I know, I know, it's not like me to get so angsty.
But it's that time of the year where a standard sweep of blogs will reward you with entry after entry of pointless new year resolutions (seriously: 20 new goals for 1 year??) that will most likely never be kept.
I gave up trying to set new targets circa... I can't even remember.
I suppose the feeling of helplessness and the futility of it all was heightened this year, thanks to having to work on New Year's Eve AND New Year's Day.
I bid farewell to 2009 in the office. Too exhausted to go out, I simply went home because all I could think about was sleep.
Think I managed to put in one message to Fadz before blacking out.
And before I knew it, it was dawn and time for me to get to work.
I spent the first half of 2010 alone in the whole goddamn office as other people gradually stumbled in after 12pm.
As the pond scum in my organisation, I was assigned the morning shift to "hold the fort".
Not that I was REALLY complaining. Because I'd take peace and quiet over having to face a stupid monkey ANY day.
As a sidetrack, it's completely farcical and ridiculous for a 34-year-old grown man to pass notes back and forth with another colleague behind my back, because he wanted to bitch about me.
I was so sorely tempted to shoot an email welcoming him to the Age of Technology, and suggesting that email or msn might be a better platform for office bitching.
At least you look like you are working.
Plus, you save trees.
Anyway, it's hard to think about 2010 as a new beginning, when it seems so similar to the old year, doesn't it?
To top it all off, I think the stress at work caused me to have a mild panic attack over the weekend, when I finally got to get some rest.
I called it a quarter-life crisis, but thinking back, it sure felt like a panic attack.
The sudden panic that there was something wrong with my life. The nonstop questioning within me.
Like I've accomplished nothing in my 2 years of work, and there was nothing to look forward to. And the saddest part was, I felt like I couldn't muster enough energy to GIVE A DAMN.
At first I couldn't pinpoint the source of the discontent growing in me, and even began to question if I was unsatisfied with my relationship with Fadz. Luckily, he bore it with good humour and faith (as usual) and talked me out of my hysteria.
But honestly, I wake up now with dread in my heart whenever I think of work.
Oh god, how long more can this continue?
If there is one thing that I want to do this year, is to travel more.
Once I've gotten the wanderlust out of my system, then I'd decide what to do with my life, career wise.
In case you are mistaken, I'm not looking to climb the corporate ladder or be some high-powered executive.
Hell no. All I'm asking for is a job that pays me fair wages, working hours that do not tear me up from the inside, and an environment that actually cultivates learning instead of pure stumbling along.
For now, I'm just trying to channel happy thoughts.
And the travel year is shaping up!
Jan: A highly-anticipated spa getaway to Batam with the KB girls. Nothing like cheap labour and A&W! to rub some tension out of me.
Feb: Heading to the Big Apple and Boston to meet the sister. Can't wait to run my fingers through snow, breathe in intoxicating crisp, cold air and be amazed by the sights, sounds and smells of New York even in winter.
June: Fadz is finally, finally graduating! (no longer dating a student! double income!) Am persuading him that it's worth spending money on a grad trip. Maybe Istanbul. or Bangkok. Maybe Australia. Haven't really decided.
Dec: Maybe finally get to take that long awaited Europe trip with Sylvia, Kristin and Uncle Shawn! Eh Kris, if you reading this.... can still go or not, Mrs Han-t0-be?
Anyway, that's the plan for now.
How am I financing it? Through sheer positive thinking, sucking it up at work for now... and eh, I dunno, praying for money to fall from the sky.
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