know if I was unhappy.. it just felt like I was trying to gloss so many things over - not talking about Fadz with my friends, acting like I was a single girl when he's not around, checkin out guys all the time, ignoring the fact that there was no more spark.

And sad as it sounds, I think it boils down to that. A lack of spark. Sure, I know what a lot of people might say. It's been 8 years, for god's sake! of course there's no spark! But in exchange you get comfort, familiarity.... blah blah blah.

I get it. I understand that intellectually. But emotionally, I refuse it. How can it be that a couple can go days on end not talking, and not feel like something is wrong, or worse, not feel a sense of longing?

How can I be in a relationship that made me give and give, but not feel like I'm getting much in return?

I didn't feel cherished anymore, or wanted, or desired. And since we weren't talking, weren't communicating, weren't meeting... what's the compensation?

And even when I was breaking up with Fadz, he didn't reach out, he didn't fight, he simply sat there and kept quiet. I don't think I can take inertia, or the lack of initiative anymore.

And so.. I'm done.

Is there another guy? Partly, but things are complicated there as well and quite frankly, I'd be smart not to hold my breath in that department.

So I think the best thing I can do for myself at the moment is to enjoy being single.

Who's with me? :)

And so it's done.

I wonder if it's normal to feel so.... calm.

It's not like I feel a great sense of relief or anything, no hellalujah moment. But neither do I feel like the world is closing in on me.

I wonder if this is merely the calm before the storm?

I simply felt exhuasted, went to sleep, woke up. And the world still feels the same.

Denial? Or long time coming?

Huh.

Next move?

Another Cryptic Message

Putting the melodramatics and hysteria aside, I don't think I've been unhappy thus far.

A little frustrated at times, have expectations that are sometimes not met, but on the whole, not too bad.

Think the problem now is that I've been stuck in the same position for too long, feeling like I'm sinking under with each passing day.

Losing a little of myself, losing the zest for life. Settling into a comfortable position and moulding myself into someone with a definitive path that's hard to deviate from.

I'm not saying that's necessarily a bad thing, but it may not be the best representation of my true spirit either.

Perhaps in time to come, those may be the things I crave, but for now, I'm not too sure.

So now the question is, do I want to continue with a warm, familiar routine that has a low chance of failure barring self-destruction and perhaps work towards that stable piece of mind...

or do I want to leap into the delicious unknown with abandon, not knowing if someone will really catch me?

I think I'm starting to see that the two are not mutually exclusive.

The latter was merely a catalyst that jolted me out of my state of inertia. Maybe things would have eventually come to a head anyway. Made me face my current situation and examine what I really want.

But things have gotten more complicated because the catalyst is also turning out to be an option.

So Joanne, now what?

Crossroads

I'm literally standing at a crossroad, hesitant to take a step in either direction.

Who would have thought such a day would arrive?

And already, I'm splintering into pieces.

Things have to come to a resolution soon. Either in a giant blowout or be eaten from within.

Mmm. Tempting options.

New Year Resolutions... Who Gives A Fuck?

I know, I know, it's not like me to get so angsty.

But it's that time of the year where a standard sweep of blogs will reward you with entry after entry of pointless new year resolutions (seriously: 20 new goals for 1 year??) that will most likely never be kept.

I gave up trying to set new targets circa... I can't even remember.

I suppose the feeling of helplessness and the futility of it all was heightened this year, thanks to having to work on New Year's Eve AND New Year's Day.

I bid farewell to 2009 in the office. Too exhausted to go out, I simply went home because all I could think about was sleep.

Think I managed to put in one message to Fadz before blacking out.

And before I knew it, it was dawn and time for me to get to work.

I spent the first half of 2010 alone in the whole goddamn office as other people gradually stumbled in after 12pm.

As the pond scum in my organisation, I was assigned the morning shift to "hold the fort".

Not that I was REALLY complaining. Because I'd take peace and quiet over having to face a stupid monkey ANY day.

As a sidetrack, it's completely farcical and ridiculous for a 34-year-old grown man to pass notes back and forth with another colleague behind my back, because he wanted to bitch about me.

I was so sorely tempted to shoot an email welcoming him to the Age of Technology, and suggesting that email or msn might be a better platform for office bitching.

At least you look like you are working.

Plus, you save trees.

Anyway, it's hard to think about 2010 as a new beginning, when it seems so similar to the old year, doesn't it?

To top it all off, I think the stress at work caused me to have a mild panic attack over the weekend, when I finally got to get some rest.

I called it a quarter-life crisis, but thinking back, it sure felt like a panic attack.

The sudden panic that there was something wrong with my life. The nonstop questioning within me.

Like I've accomplished nothing in my 2 years of work, and there was nothing to look forward to. And the saddest part was, I felt like I couldn't muster enough energy to GIVE A DAMN.

At first I couldn't pinpoint the source of the discontent growing in me, and even began to question if I was unsatisfied with my relationship with Fadz. Luckily, he bore it with good humour and faith (as usual) and talked me out of my hysteria.

But honestly, I wake up now with dread in my heart whenever I think of work.

Oh god, how long more can this continue?

If there is one thing that I want to do this year, is to travel more.

Once I've gotten the wanderlust out of my system, then I'd decide what to do with my life, career wise.

In case you are mistaken, I'm not looking to climb the corporate ladder or be some high-powered executive.

