Ah, the world is such a better place when your mind becomes fuzzy and your blood turns into alcohol.

Been drinking quite a bit lately. First at Greg's house for the volleyball gathering where I made an ass out of myself taking pictures with all the (cute) guys available. Then a bunch of us hit double o last night for drinks and dancing. I could only conclude that I am getting old when the guys all looked younger than me and my legs started aching after a bit of booty shaking.

Oh well.

And I was acting completely out of character. I knew EXACTLY what the hell I was doing, knew EXACTLY what the hell I was saying. The girls were in the toilet and I chose to let rip a string of rubbish in front of David. Could I have stopped myself from bahaving like a blathering idiot? Absolutely. I just chose not too. There's something incredibly liberating about being able to yell and scream and not think about the consequences. David recoiled in horror. That was funny.

I know Jialing is gonna say I'm being over-dramatic. Well, yes, I suppose I am. But life is so colourless unless you infuse it with drama and energy. I just sometimes choose to overdo it. Let loose all my inhibitions. Forgo sanity and dignity. Go to the brink of insanity and hopefully be able to pull back in time.

I'm being so irrational right now. Life goes on and I go through the mechanics of it. At least I'm not crying anymore. But the moment I start to feel, to think, to regret, to hope, to linger, to wish... the world becomes too painful again. So I choose to bury it all.

I hope he's happy. Nah, scratch that. I'm not THAT noble. I hope he's fucking miserable. Fucked up and being a mindless zombie. I hope he's feeling interminable pain and regret and missing me like shit. I hope he feels like his world is falling apart.

Haha, such empty, hurtful, spiteful words. But I know it's not true. He's let go of emotional baggage that's been building up over the years and I can only imagine how happy he is right now. But I shall not ponder too much about that point, because that would only make me more miserable.

And I've realized that I can't go on one night stands, I abhore the idea of making out with a total stranger. Flirtations aside, my emotions are wound too tightly for me to pretend that any of it can be meaningless. I need my connections. I need to feel like I belong and attached to something.

Back and forth, back and forth, the pendulum of my emotions swing. Vigorously, spinning out of control, rocking violently, trying to find equilibrium. I think I'd be better off as a mindless zombie.

Don't worry, no suicidal thoughts, no slutty inclinations, no hysterical breakdown. Still looking for jobs, still studying for tests, still doing my projects. Like I said, the mechanics of life. So much less complicated. I don't have to feel, just have to do it. And so I do.

Hello, I'm back from KL. How was KL? LOL, Kristin, Jialing and I made a pact: "What happens in KL, stays in KL." Teeheehee....

Sigh, I thought the trip abroad would help me recharge and regain my balance in life. I was perfectly fine in KL, when I was away from everything that reminded me of Fadzli. But the moment I stepped back in Singapore, everything came crashing back down on me. Crap, do I need to leave the country permanently to find some peace of mind?

I've been reading my my old diary entries (yes, I do keep the traditional form) and to my horror, I realized what a big joke I've played on myself all these years. You see, Fadzli and I broke up way back in J2 for pretty much the same reasons. Only that time, I did the merciless heartbreaking because I felt that I wasn't being loved and treated well enough by Fadz, who's notoriously insensitive, clueless and uncommunicative. But he came after me. And my puny, weak heart caved in even though my head screamed "Noooo!!!"

I even penned down this thought, "Hope I'm not making a big mistake and setting myself up for a second round of heartbreak". Haha, I must have psychic powers.

Here I was, thinking that Fadz had changed and that caused the breakup. Guess my peabrain really does forget bad things easily. NOTHING HAS CHANGED. HISTORY IS MERELY REPEATING ITSELF. I thought that with time, we would grow to understand each other more. I thought with time, we would open up to each other more and learn that relationships are about compromises. I thought we would grow together and weather all kinds of calamity.

I thought wrong.

We never grew together, we merely grew apart. Our relationship was so separated from the rest of our lives that it was like an entity unto itself. Sucking the life out of both of us because we didn't know what to do with it. We didn't deal, we merely tried to barricade it, fixing the leaks with shoddy patchwork. Until all hell broke loose.

He broke up with me. I went after him. Except his head is stronger than his heart. He knew it was time. He knew it was the right thing to do. And so he's sticking to his guns. This is it.

