Some R & R!!

Phew! Finally, some time to blog. I've just finished the Show Me The Money Bootcamp, and I must say I'm immensely glad that it's over. Organising things can be such a pain in the ass, especially when you're in-charge of logistics. Hummppffh..

It sucks when the Profs whom you've emailed over and over again don't turn up on time. It sucks when Food Haven catering tries to stiff you. It sucks when after all that work people can still be such assholes.

Anyway, shall not dwell on the past. I'm still tying up loose ends and it's sooo stupid that I have to go back to school even after the event to squeeze money out of the school administration. Money that was put aside for us but impossible to attain due to too much red tape. By the time I get the money, I think we would have moved school already and everyone would forget.

And one thing I'm still reflecting on is the nature of the people I've chosen to work with, namely, Ventures people. Now, you must understand that these people are elitist and really smart in their own way. Most are hardworking, driven and very motivated individuals who want to start their own businesses. They are aspiring entrepreneurs. But what I can't decide whether I can accept is the fact that they are not confident. They are arrogant. Very, very arrogant. They think that their decisions are the best ones made, suggestions are heard but not listened, and all credit is due to them only. Case closed. Moreover, tact is overrated and being polite is for wussies. Right.

I've noticed this even in people I once thought were very mellow and well, nice. And yet, the change is there. I do not know if that person was always like that, or he changed after joining. Even I have changed. I have a lower threshold of tolerance for incompetence and if I fail, all the worse the self-censor. The hiccups I've experienced during this workshop made me feel absolutely useless for a while last night. I kept thinking about what went wrong and why it went wrong. And I felt so defeated. Defeated and angry at myself. It sucks when you cannot find peace with yourself.

so why am I giving myself so much stress? Sure, it would be nice if I could start my own business, but am I really cut out for it? Do I really want to walk into the business world knowing that most of them are assholes who would stab you in the back the moment they can? Do I really want to kill myself and give myself sleepless nights wondering if I'm making enough money?

and all this for what? Money? Success? Recognition? In the end, we're all still gonna get old. Companies will be taken over; I would be replaced by someone younger, and all the money in the world is not going to make me young again.

I guess that's why I treasure relationships so much. Because I don't want to lose my youth over some faceless, dead business only to realize too late that I will be too busy to ever have a companion and a family. I need people who know and trust me. People who love me and want to be around me. All the money in the world is not going to make up for the fact that I will be sitting alone in a cold office with tons of money in the bank, but no one to share it with. And when I'm 40, and deciding that I need a vacation, there's no one around because I've neglected all relationships except the business contacts.

because the one thing that I cannot abide more than the lack of good career prospect is the fear of loneliness. I hate being alone. Although some days I would wish that everyone dies and leave me alone, at the back of my mind I know that once I snap out of that mood, I would need to be with someone, talk to someone. I fear growing old alone more than anything. To not know companionship in my old age, to not have someone to love and be with... It's unimaginable.

perhaps this fear stems from a childhood of loneliness. I was the proverbial latch-key kid. my grandma died when I was 7. Both my parents were working. My sisters were always in school. I would go home to an empty house and wait. wait for it to be filled. Maybe that's why I sleep so much and hate lighting. I used to sleep so that time would pass more quickly and when I woke up, my family would be home. And I hate lightning cos it reminds me of times when I cowered in fear on my bed, knowing that there was no one in the house to comfort me.

How depressing a melancholic mood can be. I hope I snap out of it soon and not be a killjoy during the chalet. hehehe... And now I'm thinking that I won't be seeing Fadz the whole weekend.. Awwwww... Sianz... I know I'm too dependent on him. Why? Because he's the first person i know i can lean on no matter what. Love.. How grand.. *grinz*