Time To Wake Up

It's freaking amazing. Either I'm truly schizophrenic, or there's something about relationships that makes me go bonkers. Maybe I'm not meant to be a girlfriend, or maybe I've just been saddled to the wrong man. A man who makes me behave irrationally and like a shrew. A man who thinks so little of me and belittles me in a bid to boost his own ego (he actually had the balls to admit it). A man who recognized that I am stronger than he'd ever be and uses tiny emotional tricks to break down my self-esteem.

I'm a hopeless romantic. I keep thinking that I'd have a fairytale ending to my life. And seeing how my parents have been together and still so loving after a long time, a long term relationship really appeals to me. So much so that I can be blinded and act like a besotted fool when I think I'm in love. Taking punishment and self-flagellation that no self-respecting person should ever have to swallow. Thinking that there's something wrong with ME because my best traits are portrayed in a negative light by him. Thinking no one would ever love ME again because he has described me as a horrible human being. Yes, this is all coming from a man who purported to have loved me.

He doesn't even begin to know the meaning of love. And I'm finally beginning to realize what it means to be an utterly, utterly stupid fool. I used to despise and scorn women who behaved in such a manner. Now I understand. Women are naturally emotionally fragile. And when we are emotionally invested in someone, our egos become incredibly brittle and affected by our significant other. No matter how strong we may seem, on the inside, we have surrendered our autonomy and often find it difficult to regain independence. To the extent that when things go badly, we are unable to see ourselves as being worthy creatures again.

I hit a new low last night. I allowed him to continuously abuse me over and over again, all the while swallowing my pride and hurt. The more I think about it, the stupider I feel. I feel like slapping myself and shaking myself awake from this nightmare. Yes, this may be my first relationship, but it's no reason for acting like a spineless, mindless, stupid fuck. Someone please slap me really, really hard.

I'm so mad right now! I want to hurt something really, really badly. Luckily, I have really supportive people around me who keep me from falling off the cliff. I will not succumb to depression. I will not lose my self-respect.


This is what he let slip away. His loss. Maybe this is God's way of telling me that I need to treat myself better and that I'm capable of hooking someone a gazillion times better than him.

Thank the stars! I can finally enjoy pork in all its beautific, juicy glory again.