Melancholy

Now that some of the initial high of a new relationship has worn off... the hormones have calmed down and the giggly fits have subsided... it feels like my mind is trying to sabotage me.

Woke up in a start this morning, heart pounding. Wished I didn't dream the things I did.

At times, the memories and thoughts of what I've done will creep in, forcing me to confront myself.

I wonder if I'd ever find peace.

The temptation to check on F.. to ask for forgiveness.. is sometimes overwhelming. But I know I can't. And more importantly, I don't deserve it.

Li Wern talks about karma. Of consequences. I wonder if in the end, I may just create a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Because everytime I fall into this rut, I push ZW further away. And it's unfair to him.

I wish I can curl up in his arms all the time and not have to think. Because that's the only time I feel safe and not haunted by my own demons.

This is not something that he can help me with. Except be patient and understanding. I just pray he has both, and thinks I'm worth the effort.