My Ego Takes a Bruising

While I'm not the most self-absorbed, overtly confident beast that I know, I don't think I really lack in the self-esteem department. At least when I look in the mirror every morning, I don't recoil in horror and throw something at the mirror. In fact, I've been known to approve of the image staring back at me and leave the house feeling good.

Look, this post has a point, and it isn't to laud all my great points. I'm getting to the gist of this post, just be patient, ok?

See the thing is, I know I'm not pretty in the conventional manner that Singaporeans seem to associate beauty with: skinny, skinny, skinny, good features, perfect teeth, preferably tanned. But I definitely think I'm hot (the whole SHU NU thing got lame fast). Sexy even. And if I'm really feeling it, charismatic to some extent. I may not have men falling over, but I'm not exactly repelling them either, yeah?

Look, I have a loving boyfriend who thinks I'm hot enough. He may not say it, but when he approves of how I look, he does things like give me the not-so-subtly once over, and proceed to take my picture. Hey, if that's not a clue, I dunno what is.

And even though I seem to give off the "attached" vibe, some brave men have been known on occasion to approach me. Of course, my luck runs a little more dry here because I seem to really attract African-Americans. I think it's the J-Lo inspired ass I have.

The point is, I'm comfortable with the way I look. Sure, I may bitch sometimes that I feel fat and all that crap and insecurity women go through, but at the end of the day, I'm not so upset and desperate to change the way I look. I look good, and I'm happy. Or like Eng Teck puts it, I'm neither thin nor fat. Shouldn't that be enough?

Unfortunately, life is not always so blissful. This whole train of thought derived from my training session today. I was practicing my spiking and seriously, I would lluurrrvveee to leap into the air and look all graceful and lithe while doing it, but some facts must be mentioned. I'm not like the other skinny girls. Every time I leap into the air, I'm carrying extra weight. If you're skinny, imagine wearing weights on your upper body and then trying to repeatedly jump into the air. Yup, not that easy, yeah?

So at the end of the training session, while I was stretching out my aching bones and joints (a lot more stress is placed on them), my coach started to talk to me about my spiking. See, there's 2 types of spiking: standing on the ground and leaping into the air. I don't lack the strength or accuracy while on the ground, and my balls can be quite lethal and accurate. But obviously not very impressive, right?

So my coach was trying to convince me that I would be a much better spiker standing still. But that isn't fun. That isn't as threatening as looming above the opponent, ball in hand, and smashing it into the other person's face. So I asked how I could on the leap spiking. With a wide smile plastered on his face, he told me that since my legs are so short and stout, and since I lack the speed due to my weight, I would (a) need to lose weight (b) strengthen my thigh muscles and (c) move my ass a lot faster.

With just a few sentences, my self-esteem took a pummelling. Seems like this ol' bod will never be good enough as it is, huh? And the final stab in the heart was when he said my good point was that I had strength. And that came from me using my body strength to smack the ball, ie the heavier you are, the more likely you're gonna be stronger cos the motion would carry you further. Hahaha, thanks man.

I know my coach is being rational, but I'm not! I'm this emotional basket-case and weight is always such a sensitive issue! My heart refuses to listen to logic (not now anyway) as it is bleeding inside. Why, why, why, am I never good enough? Haiz.

How to lose weight, you tell me? I love food too much, hate exercise (apart from volleyball) and too poor to go to a slimming centre. Since my goal is to own a restaurant called Beef's Up! (it serves everything beef! pasta! pizza! shepard's pie! rendang!) and a totally kitchy Soda Jerk Shop (milkshakes so thick you have to use a spoon to eat it; ice cream that has 0 calories - think Diet Coke - and pop music blaring overhead), I think it's gonna be a little hard to shed that weight.

Lol, like I'm just thinking of excuses, hor? Ah screw this self-examination, I'm going to sleep. And hopefully when I wake up, I'll feel like my gorgeous, confident, sexy ass self again. Fingers crossed.

Haha, and it would help if some of you people reading this leave me reassuring messages. Snide remarks not appreciated. Some kindness please!