Friday, June 22, 2012

Change A-Coming

Something is stirring in the wind. Can't tell you what, as it may just be that - a passing breeze that will blow over.

But the thing about change is, it's bloody scary. Be it relationship, job, or even your favourite pair of shoes. Trying on something new can be terrifying simply for being unknown. And being someone who specialises in self-doubt, the usual questions are crowding my brain.

"What if it's worse?" "What if you fail?" "Why can't you just be happy and contented with what you have?"

Sure, some people revel in the unknown, call it exciting and look forward to a brand new experience. But that's when you're in control. When you know the outcome, when you can decide if the situation goes well or poorly. Like cooking. New recipes are fun to try out and if you fail, well try again.

But alas, life is not that case. You usually just get one shot to get things right, if not, see ya.

Adding to the confusion - when you don't know if you really want the new thing. I'm a highly indecisive person. Usually, I'm a let-the-wind-blow-and-see-where-it-takes-me kind of person. Until a strong enough gust comes along, I'm rarely the one to make a move. I sit, I wait, I look, I pine, I sulk, I ponder, but ultimately, I'm not the one to take the first step.

Unless I'm high and full of alcohol/stupidity/oh-what-the-heck confidence. Like when I dared ZW to kiss me 7 days after we first met, or to leave me alone and stop sending me mixed signals. Yes, I grabbed THAT bull by the horn.

Well, let's see if this latest development is a typhoon or merely a breeze that tickled my ankle.

Now back to regular programming.






Monday, June 18, 2012

Cookie Monster

Finally rolled up my sleeves and got down to some baking. I've had a tragically high failure rate with baking cookies. For some strange reason, I simply can't get it right. I'm not sure if it's the oven, the recipe, or the crazy Singapore weather.

The only cookies I've ever made successful was in Cheryl's Boston apartment. Which leads me to conclude that the halfass microwave oven and the sweltering weather are ingredients in a recipe for disaster.

Today's batch was... meh, alright I suppose. A tad too sweet. Make that two tads too sweet. And definitely needed more time in the oven. On the plus side, they were cookies! Trust me, they sure beat the cake-like monstrosities I've rolled over over the years.

I used the ice cream scoop technique. Worked like a charm. Unfortunately,  I think the cookies were a wee bit too big and since I didn't press them down, they came out really thick.

Fresh from the oven
 Thanks to the humidity in Singapore, I'm morbidly afraid of soggy cookies. My solution - air drying them with a fan.

Cookies and milk!
Of course I didn't bust out all that effort for 6 cookies. Taking a leaf from Nigella Lawson, I scooped out all the batter, and put them in the deep freeze for sweet treats whenever I need a little pick me up.



In case anyone is interested, here's the recipe. But I suggest going little on the sugar (like wayyyy lighter, cut the brown sugar in half in fact). And do chill the cookies for 30 minutes before baking to get a better consistency.

Oh, and don't eat too many. Those little monsters are 285 calories a pop. Gaahh.

Taken from AllRecipes, from cook ElizabethBH.

  • 2 cups all-purpose flour
  • 1/2 teaspoon baking soda
  • 1/2 teaspoon salt
  • 3/4 cup unsalted butter, melted
  • 1 cup packed brown sugar
  • 1/2 cup white sugar
  • 1 tablespoon vanilla extract
  • 1 egg
  • 1 egg yolk
  • 2 cups semisweet chocolate chips

Directions

  1. Preheat the oven to 325 degrees F (165 degrees C). Grease cookie sheets or line with parchment paper.
  2. Sift together the flour, baking soda and salt; set aside.
  3. In a medium bowl, cream together the melted butter, brown sugar and white sugar until well blended. Beat in the vanilla, egg, and egg yolk until light and creamy. Mix in the sifted ingredients until just blended. Stir in the chocolate chips by hand using a wooden spoon. Drop cookie dough 1/4 cup at a time onto the prepared cookie sheets. Cookies should be about 3 inches apart.
  4. Bake for 15 to 17 minutes in the preheated oven, or until the edges are lightly toasted. Cool on baking sheets for a few minutes before transferring to wire racks to cool completely.
 Recipe says it makes 18 large cookies. I had enough batter for 20.




Tuesday, May 08, 2012

Two Precious Years, An Ode To My Love

Today marks two precious years since ZW and I got together. It seems almost surreal, how quickly time flew by, the things we've experienced together, seeing the world together, and simply being together.

Actually, our anniversary date was decided upon quite arbitrarily. We had been seeing each other casually, I was in a state of indecision, some part of me even thought ZW might be a rebound fling. Short, passionate, intense but ultimately, fleeting. So it was almost unnatural when over the phone, he asked me to be his girlfriend (how shockingly old-fashion!) and I said "ok". And that was it, really.

Till today, I still shake my head in amazement at how we met and fell in love. Who would have thought that on a work trip to remote inland China, I would find love? That I would start talking to a fellow journo, someone who is passionate about life, photography, has a deep, soothing, sexy voice, is well-groomed and funny?

Ah hell, after a few days of spending time together on long bus rides, talking, laughing, creating our own world,  I found the fella irresistibly sexy. Throw in that camera of his, and I was hooked.  


Taken by a Chinese photographer. Still an amazing shot till today.
The first few months were a whirlwind. Somehow, we managed to squeeze in 2 mega birthday celebrations and 2 vacations in the first 6 months.

It's hard to describe what makes us tick. On paper, we're poles apart. We share very few common interests and that has been an issue on a few occasions. Our music tastes, our hobbies and even outlook on life can be very different.

Yet with each passing month, I found myself more and more in love with him. Like a giggly school girl, I wanted to spend more time with him than was possible given our schedules, I tried to show more interest in photography (think I'll stick to being the subject!) and even tried my hand at learning Japanese (still struggling with my ABC's).

