My Life- An Iraqi Warzone

My Life - An Iraqi Warzone

Sigh... i wonder how humans are supposed to handle all the curveballs thrown to them. i can't speak for everyone, but i'm an emotional basketcase; the slightest thing can make a extremely happy, or crazy with sorrow. sigh. and in less than 24 hours, my life was brighter than anything, before crashing into the darkest abyss. sigh...

last night, fadz came over to return the umbrellas he borrowed. that was his excuse anyway. and he told me that he was booking in at 10. so i figured he wasn't staying very long. turns out that was only an excuse so that he could see me. he came at about 9--ish, and laid on my bed (beside me) as i was frantically trying to study MA with Shawn through msn. he didn't bother me, nor did he really expect much attention. he just came to accompany me and offer me moral support. for 2 hours. awwww.... my heart was singing with joy and i was really touched by this gesture. this love that bound him to my side, doing nothing much besides looking at the ceiling or my back.... knowing his warm presence was just a touch away... sigh.... i adore that fella.

but... as usual... all good things must be balanced out by negative elements. that's just the way life works. balance. to some extent, i've come to terms with it. so anyway, my MA exam was today. couldn't do the freaking paper. yup. i'm quite sure that i would fail. so that would mean that my overall grade is going ddoooowwwwnnn.... like some bad horror movie, i see my grade sliding towards the darkness, the danger, and yet, im paralysed with fear (or ignorance in this case), helpless to stop it. bah.

a while back, there was this report in the Straits Times about blogging. it made the comment that a lot of teens use the blog to write down this angst. teenage angst to be precise. i dunno if i'm still considered a teenager, but i sure know i have a lot of angst. when will i grow out of it??? when will i become cynical, jaded and too cool to be happy or miserable? haha, i don't see it ever happening.

I Have A Soft Spot for Little Boys

I Have A Soft Spot for Little Boys

Haha, little boys below the age of 9 beware: i may just sneak up behind you and hug your cute little tummy! frightened yet?

really, i think i have a thing for little boys, they are just so yummily, deliciously cute! Take Fadz's cousin, who's this little terror at age 5, but soooo adorable. he's always up to no good, incredibly mischeivous, but when he realizes that he has done something bad, he would turn on you with this amazingly cheeky grin. and my heart melts everytime.

when i went over for the Hari Raya celebration, as usual, he was creating havoc by running around nonstop. do you know that little boys smell of talcum powder? and their cheeks are incredibly smooth and soft? i couldn't resist, as a parting shot, scooping him into my arms and kissing his tiny cheek. muahaha, i sound like some pheodophilic maniac.

and today, on the bus home, i sat next to this tiny little boy, probably around 8. well, he was small for his age anyway. so yeah, he was exhuasted and fall asleep on my shoulder. instead of shrugging him off as i usually do with strangers, i allowed him to rest his weary head on my shoulders. when the bus hurtled over a pothole or something, he was jolted awake, and realized that he was sleeping on some stranger's shoulder. he then gave me this adorable sheepish grin and went back to sleep, leaning the other way. awwww......

okok, enough self-indulgence in little boys. oh man, that came out totally wrong... haha....

Some Sun After The Rain

Some Sun After the Rain

when men say that women change quickly, they have absolutely no idea at all....

after my last angst-filled entry, i evidently wasn't in a great mood. the great emotional well-up exploded into 10 minutes of frustrated tears, before i gathered my last semblance of happiness and joined the sister and mum for a buffet (again!) dinner at pheonix hotel. food wasn't too bad; overloaded on carbo. but after that, we went for a ktv session. haha, i know i know, i think i'm hooked, as long as i'm not the one paying. muahaha.

so 4 hours of non-stop singing; some good, some really bad. it was... fun. and so the last vestiges of frustration, anger and hurt blew away as i crooned to the sweet tunes of jay chou.

woke up in a semi-funk this morning. still not happy. in fact, as li wern later commented, i was in a grouchy, mean and bitchy mood. ah, what an accurate assessment. anyway, met the girls (li wern and pris... those freeloaders! hah!) at westmall before we all trudged down to the boyfriend's house. quite weird actually, that i was going to celebrate hari raya at his house when i was still kinda pissed at him.

unfortunately, the stupid boy forgot to inform me that at the chosen hour (1pm) the family was engaging in the traditional ritual of forgiveness. so there we were, slightly abashed for having intruded on such an intimate moment. which was spoiled when his stupid cousin attempted to ask for forgiveness from me so as to elicit an ang bow. moron. haha.

oh yeah, and i tried doing the whole kissy-hand thing with his uncle and grandma. weird moment, really weird. in fact, so weird they were taken aback. i love to stun people.

fast forward, fadz and i are cool now. i think we made up when i broke his mum's glass while attempting to do the dishes. sigh. isn't love grand?

