Soulmate vs Lover

Can the two be the same person?

Just because someone gets you, doesn't mean that person is right for a relationship.

And the reverse is true. You can be crazy about someone, but doesn't mean the person gets you all the time.

The way I see it, a soulmate falls into step with you, gets you and fits into your life.

What I want from my lover, or companion, is someone who challenges me, provides a different perspective and is willing to push my buttons in a way that makes me want to be a better person.

If you're lucky enough to find one person who fits both criteria, good for you.

But alas, life is never that perfect.

And me thinks, I should stop watching Korean dramas.

I'm still just a kid at heart...

When it comes to relationships, I'm not sure how much I've grown up, if at all, over the years.

ZW says I act like a kid. In fact, he says it a lot. And as much as that raises my hackles, I'm not sure I can disagree entirely.

I'm still prone to sulking and pouting to get my way, I whine and weasel my way in and out of arguments, the angry hot tears come way more frequently than I would like..

I just wonder what it means to act like an adult though. Does it mean entering arguments like you would a business negotiation? All logic, with terms clearly stated, leaving emotions at the door?

Talking about issues in a rational manner, calmly, as if you're not ready to explode or yell or scream or express hurt?

Speak in measured tones that betray few signs of what you're really thinking or feeling?

I guess it's about not emotionally blackmailing a person. And when a female cries, we all know what that does to a guy's resolve.

I suppose it's not about going to extremes, but being able to hold a conversation, even when worked up, without resorting to wailing or shouting the first angry thought that comes into my head. Or worse, having this inner instinct to retort back sentence for sentence when I'm angry.

New year resolution, perhaps?

I hate being sick

And while that may seem to be an understatement, i swear it's so much worst for me.

It's not just the physical weakness, the exhuastion that sets in, the endless sniffling and grabbing of tissue. The body chills...

It's the self-pity that really gets to me.

My brain starts going into overdrive, wondering if anyone would care if i died, if i would be one of those people whose body would be found only cos someone smelt something rotting...

Like i said, i really, really hate being sick.

I know i'm being awfully whiny, and unnecessarily melodramatic, but i can't help it. I can't turn it off.

I was planning to write this brilliant piece about the property market, the equivalent of "suck it up, money is king." and that only 2 people would understand.

But i don't think in the right frame of mind.

Well, at least this took up 5 minutes of my time. Now back to the regular programming of sulking and self pity. Oh me.

Life Can Take Many Unexpected Twists

Had a moment of reflection this morning, in the most unexpected of places.

I was swimming in a private bay that belongs to the Ritz Carlton in Bahrain, where I'm currently stationed for the week for work.

So there I was, all alone on this gorgeous beach, surrounded by blue green water, with the towering Bahrain financial centre in the distance.

I looked up into the azure sky, and it suddenly hit me how strange this all was.

If you had asked me at the start of this year to predict how my life would be like for 2010, my wildest guess probably wouldn't have come close to taking an overseas working trip to Bahrain.

Who would have thought that my life would change so much in just 11 months. I ended an 8-year relationship which at one point, I thought would have led to marriage and a total life-changer.

I started a new relationship in the strangest of ways - meeting a stranger in a foreign land and tumbling head over heels in a matter of days.

My bosses appear to trust me with more responsibilities - which may or may not be a good thing (hah).

I travelled more in this past year than the last few years combined.

And now I'm staying at the Ritz Carlton for one whole damn week.

Can I just say how trippy the Middle East is?

Being part of the President's entourage has been an eye-opener. Traffic being stopped for the escorted motorcade, being driven around in a BMW, complete with beefy, scary, hilarious Arab driver, meeting kings and princes... just crazy.

So when I say life can taken many unexpected twists... all i can is, go with it. You never know just how far from home you can get.

Hello from Bahrain!

Arrived relatively early and thanks to a serious stroke of luck, I'm staying at the best hotel in the state, breezed through the vip clearance at the airport and am now just settling in.

Not that I was a total bum, I tested the equipment and everything is up and running ok!

My cameraman rocks, the internet is smooth.. now I just need to make sure that the ol' noggin doesn't fail me.

Meanwhile, since the VVIP is not here yet.. think I shall go take a spin at the pool... wheee!!

High School Never Really Ends

The stereotypes, the cliches, the cliques... it never goes away. From school to work, you can just as easily pick out certain types or fall into a certain category.

The hot girl with the hair toss, the overachieving guy whom everyone laughs at, the bad boy who brings the booze, the sagely one who oversees from afar, the ditz, the fat one, the blur one... and so on.

Whispered exchanges in the corridors, girls sitting around talking about relationships, guys high-fiving each other when their football team wins...

Tears, anger, backstabbing, yelling... it all just makes for a normal day at work.

Seriously, with all the hormones running around, it's a wonder we get any work done.

And I'm Off Again...

This time to Bahrain. For work. Leaving on Saturday.

When I first had the notion that this was going to be my travel year, I never envisaged it being THIS crazy.

Just a short 5-day jaunt. But it's my first tv thingy, so rather stressed out.

I pray nothing goes wrong.

Oh, and life has picked up again. I guess it's really true. When you feel down in the dumps and like life is pissing rain on you.. somehow, things do come around.

Looking forward to Christmas!

depressed

Things are not going well. On any front.

The best and worst gift ever

As much as i hate being alone, i occasionally enjoy the odd moment of being a recluse.

Shutting myself in my room, turning on the a/c, snuggling under the covers and watch endless tv.

I'm a huge tv addict. American tv to be exact. I can spend hours mesmerised by what's in front of me.

Unfortunately, a lot of the stuff is not available in Singapore (damn lousy cabLe).

No matter,there's always Internet streaming.

But therein lies another problem - it's difficult to find a good link, it stops halfway or takes forever to load.

Just 2 days ago, ZW witnessed the level of my madness when i stayed up till 4am trying to load a damn episode of Vampire Diaries (no judging, the guys are really hot ok?)

Being the bestest, he gave me possibly one of the best presents ever - paid subscription to a streaming website - thinking that it'd solve my agony.

Except that it hasn't really. I'm not sleeping any earlier cos now i'm watching MORE shows. I'm even trying to watch before i start work.

Goodbye world, hello laptop.

Seriously, who the heck would want to go to work and face people you can't stand, doing work that's uninspiring, when i can veg out in my pjs?

Six

Without fanfare, our 6-month anniversary passed over us.

Has it really been half a year already? Has time moved so quickly?

We didn't celebrate... We were both working - me night shift, him graveyard... And we both kinda forgot the date even.

Oh well.

But what a six months.

While i'd like to report that things have been moving without a hitch, life alas, is not quite a fairytale.

As much as i'm still very young (ahem), my take on a relationship is less starry eyed, and dare i say it, more realistic.

Japan was a great experience not just cos it was fun, but it really showed what a life together meant, being together all the time.

I think it helped me stop being so clingy, becos i learnt the value of time apart. To have time to cool down after a fight, to have time to do your own thing without having to plan around someone else's needs and wants. Just enjoying being alone.

I admit - i'm a needy chick. I'm an emotional wreck and it can drive a person nuts with my need for reassurance.

At one point in our japan trip, we both reached a point where we were sick of being around each other so much we both agreed that we needed a short timeout to do our own thing.

And i think that was a healthy development. To admit that we didn't need to be around each other ALL THE TIME.

If i really want this to work, i need to know and feel that i'd be ok alone. That i don't need constant reminders to feel secure.

I'm not perfect, but i'm getting there.

So thanks for being patient baby, and happy anniversary. :)

Amazing Japan

It's been a little over 2 weeks since I came back from Japan and it's starting to feel like a dream, a glorious, techni-colour dream.

I'd visited Japan on 2 previous occasions. And while those experiences were lovely, travelling with someone who understands the language and culture opens up a whole new dimension.

I finally felt like I could travel previously unexplored territory. Of course, this meant great frustration on ZW's part cos he was my translator. For those who know me, I fire off ten billion questions at a time. Trying to translate and ask questions on my behalf nearly drove him nuts. But that's the perk of him being my boyfriend. He CAN'T stay mad for long. HAHA.

