T-minus 5 Hours

I'm getting married.

Just a year ago, Zhaowei popped the question in Prague.

We didn't do anything for the longest time, before something clicked and I was like, "shouldn't we be planning a wedding?"

The process was slow going, as we struggled to complete one task per weekend and yet, not forget to spend time as a couple.

In some sense, I've not really thought about what getting married means. There's still the official wedding ceremony in March. Today is merely the legal proceeding to satisfy the Singapore court.

So I'm married, but not quite.

And even after the March wedding, we won't be starting a life together. Because we have no home. You read that right - we aren't going to stay together.

We're still in queue for a BTO flat, but the situation could change in the near future. Everything is in limbo.

Some people think it's weird, others sympathize and have been in a similar situation.

So how does one grow up and meet the next milestone in life, when things are pretty much status quo?

After all the flowers have wilted and the gorgeous gown returned, I'll still be going home to the home I've known my whole life. I'll still see my husband/other half once a week as there's no space or option of moving into one house.

Will my life have changed in any real sense, aside from wearing a ring and ticking the married box?

Ok, I'm just freaking out a little. It's really here. I need to concentrate on the main thing - which is tying myself in every possible way to the love of my life. (Omg did I just quote Twilight????? I must really be freaking out!)

The First Month...

Has been filled with love, puzzlement, new discoveries, laughter and anger. Yup, I think we've covered quite a wide range.

It's both exhilarating and scary to know a new person, and attempt to find out if something long term can be established. Especially under our circumstances.

With schedules as mad as ours, we are often left with snatches of time, precious hours after work, stolen moments in between maintaining some normalcy of life.

Throw in friends, family, work, birthdays.. and sleep goes out the window. But I suppose it's a small sacrifice for what I get in return.

It's the small things that leave the deepest impressions. The small gestures, sometimes unconscious, that can cause me to both smile and leave me vexed.

I love how his face can be a picture of serenity, but his ears will turn a flaming red when he's had alcohol, is embarrassed or gets angry.

I love that he gives me bear hugs that feel like my bones are about to break, leaving me breathless and warm.

He doesn't use cologne, but gives off this musky smell that permeates from his skin and gets onto his clothes, that I'm crazy about.

He's real friendly and not shy to strike up a conversation with my family or friends.

Did I mention that he serenaded the KB girls during our KTV session with 张学友's "如果爱", which caused Meibao to ask if he was in choir, and all I could think was " damn, my boyfriend is hawt!"

He has kinda impressed my family with his scholarly achievements, but what really took it over the edge was when he referenced the Great Gatesby during a conversation Cheryl and I was having about Long Island, New York. I caught the glint of surprise and approval on Cheryl's face.

He walks with a slight hunch, and I'm always reminding him to stand up straight.

He gives me these long looks that I'm unable to look away from, and I find myself hopelessly lost in his gaze, no mean feat considering that his eyes are so small (hur hur hur).

He's shown great patience and understanding when I fall into a funk, or get majorly guilt-ridden. At no point did he ever say "snap out of it".

He's so ticklish that I can just give him a "look with intention" and he'd immediately recoil from my touch and burst into laughter.

He likes to ruffle my hair and call me "silly girl" in a tender manner - something that both annoys me and yet, causes me to break into a smile.

Of course, the man is by no means perfect.

He has an awful temper, and is quick to get angry.

Sometimes, I don't even realise that I'm antagonizing him, but he takes it personally and gets real fired up.

He doesn't like dissent, which I do real well. In fact, I'm all for differing opinions, but he hates that.

He rushes into things head first, sometimes without thought, and gets frustrated when I'm not as eager, or quick to get on board.

Er, I know the con list is really short compared to the pro list... but they're BIG cons ok!!!!

I wonder what the next month will bring. :)

Welcome to my life

So ZW met Kristin, Sylvia and Shawn last night.

And I must say it was a little... awkward.

