It was so difficult being strong. And so I wrote a letter to him, pouring my heart out to him. I put my last ounce of hope and optimism for US in that letter. I wrote it yesterday early morning and was still writing when I had to leave for school to take a Corp. Reporting test. So I zipped down to his place in a cab to pass him the letter. Just looking at him, so peaceful in sleep, squeezed my heart tremendously. And I left before he was fully conscious of what was happening.

No bets on how I did on the test.

And for the rest of the day, I kept waiting for some contact from him. Just to give me an answer, provide me with some peace of mind if it was really hopeless. As the minutes of silence ticked by, a part of me kept dying and yet, I couldn't stop my stupid heart from hoping. Hoping that he'd be touched and affected by what I said, I kept pointlessly and senselessly hoping that something sparked in his heart. And so I kept waiting.

He finally called me around 10pm. My heart skipped a beat and I didn't know what to expect. I told myself to be reasonable and not have grand expectations, but my stupid, stupid heart wouldn't shut up.

It seems like my letter did make him think, but it wasn't enough in the end. I kept reaching out to his heart and head, but when he finally did examine what he was feeling as opposed to what he was thinking, he realized that he had turned cold towards me. He still cared about me as a friend, but he couldn't, didn't want to deal with me and my issues as a girlfriend anymore. He had turned cold. Heart as hard and cold as ice. There was nothing left. And he didn't want to open his heart up to disappointment again.

Oh yeah, and there's a girl. Wendy. Even her name sickens me. When we stopped communicating, he sought solace and comfort from her. And somehow, along the line, he developed something more for her. While it's nothing full blown yet, it made him re-evaluate what he wanted.

Yup, that's what he said. He said he doesn't know what he wants. He doesn't know the person he is becoming and he is still in the process of developing and understanding himself better. Hence, he doesn't know whether I'm the one for him. I once was, but now, now that we're both changing, he doesn't know anymore.

Well, it seems pretty clear that he doesn't want me. HE DOESN'T WANT ME FOR THE PERSON I AM. It just hurts so much. Knowing that I wasn't enough, knowing that he wants to be with someone else. It hurts so badly. I feel like I should be angry at him, and scream and yell at him for the betrayal, and yet, I can't. I just can't. Not yet anyway. I need to kill off my heart first. Pull the plug and let my feelings die off. How can I blame him completely when I wasn't putting in enough effort either? I do blame him to some extent, but not enough to put this whole issue on his shoulders.

Time. They always say I need time to heal. But in the mean while, life goes on. Life goes on with so much mundaneness and is so ordinary it's almost like a cruel joke. I thought time would stand still, that I couldn't even move. But life goes on right? Life moves ahead and I can't do anything but be swept along. Even as my heart shatters into millions of pieces, even as I feel that I can't breathe, I can't think, I can't bare to feel... life goes on. Papers must still be written, classes must still be attended, jobs to be comtemplated. Life goes on.

Right now, perhaps that's the best I can hope for.