Yes, we fought. I cried, screamed, yelled at him in public.. but we also laughed, loved and experienced joy together. So the good with the bad yeah?

Instead of trying to recreate my entire holiday (who wants to read that?)... here's my top 5 moments instead.

It's almost impossible to condense everything, but I tried.

Oh, and I wanted to put "wearing hairbands and not looking like a prick" as one of the entries, but felt it might be too bimbo.

Here's a picture anyway.

MY TOP FIVE JAPAN 2010 MOMENTS:

5. Eating great food.


1. Giant tempura rice bowl, Asakusa
2. Kaiseki meal at Shikisai, Nikko

How can a trip to Japan be complete without great food? From a quick run to the convenience store for piping hot oden, to street food takoyaki, to meticulously prepared kaiseki meal... every morsel tastes like love and attention has been put into it.

4. Apple picking.


Apple picking in Hirosaki

The apple park is impossibly happy. Kids laughing, idyllic walks through the apple trees, the smell of apple perfuming the air. Apple-related merchandise, food, the best apple ice cream in the world. We could have spent the whole day at the park, just sitting and watching the world go by.

3. Experiencing nature



1. One of 12 lakes in Juniko
2. Red leaves in Towadako
3. Oirase stream in Towadako

I've never been much of a nature girl but ZW is mad for it. So I often found myself huffing and puffing after him. Up mountain trails, through primary forests, circling sparkling blue lakes, freezing at a swamp.

But it was oh-so-worth-it. Some of the scenery I saw was heartachingly beautiful and the sometimes arduous trek only made it even better. Brilliantly clear lakes, shockingly green leaves and the ever elusive autumn colours were a sight to behold.

Only time I came close to losing it was when I asked ZW if I needed to wear boots for one leg, and he vaguely said no need cos it's mainly boardwalks. I even showed him my white shoes and he said it's fine. Luckily I stuck to boots because we ended up trekking TWO HOURS IN A DESERTED FOREST.

2. Onsening my way through some really great places.

Outdoor onsen at Michinoku, Shirakami

When ZW first suggested we go for onsens or hot spring baths, I had my reservations. As much as I'm not a prude, I wasn't about to walk about in mixed baths with my bits exposed for all the gross men to see. And much less, I didn't want to see other people's bits.

But the experience is simply worth the initial mental trauma. Mixed baths were still a no-no, but soaking in a pool of scalding hot water after freezing the whole day is sheer bliss. It's like comfort washes over you and you're forced to relax as your bones and muscles turn to puddle. And we're all women, boobs and pubic hair are really just... boobs and pubic hair. And it's rude to stare.

Besides, it's made me more comfortable in front of the camera. Hey, once you've stripped for other people, nothing fazes you.

1. Travelling with ZW.

Dandelion field in front of a museum, Aomori

He's never too tired to hug or kiss me, to offer a smile, or take care of me. Sure, he has his moments and is known to yell.

But he's the same guy who would patiently wait as I debate with myself for the umpteenth time if i should buy a pink camera pouch, check train timings late into the night while I've already snuggled deep under the covers, look on expectantly as I try out his food recommendations, and listen to me babble on about everything under the sun.

I'm happy & monday won't get me down

Katy Perry - Teenage Dream (song in my head)

You think I'm pretty without any make-up on

You think I'm funny when I tell the punch line wrong

I know you get me, so I let my walls come down, down

Before you met me, I was a wreck

But things were kinda heavy, you brought me to life

Now every February you'll be my valentine, valentine

Let's go all the way tonight

No regrets, just love

We can dance until we die

You and I, we'll be young forever

You make me feel like I'm living a teenage dream

The way you turn me on, I can't sleep

Let's runaway and don't ever look back

Don't ever look back

My heart stops when you look at me

Just one touch, now baby I believe

This is real, so take a chance

And don't ever look back, don't ever look back

We drove to Cali and got drunk on the beach

Got a motel and built a floor out of sheets

I finally found you, my missing puzzle piece

I'm complete

Let's go all the way tonight

No regrets, just love

We can dance until we die

You and I, we'll be young forever

You make me feel like I'm living a teenage dream

The way you turn me on, I can't sleep

Let's runaway and don't ever look back

Don't ever look back

My heart stops when you look at me

Just one touch, now baby I believe

This is real, so take a chance

And don't ever look back, don't ever look back

I'ma get your heart racing in my skin-tight jeans

Be your teenage dream tonight

Let you put your hands on me in my skin-tight jeans

Be your teenage dream tonight

You make me feel like I'm living a teenage dream

The way you turn me on, I can't sleep

Let's runaway and don't ever look back

Don't ever look back

My heart stops when you look at me

Just one touch, now baby I believe

This is real, so take a chance

And don't ever look back, don't ever look back

I'ma get your heart racing in my skin-tight jeans

Be your teenage dream tonight

Let you put your hands on me in my skin-tight jeans

Be your teenage dream tonight

I'm such an idiot

For the longest time, I figured no one reads my blog, cos I never receive any comments.

Turns out, I do receive comments, I just DON'T REALISE IT.

Apparently, blogger has been sending notifications of new comments posted to my old SMU email account.

Seeing how I haven't accessed that account since I started work...

Erm... sorry commentors. I'd try harder.

What are we rushing for?

In life, some people are always pushing to accomplish something, rushing towards some pre-determined goal.

Every second is precious and every second not spent on trying to achieve your goal is a second wasted.

I'm not like that at all. I think i'm already so harrassed by work that i spend every non-work minute trying NOT to think, trying not to plan.

Because i'm forced to plan every second of my work. From the moment i start work, and this refers to the moment i hop onto the cab for my assignment.. I'm already planning.

Planning what to say, whom to interview, how to compose my story, how to optimise every minute so that i can meet daily deadlines, serve all platforms, and still go home on time.

Just today, i was harrassed by a comms person about what i wanted to ask a potential interviewee. This, after not giving the reporters any time to formulate a thought following the end of a briefing.

She kept harrassing and harrassing until i snapped and asked for a second to think and collect my thoughts.

So i'm incredibly possesive of my downtime to unwind after a day of being on edge.

It's critical to my well-being and sanity.

And i react violently to suggestions that i'm not living my life in a fulfilling manner simply because i'm not rushing to accomplish something.

I happen to like vegging out in front of mind-wasting tv.

I happen to like spending time catching up with my friends and family.

I happen to like not having to stress over my life and worry, worry, worry that i don't have a 'target' that i'm working towards.

I think the whole 'need to rush' feeling is a by-product of feeling one's mortality too keenly. That life is going to pass by too quickly. That you haven't left your mark on the world.

Me? I don't worry about that. I rather leave a strong impression on my loved ones, and know that they remember me fondly.

And that i also remembered to love myself, and not constantly have my panties in a bunch.

Apologies for the babble rant. Incredibly sleepy but also needed to get something off my chest.

Ok i'm done.

You know what really sucks?

Two journos with irregular working hours attempting to have a relationship, that's what.

Ever since coming back from Japan, I feel like I've hardly had time to talk to ZW, much less meet up with him.

After 2 weeks of being around him 24/7 and having my every squeak, sigh and pout commented on, I miss his constant presence, as stalkerish as that may sound.

It's weird not being able to reach over and loop his arm around my shoulder. It sucks that our conversations don't take place face-to-face, where we can see each other's facial expressions.. and instead, have to rely on phones and google chat to act as our go-between.

Our schedules are totally unfriendly. When I'm on morning shift, he's at night. When I'm on night shift, he's in the morning.

My weekends are burned.. and he usually doesn't get weekdays off.

So much so that it's a Friday night, I'm at home cos I have to work tomorrow.. and my poor boyfriend is dragging his tired ass over to my house so that we can spend a little time together.. seeing how I have to work 13 hours tomorrow and go into the office on Sunday morning.

Lovely, just lovely.

