Reflection

It seems like the neverending rain is causing me to be a little melancholic and reflective. Or maybe it's just the end of the year. Whatever the case, it does seem appropriate to reflect on the past year as we are about to usher in 2007.

I always imagined that my 21st year of existence would be memorable, but I didn't think that it would be such a great mixture of wonder, elation, bitterness and heartache. And perhaps a dash of weariness for extra measure. At times, it seems like the weight on my shoulders can be so terribly, terribly heavy to bear and I can either take a deep breath and carry that burden or just collapse from sheer exhuastion. Not great options, don't you think?

This year was marked by traveling and the feeling of true independence. I would never, ever forget my Vietnam backpacking trip. In a way, I felt a little more grown up, a little more worldly; being pulled away from the comfort of luxury hotels and being pushed into situations out of my comfort zone - non-English speaking natives, bare necessities, navigating a foreign land and living 24/7 with my boyfriend. The Taiwan trip was fun too, but that was more of a shopping thing. But the Vietnam trip.. now that was living.

But this year was also marred by a lot of emotional strain and heartache. Fadzli is such a big part of my life that sometimes I really wonder what it would be like to live life without him. 4 1/2 years. That's like 1/5 of my life spent with him in it. To laugh, cry, shout, fall in love, and go on a crazy rollercoaster ride with that one person. I do think about my dependency, I do fear that I'm losing my identity as a solo person, but at the same time, I delight in knowing that I love and am loved. If only there wasn't so much bitterness to sieve through.

People always say that NS is the toughest time a couple has to go through. But I disagree. To me, those 2 years felt more like a honeymoon. On hindsight, it felt like we tried to make ourselves perfect to each other and minimize any abrasive actions because our time spent together was so short. We held our tongues, our temper, kept emotions in check and because we only saw each other during the weekends, any unhappy thoughts could be ironed out during the week and we could cool down before we said anything stupid or hurtful. But ever since Fadz entered university, it seems like he has become a new person. And I know that people are always constantly changing, but I sometimes feel like we are moving in completely different directions. And I fear that we are holding each other back because of distant memories of good feeling. And as we make the transition from teens to adults, do we still have a place for each other in our lives? I certainly hope so, but I think back on all the dreams and promises we made to each other, and all I can think about is getting from one day to another. Long term planning is for the idealistic and perhaps I've grown a little too jaded for that.

3 near breakups in 3 months. The intensity was driving me crazy. To live in constant doubt and pain for those 3 fucking months. I felt messed up; I felt drained. I felt like I'd aged 10 years. Like optimism and hope was sucked out of me. It came to the point when I was so DAMN SURE that NOTHING could be worse than this and perhaps a complete, clean separation was the answer. To be alone. To not be hurt another. To not be affected by another person's actions and words and be only answerable to myself. To be selfish and take care of my incredibly fragile heart and refuse to let anyone near me.

But in the end, I couldn't do it. To keep yourself safe from pain is to prevent yourself from experiencing the full joy of being loved. Because when you close yourself to pain, you also prevent anyone from getting close enough to you. So I guess, the stubborn me wants to be loved to badly that I just have to risk being hurt. Yes, Fadz may hurt me over and over again by his lack of sensitivity and sometimes sheer stupidity. But is that enough to make me give up the man who makes me laugh, who makes me cry; who makes me want to beat my fist against his chest and collapse in his arms; who kisses me and makes me feel weak with butterflies. Someone whom I can talk to for hours and not get sick; who remembers the smallest details and surprises me.

No, I'm not that brave. Or rather, not that jaded. I suppose all I can say is, bring it on. Walk through fire and hell to be proven worthy. Even if it comes to an end, at least I know I tried. And I was loved.

And as for school, I'm tired of it. The pleasure and delight that I felt when I first entered SMU has diminished. The spark that kept my enthusiasm has died. For the first time in my entire career at SMU, I'm dreadfully affected by things like projects, GPAs and exams. I despise that I can't do better, I'm horrified by my lack of commitment, I despair when I lack understanding.. it's just all too much. The comparing, the arguing, the competition... it's all a rat race, and it seems like that's all I have to look forward to in the corporate world. Great.

2006, you've been... interesting. 2007, what secrets do you hold?