Unlike the meeting with Gerrie and Jiamei, where the alcohol had already been flowing and everyone was merrily buzzed by the time ZW arrive, this get-together was done entirely sober.

I suppose it's too much to expect that everyone would be instantly comfortable and talking freely with ZW.

And I can't assume that everyone is entirely ok with the situation.

Shawn has taken on a slightly hostile stance. I wouldn't say he's rude.. just stand-offish perhaps? So unless his normal warm self.

Kristin says he's just being a daddy and protective of me. Huh. I'm like how old already, can? Tried to make a joke out of it, but only elicited dead silence.

And the last time I saw Kristin, I was with a different guy -_-'' We did laugh about that, albeit nervously.

So being me, I tried to over-compensate and started chattering away like a monkey. Didn't work either. Sigh.

Next time perhaps. Right, guys? There will be a next time????

Anyway, ZW is coming over to my house for a family dinner tomorrow. That should be fun. He's already met the parents, but in a "hi-i'm-taking-your-daughter-out-for-her-birthday" kinda meeting.

This time, however, will be the full works. Whole family present, seated around the family table, for a couple of hours at least, with hot soup (steamboat) between us.

I'm getting a bit nervous, quite honestly.

AND DEAR READERS (all 2 of you), YOU CAN'T STOP READING FROM THIS POINT ON COS I FEEL A GUSHFEST COMING ON AND YOU MIGHT SERIOUSLY BARF.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

It's been slightly more than 20 days since we officially got together. And I can only describe the feeling as... magical.

There's been surprisingly little awkwardness between us. Sure, I knew we have chemistry, but I didn't think things would fall into place this easily. Sometimes, it feels like he's been walking beside me forever.

He makes me incredibly happy because he's funny, and lame, and sweet and yet, so.... male.

There's this arrogance about him that's both frustrating and so charming. He always wants things his way, and yet, when he yields, it feels like my heart just melts a thousand times over.

He speaks a foreign language - Japanese - and even though I have no either what he's whispering in my ear.. it just sends a tingle down my spine.

And I'm sure you guys know I'm no delicate flower, and yet, I sometimes find myself feeling so utterly vulnerable and... feminine around him.

I love stroking his face. As much as it irks me that his skin is a billion times better than mine, I love having my own personal, warm satin blanket. Yup, that's how it feels when he wraps his arms around me.

Sure, it's not been all smooth sailing.. and there have been a couple of petty arguments and minor disagreements.

It's moments like these that I get a closer glimpse at the person ZW is. Sometimes, it scares me because what I think is a small thing can set him off big time.

And he would throw up this wall between us and refuse to look at me and start fiddling with his Blackberry.

Which sucks. And with a temper like mine, patience is most certainly not a virtue.

And I find myself caught between two options - to be coldly logical and ask him to snap out of it, or swallow some of that rush of anger and try to work things out.

Surprisingly, I've found myself choosing the latter. Maybe cos I'm using the one causing the misunderstanding.

I wonder how I would react when it's the other way around. Hmmm... or it must be lluurrrvvee. Haha..

Ok, I shall end here. Starting to ramble anyway. Huh, I write coherent angsty posts, but my thought process is less clear when I'm happy. Wonder what that says about me.

So what am I scared of?

I wonder what's causing so much hesitance on my part.

The fact that things are progressing so quickly, and yet so well?

That I am still amazed and puzzled that a person can be so intense, so all-consuming, so passionate, that I fear it's going to crash and burn?

The fact that I got out of something that has been a part of me for nearly half my life, and leaped head first into another major thing without a break in between?

This morning, I woke up and wanted to tell my mum about ZW. Cos the whole "I'm meeting a friend" line is getting lame.

And tiring.

And I keep having to worry that I'm going home too late and not having a credible alibi beyond going "mmmm..."

But every time I tried to open my mouth, something gagged in my throat.

What is it? Fear? Fear that I'd be judged by my own mother?