New Blog Skin

Just felt a change was in order.

My last blog skin was all black, the header picture was moody.. and reflected a different Joanne. A Joanne who needed change, who was restless, who was expecting something, but not quite sure what.

Well, I think I'm in a different place now.

A lot lighter (pity not physically, sigh), a lot more cheery.

Hence, a happier blogskin is called for.

Still a few kinks, but I'm getting there.

Still a dreamer, still longing to be a traveller. But also enjoying the joys of being a lover. :)

Pseudo art critic for the day

At a media preview for the Lion King Musical!

Debuting March 2011 at the Marina Bay Sands...

Not sure how this is news, but as a casual bystander, i'm excited!

I'm Back!

And depressed. I want to be back in Japan.

I've always loved Japan - the food, the fashion, the anything goes kinda attitude. Sure, it's not perfect - the repressed natures, the train suicides, the pressure to perform... but hey, who's perfect?

Anyway, being back in Japan, this time with someone who understands and has lived the culture... is a totally different experience. It's like I'm finally seeing a country not as a tourist, but as a part of it. It's like on some level, I merged a little into the current and became part of the flow.

Hope to get pictures up soon!

Japan in T minus...

Yes, it's finally here!!! Just met the Zhao to get our train tickets... It's really happening!

There's this nervous mix of anticipation and anxiety. I've never travelled so long with him before.

Bali doesn't count cos it was only 2 days, plus there's not muuch planning or running around involved.

But 2 weeks in japan? The dynamics are going to be interesting. Will we argue (probably)? Will there be misunderstandings (count on it)? But will be also have a fantabulous time? Oh yeah baby.

Closure

I suppose i finally got some answers. Some i already knew, some, i had chosen to ignore.

In the 5 months since i broke up with F, i never got over the feeling of guilt. Sure, i was euphorically in love, but there was a part of me that was also in pain. ZW warned me that the guilt could overwhelm our relationship and i swore it wouldn't. And i suppressed it.

But in the past week, those feelings bubbled up and in a fit of despair, i emailed Fadz. A long, blabbering email that was part apology, part therapy, and part plea for answers.

That's how i found out that he reads my blog. Ironically, when we were together, he never cared to read my blog or find out what i was thinking. But when we were apart, he became a blog stalker.

Anyway, he texted me to "stop being on edge".. And i was like fuck it, i'm calling him.

We talked for over an hour - almost like catching up with an old friend.

He told me he wasn't mad, that he got over being bitter, that yes, our relationship had run its course. And he had moved on (and i do mean, moved on).

For the first time in a long while, i found myself listening more than talking. F said he had been meaning to contact me, to tell me he's ok. But he never did.

(on a side note: thanks ah! For letting me go on being a martyr and hating on myself! But i guess although you didn't hate me, it didn't mean you had to make it easy either.)

We both agreed that the spark had died out a long time ago, and we were blindly chasing after something. Our ideal something.

He said i loved him more than he loved me (ohh, that one hurt), and he simply couldn't match up to what i wanted and needed.

His words felt like pricks into this wall of strength i had developed, but also filled a lot of gaps.

I guess i did try to mould him into what i wanted. In the beginning, perhaps he was willing to go along, being his first love. But as he gained confidence in himself, i became a shackle.

Meanwhile, i felt him distancing and instead of growing a backbone, i hang on. I guess it was inevitable he would fall for someone else.

At that point, i think it hurt so much not because i loved him so much (sure, there was that), but because he had become such a constant in my life and i couldn't deal with the upheaval.

We got back together eventually, which may or may not have been the right thing to do. I mean, everytime something goes wrong, he throws up a wall. I batter away at it and sometimes it works and things become good again. But it's always a stop gap solution.

So when we got back together, We both pledged that we'd try. Try to be what the other needed and wanted. As if we could really change.

What idiots we were. People don't change.

And we did accomplish that to a certain degree. We chose to tip toe around each other. Ignoring differences. You know, i don't think we fought in our last 3 years together. Not because we finally understood each other, but because we stopped caring about progressing the relationship and just wanted peace.

With my trust broken, i think i took a piece of my heart and locked it up. As if i was expecting to be hurt again, i took that piece of me and kept it safe. F couldn't hurt me again; but at the same time, i could never be so dedicated and let him in completely again.

And our relationship stopped being a thing of joy and support. We were perhaps happy, and comfortable.

Like wearing my favourite shoes. It's slightly dirty, perhaps a bit stinky, but it's comfortable and familiar.

And then ZW came along. And ignited that part of me which had laid dormant. The me who needed romance, and words and gestures. The me who needed someone unafraid to declare his feelings, both good and bad. The me who preferred to talk (shout) things out instead of keeping mum and letting ill feelings fester. The me who needed someone who recognised that for all my tough talking, i really was a bundle of insecurities who just wanted to be cuddled. Not condescended towards, cuddled.

Maybe that's why it was so easy to walk out on an 8-year relationship. People didn't understand, but i knew i was ready.

And by his own admission, so did F. He said he didn't blame me, nor was he entirely surprised.

Yes he was bitter, but i do believe that stems from being dumped, rather than losing me. And i say this factually.

Because in all honesty, this was bound to happen. And sorry, but based on track records, it could just have easily been him. I simply beat him to it.

And that's also why he healed rather quickly. Because there wasn't much to heal from. As he described it, ours had become a tainted love. And i do think he enjoyed occasionally hurting me, and me him, because it really was twisted. Or rather, we wanted to feel something other than restraints.

So yes, it did hurt hearing the bald truth, but it was the last piece of the puzzle that had to be resolved. The 17-year-old joanne had to recognise that the 17-year-old fadzli that she loved and adored was no more. That we had grown up and that unshakable faith that everything was going to work out... Well.. I guess not.

I was afraid to let go of that last piece because it truly, and irrevocably, meant the end.

At least we walk away with hopefully some wisdom. He, that it's dangerous and destructive to build walls. Me, that i am actually needy and i need to love a person for who he is, and not what i want. And trust once broken, is impossible to restore. And to have fucking backbone.

So to my dearest darling Zhaowei, thank you. Thank you for being who you are. Yes, you are not perfect (come on, you have to admit it! Haha), but you make me happy, and i think i make you happy too. And not just the wow-that's-a-cute-balloon happy, but the knees weak, hearting pounding kinda happy.

I love you and you're my Zeus. ;) (inside joke)

Oh brother

Shit, did i just do what i think i just did?

Shit shit shit.

Now i'm gonna be on edge over the next few days.

I'm such a spazoid

I'm so not a long-distance relationship kinda girl

So the boyfriend is off in Japan for 8 days.. and we've been relying on Skype to stay in contact.

Let me just state now and forever that I will never be a long distance relationship kinda girl.

Seriously.

Not only does it suck that I can't simply meet up with him, it sucks even more that we have to rely on technology.

And boy, do I have a strong distaste for technology.

With F, our relationship degenerated into an sms-once-in-a-while situation. And with texts, you can't hear or see the emotion, the true intent behind the polite "haha" or "love you baby" (creature of habit, much?)

Thought things would be significantly better with Skype, what with pictures and stuff. Not quite.

I'm using an ancient camera that's low definition. And without a mike, I'm practically shouting at my computer. Throw in a patchy connection that requires me to shout and repeat, shout and repeat, add in a grumpy and tired boyfriend who's had little sleep... and you get a combustive mix.

It was pretty much a you-stare-at-me-stare-at-you thing. And we both logged off in a huff.

Argh, so annoying. Screw this.

Oh, and I bumped into Becky at NUS on Monday. She's F's good friend. I was a little shocked that she would greet me, much less say hi and chat with me for a bit. I refrained from asking about F because A) There were other people listening in on the conversation, B) she was so nice and I felt bad troubling her.

I always wonder how our mutual friends stand over the breakup. I knew that when F broke up with me, my KB friends despised him, the uni people were compassionate but largely indifferent as F was this entity that flitted in and out, and Wern cursed him like the great supportive girlfriend she is, bless her soul.

