Heartache

Wah lao, another disappointing training session. It was so farcical, I might as well have not played. I seem to be playing worse and worse each week, and I think the coach has given up on me. It's like, ok, she's here to make up the numbers. When the better player turns up, she can go pick the balls.

Fuck it.

And my stupid team mate refused to pass me the ball. It's like I'm some blithing idiot and I'd just screw everything up. Whatever. So I threw a temper in my own fashion. After training was over, I took a ball and whacked it over and over again at the wall. *Chuckles* The guys who were training on the court were rather alarmed at my angst. In fact, my captain had to come over and talk to me. Of course I said that I was pissed off at my own ineptitude, and not at my team mate. Even though everyone could see that she was not giving me the ball. I was thinking, Shit, I'm going to hell for lying, but at that moment, I just didn't give a fuck.

Sigh, and I totally need new shoes if I want to stop humiliating myself. My ancient, secondary-school ones have totally lost traction and at one point, when I jumped to spike the ball, I landed off-balance, slipped and hit my head against the floor.

Sigh.

An all-around shitty day. I got locked out of the locker and had to wait 1/2 hour to get my stuff.

The only few perks that I can conceivably smile about was the experience of sticking my head between my team mate's legs. Before you think of anything obscene, we were carrying each other on our shoulders and doing half-squats as a strengthening exercise. It was a kick being carried by my bony team mate.

And of course, my darling Fadz is back! No matter how much I whine, no matter what melancholic mood I am in, he will always find a way to tease me out of it. He would listen and laugh at my silliness and get me to snap out of the "mood" I'm in, and the security he provides is such a great peace of mind. Exhuasted after watching a late-night movie, as I lay on his chest and drifted off to sleep on the train, I felt so reassured, so calm. Like, no matter how bad times may be, no matter how pertulent and angsty I may be, this man will always be here for me.

Amen to that.