I'm really not sure. When I first told her that I broke up with F, cos the feeling is gone, she gave me a long look, and then yelled "how can liddat? When you get married how?"

Valid point, but I'm still young and idealistic and a hopeless romantic fool and I refuse to accept that.

So... if I were to tell her that I'm in a new committed thing (I can't even say the R word), would she freak out and think I'm just having a flight of fancy? That I'm on the rebound, or that I'm just being.. promiscuous?

It took her so long to accept F.. how can I just throw another guy into her life so soon, right?

Aaarrggghhhh... ZW has been incredibly patient (most of the time)... but I guess he's also wondering what the hell I'm thinking.

I think he knows how I feel about him now... but I guess he worries too that I always seem ready to bolt out the door.

I don't know why I'm panicking. He says I think too much. In my defense, I'm a girl, I'm programmed to over think things.

And the funny thing is, I've even tried to sabotage us. I keep trying to find "deal breakers"... it's almost as if I WANT us to fail, so that I can go "aha!" and prove everyone right that I just lost my mind temporarily.

And maybe assuage my guilt a little.

At the same time, I really, really want this to work. In fact, I want to tell everyone about, and not have to hide that I'm seeing someone really cool. And weird :P

But I'm also trying not to hurt F anymore than I already have..

And introducing ZW to the parents, and my friends.. makes things official. That I really have moved on, probably in record time. And there'd be no more hiding.

Yup, that's what I'm doing. Hiding behind a hazy cloud.. just letting things stayed muddled for the moment. Yeah, I'm a coward.

What's a girl to do?

Closure

I need closure.

Bits and pieces of things that remind me of F are still scattered throughout my room.

If I want to move forward, and put this behind me, I need to remove these reminders.

I think the biggest concern I have now is whether F is doing alright. I need to know that he'll be ok.

Because this time, there's no turning back.

I was thinking about the times F and I have broken up over the years.. and in the last 4 years alone, just during his university life, we've done it 3 times.

The first time, he refused to let go and I didn't push it further, because I still felt so in love with him. So despite knowing that there were cracks, we covered them up with plaster.

The second time, he broke my heart but I refused to believe that we were done. Despite advice from everyone around me, I ignored what my head was telling me and still went for it. In some sense, I think I wore his defences down by simply refusing to back down.

And the third time... well, I guess I broke his heart. Actually, I'm not even sure how's he feeling. Is he in pain? Or is he finding some relief? I simply don't know.

But the issues that we face, or faced... were recurring ones. Things that never truly went away. Despite our best attempts to try to surmount these differences, and yeah, best efforts were put in, we eventually lapsed back into old ways.

People simply don't change. And if I can't acccept him for who he is, I don't think I deserve to be with him. There will be someone for him, who can love him better than I ever could. I honestly believe that. Because in the end, I overwhelmed him with what I wanted, or thought I wanted, and he got lost along the way. And then I became lost too.

Not sure if people can understand this but... I need to be selfish now and stop beating myself up over it. Stop stressing out if he's eating right, wandering if he's cooped up in his house, hoping that he's talking to people about this, and not trying to work things out alone.

I can't call him. I can't text him. I think it'd only make things worst at this point.

I still remember when he broke up with me.. and then msn-ed me a few days later... sure, it made me feel happy and broke my wallowing for the moment... but it plunged me back into despair because he made it clear that he was just checking to see if I was ok. As a concerned friend.

And I can still remember the reaction in my head... it was like, "how the fuck do you think I'm doing? I've been broken into pieces, you bastard!"

And it felt like mixed signals too..

It was during the Hari Raya celebrations, and knowing how much I loved his cousins, he took videos of them playing and sent them to me.

Maybe that's why I thought I had a chance?

But this time round... I know I'm done. There are simply too many cracks to ignore, too much toxic and baggage...

And something great is happening in my life right now.

As bad as the timing is.. and I know this is going to make me look like a complete slore.. but I simply can't walk away.