The Stars Are Shifting

The Stars Are Shifting

Things haven't been great with the boyfriend lately. He's become kinda aloof and distant. i also find it incredibly strange that while he faithfully calls me every night when he's in camp, he doesn't bother to contact me when he comes out. not all the time, but at least enough times to make me feel uneasy. is the *gasp* end near?

i feel so terribly tired these days, both physically and emotionally. there are so many things happening in my life now, and yet, when i need him the most, he doesn't seem to be there for me. i swore to myself that i would never become a clingy girlfriend, the kind who needs her boyfriend to be around 24/7, but maybe that's just the kind of girl i really am. it's depressing to try to contact your boyfriend, send smses, and he doesn't reply. why? i have no idea.

on a slightly happier note, volleyball training yesterday was great. i got some of my form back. i was hitting the ball and scoring points. now i just need to train up my arm muscles again to really put power and spin behind the attack. happy happy! and pei jun even commented that i should be an attacker, and not languish behind as the libero, cos it's a waste of talent. muahahaha.. that really made my day. well, at least before i tried to sms fadz once last time and he didn't bother to reply.

just the other day, i called shawn sad for trying to hard to chase a girl who isn't showing interest. maybe in reality, i'm the truly sad one. seems like i'm stuck in a relationship that has no future, and the present just seems so murky.

Weird Moment

Weird Moment

My Dad was in my room fixing my leaky air-con yesterday. after cleaning it and banging around, he got it up and running. he then switched on my tv. suddenly, he yelled for me to turn on the tv in the living room (where i was lounging around reading 8-days leisurely). lo and behold, it was this daytime program discussing about inter-racial marriages. muahaha. was that weird or what?

so anyway, this chinese girl married this malay guy. and my dad made a note to ask me to watch it. is he trying to tell me something? and in it, the girl's parents were moaning about how during the wedding ceremony, she didn't want the guests to drink alcohol cos it's against the muslim culture. and the parents were very, very upset. so upset they spent 20 minutes discussing about this. on national tv. again, is my dad trying to hint something?

after all this time, my parents (ok, my mum) have shown some concern about my relationship with fadz. sure, there has been the disapproval and sadness. but my dad has never showed any such signs. so what's up with the sudden interest in an unbeknown marriage?

muahaha. marrying fadz. something i've thought about, but never really considered the consequences. somehow, it's always been something i've conveniently glossed over. i'm like that sometimes. would i alienate my parents? probably. but i guess my sisters will be cool. they're hardly the kind to get upset over such things.

lol, i just hope my wedding guests aren't expecting alcohol.

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Love

Love

Sometimes, i wonder why people want to fall in love. Sure, coming from a great relationship, it's great support and the feeling is amazing. But there's always so much pain in the process. Even when things go well, it's inevitable that once in a while there will be slip-ups, or misunderstandings.

i find that people are willing to go through this personality transformation just to please their partner. even i am guilty of it. maybe become a little more dependent, a little more emotional. but what i find truly amazing is how some women (and men) are willing to turn themselves inside out just to be the person their partner wants them to be.

seriously, from talking to friends, reading blogs, the amount of abuse people are willing to take just to risk a relationship is amazing. i've seen emotional abuse, masses of jealousy suppressed, trying to be someone you are not, trying to be older than you really are... why? why are people always ready to change into someone they are not?

and it gets worse. what happens when you don't even get to the stage of having a relationship? you are just stuck in the transitional stage, willing the other person to like you, even when bold hints are given that the interest isn't there. is that annoying persistence or true commitment? it's quite hard to tell. i guess you have to be in the situation before you can make such a judgement.

oh well. enough over-analyzing. have to get back to work. yay! going to fadz's house for Hari Raya! can't wait to taste his mum's cooking! and i get to catch up with the girls. cool! can't wait for the weekend!