So at the back of my mind, I was wondering why Becky was so nice to me. Maybe she doesn't know the cause of our breakup? Maybe she really is (and she really is) a great and nice person?

Sigh, too complicated. Shall not dwell. It's getting easier these days to well.. not dwell and not mope over certain things. I guess time really is the answer. That, and enough trashy tv to wipe clean my mind.

A charming day

I wrote this yesterday but for some reason.. blogger didn't upload it. Here goes again:

 

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We went for a picnic at West Coast Park yesterday.

Perhaps a rather odd location, as it lacks the buzz and activities of East Coast and Pasir Ris.

But we had a charming time, despite the torrential downpour that stranded us in a Mac's that smelt like puke.

Good food (i cooked, ahem), perfectly breezy weather, and entertainment.

We watched kite enthusiasts attempt to fly kites with zero breeze. We made up stories, laughed at this people, or enjoyed a comfortable silence.

I think there's nothing like having your lover's head in your lap, with not a care in the world.

Hmm, now i really miss my darling...

Another farewell

Huh, the Zhao is off to Japan... Without me.

Yup, he's going on 2 Japan trips back-to-back. So disgusting right?

That's twice now that I've sent him off at the airport and been left behind... Sobz..

9th October cannot arrive any sooner.

Some memories hurt

It's like a snowball effect... You see something that triggers a memory, that then compels you to search further and you dig up memories that only serve to hurt even more.

Or in this case, inflict pain on myself.

F posted up pictures from jc time on fb. And there were 2 pics of the two of us.

We looked so young, so happy and so in love.

I don't understand why he did it. He took down every other photo of us. Why bother reminding himself of us, when there's no more "us"?

I took to reading my old blog entries, circa 2005. I was apparently so happy... But the thing is, i don't even remember some of the things that i wrote about.

Did we really share such a memory? Did we really have such a moment? Do i even recognise the Joanne who was writing about such things?

Sure, even then i was plagued by questions of religion. But i sounded SO DAMN SURE that everything was going to be for the better.

I don't regret ending a relationship that was already in my mind, on the decline.

But the romantic in me regrets that such a love had to end, that life really isn't like in fairy tales.

And i love ZW, i really do. But there's also a part of me that is fearful. Fearful that i don't know how to sustain a relationship. Fearful that if this doesn't work out, the romantic in me would be too bruised to ever recover.

To ever believe again that i can have a happily ever after.

Some memories hurt

It's like a snowball effect... You see something that triggers a memory, that then compels you to search further and you dig up memories that only serve to hurt even more.

Or in this case, inflict pain on myself.

F posted up pictures from jc time on fb. And there were 2 pics with of the two of us.

We looked so young, so happy and so in love.

I don't understand why he did it. He took down every other photo of us. Why bother reminding himself of us, when there's no more "us"?

I then took to reading my old blog entries, circa 2005. I was apparently so happy... But the thing is, i don't even remember some of the things that i wrote about.

Did we really share such a memory? Did we really have such a moment?

Sure, even then i was plagued by questions of religion. But i sounded SO DAMN SURE that everything was going to be for the better.

I don't regret ending a relationship that was already in my mind, on the decline.

But the romantic in me regrets that such a love had to end, that life really isn't like in fairy tales .

OMG OMG OMG OMG

How can I wait an entire month before I head off to Japan with the Zhao???

And let's just say the planning experience has been... different.

Usually, I'm the one who does all the detailing, the sorting out of day-to-day activities...

But the Zhao was not having any of it. He planned our entire 2-week trip!!! Buses and stations and all!

We're heading to Tokyo, Nikko and Aomori. And at Nikko, we are staying at this AMAZING ryokan, with an outdoor bathtub facing the nature wonderland.

I THINK I'M GOING TO DIE OF ANTICIPATION. The experience promises to blow our minds away: onsen, japanese-style room, and elegant, elaborate dining.

Unfortunately, it's so bloody expensive we're only staying 1 night. But still!

OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG.

There's nothing like...

Waking up to your loved one in the morning.

When I'm still in that sleep-induced state, brain not fully operational... and I turn over and see him. With his defences down, foreheard smooth and not furrowed in deep thought. Innocent.

Sometimes I wake up in his arms, other times I have to turn over and worm my way back into that warm cacoon. And he's always obliging, always ready to wrap his arms around me.

And it feels like the safest place in the world.

Teouble is, we usually end up running late when we bunk together. HAHA.

This Friday...

Is Hari Raya. I didn't even realise until Pei Won pointed it out to me.

In between work, ZW's trip and just daily living, i had clean forgotten. Lost track of time.

As Wen puts it, i have no reason to find the day significant anymore.

In all likelihood, i'd be working.. Even if i wasn't, it'd just be another public holiday...

So why do i feel so crummy for forgetting? Like it should be part of my dna, and by forgetting, i'm a really bad person?

Guess i'm thinking too much. Actually, it might help if i really do forgot it's significance.

What's the point of beating myself up now that it's over?

Sigh

Well, the Zhao is off to Pakistan to be a war journo.. Or not.

Despite there being destruction, disease, pain and violence, and despite my reservations, i couldn't say no.

As a fellow journo, i can understand the desire to see outside of Singapore, the lure of being thrown into utter chaos, surviving on your wits and witnessing something that's both horrifying but also appealing as a writer.

As one professional to another, how could i have denied him this chance? If someone gave me a plane ticket, i might have hopped on too.

So although the girlfriend part of me is terrified and worried and sickened with fear... I couldn't stop him.

He did say that if i expressed great opposition, he would pull out. I thought about it, but in the end, i just couldn't do it.

I can't wait for Tuesday to roll around...

Restless

Oh restless spirit, what exactly is it that i crave?

I sometimes wonder if i have a self-destructive nature.

If not for my fear of pain, i would probably have been one of those kids who sliced their arms to get some release from inner demons.

Seriously, i would find myself in a real dark place, contemplating if i should let things fester and deteriorate, wondering if i should destroy something that once gave me joy...

Just to see what happens....

See if it would really cause me pain, or if i would survive and simply move on.

Yup, in a twisty mood. I'm in a funk.

And i'm exasperated, so exasperated!

Why should i give a damn, if you don't give a damn about me?

Why can't i be thoughtless, if you are thoughtless?

Wish my brain would shut down. Just to give me some peace for a bit.

Caught between 2 desires

I may bitch a lot about my job but really, i do sometimes think i'm being overly dramatic.

Don't get me wrong; the work can be soul-sapping, especially in Singapore's media climate..

And my environment does get toxic, to the point where i'm afraid to question humanity and the EQ of some people...

But the non-work perks are so damn great.

In reference to my photo, i'm currently having a leisurely lunch at the marriott hotel cafe on a balmy Tuesday afternoon because I CAN.

Whenever i think i have reached my breaking point, a midweek day off really perks me up.

I have ME time - something so precious it's almost like a unicorn, mythical but unreal.

I can eat whatever i want, then do my hair and nails.. Without having to bother with the crowds or fret that i'm keeping someone waiting or have to make small talk.

I'm normally real sociable, but on some days, i just want to scream FTW (fuck the world).

Another perk of the job - being able to take cabs all the time for work. Seriously, i can't emphasise how much that has saved me. Passing out blissfully in the backseat, only to wake up refreshed for my job.

But should i stay in a job just for it's non-work perks?

I suppose if i can switch my brain off and just treat it as any other job.. Do what i have to do and leave.. It might work.

But sometimes i catch myself asking if that's all i'm capable of. Shouldn't i be out on the streets, trying to discover some injustice?

And then i realise it's 10pm, i've been working for 12 hours, and i have a morning job the following day.

And all desire to be a hard-hitting, cutting edge journo disappears.

I guess i'm lucky cos it's not like i need a regular working hours kind of job... No kids to take care off.. And the pay is not great, but i'm not in dire need to pay off a mortgage.

Plus the boyfriend also has shitty hours, so there's no real need to keep regular hours.