I've met this amazing guy and it feels like the world makes sense again. That all the attachments to life that were slowly slipping away suddenly feel alive again.

Perhaps some people think I'm just in freefall, or have made a complete mistake... and quite honestly, if I was to look at this from an objective third party point of view, I can see why it seems so crazy. In fact, I'd be right in there, making judgments as well.

But it just feels so damn right. So damn right.

I've only known him for 2 weeks, TWO WEEKS.. and it feels like I've known him my whole life.

We are so comfortable together and around each other, it's almost like we've stopped rushing about in life and have fallen into each other's pace.

It's eery and I'm frightened and almost afraid to take the next step because it can't be possible.

I don't think I've been so spooked out in my life from hearing the "L" word.

I keep imagining that this thing I'm feeling, it's bound to pass right? It's just the hormones talking, and probably, I'm just being delusional.

But.... at this moment, all I know is that a hand has been extended to me, and the moment I reached over to clasp it, I couldn't let go.

The insecure part of me tells me to take things slow, and who's to say it won't crash and burn by next week?

But do I really want to live life so timid, so afraid to step out of my comfort zone?

If I'm going down in flames, I might as well go out in a bang, no?

I wonder when my heart and head will be in agreement.

Met Wern for dinner last night, and let's just say her reaction was not encouraging.

Short of telling me I made a mistake, I think the word she was trying not to use was "bitch".

As a friend, she's standing by my decision. But as a third party observer, what I did to Fadz can be seen as cruel and thoughtless.

And I can see why - if I say I have been unhappy for some time, then perhaps I should have said something earlier, instead of waiting till another guy shows up?

The timing simply stinks. And of course, it looks like I'm doing to Fadz what he did to me all those years ago.

I've been a coward, and I haven't been able to "man" up to my feelings. It's not like I haven't had feelings of restlessness, of uncertainty... but it was simply easier to squash these feelings and dismiss them as merely an "itch" that is bound to go away.

It really, really sucks that I have to hurt my best friend in the process of trying to figure out what I really want in a relationship, and from life in general.

But could I have continued in a relationship that was more "best friends" than "lovers"?

Maybe I have too grand ideas of what love should be, have expectations that are too unrealistic.

But if you don't explore it when you're young, when then is a good time?

Like Wern says, I will have to face the consequences of my decisions, good or bad.

I broke up with Fadz.

Guess there's no need to be cryptic anymore; those who need to know, know.

So for the 2 people who still read my blog...

Everyone has been asking me why? And I'm still trying to find a definitive answer.

Because... "just because" doesn't quite cut it huh?

I don't even know if I was unhappy.. it just felt like I was trying to gloss so many things over - not talking about Fadz with my friends, acting like I was a single girl when he's not around, checkin out guys all the time, ignoring the fact that there was no more spark.

And sad as it sounds, I think it boils down to that. A lack of spark. Sure, I know what a lot of people might say. It's been 8 years, for god's sake! of course there's no spark! But in exchange you get comfort, familiarity.... blah blah blah.

I get it. I understand that intellectually. But emotionally, I refuse it. How can it be that a couple can go days on end not talking, and not feel like something is wrong, or worse, not feel a sense of longing?

How can I be in a relationship that made me give and give, but not feel like I'm getting much in return?

I didn't feel cherished anymore, or wanted, or desired. And since we weren't talking, weren't communicating, weren't meeting... what's the compensation?

And even when I was breaking up with Fadz, he didn't reach out, he didn't fight, he simply sat there and kept quiet. I don't think I can take inertia, or the lack of initiative anymore.

And so.. I'm done.

Is there another guy? Partly, but things are complicated there as well and quite frankly, I'd be smart not to hold my breath in that department.

So I think the best thing I can do for myself at the moment is to enjoy being single.

Who's with me? :)

And so it's done.

I wonder if it's normal to feel so.... calm.

