Hello, I'm back from KL. How was KL? LOL, Kristin, Jialing and I made a pact: "What happens in KL, stays in KL." Teeheehee....

Sigh, I thought the trip abroad would help me recharge and regain my balance in life. I was perfectly fine in KL, when I was away from everything that reminded me of Fadzli. But the moment I stepped back in Singapore, everything came crashing back down on me. Crap, do I need to leave the country permanently to find some peace of mind?

I've been reading my my old diary entries (yes, I do keep the traditional form) and to my horror, I realized what a big joke I've played on myself all these years. You see, Fadzli and I broke up way back in J2 for pretty much the same reasons. Only that time, I did the merciless heartbreaking because I felt that I wasn't being loved and treated well enough by Fadz, who's notoriously insensitive, clueless and uncommunicative. But he came after me. And my puny, weak heart caved in even though my head screamed "Noooo!!!"

I even penned down this thought, "Hope I'm not making a big mistake and setting myself up for a second round of heartbreak". Haha, I must have psychic powers.

Here I was, thinking that Fadz had changed and that caused the breakup. Guess my peabrain really does forget bad things easily. NOTHING HAS CHANGED. HISTORY IS MERELY REPEATING ITSELF. I thought that with time, we would grow to understand each other more. I thought with time, we would open up to each other more and learn that relationships are about compromises. I thought we would grow together and weather all kinds of calamity.

I thought wrong.

We never grew together, we merely grew apart. Our relationship was so separated from the rest of our lives that it was like an entity unto itself. Sucking the life out of both of us because we didn't know what to do with it. We didn't deal, we merely tried to barricade it, fixing the leaks with shoddy patchwork. Until all hell broke loose.

He broke up with me. I went after him. Except his head is stronger than his heart. He knew it was time. He knew it was the right thing to do. And so he's sticking to his guns. This is it.

I feel like laughing. I feel like the biggest cosmic joke has been played on me. Karma. Retribution. It's like shouting a huge "I told you so!" at myself. Wow, if I had stuck to my decision, I'm sure a 1-year relationship would have been easier to deal with post-break up than a 5-year one. But instead, I chose to inflict more pain not only on myself, but on Fadz too. I should be thanking Fadz for finally having the guts to end this.

So why do I feel like putting my head in my hands and crying until I stop feeling altogether?