So being able to not work on random days, and not having to take work home is a huge, huge plus.

I just wish the actual work was more fulfilling. Then it's really be the perfect job for me.

I feel fat

Worse, i look fat on tv. It's utterly depressing.

Must be bad karma. I was at an event and saw someone with a round face and the thought "wow! That's a round face!" exploded in my head.

Damn the lack of exercising. And overeating (damn you lin zhaowei for overpampering me!)

Huh, i'm so depressed i'm contemplating running.

Maybe.

Relationships are a strange thing...

For all the plus points, there are some pitfalls.

Seriously, if we humans are not such sluts for companionship, I think the world would be a lot happier.

How many senseless battles have been fought due to the equivalent of (on a much larger scale, of course), "why you stare at/insult my girl?"

Feeling a little angsty thing morning, as you can tell.

The boyfriend and I are swimming along this river called love and time.

While it's been mostly peachy smooth, we do encounter the occasional bump. Sometimes a bump that's easy to ride over, sometimes enough to rile me up that I have to stew over it for a bit.

ZW is an incredibly intense person and when he sets his mind to something, he also sets a certain (very high) level that he has to achieve. And this applies to everything - work, love, even buying stuff. And he likes to extend that intensity to me too.

I, on the other hand, as most of you know, am quite happy just sailing through life, sometimes settling for less, not always concerned about standards... all in the name of leading a harmonious life with few worries.

So you can see why there may sometimes be clashes of personality. It's an unstoppable force meeting ... a flowing river?

Case in point: I'm looking to buy a new camera. Initially, I got all excited about buying a dslr (no doubt influenced by ZW)... but after calming down, I realised that I'm never gonna go pro. So why spend thousand of dollars on a camera that's heavy, black (ew) and produces pictures with a quality that I'm probably not going to be able to appreciate.

The boyfriend got a little annoyed but nothing major, cos he had spent some time looking for a nice pink dslr for me.

Anyway, the conclusion was that I wanted a nice, pink, point-and-shoot compact camera with decent specs.

Again, he embarked on a camera hunt.. and the way he operates is that he would scour the internet for writeups, recommendations... for HOURS on end.

Let me just say that I never EXPLICITLY asked him to look for a camera for me. In some sense, he took it upon himself to do it. Ok, sounding a little ungrateful here...

So when he next found a compact camera, pink no less, with pretty good specs, he got all excited over the fact that he found THE ONE.

And then I heard the price. And blanched. And hemmed and hawed a little...

Which then pissed him off. Cos to him, quality matters, and price is sometimes not a factor.

And then he kinda yelled at me to figure out what was important - did I want specs, did I want pink, did I want affordable?

Which riled me up (cos I don't respond well to hostility) and I said I want everything, cannot issit?

Then he got annoyed and starting throwing random recommendations, and calling them "cheap".

To cut a long story short, we both got all huffy and put down the phone.

Needless to say, I went to bed in a less than pleasant mood.

Fast forward to this morning... I open my gmail, and see that ZW stayed up till 3am looking for more camera models that would fit my requirements.

And he messages me when he wakes up, no anger left in him.

How can I stay mad, you tell me?

And once again, I'm left mystified, and yet, thankful, that I found him.

Family funnies

My family members are all jokers. Seriously.

So we're having dessert... And my mum rejects her chocolate cake as it has a mousse top.

She proclaims it's too soft.

A side note: my mum hates soft things.

So i asked, why can't you eat hard cheese?

Mum: hate it. Can't stand the smell.

Cheryl: so you can only eat hard and odourless things?

Like styrofoam?

At this point, my mum let out a string of expletives. Well, not exactly. But as violent as mums get. Teehee.

Day 1

Ramadhan has started... Triggering a flood of emotions and thoughts.

It's strange to imagine that at the start of this year, i was toying with the idea of fasting.

Sort of to ease myself into the Muslim way of life.

At that point, I could almost see my life panning out in a certain way, and i wanted to acclimatise so that when the transition happened, it would not be a total shock.

Guess things don't always happen the way you expect them to.

This time last year, I was making plans to ensure that I'd not be working during Hari Raya.

So that i could spend the whole day at F's house, hanging out with his relatives, even serving them as I would during Chinese New Year.

I would arrive in the morning, play with his baby cousins, feast on his mum's great cooking, talk to his uncles and aunts.

Sometimes i would fall asleep as the afternoon wore on, or tear after one of his naughty cousins in the corridor.

There's almost a twinge of sadness knowing that I won't be there this year.

I wonder if the whole family knows. I wonder if they will ask where I am. I wonder how F will answer the questions.

He's never been big on sharing his feelings, thoughts or what's happening in his life.

Sigh...

I may no longer be walking down that path, but these memories still linger.

Random Updates

I'm bored in the office. Will blog about random things.

As some of you may know, I was at the Padang yesterday reporting about the parade.

Thing is, I was so bored that I started snapping random pictures and uploading them on Facebook.

But since the whole world was probably equally bored and restless and plugged into their 3G phones, this meant the airwaves (internet waves? I dunno) were jammed.

Which made uploading photos a bitch. and battery-draining.

So I spent the whole afternoon rushing in and out of the media centre to charge my phone in-between attempting to do work. And the bloody phone still died in the end when I needed it the most - to call for a cab home. Sigh.

Fast forward to today. The boyfriend stayed over and graciously escorted me to work this morning.

Except that he dropped his phone in the cab. Some kind soul then called me cos I was the latest person on his phone log. So there I was, waiting for the cab to make a u-turn to where I was (high court, no less).

And I was wondering if the boy would be smart enough to call me. Cos just last week, we got into a ridiculous argument when he couldn't remember my handphone number. He kept saying he has his phone with him at all times and doesn't need to memorise numbers. I asked huffily what happens if he loses his phone.

Ah life is funny that way.

Anyway I knew he was walking about City Hall and figured I might as well check out the nearest shopping centre to see if I could bump into him.

Looked around, couldn't find him, then sat down for breakfast with another colleague who was also at court.

Lo and behold, ZW was in the same cafe, just blocked by a wall. HAHAHA! COINCIDENCE OR WHAT!

Then my stupid colleague had to leave his notebook behind. What is it with men and leaving things behind for me to pick up!!!!!

Ok, end of random update. Will go back to my regular schedule of thumb twiddling... which is a good thing. Cos I'm so bloody sleepy and tired.

BRAIN.NOT.FIRING.ON.ALL.LEVELS.

Trying to muster my nationalistic pride

Urgh, stuck with national day duty. In the scorching sun.

Just came from a stay-cation with the family. Kind off a family tradition.

Last year we checked into the Fullerton. This year, the Marina Mandarin. The whole family chills by the pool, goes for meals, went for a movie...

Laughed at my misfortune.

We even went for ktv, boyfriend included. As usual, he took the opportunity to make everyone swoon. I love, love, love his singing.

Doing duets with him are damn paiseh.

And now i'm stuck on a bus blashing cheena pop tunes.

Excellent.

Sometimes, I do pity the boyfriend

Cause when I'm in the mood, I can be downright horrible to be around.

I'm caustic, I flit from topic to topic trying to suppress my irritation, nothing holds my attention for long, I itch for a good yelling match, I allow myself to wallow into the depths of annoyance and impatience...

Like I said, I pity the boyfriend.

And it can be bewildering to keep up, as I switch from smiling, to sulking, to cutting, to pleasant. Huh, sometimes I even amaze myself.

Then I start to talk to quickly, speak in weird lingo (influenced by years of trashy American tv-meets mtv-meets e! entertainment) that can be confusing for someone with a more traditional (tv) viewing habit.

And when ZW goes "huh?" or fails to keep up with my (failed) logic, I get pissed off, like "get with the programme already!"

For someone (him) who takes things very personally, my unintention snub can turn potentially fatal.........

Sigh. I think I'd try even a saint's patience at this point.

Anyways, I'm back to sulking.

Back from Bali!

An utterly fabulous vacation... Which was nearly ruined by a last minute bout of food poisoning on the last day.

