It's like a snowball effect... You see something that triggers a memory, that then compels you to search further and you dig up memories that only serve to hurt even more.
Or in this case, inflict pain on myself.
F posted up pictures from jc time on fb. And there were 2 pics of the two of us.
We looked so young, so happy and so in love.
I don't understand why he did it. He took down every other photo of us. Why bother reminding himself of us, when there's no more "us"?
I took to reading my old blog entries, circa 2005. I was apparently so happy... But the thing is, i don't even remember some of the things that i wrote about.
Did we really share such a memory? Did we really have such a moment? Do i even recognise the Joanne who was writing about such things?
Sure, even then i was plagued by questions of religion. But i sounded SO DAMN SURE that everything was going to be for the better.
I don't regret ending a relationship that was already in my mind, on the decline.
But the romantic in me regrets that such a love had to end, that life really isn't like in fairy tales.
And i love ZW, i really do. But there's also a part of me that is fearful. Fearful that i don't know how to sustain a relationship. Fearful that if this doesn't work out, the romantic in me would be too bruised to ever recover.
To ever believe again that i can have a happily ever after.
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