I would like to think I've also contributed to expanding his outlook on life, gaining a greater appreciation for fine food, making him laugh, teaching him to to take things easier, and handling life's challenges with more humour and grace as and when they come.

Surrounded by a field of dandelions in Aomori.
By the end of the first year, we briefly spoke about marriage, but nothing serious. ZW expressed reservations over settling down, and while the relationship was serious, he didn't want to be tied down, to possibly lose the freedom to choose whatever path he wanted.

That discussion made me sad, but I knew it wasn't time to push it. Besides, if it was meant to be, it would be.

And three weeks ago, he turned my world upside down again.

HE PROPOSED TO ME.

He had given no indication, or perhaps I was simply oblivious. But somehow, he managed to buy a ring, and plotted with my friends to propose to me while we were overseas.

I may not have cried during the proposal, but trust me when I say my heart went into overdrive. Knowing that he put aside his reservations over marriage, his dreams of taking on the world solo, made me realise just what a precious gift he's been to me.


Honestly, I still can't believe we're engaged. I find myself staring at his face a lot more these days, wondering how we got here. The future may be a murky haze, and I'm fretting over the costs of our wedding and housing options.

But it just takes a reassuring smile from ZW, and his firm grip on my hand, and I know that everything's going to be just fine.



Monday, February 27, 2012

Mortality

The question of mortality cropped up unexpectedly in the car one afternoon. I was on my way to work, and the parents had kindly agreed to send me.

We were casually chatting about older workers in Singapore, and my dad pointed out that older workers who cross 62 years old face a major paycut - as much as 30%. That's the retirement age in Singapore, or as the government likes to call it, the re-employment age. Because most people don't retire at 62. They continue working. And with the new laws, the company has to offer its employee a job, should the employee be in the same health and mental condition.

Here's the catch - while the employer is legally obligated to offer re-employment, he doesn't have to do so on the same terms. So usually, employees face a huge pay cut. Simply for turning a year old, regardless of the fact that they are still doing the same job, the same hours, the same expectations.

And if the employee is unhappy, well, there are many younger people waiting for the job. And the company has done its legal obligation of offering a job.

Anyway, that wasn't the real point of this post. Just a minor rant.

What made the conversation really interesting was my mum musing that because of such factors, it is therefore better not to live so long, so you won't need as much money, you won't become sickly, or worse, a burden to your children.

Yes, my mum believes that a good age to die is 78 or 79. Still healthy, and not a burden, and lived a long enough life to enjoy it, being some of her reasons. She says she will pray for death with the time comes.

My dad sagely pointed out that while my fairly youthful mum can be cavelier about death now, the older a person gets, the more the person doesn't want to die.

It's one thing to imagine snuffing out the candle. But when the wick starts to burn out, the desire for the flame to stay alive becomes even stronger.

I'm not sure what to think. At 27, I'm fairly young I suppose. Death is still a somewhat vague concept. I've only had one close kin pass away (my maternal grandma). The only other funerals I've attended were my friends' relatives, and for work (which is another weird experience cos I essential throw up a wall and try not to imagine someone's pain while probing for intimate details).

But is my mum onto something? Dying at one's somewhat peak, rather than a painful withering process? Sure, she pointed out, there are those lucky few who pass away in their sleep, having died of old age and not had to experience the agony of a disease, or failing organs, or pain. But on the whole, most old people face some sort of disease and the longer you drag it out, the more painful it gets.

So is it so wrong to wish to die? And be at peace with it?

I just think it's very morbid.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

A ghost of my former self

Happy Chinese New Year!

I know, such a big difference between my post title and my chirpy first line. I forgive you if you think I'm schizophrenic. Frankly, I'm starting to think I am.

I'm in a slump, a funk that I'm trying to dig myself out of. But it feels so difficult. So difficult. The lure of simply sinking and never finding the surface sounds almost too tempting.

I'm being melodramatic of course. The worse thing that could happen is that I continue coasting through life, failing to find the lust and drive that I once craved and exuded.

Work is... not great. I find it hard to find motivation to even get there on time every day. I look at my work and feel it's insipid, boring, lacking in writing and... conviction. A ghost. A shell. Simply existing and creating for the sake of it.

I've tried throwing myself into my personal life. I barely have time as it is to fit in family, boyfriend, friends, while planning for mad vacations, one after another. But then I find myself sitting at my desk, wondering what the hell I'm doing there.

The boyfriend tells me to quit. That it's eating my soul and being miserable simply isn't worth it. My mum said she'd feed me. The boyfriend said he'd give me an allowance. I have some savings. Probably could live like a hobo for a year even.

Problem is - I'm afraid. I simply wasn't brought up that way. To lead a life of idle. To leech off my parents  (more than I am at the moment, anyway). To be financially crippled. To weigh every purchase against a depleting account. To know that I don't even have the excuse of being a student to explain my lack of job.

I simply can't.

And the other problem is, I don't know what I want to do. A second career. Yes, I fell into this job. And for better or worse,  I'm adequate at it. If I can just control my temper, control my dreams, control my wanderlust, I can probably survive. But therein lies the problem I guess. It's getting harder to bite my tongue and resist the urge to flip the bird and walk out.

And then where would I go? I honestly believe that I have learnt very little in my current job that would serve me well in the real corporate world. For some reason, I feel that I've existed in a bubble for the last 4 years and if I force myself to wake up, I would find that I actually have no market value, no skills that will enable me to survive the real world.

Depressing. And that knowledge fills me with rage, with self-pity, with fear that I've become a coward. Fearful of change because what if I can't adapt? And that fear makes me angry and sad.

What a sad, vicious cycle indeed.

Oh, and does anyone want to employ me? I'm open to crazy ideas. Haha.