Conniving Men

I think many people have the misconception that I'm some bra-burning, man-hating feminist. Truly, I'm not. Yes, I may stand up for certain injustices, but I'm a modern feminist and believe that there really is such a thing as equality. Yes, I may make bitchy comments about men and sometimes make jokes at their expense, but at the end of the day, I'm all for men. I'm in love with one, love looking at them, love partying and dancing and flirting and talking to them. So you see, I'm not so bad.

But then again, there are those whom I truly despise. Men who are conniving, manipulative and basically take advantage of my niceness. Just because I'm more naive and trusting, they see it as an opportunity to use me as they see fit, before tossing me aside once I've lost my value to them.

It happened with A last semester. He cajoled me into believing that we were forming a friendship; having conversations, sharing our feelings, and all that bullshit. But after a while, I derived a pattern in all our conversations: he was either asking about my grades, talking about tests and exams, comparing advice on which courses to take, etc, etc, etc. Now that we are in different classes, he can't even be bothered to talk to me anymore. Just the other day, I saw him at the library. He acted as if he saw right through me and just walked pass without a single word exchanged. Bastard.

And the same thing is happening with S. He, on the other hand, is more skilled at molding the conversation to his needs. He would start off nicely enough, asking the precursor questions like "how are you?" and "how's life?", but that's just the preamble. He would then jump in and ask for the information he truly needs. Just last night, the conversation occurred like this. We were talking, and I thought he truly cared about my well-being. But then he asked "the question". I didn't have the answer. Having lost my value to him, he quickly told me that he had to go and left the conversation. But his msn was still on. I was close to throttling him.

Fuck it lah, am I some easy target to these assholes? What happened to just talking because you wanted to have a conversation with a friend? When did choosing friends and forming friendships become based on a person's perceived value? I feel so utterly disappointed in these people. At least with some guys, they are outright about their motives. It's just business. Fine, I can totally handle that. But if that's all you want, information, why do the sneaky thing and beat around the bush? Why lull me into this sense of "intimacy" only to cast me aside once you are done?

I feel so cynical about friendships now. Whenever somebody gets friendly with me, my first thought is, "What is his motive? Business or friendship?" How is one supposed to live life with such pessimism and suspicion? Seriously, it's bad for the soul.

Maybe being a stereotypical feminist isn't so bad after all.