But i'm thankful for small miracles. I spent two amazing days in bali, lazing by the pool, eating amazing food, going for a massage... And best of all, just hanging out with ZW.

Haha, the thing about having a photographer for a bf is that... EVERYTHiNG has to be photographed. In the best possible light. From different angles.

Great for creating memories, but can be a little exasperating at times. Ah, but i guess it must be love when he convinces me to get out of bed at 6am and into the pool for an artistic water shoot. Hahhha..

And we were having so much fun that ZW contemplated, like seriously contemplated extending one more night. Like buying new plane tickets and booking the hotel room for one more night.

I managed to talk him out of it. Hey, it was the start of high season and prices shot up! I'm a thoughtful, great gf in that way. haha

But having food poisoning really, really sucks. I'm still a bit weak, the appetites's off.. And i'm real grumpy when i'm sick.

I snapped at ZW on the plane ride back to singapore, told him to bugger off when he tried to put his hands around me thinking to comfort me...

Hey, in my defence, my stomach hurt and i was alternating between chills and fever. Not exactly cuddle material.

And he still found me sexy. Hahah. Definitely a keeper. :)

Relocating

Don't worry, not me. Just been receiving news lately that a number of friends and acquaintances are throwing off the shackles of Singapore life and heading out to make their mark in the world.

I know three people who are heading to the Middle East, China and Hong Kong... and a certain Ms Tan has always made known her intentions to head to the US.. and my sister is already there.

What is it about moving to a foreign land that's so attractive? I personally have never felt the need to relocate. Seriously. And I don't think I'm being narrow-minded here. Heck, I know Singapore is definitely NOT the end all and be all. And it has many faults.

But it's home. And whenever I feel the need to see the world, I do just that. Head overseas and frankly, after a while, I do miss home and want to sleep in my own bed. I've been known to exclaim with glee upon reaching Changi Airport. It's warm! and carpeted! and look ma, pretty flowers!

Besides, I simply have too many connections tying me to Singapore. Family, friends, love...

Hell, I gave up the chance to study overseas because of well.. Fadz. Back then, there was no way I would have willingly chosen to be away from him for 6 months because I knew that would spell the end of our relationship. And I never regretted that decision.

Now.. well, there's a new link tying me to Singapore. :)

Some people may scream... "WHY THE HECK ARE YOU GIVING UP CAREER FOR A MAN?? A MERE MAN!!?? WHAT HAPPENED TO INDEPENDENT WOMEN?"

Err, ok.. more power to you. But do I strike you as the career type? Besides, who says I can't have both? And surely I need to feel a powerful attraction for this foreign land before making the leap right??

I do think I've travelled quite a bit (by far no where complete, but sufficient).

And I've yet to visit a place that I can conceivably call a second home. The closest would probably be New York, but even then, I hate the stinky, old subway where you never know if you're going to be molested and even then, you're helpless and you can't do anything on the crowded trains.

London - expensive, grey and sometimes depressing
Tokyo - language barrier
Melbourne - racism
Hong Kong - health hazard
Paris - safety concerns (haven't you all heard how I was accousted by a gang of men at the foot of the White Cathedral or Basilica or whatever you call it??)

And I haven't really figured out what I want to do with me life. If that's the case, how do I even go about searching for opportunities?

I suppose my current job has also contributed to the lack of restlessness. If I was stuck in a 9-to-5 job in the office, I would probably go out of my mind as well.

But my life is such that I'm often praying to be in the office. Most days, I'm thrown out of the office and pounding the streets. When I'm working, I rarely have the time to even think, much less ponder about my sad life.

(Ok, now's the exception cos I'm manning the morning shift that's a nice respite from all the normal craziness.)

But back to the post. Relocating.. despite all my protests, I would never say never. I just need a strong enough incentive.

The girls over for dinner and guitar hero

Yes, that's two people on drums. And we still failed :(

Me boy in action

Going behind the lense

Having tasted what it feels like to be in front of the camera, i thought i'd go behind the camera for a lark.

Helped out ZW at this event... To do general filming. It's surprisingly difficult.

My shoulders are aching from carrying a tiny camera. I dunno how my cameramen do it with a real, 20kg camera.

My hands are definitely shaky, my eye for composition can be improved.

But at least from hanging out with cameramen so often, i know at least, where to be at the right time.

Oh, and photogs can be downright ruthless. I was pushed around, yelled at, glared at. I screamed right back. In my private capacity, i can piss people off. Bleagh.

But.... Guess i'd stick to being a talking head. ;)

How times have changed

It just hit me the other day that i haven't watched a movie in a long time.

Why is that significant, you ask?

In my previous relationship, watching movies was more than entertainment, it was practically a way of life, a religion. Not week went by without at least 1 film, or 2.

I suppose since the ex wasn't financially sound, and i'm never that, watching movies is a relatively cheap way to pass time.

Besides, after a while we ran out of things to do and movies were a convenient option.

But that isn't the case now. I suppose the newness of the relationship means we haven't fallen into a pattern yet. Or have fallen back on a standard activity to pass for spending time together.

Speaking of the relationship, it's very strange.

We've been together less than 2 months, but it doesn't feel like a new relationship.

He doesn't feel like stranger, neither do i feel awkward around him.

You know how sometimes when meeting a new person, you might try to put on your best persona and act all perfect?

Not me. I've sulked, pouted, yelled, punched, cried, screamed, fallen sick, been emotionally detached.. And he still loves me. Amazing.

I wonder if this is it. After a period of restlessness and doubt, have i finally found what i what, what i need? :) guess time will tell.

And should that be the case, I wonder what our couple activity will eventually be.

I hope it's something exciting. Like travelling.

Speaking of that, we're going to bali in july!!! Excited to the max.

Will be heading to the Alila Ubud. Ssscccrreeaammm!!

Oh, and keeping to the theme of the post, even though it kinda deviated.. The last movie i watched was Snow Prince, on my birthday.

Haven't seen SATC, nor Toy Story 3... Or anything really. And it doesn't really bother me. :P

Day 2

Struggling to keep awake at a super eeaarrlllyyy conference. A seemingly non-stop line of speakers being trotted out, one after another.

In my sleep-deprived state, all the speakers are starting to merge as one. Fabulous.

People around me are either spacing out, sleeping outright or playing with their phones.

So are my fellow reporters. Have we ever looked more bored?

Trying out blogging from my mobile

Ever since i signed up for a data plan, i've been obsessively looking for things to do on the go.

Facebook only takes me so far. Cue mobile blogging.

Anyway, i was in batam over the weekend and boy was that good.

It's amazing how a massage can really lift one's spirits.

Even though i had to work, at least i didn't end up feeling like shit.

Or maybe that's cos i escaped with doing radio only. Heh.

Today's Funny, courtesy of my mum

I'm heading off to Batam for the weekend, with the girls and ZW.

Massage haven, here I come to get kneaded and pounded!

Speaking of ZW, my family keeps calling him that, ZW. They say his name is difficult to pronounce. Huh.

Anyway, my mum has the habit of taking down the handphone numbers of the people I'm travelling with (yes friends, my mum can stalk you guys).

So I have her ZW's number. And it's a pretty sweet number. Plenty of eights and easy as pie to remember.

My mum, immediately impressed, starts counting the numbers and plotting her next 4-D bets.

Sigh.

J'adore

After a really crummy day at work (stupid floods are ruining my life!), I was all ready to collapse and was walking around the office like a zombie.

Think 12-hour day, chasing floods, tracking down drains... on an empty stomach.

Thankfully, I have a wonderful support system around me.

I reached home, and my mum promptly steamed up a ba zhang for me, while my sis poured me a stiff drink of choya, straight up.

And still in his work clothes (he came by my office to pick me up), my darling ZW started cooking soup for me.

He even put up with my diva request "I don't like lumps in my soup".

Sure, it was instant soup, but hey, sweet nonetheless. Nothing like a man who knows his way around the kitchen. Sexy.

Pity I still fell sick today. Argh.

