Friday, December 29, 2006

I Heart Christmas

Despite Fadz trying to put a damper on my parade by reminding me that Christmas is (a): a pointless religious festival because Jesus Christ was NOT born on December 25 (b): it has become too commercialized and (c): too many damn people squeezing in Orchard Road doing God knows what (usually just sitting around and stoning), I refused to be let down and kept the festive spirit.

I simply adore Christmas. Ok, so I'm one of those people who try to celebrate every holiday - English New Year, Chinese New Year, Mother's Day, Father's Day, Children's Day, Teacher's Day (used to, anyway), Deepavali (until Rajeeve upped and went to bloody England), Hari Raya Puasa, Christmas and Hari Raya Haji. Yes, as you can see, I'm not very discriminating. Ahh, the benefits of being atheist. I do it for the people, for the people I say.

But I really love Christmas despite it having become a frenzy of shopping for gifts and whatnot. I love the holiday for the happy feelings (usually) invoked by knowing that it's the holidays, it's bonus time, people are happy and chilled out. I have wonderful meals with the people I love, receive presents that are thoughtful and labor to find the perfect gift for my loved ones. Seriously, what's not to like about the holiday?

So I spent Christmas Eve with the Fadz man. We do it every year. It's our thing. So even though he was incredibly grumpy and mean and Scrooge-like, I finally cracked through his thick skull that I really want to remember Christmas as a good one and he gave up being sullen. In fact, he was downright positive and cheery. Jolly good chappy.

We decided to go to this Lebanese restaurant at Holland V, Al-Hamza, for our Christmas dinner. Let me just say that I'm deeply sorry that I ate lamb chops. In case you didn't know, I'm the leader of a new religion, Pro-Lambology. No, not pro in the sense that I practice eating them. But rather, because lambs are so fluffy and adorable, I have taken it upon myself to never eat lamb. So far the religion's total following is 1. Oh well, I'm sure it'd catch on. But yeah, I broke the number rule and ate lamb. Whoops.

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I love the decor of the place. As expected, the patronage was mostly ang moh families, ang mohs with Asian girlfriends, or ang mohs with Asian wife/girlfriend and Asian family members in tow.

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I loved the falafels! Amazing fried chickpea thingamajigs. Definitely a must try. The lamb was pretty good, but the other reason for me not eating lamb is because I think it tastes funny. Oh well. It was pretty good, but seriously, I don't find it as a great loss not to eat lamb.

We then took a slow bus ride to Esplanade, careful to avoid Orchard. Our bus did pass through Orchard, and can I just say it was utter chaos. Not as bad as last year, with the stupid idiots spraying foam everywhere, but the human crush was appalling. Esplanade was crowded, but in a pleasant, hey, there are people around.

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We are such gluttons. Even after eating a full meal at Al-Hamza and finished off a plate of diabetic but amazing Lebanese desserts, we still had room for more. A new shop at Esplanade has opened, Earshot, and it's a pretty cool concept. The food is not bad, a new chillout joint.

After that, cos I wanted to count down in town, we walked around aimlessly to pass time. At midnight, we were standing in the middle of the Padang, all alone, and shared a Christmas kiss. Yup, quite quite perfect.

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Merry Christmas, baby. Hope to do it again next year. =)

Christmas was spent with the folks. After the opening of presents (whoopee!), my mum made us play mahjong (humpf, lose money again). Of course the highlight of the day was Christmas dinner at the Fullerton Hotel. The service was impeccable. The food brought tears to my eyes. And I overate, but it was for a worthy cause. And I love my dress!

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Hope you guys had a good one too!

Saturday, December 23, 2006

Talk To Me
*pout* see lah, never talk to me on my tagboard, and it keeps getting deleted cos it thinks that no one is using it.

I know you're out there, reading this silently. So tag me.

Bah.

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Reflection
It seems like the neverending rain is causing me to be a little melancholic and reflective. Or maybe it's just the end of the year. Whatever the case, it does seem appropriate to reflect on the past year as we are about to usher in 2007.

