Sigh, I'm so terribly weak. I called Fadzli this morning. I know, I know, what the hell am I thinking right? It wasn't another plea to get back together, but rather, I needed to hear him speak and tell me what was really going on in his mind. The past few days saw me talking and talking, making inferences and stories and examples, but I never really gave him a chance to speak.

Well, it seems like the lack of communication thing wasn't just a couple of months in the making, but rather, a few years. I think we were doomed from the beginning. Sure, opposites attract because something different always seems new and shiny. But in the end, it's the common things that keep people together.

We had very different expectations that we never voiced out. Fadz needed someone who was involved in all aspects of his life and shared common goals. He thought that I could be that person, but in truth, I wasn't. I was there for some things, but wasn't that interested, or couldn't understand, other aspects. So he sought other people who could fill up this gap. He has historically always found it easily to make friends with girls and so those were the people whom he sought. To me, it looked like playing the field and I grew distrustful and disliked those girls intensely.

As for me, I had my own expectations too. Fadz is a notorious non-communicator and every emotion that I wrought out of him was hard fought. To me, I already have notions of what a boyfriend should or should not do, and when he finally accomplished something that I needed, I felt like it was a "given", instead of recognizing it for what it really was. Effort. I never made him feel appreciated. In some sense, in the early years that was how he made me feel cos he was incredibly blunt and insensitive, and I felt underappreciated. So when the tables were turned, I dunno, maybe subconsciously I was paying him back?

It keeps swirling in my head that I was not enough for him. He needs so much emotional support that in the end, it was simply too draining for me. And so I had 2 options: let him get emotionally involved with other people or not. So when I gave him the ultimatum to choose between Wendy or me, it was the straw that broke the camel's back. That's when he knew things were irreparable. He simply couldn't and wouldn't. To him, it felt like a huge loss because he had already invested so much emotionally in her, and all his friends, for that matter.

"It's a Catch 22." That's what he said to me. If I gave him a free rein, it would hurt me incredibly because I'm not that magnanimous. I would like to see a female who is. But if I restrained him, he would only get more and more resentful.

But the biggest blow is that he didn't find losing me to be a great loss. He felt RELIEVED, dammit. Had he really detached himself so much from me that I was merely a transient being in his life? All the "I love yous", all the hugs, the kisses.... towards the end it was all lies. Merely out of habit or to pacify me.

So I guess it was for the best. Getting back together would have been a mistake because we simply aren't what we need at this point. Or maybe, we never were. I need someone to openly show that he loves me, that he get s me, to not assume that I get subtlety because I truly don't. And in return, Fadz needs someone who can pick out the tiniest details or the smallest change in moods without him needing to tell. Obvious vs subtle. 2 very different beings.

How much of a further mismatch can you get?

Time. I'm playing the waiting game. Waiting until the memories fade into the recesses of my mind, waiting until I can one day think about Fadz and not feel pain and regret. Simply waiting.