Ah, the world is such a better place when your mind becomes fuzzy and your blood turns into alcohol.

Been drinking quite a bit lately. First at Greg's house for the volleyball gathering where I made an ass out of myself taking pictures with all the (cute) guys available. Then a bunch of us hit double o last night for drinks and dancing. I could only conclude that I am getting old when the guys all looked younger than me and my legs started aching after a bit of booty shaking.

Oh well.

And I was acting completely out of character. I knew EXACTLY what the hell I was doing, knew EXACTLY what the hell I was saying. The girls were in the toilet and I chose to let rip a string of rubbish in front of David. Could I have stopped myself from bahaving like a blathering idiot? Absolutely. I just chose not too. There's something incredibly liberating about being able to yell and scream and not think about the consequences. David recoiled in horror. That was funny.

I know Jialing is gonna say I'm being over-dramatic. Well, yes, I suppose I am. But life is so colourless unless you infuse it with drama and energy. I just sometimes choose to overdo it. Let loose all my inhibitions. Forgo sanity and dignity. Go to the brink of insanity and hopefully be able to pull back in time.

I'm being so irrational right now. Life goes on and I go through the mechanics of it. At least I'm not crying anymore. But the moment I start to feel, to think, to regret, to hope, to linger, to wish... the world becomes too painful again. So I choose to bury it all.

I hope he's happy. Nah, scratch that. I'm not THAT noble. I hope he's fucking miserable. Fucked up and being a mindless zombie. I hope he's feeling interminable pain and regret and missing me like shit. I hope he feels like his world is falling apart.

Haha, such empty, hurtful, spiteful words. But I know it's not true. He's let go of emotional baggage that's been building up over the years and I can only imagine how happy he is right now. But I shall not ponder too much about that point, because that would only make me more miserable.

And I've realized that I can't go on one night stands, I abhore the idea of making out with a total stranger. Flirtations aside, my emotions are wound too tightly for me to pretend that any of it can be meaningless. I need my connections. I need to feel like I belong and attached to something.

Back and forth, back and forth, the pendulum of my emotions swing. Vigorously, spinning out of control, rocking violently, trying to find equilibrium. I think I'd be better off as a mindless zombie.

Don't worry, no suicidal thoughts, no slutty inclinations, no hysterical breakdown. Still looking for jobs, still studying for tests, still doing my projects. Like I said, the mechanics of life. So much less complicated. I don't have to feel, just have to do it. And so I do.