Wow, we almost broke up.

Seems like the mud-slinging was only the tip of the ice berg and we had stored up so much bile that it was poisoning our relationship. It just all came out at one go. Ignorance or was I simply ignoring all the warning signs this past year?

I didn't realize my body was capable of enduring so much pain without falling apart. Everything he said was like a barb to my heart, stabbing and stabbing and stabbing. I didn't realize I was capable of so many tears. Haha, I think a lot of people must have been shocked out of their life seeing this blubbering woman at Commonwealth station, with a stony-faced Malay at her side.

Couldn't say that I didn't see it coming, though. I think we simply stopped exploring and trying when Fadz entered the army, simply willing things be better if we imagined that nothing was wrong.

Wrong, wrong, wrong.

He had stopped loving me. It was a deliberate move on his part to cut off his heart from me. I knew that somewhere in there he loved me still, but he had somehow managed to remove himself from me and keep an emotional distance that I couldn't cross.

At the end of the day, I was so tired of fighting and feeling hurt that I was ready to throw in the towel. I seriously considered ending things there and then and even gave him back the ring he had given me so many years ago. It was simply the limit.

But he changed his mind. I dunno what happened, maybe it was the tears (I hope not), the pouring out of my heart, some vague past memory, some hidden love, but he refused to let go.

I would never want to be in a relationship where my partner didn't love me wholeheartedly. I didn't want him to feel obligated, or that he was doing the right thing. I would rather he break my heart completely once and for all, than to cheat on me by not loving me. Because that is a betrayal far worse.

So we're trying again. I'm fighting for him to love me and trust me again. I know he is the one for me and I can't imagine life without him. I just need him to realize that I'm THE ONE for him too. I just hope I'm strong enough. I love him, I love him so much despite my constant nit-picking. But I'm not strong enough to keep loving someone who can't reciprocate. They say love is painful. Hell yeah.

Should I just find someone who can't hurt me this much?