Love, Life and Everything In Between

The first week of school has been... trying, to say the least. In between getting the ol' rusty brain to function (oh, wretched holidays, you have spoilt me!), getting the ol' limbs to move for volleyball, squeezing in time for ol' Fadz, and of course, hanging out with my fave girl of all time (personal time, duh!), I'm quite, quite exhausted. I'm sensing a theme here... how everything is aging and not measuring up to expectations.

Speaking of Fadz, we kinda had this talk the other night. I think whenever you're in a long-term relationship, new changes can bring about old insecurities. No matter how happy you may be at a particular point in a relationship, a single external factor can drudge up things you'd rather not think about. Or perhaps the problem never went away, but was suppressed by wishful thinking. I sure hope not; it's too depressing that way.

Anyway, I pigeon-holed Fadz into discussing our options. Now, I must make clear that I'm very, very serious about Fadz and frankly, marriage has never been out of the question. Just not now. However, I was in one of my "thoughtful moods" that night and started quizzing Fadz about why he's so damn sure I'm THE ONE for him. Of course, I'm not talking about throwing me over his shoulder at this moment and rushing off to ROM, but rather, how he knew that he was contented with me. For the rest of his life.

To put things in a 3rd-person perspective so that I can naively distance my emotional commitment, let's use the example of a fish-eater at a fish market. Now, let's say Fadz is a fish-eater and I'm unagi (eel, baby! Yums!) This fish-eater has previously dabbled with different types of fish, nothing serious. But when he bit into the unagi, he knew it was true love. Ever since then, he's been committed to unagi, resisting any temptations from other coy, flashy fishes. So my question is, how does he know that he's gonna be an unagi-eater for the rest of his life? Wouldn't he get bored of the taste? What happens when a red snapper turns up at the market one day, flicks her shiny tail, and beckons him to buy her? What happens then? Would the fish-eater resist the temptation but go on thinking about that red snapper, in which case, would it be better for the unagi to just turn to another fish-eater?

You see, I never thought that NS would be the hurdle for us. Hey, I knew he wasn't about the turn gay and as for myself, harmless flirtations but nothing serious. But now, he's exposed to women. Every.Single.Day. What if there's someone out there who's better suited for him? What if we no longer have time for each other and simply drift apart? What if, what if, what if. I think self-doubt is driving me crazy.

On my part, I can't help feeling restless sometimes. Or simply itchy for something new. To imagine that I'd never know another person's touch, another person's love, to sample the initial courtship ever again can be quite intimidating. So that night, I started throwing ludicrous questions at Fadz like "What would you do if I slept with someone?" or "What happens if I develop feelings for someone else?" Things like that. On one hand, I was trying to test his limits and commitment, on the other hand, I was trying to get him to discuss our options at this very moment. You know, the issue about exclusivity. I know that's very childish but the issue of exclusivity stems from the fear of possible loneliness if things don't work out. I mean, a woman needs to know that she's still desirable and "marketable" and being in a long-term relationship can sometimes make you doubt that. Cos even interested men stay away. I'm practically "sold goods". So it's incredibly scary to imagine that one day, if I'm put back on the shelf, I may not find a buyer. I know I know, I've probably set back feminism by a gazillion years, but seriously, which woman doesn't fear that (All you gorgeous brats be damned, I know my limits and doubts kinda come with the package)?

So many fears and questions jumbled together... I can't even put them in cohesive paragraphs. But that's how my brain works. It's all pure joy or mind-numbing doubt. It's a mess in there. I'm kinda extreme in that way.

Fadz simply replied that he knew he'd never cheat on me. He knows what kind of person he is and being unfaithful was out of the question. He can't gaurantee the future, as in whether we'd drift apart, stop loving each other. But he knows that he'd love me for as long as he can. We definitely can't predict what happens 10 years, or even 1 year down the road, and who knows, perhaps eventually we'd go our separate ways. But for now, he's mine and I'm his and that's all that matters.

I'm definitely not ready to settle down (even though Fadz described me as homely!!!! %#^@&^#@ I'll show him homely! Kristin, we are so gonna have a wild night this Thursday!!!), but you know what? Self-doubt be damned. I'll worry about the future later and I KNOW what we have now is special. So no matter what, I'm gonna make it count and stop trying to find cracks. I'd rather remember this as a beautiful period in my life than golden years lost to a relationship that went no where.

And you know what? If Singaporean men can't appreciate me, I'll go some place where the men do. The world is my playground, baby!