It's not like I feel a great sense of relief or anything, no hellalujah moment. But neither do I feel like the world is closing in on me.

I wonder if this is merely the calm before the storm?

I simply felt exhuasted, went to sleep, woke up. And the world still feels the same.

Denial? Or long time coming?

Huh.

Next move?

Just When I Thought I Knew Why I Love Him So....

Perhaps it's because I'm in a mopey mood, having watched Korean dramas the whole weekend, but I feel a sudden urge to blog about Fadz.

Been a while since I've mentioned him in anything more than a passing comment, because really, who wants to read about mushy stuff?

But seeing how my brain has been addled from watching Boys Over Flowers in a single weekend, enduring eye strain, neck aches and general concussion, I should be forgiven for lapsing into the following goo-goo comments.

I tend to be swept up in grand, romantic notions whenever I chance upon certain literature (read: teeny, angsty, rubbishy, romantic nonsense).

And unfortunately for Fadz, I also tend to project my sudden notions of how a relationship should be onto OUR relationship.

After reading Twilight (yes, I succumbed to the horror that is Twilight mania), I was convinced that my true love should be a vampire, and kept harassing Fadz to bite me, bite me!

And after watching Boys Over Flowers, with its ridiculous story plots and even more laughable lines (see me acting tough and coldly ridiculing the drama here, when in reality I was really sobbing my heart out during certain episodes), I started demanding that Fadz be more, well, ROMANTIC.

Or at least romantic in a K-drama fashion.

And when I thought Fadz would ignore me in typical fashion and let me gradually get over my hysterical fits, he once again surprises me with his reactions.

Incident One:
I was watching the show on my laptop, determined to finish yet another episode. Fadz walks in and turns on my tv. I yell at him that I can't hear my show over the tv. Instead of rightfully giving me the "have you gone nuts, woman?" look, he takes out his earphones, plugs them into the tv, cuts out the sound, and continues watching the tv, with nary a complain. I am such a brat. :)

Incident Two:
I'm normally an SPG (read: totally into ang moh dudes). But ever so often, a new Asian teen idol pops up and I completely go into pieces. With BBF, it's even better, two for the price of one!

I was madly drooling over Lee Min Ho and Kim Hyun Joong, undecided over who I loved more.

So I showed Fadz both their pictures, and asked who I should be in love with.

The hot, hot, hot, arrogant punk....

OR....

The sweet, sensitive, prince in white.

Fadz looked over their photos and pondered in all seriousness.

He finally said, "Pick Lee. He looks more like a man who can handle you."

Awwwwww!! My heart melted that he even entertained my craziness.

Incident Three:

I said I was quite into the Yun Ji Hoo character cos he's so sensitive, and plays many musical instruments like piano, guitar and violin. And chicks really dig guys who do music.

Fadz considered that for a moment, then said "I play Guitar Hero. Does that count?"

Incident Four:

And this is really my favourite.

One of the more absurd lines in BBF is when Jun-Pyo gives Jan-Di a pendant of a hollow star with a circle in its centre. And yet, I couldn't stop grinning like a fool and doing a small scream, "I also want!"

Jun-Pyo tells Jan-Di the significance of the pendant - "The moon named Jan-Di cannot escape from the star named Jun-Pyo".

After explaining to Fadz that sequence, I asked Fadz why doesn't he say such things to me. *pout*

And instead of appreciating its sweetness (ha!), Fadz says the dude sounds crazy possessive.

Of course that rankled me and I yelled that Fadz could learn a thing or two about being more possessive, and what's wrong with a little possessiveness.

At this point, a glint entered Fadz's eyes, and unexpectedly, he engulfed me in a bone-crushing, air-expelling, bear hug and says that he shall henceforth be possessive then, and not let me go.

And for some inexplicable reason, I found that so funny (of course, and madly sweet), that I collapse into a fit of laughter.

