I wonder how long it'd take for this dull ache to go away. When I'm doing things, I can lock away such feelings. But on occasions, when I'm left to my own thoughts, the dullness of ache creeps all over me.

I guess I'm asking for it, subjecting myself to self-flagellation. I have been regularly checking Fadz's Friendster and Facebook account, just to see what's up with him. And I contacted one of his friends. Don't ask me why. Once again, impulse took over and I went with it.

I guess I wanted to see things from his perspective and since we weren't talking, I might as well get the intel from one of his closest friends. She says he's confused. But don't worry, I didn't take it to heart. Because why should I be surprised that he's feeling sad? He's probably blaming himself, just like I have been. But I know that's not a reason to maintain hope. There's no turning back now. To some extent, I'm getting pissed off that he's acting like the injured party. Hello! Perspective here! You pushed me away, and now you're acting like I disappointed you??? Fucker.

But one thing Junni (Fadz's friend) said that struck a chord with me was that it seemed like I needed Fadz more than he needed me. My first reaction was indignation, like, this bitch doesn't even know me, how dare she comment on our relationship? So in that spirit, I fired off a less-than-courteous message to her. But that line has been swirling around in my head and I suppose there's some truth there. I definitely depended on him more than he depended on me. I needed him on so many levels. He was my Asset but I felt like his Liability. And that fed on my insecurities as everyone wants to feel needed, right? He was my top priority and I never did things that I thought would disrespect him, like try to get close to another guy. But he didn't pay me the same respect. Guess it boiled down to me not really mattering that much to him. Or I was so good at bolstering his ego that he took me for granted.

So I bet you're asking "then why the hell do I still want to be with this bastard who's making me miserable?" I dunno. Maybe I'm making him out to be worse than he is. Maybe it's because I've become so dependent on him I've lost my spine and will to stand on my own 2 feet. Maybe I'm really this horrible monster and no one would love me to the degree that would make me happy.

But that doesn't stop me from jumping everytime I hear my phone ring. Or looking out for signs that point towards Fadz needing me too. I think he's blocked me on msn. I know I said we couldn't be friends, but that's such a pity. I really do enjoy talking to him.

Time. Time moves on. I need to move on. I just dunno how.