Confused

Hmmm, either his hypocrisy runs much deeper than I thought, or maybe, just maybe, he didn't hear what I was saying. Or he is in supreme denial. I dunno. The not knowing is semi driving me nuts. Chill, I need to chill. I shall play the waiting game.

He messages me to ask for my class slides, like we're on good terms and doing favours for one another is expected. Once again, his superb prowess at making use of people rears its head. Applause, applause. Perhaps due to a guilty conscience, I acquiesced to his request (demand?). Silly, sill me. I should have just said that I had already deleted them.

And then we meet in class. Everything seems fine and dandy. He smiles at me, talks to me. We have a common event to go to after class, so we walk together. We talk some more, he does his patented back rub on me, I can't even be bothered to cringe in annoyance. Close up of his mug follows. Do I even have the strength to feel revulsion?

Perhaps the lack of energy has dimmed my fighting spirit. I simply gave in and couldn't be bothered. He offered to carry my books. At least I had enough self-preservation to reject his offer.

Or maybe I'm reading too much into all this. I should stop all the wondering and thinking what kind of mind games he is playing. What will be will be. What a fatalistic view that is, eh?

The world will always present hypocritical people upon my doorstep. Either I pretend they don't exist (not bloody likely), step on them (how I wish I could!), or do what they do unto me. Smile when I don't mean it. Cooperate when all I want to do is avoid him. Hold my tongue when I want to release a lashing.

Pretend I'm not emotional when I'm really this hysterical drama queen. Sometimes I feel like I want to shout at the world for playing its cruel games with me and ask the world to stop. Scream and rant and hit out at some invisible force that never ceases to make my life uncomfortable and emotionally unbalance.

No, no, not feeling suicidal. Angsty and emo, yes. But tired of living, never. Thank God I take equal delight in hedonistic pleasures that are love, passion and excitement.