Sigh. I really do wonder who else can stand my brand of craziness. And instead of matching my insane demands with over-the-top declarations or spouting romantic sweet nothings, Fadz once again charms me with his brand of dry humour and patience.

And yes, further insight into the mad complexity that is the Fadz-Jo relationship. At times, we seem strangely abusive to one another. And yet in my mind, it makes total sense.

Volleyball Lust

And so the love affair continues, even after my attempt at severing all ties. Despite having quit competitive volleyball, I find myself inexplicably drawn back to the court. The familiar stirrings of excitement, adrenaline pumping through my body, the suppressed passion for the game... it all came bubbling out like a burst fount as I watched on enviously as my (ex) team battled other schools in the Singapore Uni Games.

I wanted so badly to hop onto the court, so badly that after the matches ended, I stayed back to fool around with the ball. In a skirt. And high heels. Yes, it was a ludicrous image I created. And today saw me again playing volleyball in a short, tight denim skirt. Sigh, you can take the girl outta volleyball, but you can't take volleyball outta the girl.

There's just no way to describe how much volleyball means to me. Not just the game, but everything else it connotes. It's my history and represents some of the people I'm fondest of. It's where I learnt many lessons, expended my energy, ran loose and free. It represented freedom. And yet, I consciously chose not to play in my final sem. I chose not to play despite knowing that I'd probably never play indoor volleyball ever again, not to mention competitive volleyball. Was it the right move? I'm still questioning myself.

The volleyball team has also always been my extended family. We are close, we understand each other and even if we have not seen one another for a long time, it is with great ease that we fall back into rhythm and act as if time was but a mere nuisance and had no effect on friendships and ties. That is the power of a team.

Volleyball has also for the longest time charted my love (or lust?) life. The people that I have hankered after tend to be connected to volleyball in one way or the other. If you are not interested in reading about my pathetic love (lust?) life, you can stop here. From now on, it shall be a nauseating reminiscence of my ex-targets.

I joined volleyball way back in Sec 1. Coming from an ang moh school (I'm an RGPS alum ok!), and having previously been in wussy CCAs (Chinese dance, anyone?), joining a sport came as a surprise to everyone who knew me (my mum despaired as my fair complexion soon gave way to something that resembled a banglah). But it was exhilarating. Volleyball in Singapore is conducted in Chinese and yelling things out lustily in Chinese was a fun experience for me. Especially in English-accented Chinese. Anyway, the point I'm trying to make is that I grew to appreciate guys who were slightly ah beng, who spoke Chinese and who thought they were oh so cool. So I cast my amorous eyes towards the guys volleyball team and my gaze landed firmly on Hanxiong, this Sec 3 Normal Academic ah beng. He thought he was a demi-god. Moreover, his beng-ness added to his charm and when he played volleyball, it was amazing. He achieved incredible height when he jumped, he looked all sinewy and his muscles were taut and.... never mind. The crush lasted all of one week and ended abruptly when I heard him speak for the first time (previous meetings were conducted from afar). Hanxiong had a squeaky voice and that killed any passion I had for him.

It's interesting (to me) as I reflect on my taste in men, because I was in volleyball and choir in Sec 1 and there was this Sec 4 guy in choir who had an interest in me. We parlayed a little but there was this other girl who was into him. In the end, I basically yelled "Take him!" because when I lined him up against Hanxiong, there was no competition, you know? Angelic choir boy over the volleyball bad boy? No competition. Yes, even if the admiration was from a distance.

In Sec 2, I went crazy over a Sec 5 senior who again, was a volleyballer and a beng. He was from NA stream again, spoke Chinese and played volleyball well. I was in awe of his serve (told you I was a volleyball-geek). His serve was quick and powerful and he was such a delight to watch on court. As a setter, he was quick, nimble and had a roguish charm about him. I died a little everytime i watched him serve. How pathetic right? I even tried imitating his pattern, to great disaster. I got to know Zee Kiong a little better through his classmate (who happened to be my godbrother). We became friends eventually and that was that.