Hell no. All I'm asking for is a job that pays me fair wages, working hours that do not tear me up from the inside, and an environment that actually cultivates learning instead of pure stumbling along.

For now, I'm just trying to channel happy thoughts.

And the travel year is shaping up!

Jan: A highly-anticipated spa getaway to Batam with the KB girls. Nothing like cheap labour and A&W! to rub some tension out of me.
Feb: Heading to the Big Apple and Boston to meet the sister. Can't wait to run my fingers through snow, breathe in intoxicating crisp, cold air and be amazed by the sights, sounds and smells of New York even in winter.
June: Fadz is finally, finally graduating! (no longer dating a student! double income!) Am persuading him that it's worth spending money on a grad trip. Maybe Istanbul. or Bangkok. Maybe Australia. Haven't really decided.
Dec: Maybe finally get to take that long awaited Europe trip with Sylvia, Kristin and Uncle Shawn! Eh Kris, if you reading this.... can still go or not, Mrs Han-t0-be?

Anyway, that's the plan for now.

How am I financing it? Through sheer positive thinking, sucking it up at work for now... and eh, I dunno, praying for money to fall from the sky.

Tragedy, Joanne style

Let me tell you a tragic life story, MY tragic life story.

So today, I get recalled from my off day because there's a housing story and that's my beat.

That's ok, not that tragic. Quite commonplace, in fact.

I dress casually, all ready to run around to do interviews on the streets later.

Not my favourite part of the job, but again, not tragic.

My event ends and I'm supposed to go on air in 10 minutes to give a live report.

Needing to pee badly, I rush off to the toilet.

Here's where it gets tragic.

In my haste to answer nature's call, and get my act together in time to file a LIVE report, I tug a little too vigorously on my jean's zip.

AND THEN THE ZIP SPLITS.

Panicking, I pull my shirt in a lame attempt to cover my gaping crotch.

If I don't move too much, it's actually quite hard to tell that my zip's updone.

But for the rest of the day, I'm tugging my shirt, adjusting my pants, all in a lame attempt not to flash my white undies at the rest of Singapore.

In the office, at the canteen, out on the streets....

Sigh.

Why do such things happen to me?

That's another thing that goes on my shopping list.

Must Counter the Bad with the Good

Big change at the office. Since the company is not ready to tell the world yet, I suppose it would do me no good to blab it on the World Wide Web, even if only a handful of people read this.

But suffice to say, it APPEARS to be more work, but not more pay. I shall wait and see what happens once things really take off.

As our dear Labour Chief says, we must improve productivity! Produce, produce, produce, cattle! Watch our for that whip!

My whole office is definitely not happy with the changes but alas, being mere mortals and minions, things are always beyond us. Paid slaves, that's what we are.

Anyway, to counter to misery, I went out and.......

BOUGHT A Wii!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

With Full Band Kit!!!

Fadz and I shared the cost.

10 minutes before we bought the thing, we were discussing who would get what should we break up.

Haha, yes, we are very practical/morbid/ge gao folks. And since I paid more, of course I get the console. He gets to keep the Guitar Hero Full Band Kit. Hmmm... maybe it would be enough incentive to get back together should we break up just so we can make beautiful music. HAHA!

But the thing is a health hazard to unfit people. We played for hours on end over the weekend, and since Fadz was still fasting, we didn't even stop for water!

So all that drumming, tennis and boxing really took a toll on me. At one point, I couldn't even lift my hands higher than my shoulders! Then my sides started to ache so badly that I couldn't even find a good position to sleep.

Sigh...

But, still super psyched!

Except I'm now in the office, on a public holiday, working. Bleagh. Can't wait to go back to my Wii man.

Beware the shoe pervert

Urgh, there's a serious sicko/pervert/weirdo running around in my block. Not sure if he/she is afflicting my neighbours, but I'm this close to setting traps for the bastard/bastardette.

I live on the top floor of my HDB block and there are only 2 families on that floor.

Unsurprisingly, we tend to extend our use beyond the gate and colonise the corridor with random stuff like shoes, bicycles and whatnot.

With 3 women in the house, my family puts most of our (considerable number of) shoes outside in the corridor, in a bid to save space and not overrun the house with heels, slippers and shoes.

For the past couple of weeks, there's been a truly SICK pervert who's been stealing our shoes.

The strangest thing is, this asshole is taking only one side of each pair of shoe.

That's right, you read correctly. ONE SIDE.

For god's sake, if you want the shoe so badly, at least take both sides!!! What the hell are you doing taking only the right side of each pair of shoes???? Do you have like 3 right feet?

So far, three pairs of high heels have befallen this freak of nature.

And they are not even new, clean shoes. These are well-trodden, slightly smelly (hey, you try wearing shoes every day and see if there's no foot smell) shoes that have been through quite a bit.

So either this person enjoys my foot odour (eww), is somebody with a sick sense of humour, or an alien with 3 right feet.

I'm so bloody annoyed. Yes, it gives me an opportunity to go shopping for new shoes, but sooner or later, everything ends up outside due to space constraints in the house.

Yes, we do own that many pairs of shoes.

So I curse that said thief to damnation and beyond. If it's a guy, may his hands rot and penis fall off. If woman, curse you with eternal bad fashion sense, bad breath and droopy boobs!

Maybe I should think about setting mouse traps, alarm systems and CCTV.

HUmpf.