One Step At A Time

Since I do not have money for therapy, I turned to the net for some healing advice. That's when I chanced upon this ebook, How To Be Happy and Have Fun Changing the World by Michael Anthony. Have been reading it during class cos it's so much more engaging. And even though some of the stuff seems very obvious, reading it repeatedly makes me think and analyse more closely. And yeah, this guy makes sense.

Anytime you have any degree of hate, greed, jealousy, and fear or multiple combinations of these emotions, you immediately lower your brain’s chemistry and your ability to reason and function at a high level. Your negative emotions are the cause of most of your bad decisions, actions and unhappiness you experience in your life. The rest is caused by ignorance or lack of self-awareness.

How simple, but how true. When I think back on the numerous stupid things I did to make Fadz pay attention to me, to cling on, to make him feel something long after his heart had died... such actions were motivated mostly by the fear of losing him, jealousy of Wendy and other negative feelings. Right now, I think of him and the feelings usually associated are regret and pain. That has to stop. If I keep associating thoughts of him with sadness, I will never be able to climb out of the well of self-pity. But if I remember the happy times we had together and just stopped there, then I'd be filled with happy memories. A person deserves that kinda happiness and peace, right?

A relationship is not about regrets. I'm only punishing myself by replaying scenarios in my head, hating him, loving him, asking "What ifs" and "If only". In forgiveness, forgiving both him and me, I shall regain my focus and balance.

I don't need him to worry about me. I don't need any pity, guilt. I'm my own person and I was so before I met him. And I'd be that again after him. My life goes on and I'm looking forward to better things. =)