Fast forward to Sec 3 and the lust for volleyballers continued. The senior team was the same age as me and we were all great friends. I am ashamed to recount that due to the lack of (good) meat in the senior team, I found myself powerfully attracted to a younger guy. He redefined beng for me. A year younger than me, he was more muscular than my previous prototypes, incredibly tanned, he didn't walk, he swaggered, and he was captain of the junior team. I flirted like crazy with him. Sigh. Such bad taste. But watching him play volleyball was like having an orgasm. He was that good. Sigh. Sad to say, that stupid flirtation came to a miserable ending when he started dating my volleyball junior. I was miserable for a long period of time. And when they broke up 2 months later, I secretly rejoiced but couldn't be bothered with him anymore as I had a new distraction (in the yucky, yucky form of Bill. Pui! Let's just say he is a bitter, bitter memory. Non-volleyballer, from the school band. Big mistake on my part. Why did I like him? Cos he spoke English and SEEMED intelligent. I like extremes).

When I entered AJC, I stopped playing volleyball cos I thought I should concentrate on my studies. But one day during a PE lesson, I was playing vball casually with a friend and the PE teacher, who also happened to be AJ girls vball team coach, approached me. He wanted me to join the girls team. At that point, I was missing vball acutely and I banished the thoughts of being a nerd and went for 1 training. I ended up quitting that same day. The girls were quite horrible to me, isolating me in one corner, nobody bothering to interact with me. They were acting as if they were barely tolerating my presence. Vball to me represented family and such horrid treatment killed any desire I had.

And I think that affected my outlook on men. Being away from volleyball meant that I reverted back to liking men who spoke English, men who were intelligent and articulate, men who were well-read rather than sports players. And that played a key role in my hooking up with Fadz. He personifies that kind of person. Who knows... if I had stuck with volleyball, I might not be with Fadz today. I would basically still be living with a double identity, enjoying my secret lust after ah bengs, chasing the eternal bad boys. Scary to think that one decision could have affected who I ended up with today.

So what brought on this lengthy post? This walk down memory lane of lust objects buried in my past and whom I thought were long forgotten? I believe I have a new lust object, and I'm starting to lose perspective on things. It started out harmless enough, but I'm beginning to act irrationally. This hasn't happened to me since year 1 when I was confused over A. Yes, no names here cos he's from SMU. But now that I'm missing volleyball so much, it seems like I'm trying to hold on to my ties in any possible way. So when this tall, dark, above-average looking volleyballer (he's not very good though, quite bad in fact.. god I'm pathetic) walked into my life, I find my old amorous eye turning his way.

I just can't explain it. I'm such a different animal on court; my inner ah-lian surfaces and I'm loud, speak Chinese, yelling and screaming my lungs out. On some level, I believe only a fellow volleyballer would understand how I feel, hence the attraction. Fadz can't understand why I'd get so excited over a volleyball game, he can't understand the thrill of a good receive, a good spike, scoring against an opponent, screaming to intimidate an opponent. But a fellow player gets that. And that part of me will cast my eye away from Fadz because he simply doesn't understand how I feel.

Well, this madness has to end. I'm never going to act on my impulses but I can't always be in control of my reactions. Besides, he's a good friend and I don't want this to end badly. So how? Any advice? I'm just hoping that this flame would run its course and die out soon enough. Lust, not love, is a horrendous animal that needs to be caged up. Don't get me wrong, I do lust after Fadz as well. But one is for the mind, the other is for the sport. Split personality, that I am.

Let The Celebrations Begin!!!

Well, it's that time of the year again. When the special one (moi) turns 2-2 on the 24th. I luurrrvvveee my birthday week... a week long of (food) debauchery and celebrations. Love it love it love it.

And if anyone wants to show me some love, here's my wishlist... Muahahaha....

Sigh, bad thing is, I have an exam on Friday, so no fun for this poor girl on Thursday. :P