Volleyball Lust

And so the love affair continues, even after my attempt at severing all ties. Despite having quit competitive volleyball, I find myself inexplicably drawn back to the court. The familiar stirrings of excitement, adrenaline pumping through my body, the suppressed passion for the game... it all came bubbling out like a burst fount as I watched on enviously as my (ex) team battled other schools in the Singapore Uni Games.

I wanted so badly to hop onto the court, so badly that after the matches ended, I stayed back to fool around with the ball. In a skirt. And high heels. Yes, it was a ludicrous image I created. And today saw me again playing volleyball in a short, tight denim skirt. Sigh, you can take the girl outta volleyball, but you can't take volleyball outta the girl.

There's just no way to describe how much volleyball means to me. Not just the game, but everything else it connotes. It's my history and represents some of the people I'm fondest of. It's where I learnt many lessons, expended my energy, ran loose and free. It represented freedom. And yet, I consciously chose not to play in my final sem. I chose not to play despite knowing that I'd probably never play indoor volleyball ever again, not to mention competitive volleyball. Was it the right move? I'm still questioning myself.

The volleyball team has also always been my extended family. We are close, we understand each other and even if we have not seen one another for a long time, it is with great ease that we fall back into rhythm and act as if time was but a mere nuisance and had no effect on friendships and ties. That is the power of a team.

Volleyball has also for the longest time charted my love (or lust?) life. The people that I have hankered after tend to be connected to volleyball in one way or the other. If you are not interested in reading about my pathetic love (lust?) life, you can stop here. From now on, it shall be a nauseating reminiscence of my ex-targets.

I joined volleyball way back in Sec 1. Coming from an ang moh school (I'm an RGPS alum ok!), and having previously been in wussy CCAs (Chinese dance, anyone?), joining a sport came as a surprise to everyone who knew me (my mum despaired as my fair complexion soon gave way to something that resembled a banglah). But it was exhilarating. Volleyball in Singapore is conducted in Chinese and yelling things out lustily in Chinese was a fun experience for me. Especially in English-accented Chinese. Anyway, the point I'm trying to make is that I grew to appreciate guys who were slightly ah beng, who spoke Chinese and who thought they were oh so cool. So I cast my amorous eyes towards the guys volleyball team and my gaze landed firmly on Hanxiong, this Sec 3 Normal Academic ah beng. He thought he was a demi-god. Moreover, his beng-ness added to his charm and when he played volleyball, it was amazing. He achieved incredible height when he jumped, he looked all sinewy and his muscles were taut and.... never mind. The crush lasted all of one week and ended abruptly when I heard him speak for the first time (previous meetings were conducted from afar). Hanxiong had a squeaky voice and that killed any passion I had for him.

It's interesting (to me) as I reflect on my taste in men, because I was in volleyball and choir in Sec 1 and there was this Sec 4 guy in choir who had an interest in me. We parlayed a little but there was this other girl who was into him. In the end, I basically yelled "Take him!" because when I lined him up against Hanxiong, there was no competition, you know? Angelic choir boy over the volleyball bad boy? No competition. Yes, even if the admiration was from a distance.

In Sec 2, I went crazy over a Sec 5 senior who again, was a volleyballer and a beng. He was from NA stream again, spoke Chinese and played volleyball well. I was in awe of his serve (told you I was a volleyball-geek). His serve was quick and powerful and he was such a delight to watch on court. As a setter, he was quick, nimble and had a roguish charm about him. I died a little everytime i watched him serve. How pathetic right? I even tried imitating his pattern, to great disaster. I got to know Zee Kiong a little better through his classmate (who happened to be my godbrother). We became friends eventually and that was that.

Fast forward to Sec 3 and the lust for volleyballers continued. The senior team was the same age as me and we were all great friends. I am ashamed to recount that due to the lack of (good) meat in the senior team, I found myself powerfully attracted to a younger guy. He redefined beng for me. A year younger than me, he was more muscular than my previous prototypes, incredibly tanned, he didn't walk, he swaggered, and he was captain of the junior team. I flirted like crazy with him. Sigh. Such bad taste. But watching him play volleyball was like having an orgasm. He was that good. Sigh. Sad to say, that stupid flirtation came to a miserable ending when he started dating my volleyball junior. I was miserable for a long period of time. And when they broke up 2 months later, I secretly rejoiced but couldn't be bothered with him anymore as I had a new distraction (in the yucky, yucky form of Bill. Pui! Let's just say he is a bitter, bitter memory. Non-volleyballer, from the school band. Big mistake on my part. Why did I like him? Cos he spoke English and SEEMED intelligent. I like extremes).

When I entered AJC, I stopped playing volleyball cos I thought I should concentrate on my studies. But one day during a PE lesson, I was playing vball casually with a friend and the PE teacher, who also happened to be AJ girls vball team coach, approached me. He wanted me to join the girls team. At that point, I was missing vball acutely and I banished the thoughts of being a nerd and went for 1 training. I ended up quitting that same day. The girls were quite horrible to me, isolating me in one corner, nobody bothering to interact with me. They were acting as if they were barely tolerating my presence. Vball to me represented family and such horrid treatment killed any desire I had.

And I think that affected my outlook on men. Being away from volleyball meant that I reverted back to liking men who spoke English, men who were intelligent and articulate, men who were well-read rather than sports players. And that played a key role in my hooking up with Fadz. He personifies that kind of person. Who knows... if I had stuck with volleyball, I might not be with Fadz today. I would basically still be living with a double identity, enjoying my secret lust after ah bengs, chasing the eternal bad boys. Scary to think that one decision could have affected who I ended up with today.

So what brought on this lengthy post? This walk down memory lane of lust objects buried in my past and whom I thought were long forgotten? I believe I have a new lust object, and I'm starting to lose perspective on things. It started out harmless enough, but I'm beginning to act irrationally. This hasn't happened to me since year 1 when I was confused over A. Yes, no names here cos he's from SMU. But now that I'm missing volleyball so much, it seems like I'm trying to hold on to my ties in any possible way. So when this tall, dark, above-average looking volleyballer (he's not very good though, quite bad in fact.. god I'm pathetic) walked into my life, I find my old amorous eye turning his way.

I just can't explain it. I'm such a different animal on court; my inner ah-lian surfaces and I'm loud, speak Chinese, yelling and screaming my lungs out. On some level, I believe only a fellow volleyballer would understand how I feel, hence the attraction. Fadz can't understand why I'd get so excited over a volleyball game, he can't understand the thrill of a good receive, a good spike, scoring against an opponent, screaming to intimidate an opponent. But a fellow player gets that. And that part of me will cast my eye away from Fadz because he simply doesn't understand how I feel.

Well, this madness has to end. I'm never going to act on my impulses but I can't always be in control of my reactions. Besides, he's a good friend and I don't want this to end badly. So how? Any advice? I'm just hoping that this flame would run its course and die out soon enough. Lust, not love, is a horrendous animal that needs to be caged up. Don't get me wrong, I do lust after Fadz as well. But one is for the mind, the other is for the sport. Split personality, that I am.