When they say love is blind, they didn't mention just HOW blind a person can be.
It's only when I remove myself from the situation and take a step back, do I start to see the cracks that had been there for a long time, merely kept from ripping apart by a couple of flimsy bandages. Well, the seams have finally split and I doubt it'd ever be reconciliable. Or whether I would want to reconcile.
Throughout JC, we were naively hopeful that our differences could be worked out eventually. Of course, the close proximity and daily contact helped because we constanted talked through our difficulties and differences. Moreover, it was still in the developmental stages and we wanted to know everything about each other, so changes were acceptable.
When Fadz entered the army, I have to say his growth was severely curbed. His personality transformed at a snail pace, if at all, and it was easy to relate to one another. Moreover, we saw so little of each other that we were contented to keep things quid pro quo.
But once Fadz hit university, his world opened up. It was like walking out of a daze. He suddenly discovered that he had changed, changed a lot, but he hadn't let those changes be factored into our relationship because it seemed like we were holding on to something from the past. We held on to past memories, we didn't allow ourselves to examine the possibility that we had changed, that our expectations and needs had changed.
We met up on so few occasions that we kept falling back into habit, into what we knew was safe, maintained perceptions about the other person that were of the past, all the while not acknowledging that things were no longer the same.
Fadz got hit by a case of really late puberty. He still doesn't know who he is right now, so how can i claim to love him now?
And that's true. I've been loving a memory of him, memories of us. I was so enamoured with the idea of being in love, maybe coupled with the fear of being alone, that I tried not to rock the boat. Didn't dare probe and question and learn more about the new Fadz because I was afraid that I wouldn't like the new him, or the new him wouldn't like me. So we stopped communicating. And I foolishly let myself be swept up by gestures, with mouthed platitudes, not caring whether they were real or not. I simply wanted to be in love, not really caring with whom and for what. I failed to learn about Fadz. And I do believe it has been the case for the past 1 1/2 years.
And that's why I want to be friends with Fadz. Because we ARE good friends. I merely fooled myself into believing that the romantic gestures were signs of our love, when they were merely that, gestures. We click well, we talk and laugh, but that doesn't mean we are suited for a relationship. To really get to know the other person, make sacrifices, be considerate and sensitive and mindful of the other person's feelings. To be exclusive even. Maybe it was all too much too soon.
Ah, a grand teenage love. The dreaminess of a future, unrealistic expectations, stifled feelings in the belief that love should be above everything else. That we could survive cultural, background, family, economic, mindset differences. And it truly took the idealistic nature of 2 young people in love to believe all that. But we're older now. We've grown up. I'm still growing up and developing my emotional maturity. Still developing ideas of what I really need out of a man.
And the overarching criteria that I really need is security. I'm not too sure Fadz ever gave me that. Emotionally, financially, family approval, sensitivity, possessiveness... there always seemed to be something lacking. I thought I was demanding; turns out, I was simply settling. Choosing to ignore these huge and tangible differences because I thought love could conquer all. Ah! The grand notion of love. Do I even get what real love is?
I don't know what the future holds, all I know is, there's no going back. The paths of Fadz and I once crossed, but now they are moving in very different directions. Would they cross again in the future? I really have no idea, and frankly, I highly doubt it. We are simply too different. But as a first love, it definitely will be memorable. All those highs and lows. A painful ending, but I probably made it more painful than it had to be. Stubborness. Blinded and refusing to see what was in front of me.
But hey, I appreciate that I still have a movie buddy, because really, it's amazing how similar our tastes are and how difficult it is to find a good movie buddy. Blockbusters? Not a problem. But if I want to watch documentary like Sicko? Now that's a problem. In fact, we're watching Sicko on Friday. No expectations, no hopes, just friends. I think it'd be fun. :) And we can still talk about football because it seems like I've developed a genuine fondness for it. And he's still quite a good listener when he wants to be, so yeah, we'd see how that goes.
My future is in front of me. My career is beckoning me to take a step forward and for too long, I've held back in fear that I'd change too much, that it'd destroy the relationship. Well, no more burden, no more worries. It'd be about me now. :)
Thanks to everyone who has listened to my litany of whining, bitching, self-recrimination, tears and whatnot. Thanks to everyone who offered encouragement, support and a listening ear. You know who you are. Good friends, good friends. :)