I always imagined that my 21st year of existence would be memorable, but I didn't think that it would be such a great mixture of wonder, elation, bitterness and heartache. And perhaps a dash of weariness for extra measure. At times, it seems like the weight on my shoulders can be so terribly, terribly heavy to bear and I can either take a deep breath and carry that burden or just collapse from sheer exhuastion. Not great options, don't you think?

This year was marked by traveling and the feeling of true independence. I would never, ever forget my Vietnam backpacking trip. In a way, I felt a little more grown up, a little more worldly; being pulled away from the comfort of luxury hotels and being pushed into situations out of my comfort zone - non-English speaking natives, bare necessities, navigating a foreign land and living 24/7 with my boyfriend. The Taiwan trip was fun too, but that was more of a shopping thing. But the Vietnam trip.. now that was living.

But this year was also marred by a lot of emotional strain and heartache. Fadzli is such a big part of my life that sometimes I really wonder what it would be like to live life without him. 4 1/2 years. That's like 1/5 of my life spent with him in it. To laugh, cry, shout, fall in love, and go on a crazy rollercoaster ride with that one person. I do think about my dependency, I do fear that I'm losing my identity as a solo person, but at the same time, I delight in knowing that I love and am loved. If only there wasn't so much bitterness to sieve through.

People always say that NS is the toughest time a couple has to go through. But I disagree. To me, those 2 years felt more like a honeymoon. On hindsight, it felt like we tried to make ourselves perfect to each other and minimize any abrasive actions because our time spent together was so short. We held our tongues, our temper, kept emotions in check and because we only saw each other during the weekends, any unhappy thoughts could be ironed out during the week and we could cool down before we said anything stupid or hurtful. But ever since Fadz entered university, it seems like he has become a new person. And I know that people are always constantly changing, but I sometimes feel like we are moving in completely different directions. And I fear that we are holding each other back because of distant memories of good feeling. And as we make the transition from teens to adults, do we still have a place for each other in our lives? I certainly hope so, but I think back on all the dreams and promises we made to each other, and all I can think about is getting from one day to another. Long term planning is for the idealistic and perhaps I've grown a little too jaded for that.

3 near breakups in 3 months. The intensity was driving me crazy. To live in constant doubt and pain for those 3 fucking months. I felt messed up; I felt drained. I felt like I'd aged 10 years. Like optimism and hope was sucked out of me. It came to the point when I was so DAMN SURE that NOTHING could be worse than this and perhaps a complete, clean separation was the answer. To be alone. To not be hurt another. To not be affected by another person's actions and words and be only answerable to myself. To be selfish and take care of my incredibly fragile heart and refuse to let anyone near me.

But in the end, I couldn't do it. To keep yourself safe from pain is to prevent yourself from experiencing the full joy of being loved. Because when you close yourself to pain, you also prevent anyone from getting close enough to you. So I guess, the stubborn me wants to be loved to badly that I just have to risk being hurt. Yes, Fadz may hurt me over and over again by his lack of sensitivity and sometimes sheer stupidity. But is that enough to make me give up the man who makes me laugh, who makes me cry; who makes me want to beat my fist against his chest and collapse in his arms; who kisses me and makes me feel weak with butterflies. Someone whom I can talk to for hours and not get sick; who remembers the smallest details and surprises me.

No, I'm not that brave. Or rather, not that jaded. I suppose all I can say is, bring it on. Walk through fire and hell to be proven worthy. Even if it comes to an end, at least I know I tried. And I was loved.

And as for school, I'm tired of it. The pleasure and delight that I felt when I first entered SMU has diminished. The spark that kept my enthusiasm has died. For the first time in my entire career at SMU, I'm dreadfully affected by things like projects, GPAs and exams. I despise that I can't do better, I'm horrified by my lack of commitment, I despair when I lack understanding.. it's just all too much. The comparing, the arguing, the competition... it's all a rat race, and it seems like that's all I have to look forward to in the corporate world. Great.

2006, you've been... interesting. 2007, what secrets do you hold?

