Goodbye

We broke up.

I guess it was a long time coming. I suppose in some sense I was still trying to believe that it wasn't the end. You don't spend 5 years with a person and think it's over just like that, you know?

I hated being so clingy. Things pretty much disintegrated on Sunday, but I couldn't believe it. I just couldn't. And I couldn't forgive myself if I didn't at least try. So I held on. I asked him to reconsider. We talked and talked and talked and made ourselves believe that it could work out, just this one more time.

But we were merely bluffing ourselves. Or maybe, it was just me. He was so final. He was so calm and composed, so clinical in the manner he finished things. I wouldn't say I was dumped because at some level, I agreed with him. Things simply weren't working out. We are who we are, and we kept making excuses and compromises. In the end, things don't change. People don't change. And we weren't happy. I was merely flogging a dead horse.

And so we're done. It's surprisingly easy how fast you can wipe away traces of a relationship. Change a couple of details on Friendster and Facebook, delete away the messages and pictures, change passwords. Electronically, everything was so easy to wipe out. 5 years, and it came down to that. He too. He changed everything almost immediately. Like it was so simple to erase me away.

I was so pathetic. I kept pushing and squeezing, trying to find even just ONE spark of hope left. Just one bit. But there was none. He stopped loving me. He thought he could try to love me again, but he was just lying to himself. He said I expected too much of him. In my defence, he kept up a false bravado even in front of me. He said it was to please me. But that meant I never really understood him. Or maybe I was trying to mold my toad into my Prince Charming.

The fairy tale has ended. To think we used to plan our future together. I guess our teenage relationship couldn't survive adulthood, not without communication. We didn't communicate, simple as that. And when you start not seeing someone for a projected period of time, when you don't talk or interact for days on end, and when you do meet, it is kinda meaningless, I suppose it's inevitable that we ended up like that.

I should have seen it coming. So this is it. And yeah, we've broken up in the past before, but not because we had stopped loving each other, so we somehow always got back together. But this time, this time it's final. There's no more turning around. There's no more miracle, or light at the end of this incredibly dark tunnel. It's finished.

He's relieved, dammit. He's relieved that he can finally be who he really is. Ordinary. He said I kept pushing for him to be something he was not. Yeah, I expected him to be special, because I believed he could. My expectations were TOO MUCH.

Perhaps I was merely pretending that I could mold him to my liking. But I guess that's not how you treat a person right? And in the last few conversations, I realized that I was never truly satisfied with him. That we were both selfish. That I never compromised. So many regrets. But all a little too late. The revelations revealed themselves only at the end, when the smoke and mirrors had dissipated.

Nothing. Nothing left at all.

I lost my boyfriend and my best friend. But I don't think we can be friends, not soon anyway. Maybe it's time I enjoyed singlehood again, huh? 5 years. 5 years of my life. And a fresh beginning.

To anyone reading this, I'm still kinda raw. So if I don't smile as quickly as I used to, or joke as I used to, I hope you understand. It hurts.

Goodbye Fadzli. Thanks for everything. I didn't think it would end like this.