I feel like laughing. I feel like the biggest cosmic joke has been played on me. Karma. Retribution. It's like shouting a huge "I told you so!" at myself. Wow, if I had stuck to my decision, I'm sure a 1-year relationship would have been easier to deal with post-break up than a 5-year one. But instead, I chose to inflict more pain not only on myself, but on Fadz too. I should be thanking Fadz for finally having the guts to end this.

So why do I feel like putting my head in my hands and crying until I stop feeling altogether?

Sigh, I'm so terribly weak. I called Fadzli this morning. I know, I know, what the hell am I thinking right? It wasn't another plea to get back together, but rather, I needed to hear him speak and tell me what was really going on in his mind. The past few days saw me talking and talking, making inferences and stories and examples, but I never really gave him a chance to speak.

Well, it seems like the lack of communication thing wasn't just a couple of months in the making, but rather, a few years. I think we were doomed from the beginning. Sure, opposites attract because something different always seems new and shiny. But in the end, it's the common things that keep people together.

We had very different expectations that we never voiced out. Fadz needed someone who was involved in all aspects of his life and shared common goals. He thought that I could be that person, but in truth, I wasn't. I was there for some things, but wasn't that interested, or couldn't understand, other aspects. So he sought other people who could fill up this gap. He has historically always found it easily to make friends with girls and so those were the people whom he sought. To me, it looked like playing the field and I grew distrustful and disliked those girls intensely.

As for me, I had my own expectations too. Fadz is a notorious non-communicator and every emotion that I wrought out of him was hard fought. To me, I already have notions of what a boyfriend should or should not do, and when he finally accomplished something that I needed, I felt like it was a "given", instead of recognizing it for what it really was. Effort. I never made him feel appreciated. In some sense, in the early years that was how he made me feel cos he was incredibly blunt and insensitive, and I felt underappreciated. So when the tables were turned, I dunno, maybe subconsciously I was paying him back?

It keeps swirling in my head that I was not enough for him. He needs so much emotional support that in the end, it was simply too draining for me. And so I had 2 options: let him get emotionally involved with other people or not. So when I gave him the ultimatum to choose between Wendy or me, it was the straw that broke the camel's back. That's when he knew things were irreparable. He simply couldn't and wouldn't. To him, it felt like a huge loss because he had already invested so much emotionally in her, and all his friends, for that matter.

"It's a Catch 22." That's what he said to me. If I gave him a free rein, it would hurt me incredibly because I'm not that magnanimous. I would like to see a female who is. But if I restrained him, he would only get more and more resentful.

But the biggest blow is that he didn't find losing me to be a great loss. He felt RELIEVED, dammit. Had he really detached himself so much from me that I was merely a transient being in his life? All the "I love yous", all the hugs, the kisses.... towards the end it was all lies. Merely out of habit or to pacify me.

So I guess it was for the best. Getting back together would have been a mistake because we simply aren't what we need at this point. Or maybe, we never were. I need someone to openly show that he loves me, that he get s me, to not assume that I get subtlety because I truly don't. And in return, Fadz needs someone who can pick out the tiniest details or the smallest change in moods without him needing to tell. Obvious vs subtle. 2 very different beings.

How much of a further mismatch can you get?

Time. I'm playing the waiting game. Waiting until the memories fade into the recesses of my mind, waiting until I can one day think about Fadz and not feel pain and regret. Simply waiting.

I wonder how long it'd take for this dull ache to go away. When I'm doing things, I can lock away such feelings. But on occasions, when I'm left to my own thoughts, the dullness of ache creeps all over me.

I guess I'm asking for it, subjecting myself to self-flagellation. I have been regularly checking Fadz's Friendster and Facebook account, just to see what's up with him. And I contacted one of his friends. Don't ask me why. Once again, impulse took over and I went with it.

I guess I wanted to see things from his perspective and since we weren't talking, I might as well get the intel from one of his closest friends. She says he's confused. But don't worry, I didn't take it to heart. Because why should I be surprised that he's feeling sad? He's probably blaming himself, just like I have been. But I know that's not a reason to maintain hope. There's no turning back now. To some extent, I'm getting pissed off that he's acting like the injured party. Hello! Perspective here! You pushed me away, and now you're acting like I disappointed you??? Fucker.