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Post Exam

Haven't really blogged in a while. In case you were wondering, yeah, last post was about Fadz. Yeah, we fought. Yeah, these past few months have been very, very, difficult and we're trying to work it through. Thanks for all the concern! =) We're ok now, trying to be more understanding towards each other and all. But I still say men are stupid creatures. Hur hur hur...

Anyway, just because my love life is not going great, doesn't mean I can't enjoy my friends!

The last day of the exams ended on a Saturday and without wasting much time, I was off having fun with fellow SMU-ers (eh KB, when are we getting together???). Ate too much and overdosed on alcohol and mahjong. 'Nuff said.

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FYI, the guy is Jerry, Sylvia and Kristin's poly friend. I think he's quite cute, in a tiny squirrel kinda way. And he's single! And peels prawns for all the girls! How's that for a gentleman?

Ate 麻辣火锅 at Bugis, before scooting off to EskiBar at Holland V for some drinks. The freezer room is... COLD. And I walked in without a jacket cos I thought it'd be funny. Not funny. I felt my insides freeze up. And finally, we retired to my house for an all-nighter of mahjong. Lasted till 6am, before they dragged their bones home. Haha, we played for alcohol instead of money. Yes, such alcoholics, right?

Apparently, that wasn't enough mahjong because exactly one week later, we found ourselves playing mahjong again at my house. Except we switched guy. See, men are so disposable. Haha.. kidding Shawn! You know we love you for all your Ah Pek glory!

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Told you he looked like an Ah Pek.

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I think I was falling asleep.

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Aiyah, pose for what? Supposed to be candid, can!

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Yeah, mahjong!

I was a bit embarrassed though, cos I "ate" all 3 of them.

At 5.30am, our stomachs expired and we hopped over to MacDonald's for a lovely breakfast.

Ah, holidays, a time for debauchery and fun.

And I'm bored already. Gaahh.

Monday, December 04, 2006

Trust
Trust is such a funny little thing. It is bandied around casually, but when it comes down to the crunch, it may sometimes prove to be the deciding factor.

I believe a strong relationship is built on the foundation of 2 things: trust and great sex. Kidding, kidding lah! Don't have a heart attack on me, grandpa! Trust and respect. That's what I really meant. Seriously.

Trust can make you stand up against the world when they are against you, casting a disapproving eye, shaking their heads in disbelief, but when you trust that your other half will be there, you can really conquer anything.

But such a priceless trait is incredible fragile. Break or shatter that trust, and the whole building (foundation, building, geddit?) can come crashing down upon you. Pity there isn't a clean up crew or contractors to rebuilt it for you. You simply have to pick up brick by brick, laying the cement. Oh, don't forget the water proofing. Otherwise, it would be a shoddy patch up job and the building is still vulnerable to attack.

So should I trust my brain or my heart? Neither, they're both equally fucked up. The brain thinks in a logical, sinisterly cold manner that is devoid of all feeling. The heart, however, is all touchy-feely and has nary a logical thought. So when hit with crisis, the brain, in a very logical manner, would seek to protect the heart, a vital organ, from further injury by disengaging from combat. Either that, or batter the opponent to emerge victorious.

The heart, however, would be screaming at the brain to have some warmth and trust in feelings and intuition.

Why can't they meet somewhere?

But I think the scariest outcome is when the heart goes cold too. Stops feeling. Stops believing. Stops hoping. All the blood being pumped into the brain so that it can logically work out the next step. To do that, you need to think that there's no more pain, no further pain... only salvation in the blissful arms of numbness.

So should I be safe from all harm and be numb, or jump into the abyss of doubt and fear, hoping that the outcome would outweigh all troubles?

Don't complain about all the metaphors that I'm using. I have never met a fur I didn't like. Hiak hiak.
It's inappropriate, and severely lacking in respect for me.

When you are in a relationship, you think about how your actions affect your partner too; you do not make decisions based on your own gratification with nary a thought for me. When you start acting and behaving like a single, it becomes reality.

You've made the decisions, now live with the consequences.