Photos!

No cohesive thought running through this post.. just that maybe I should post a few photos up cos the blog is looking kinda boring with all the words, words, words.

I suppose a plausible theme would be that I'm trying to condense a month's worth of events into a 5-minute photo entry.

On that note, I'm the world's crummiest girlfriend. For our one-month anniversary, I gave ZW a crummy card. He on the other hand, gave me a map of the world (cos he wants to travel the world with me... awwww) and created a photo album of our time together so far, complete with notes. I felt like sinking into my chair when he pulled the present out of his bag...

I suppose this is my poor man's version of making up for that imbalance?

So here are some pretty pictures. :D


As most of you know by now, ZW and I met in China. And the chemistry was pretty instant. It's not often you find someone whom you feel comfortable with straight away. We were talking like old friends by the 2nd day of the camp. This is still one of our favourite photos by far.


This was taken on the last day of the camp. If you can detect a slightly sheepish expression on my face, that's cos we both knew something was going on, but neither of us wanted to admit it... Circumstances then made it difficult to imagine that we could be more than friends. Or rather, I didn't want to contemplate a "what-if" scenario, cos daydreaming can be so dangerous.. Guess things worked out differently :)


My birthday! This was taken at Morton's. Yup, I carried a doraemon doll around the fancy restaurant. Haha! We call this the family picture. ZW was using a Polaroid camera that day, with some apparently fancy Black+White film. Huh. I swear by digital cameras. Can take multiple shots, can look at them before deciding to keep or trash. With Polaroid it's just liddat.

Yes, this is my very messy room. Sighhh.. This was taken when we celebrated ZW's birthday. Our birthdays are in fact, just 2 weeks apart. Ahh, 2 Geminis.. I made him a lava chocolate cake which I have to say, was quite delish, if not for a little defect in its appearance...

See, I wasn't bluffing.

Brought him to Picotin for dinner. Great pizzas, but skip the foie gras, and don't wear too many layers cos the air-con is non-existent.


The jacket was my birthday present to ZW. Yes, I know, he's a super poseur. But I love this shot. A) Cos I took it and B) Cos I think he looks preettyy fine. :D

Loving someone is serious business... seriously exhuasting business.

Think the lack of sleep is getting to me. Breakouts, eye bags, water retention.

Gaahhh!!!!

On the bright side, celebrated ZW's birthday yesterday.

I think it was a pretty good day. *satisfied smirk*

The First Month...

Has been filled with love, puzzlement, new discoveries, laughter and anger. Yup, I think we've covered quite a wide range.

It's both exhilarating and scary to know a new person, and attempt to find out if something long term can be established. Especially under our circumstances.

With schedules as mad as ours, we are often left with snatches of time, precious hours after work, stolen moments in between maintaining some normalcy of life.

Throw in friends, family, work, birthdays.. and sleep goes out the window. But I suppose it's a small sacrifice for what I get in return.

It's the small things that leave the deepest impressions. The small gestures, sometimes unconscious, that can cause me to both smile and leave me vexed.

I love how his face can be a picture of serenity, but his ears will turn a flaming red when he's had alcohol, is embarrassed or gets angry.

I love that he gives me bear hugs that feel like my bones are about to break, leaving me breathless and warm.

He doesn't use cologne, but gives off this musky smell that permeates from his skin and gets onto his clothes, that I'm crazy about.

He's real friendly and not shy to strike up a conversation with my family or friends.

Did I mention that he serenaded the KB girls during our KTV session with 张学友's "如果爱", which caused Meibao to ask if he was in choir, and all I could think was " damn, my boyfriend is hawt!"

He has kinda impressed my family with his scholarly achievements, but what really took it over the edge was when he referenced the Great Gatesby during a conversation Cheryl and I was having about Long Island, New York. I caught the glint of surprise and approval on Cheryl's face.

He walks with a slight hunch, and I'm always reminding him to stand up straight.

He gives me these long looks that I'm unable to look away from, and I find myself hopelessly lost in his gaze, no mean feat considering that his eyes are so small (hur hur hur).

He's shown great patience and understanding when I fall into a funk, or get majorly guilt-ridden. At no point did he ever say "snap out of it".

He's so ticklish that I can just give him a "look with intention" and he'd immediately recoil from my touch and burst into laughter.

He likes to ruffle my hair and call me "silly girl" in a tender manner - something that both annoys me and yet, causes me to break into a smile.

Of course, the man is by no means perfect.

He has an awful temper, and is quick to get angry.

Sometimes, I don't even realise that I'm antagonizing him, but he takes it personally and gets real fired up.

He doesn't like dissent, which I do real well. In fact, I'm all for differing opinions, but he hates that.

He rushes into things head first, sometimes without thought, and gets frustrated when I'm not as eager, or quick to get on board.

Er, I know the con list is really short compared to the pro list... but they're BIG cons ok!!!!

I wonder what the next month will bring. :)

Melancholy

Now that some of the initial high of a new relationship has worn off... the hormones have calmed down and the giggly fits have subsided... it feels like my mind is trying to sabotage me.

Woke up in a start this morning, heart pounding. Wished I didn't dream the things I did.

At times, the memories and thoughts of what I've done will creep in, forcing me to confront myself.

I wonder if I'd ever find peace.

The temptation to check on F.. to ask for forgiveness.. is sometimes overwhelming. But I know I can't. And more importantly, I don't deserve it.

Li Wern talks about karma. Of consequences. I wonder if in the end, I may just create a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Because everytime I fall into this rut, I push ZW further away. And it's unfair to him.

I wish I can curl up in his arms all the time and not have to think. Because that's the only time I feel safe and not haunted by my own demons.

This is not something that he can help me with. Except be patient and understanding. I just pray he has both, and thinks I'm worth the effort.

Huh, I was all ready to write a really sweet and dreamy post.

But then, we got into this massive... argument? Heated discussion? Yelling match? It may have been online, but I swear, I could totally imagine us screaming at each other if we were speaking in person.

And what sparked it off? Apple. And world domination.

*insert swear words*

:)

The meeting with the family wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be. In fact, I think my family was downright charming in our normal screwball way, and ZW was thankfully, put at ease.

Guess the Awfully Chocolate Cake was the perfect bribe.

Full, contented and loved. Life's good. :)

Here's a photo for the curious. I took it on one of our earlier dates and I dunno, I guess I love his expression.



Yeah, I know his eyes are small.

Welcome to my life

So ZW met Kristin, Sylvia and Shawn last night.

And I must say it was a little... awkward.

Unlike the meeting with Gerrie and Jiamei, where the alcohol had already been flowing and everyone was merrily buzzed by the time ZW arrive, this get-together was done entirely sober.

I suppose it's too much to expect that everyone would be instantly comfortable and talking freely with ZW.

And I can't assume that everyone is entirely ok with the situation.

Shawn has taken on a slightly hostile stance. I wouldn't say he's rude.. just stand-offish perhaps? So unless his normal warm self.

Kristin says he's just being a daddy and protective of me. Huh. I'm like how old already, can? Tried to make a joke out of it, but only elicited dead silence.

And the last time I saw Kristin, I was with a different guy -_-'' We did laugh about that, albeit nervously.

So being me, I tried to over-compensate and started chattering away like a monkey. Didn't work either. Sigh.

Next time perhaps. Right, guys? There will be a next time????

Anyway, ZW is coming over to my house for a family dinner tomorrow. That should be fun. He's already met the parents, but in a "hi-i'm-taking-your-daughter-out-for-her-birthday" kinda meeting.

This time, however, will be the full works. Whole family present, seated around the family table, for a couple of hours at least, with hot soup (steamboat) between us.

I'm getting a bit nervous, quite honestly.

AND DEAR READERS (all 2 of you), YOU CAN'T STOP READING FROM THIS POINT ON COS I FEEL A GUSHFEST COMING ON AND YOU MIGHT SERIOUSLY BARF.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

It's been slightly more than 20 days since we officially got together. And I can only describe the feeling as... magical.