But one thing Junni (Fadz's friend) said that struck a chord with me was that it seemed like I needed Fadz more than he needed me. My first reaction was indignation, like, this bitch doesn't even know me, how dare she comment on our relationship? So in that spirit, I fired off a less-than-courteous message to her. But that line has been swirling around in my head and I suppose there's some truth there. I definitely depended on him more than he depended on me. I needed him on so many levels. He was my Asset but I felt like his Liability. And that fed on my insecurities as everyone wants to feel needed, right? He was my top priority and I never did things that I thought would disrespect him, like try to get close to another guy. But he didn't pay me the same respect. Guess it boiled down to me not really mattering that much to him. Or I was so good at bolstering his ego that he took me for granted.

So I bet you're asking "then why the hell do I still want to be with this bastard who's making me miserable?" I dunno. Maybe I'm making him out to be worse than he is. Maybe it's because I've become so dependent on him I've lost my spine and will to stand on my own 2 feet. Maybe I'm really this horrible monster and no one would love me to the degree that would make me happy.

But that doesn't stop me from jumping everytime I hear my phone ring. Or looking out for signs that point towards Fadz needing me too. I think he's blocked me on msn. I know I said we couldn't be friends, but that's such a pity. I really do enjoy talking to him.

Time. Time moves on. I need to move on. I just dunno how.

It was so difficult being strong. And so I wrote a letter to him, pouring my heart out to him. I put my last ounce of hope and optimism for US in that letter. I wrote it yesterday early morning and was still writing when I had to leave for school to take a Corp. Reporting test. So I zipped down to his place in a cab to pass him the letter. Just looking at him, so peaceful in sleep, squeezed my heart tremendously. And I left before he was fully conscious of what was happening.

No bets on how I did on the test.

And for the rest of the day, I kept waiting for some contact from him. Just to give me an answer, provide me with some peace of mind if it was really hopeless. As the minutes of silence ticked by, a part of me kept dying and yet, I couldn't stop my stupid heart from hoping. Hoping that he'd be touched and affected by what I said, I kept pointlessly and senselessly hoping that something sparked in his heart. And so I kept waiting.

He finally called me around 10pm. My heart skipped a beat and I didn't know what to expect. I told myself to be reasonable and not have grand expectations, but my stupid, stupid heart wouldn't shut up.

It seems like my letter did make him think, but it wasn't enough in the end. I kept reaching out to his heart and head, but when he finally did examine what he was feeling as opposed to what he was thinking, he realized that he had turned cold towards me. He still cared about me as a friend, but he couldn't, didn't want to deal with me and my issues as a girlfriend anymore. He had turned cold. Heart as hard and cold as ice. There was nothing left. And he didn't want to open his heart up to disappointment again.

Oh yeah, and there's a girl. Wendy. Even her name sickens me. When we stopped communicating, he sought solace and comfort from her. And somehow, along the line, he developed something more for her. While it's nothing full blown yet, it made him re-evaluate what he wanted.

Yup, that's what he said. He said he doesn't know what he wants. He doesn't know the person he is becoming and he is still in the process of developing and understanding himself better. Hence, he doesn't know whether I'm the one for him. I once was, but now, now that we're both changing, he doesn't know anymore.

Well, it seems pretty clear that he doesn't want me. HE DOESN'T WANT ME FOR THE PERSON I AM. It just hurts so much. Knowing that I wasn't enough, knowing that he wants to be with someone else. It hurts so badly. I feel like I should be angry at him, and scream and yell at him for the betrayal, and yet, I can't. I just can't. Not yet anyway. I need to kill off my heart first. Pull the plug and let my feelings die off. How can I blame him completely when I wasn't putting in enough effort either? I do blame him to some extent, but not enough to put this whole issue on his shoulders.

Time. They always say I need time to heal. But in the mean while, life goes on. Life goes on with so much mundaneness and is so ordinary it's almost like a cruel joke. I thought time would stand still, that I couldn't even move. But life goes on right? Life moves ahead and I can't do anything but be swept along. Even as my heart shatters into millions of pieces, even as I feel that I can't breathe, I can't think, I can't bare to feel... life goes on. Papers must still be written, classes must still be attended, jobs to be comtemplated. Life goes on.

Right now, perhaps that's the best I can hope for.