Alone

Alone

I have my moods. Sometimes, i can feel absolutely lonely in a room full of people that i know. it's like, everyone has an agenda, everyone has a plan, and they are constantly undertaking such plans. maybe it's with someone else, maybe it's alone. but me, i just feel alone. i don't feel included in activities, i don't feel like i have a game plan. sometimes, it just feels like im drifting along in life, waiting for the next spontaneous event to occur so that i can be pulled along. siggghhh...

The Worst Week of my Life (almost)

The Worst Week of my Life

Oh man! can life get any worse??!!! I woke up late this morning, at 8, for my 830 class. brilliant. so it was rush rush rush, all the way, only to be stuck at home cos i couldn't get a cab. for all the hype about more cabs in singapore, and more convenience for singaporeans... that's all a bunch of bullshit as far as im concerned. when you need one, you still can't find one. sheesh.

at 830, the Silvercab finally deemed us worthy of sending a cab over. however, the stupid operator heard "336" instead of "366". so the cab was late. and then, he couldn't find the carpark entrance. tick-tock... a couple more minutes gone.

so anyway, we were chugging along the road, and at the bukit timah plaza area, i made a grave error. i directed the cab down the highway, which means it goes to SIM, not SMU. the sad thing is, this was the errorneous way that another cab driver took just on tuesday! how could i have made the same error!!! twice in the same week? that's just too much. a long story short, he had to go all the way to tanglin, and then cut through the botanical gardens to get to SMU.

my life sucks. for all the people out there complaining about how bad life is, (except those who live in starvation, poverty, someone dear died, etc) i think my life ranks pretty high on the stink-o-meter. really, it's weeks like this that makes even the most optimistic person feel like banging her head against a wall. sigghh... and there's still 3 more days....

The Consequence of Overindulgence

The Consequence of Overindulgence

Wow, it's been a whirlwind of socializing this past 2 days. yesterday, i attended an event for entreprenuership, the Ernst and Young Entreprenuer Awards, held at the Shangri-La Hotel. Stated that it was a black tie event. You can imagine my palpable excitement! how many chances does one get to dress up and mingle with the upperclass of Singapore right?

So in my typical vain manner, i had to look perfect. Oh yeah, the night before the event, i discovered that my beautifully elegant Charles and Keith shoes were stolen! i was hopping with rage and cursed my unknown nemesis. So anyway, fast forward a day, i had to leave school early to get shoes, a manicure and get my hair washed and blown. the lost shoes were only the beginning of my bad luck. i had to take a cab to plaza singapura cos it was raining like crazily, my cabbie, of course, turned out to be a cheater and took the long way. i couldn't find a decent (and cheap) pair of formal shoes! except for a DMK pair, which at $46, is overpriced, considering its shoddy workmanship. so i was running late and i panicked through my manicure. moreover, the stupid manicurist punctured my skin by cutting my cuticles too deep and i bled! arrgh, i hope my finger doesn't get infected!

on my way home, i took the train. but i discovered that i forgot to bring my ex-link card! and since the transit office is located inside (stupid mrt people) and i had no change, i sneaked in without paying by following closely behind a fellow passenger... hahaha... had to do the same thing to get out.

so anyway, i went to do my hair, and it was raining heavily when i left. you can imagine the havoc it wrecked on my hair. and since i had to bathe, the shower cap didn't help much. sigh...

the food at Shangri-La was disappointing. shall not go into details. incredibly long entry already. anyway, was stuck between some guy from ernst and young and some nus guy. oh well... and guess what? i think i overindulged in too much wine. champagne and red wine... muahaha...

hmm, and today, i had to rush to school in a cab, cos i was running late from doing last minute touch-ups to my AS homework. and the stupid cab driver took me to SIM instead of SMU. at least he had the decency to charge me less. and today culminated in a so-so buffet dinner at Traders Hotel.

so you see, all my bad luck may be due to my eventual overeating. it's like penance or something. or did i forget and pee on an altar???