There's been surprisingly little awkwardness between us. Sure, I knew we have chemistry, but I didn't think things would fall into place this easily. Sometimes, it feels like he's been walking beside me forever.

He makes me incredibly happy because he's funny, and lame, and sweet and yet, so.... male.

There's this arrogance about him that's both frustrating and so charming. He always wants things his way, and yet, when he yields, it feels like my heart just melts a thousand times over.

He speaks a foreign language - Japanese - and even though I have no either what he's whispering in my ear.. it just sends a tingle down my spine.

And I'm sure you guys know I'm no delicate flower, and yet, I sometimes find myself feeling so utterly vulnerable and... feminine around him.

I love stroking his face. As much as it irks me that his skin is a billion times better than mine, I love having my own personal, warm satin blanket. Yup, that's how it feels when he wraps his arms around me.

Sure, it's not been all smooth sailing.. and there have been a couple of petty arguments and minor disagreements.

It's moments like these that I get a closer glimpse at the person ZW is. Sometimes, it scares me because what I think is a small thing can set him off big time.

And he would throw up this wall between us and refuse to look at me and start fiddling with his Blackberry.

Which sucks. And with a temper like mine, patience is most certainly not a virtue.

And I find myself caught between two options - to be coldly logical and ask him to snap out of it, or swallow some of that rush of anger and try to work things out.

Surprisingly, I've found myself choosing the latter. Maybe cos I'm using the one causing the misunderstanding.

I wonder how I would react when it's the other way around. Hmmm... or it must be lluurrrvvee. Haha..

Ok, I shall end here. Starting to ramble anyway. Huh, I write coherent angsty posts, but my thought process is less clear when I'm happy. Wonder what that says about me.

A Quarter of a Century (Super long, wordy entry cos the older I get, the more long-winded I become!)

Last year, I was furiously scheduling friends, family and boyfriend into a super-duper deluxe birthday week that saw me partying and eating from one end to the other.

Theme: fabulosity.

This year... recent upheavals in my life taught me how to appreciate quiet moments. So the birthday week was all about spending time with loved ones, with simply dinners and enjoying each other's company.

So it was penciling in and moving around friends, family and (new) boyfriend (hur hur, ok bad joke) to fit my schedule.

In fact, I think many outings weren't even celebrations, more like, it just happened around my birthday. -_-'''

Anyway, I'd take it. Good company, good food, good times.

Flew back from Hong Kong on the 19th. Enjoyed the birthday getaway with the mum, and the gluttony started early.

Attended the MediaCorp News Awards on Friday, got nominated for Young Journo of the Year but alas, lost to the print reporter (wasn't expecting to win anyway).

At least the buffet after the awards was good; had a little too much to drink and gulped down two glasses on an empty stomach (in my defense, I was thirsty), and a third just to get things on the way.

Headed off to Que Pasa with colleagues Gerrie and Jiamei for a night of good food (pizza and chicken wings that can cause an orgasm!!) and more wine (wheee.. another half a bottle!)

I blame the alcohol overload on sheer nervousness. Cos G & JM wanted to meet Zhao Wei. I practically badgered the poor boy to come meet us even though he had worked a really, really long day.

Let's just attribute the anxiety to the fact that JM was decidedly hostile; she never really approved of my actions. She was all set to grill him, and boy, she sure didn't hold back.

I'm proud to say that ZW held his ground and wasn't intimidated. At the end of the night, I'd even say JM thawed out a little. And I know G gave him the thumb's up.

Met half the KB gang on Saturday for dinner. Headed over the Gyu-Kaku at Chijmes and drowned ourselves in bbq meat. As Pei Wen put it, could feel our arteries clogging up.

And we washed it down with peanut butter chocolate shakes at Max Brenner. Seriously, right?

Sunday was a major outing. Cos ZW had planned a whole day of festivities. And he met the parents for the first time (boy, was that awkward).

I knew he had some major game up his sleeves, but boy, I sure wasn't expecting him to pull the rug out from under my feet.

He came bright and early to my door at 10.30am.. Carrying a major plastic bag with two items. I had asked for a framed photograph (cos he's a photog) to hang above my bed, so that was expected.

But he pulled out the other item first... a red breakfast table.

ZW explained that since I didn't have a proper table to work at, and was oftened hunched over my laptop while sitting on the bed, the table would be more comfy as I can lean back. And it's true, I'm using it to type this right now, while leaning back against my pillows.

Well, very thoughtful... but I was having a hard time expressing the appropriate feeling cos well.. it's a breakfast table (sorry baby!).

I wanted my real present! He then pulled out this framed photo of hearts. It's difficult to describe, and I wish I could post photos, but they're all in my handphone and I lost the transfer cable!

Anyway, it's a collage of 25 hearts to represent my age.. and it's so incredibly difficult to describe.. think pictures of... a heart made of nutella on a piece of bread.. or a chalk drawn heart on a black background..

Man, I'm doing a terrible job of describing the photos, and if you guys think it's incredibly cheesy.. screw you! The photos are damn nice!

We then headed out for lunch at Oriole at 313@ Somerset.. On the way there, ZW casually took my hand and commented that I didn't wear rings.

Cue flippant comment from me like "Oh, I have a whole collection of chunky rings, but I don't really like them anymore." He then pulled out a mid-sized ring from his bag.. of this incredibly cute red camera. But I'm sad to report that Mr Lin subsequent broke the ring while holding my hand. @_@

Lunch was good, followed by a movie.. Heard of Snow Prince? Neither had I. But the show was surprisingly good, the cinematography so sweeping that it nearly made me weep, and a tragic story line that really made me cry.

And then things took a little funny twist. We stepped out of the cinema, and spotted those UFO catcher machines. My eyes fell on this incredibly adorable Doraemon doll and I casually challenged ZW to win it for me. (Inside joke)

And he actually did. I was like, you mean people actually win? I even asked him if he rigged the whole thing.. HAHA

We then walked around a little.. which was apparently a diversion tactic cos I had early guessed our dinner location. He brought me to Morton's for steak.

I know. How extravagant, right? I had once mentioned that my fave food in the world was steak, and no one did steak like Morton's. And ZW remembered. Cue jaw dropping.

And Morton's is fabulous. They printed special menus with my name on it, and I was greeted by name by all the servers... Service was impeccable.

The man started ordering like no tomorrow.. think Alaskan King Crab legs, steak, asparagus, salad, chocolate cake...

Mid-way through, he turned to me and pulled out a little powder blue bag. Yes, a Tiffany bag.

At this point, I think I was just overwhelmed by all the gestures and effort that he put in and blurted out that I could not accept his gift.

He reassured me that it was definitely not a ring.. But still!!! I've known the dude for like what.. a month?? I'm not sure if I can articulate the feeling, but it just felt too much, too extravagant, and too soon.

All these grand gestures, that although were greatly appreciated.. also felt a little inappropriate. I'm a simple girl! And such things are reserved for what.. at least the 6-month mark?

Haha, anyway, let's just say the night took an uncomfortable turn that could have been disastrous because my attitude was obviously not what ZW was expecting.

But he's just amazing lah. His thought process? He just wanted to make me happy. And I was, I am.. just.. unsure of how to respond in such a situation.

After the little hiccup, we didn't know where to go as the weather was too darn hot, we were too darn full, and plonked ourselves on the couch outside Morton's.

ZW had a final surprise for me. At first, he was a little hesitant to pass me my final present, after my last violent reaction. But I had recovered and asked for it.

Knowing what a Glee fanatic I am, he pulled out a final gift - the soundtrack of the Glee Madonna episode.

The icing on the cake? ZW actually brought along a CD player just in case I wanted to listen to the CD on the spot. I actually dropped the CD in pure, unadulated shock.

So yeah.. that was my birthday eve celebration.

Anyway, rounded up the celebrations with an excellent Italian dinner with the family at Etna on actual birthday. Ate too much as usual. And still the mum insisted I drink a bottle of bird's nest. Tsk tsk.

All in all, another great birthday.