I thought that I could be a bigger person, I really thought that I had the emotional maturity to handle being friends with the ex.

Well, I thought wrong. Li Wern is right, I don't have to always put on such a brave front.

I don't understand why the hell I still care so much for Fadz. To the extent that I'm willing to make myself miserable in a bid to comfort him in his time of heartache, listening to his pining and moaning, all the while dying on the inside. Ah, the beauty of electronic communication. I can type one thing while meaning another.

I suppose that's what people mean by I need to love myself more. I was so determined to help him feel better, to help him through his passage of darkness, even if it meant plunging myself back into the cycle of misery. I was still desperately trying to show that I'd be there for him, that I wanted to know him better, to unlock his psyche.

But all he did was cause me more pain. He never asked how I felt. He never approached unless it was to seek solace. And stupidly, I kept giving.

Ah, why are women so stupid? But it finally struck me. I thought our friendship was very important. But how important can it be when it's a one-sided affair? Letting him get fat on my giving, while I torture myself and waste away?

And so I told him I could no longer be there for him, at least when it came to relationship woes. But I was willing to be his friend in other areas. He seemed pissed off, as if I was being unreasonable, which only strengthened my resolve.

It takes 2 hands to clap. If our friendship really means/meant anything to him, he'd understand that. But if he takes this as an offense, or thinks that I'm obviously not a good friend for not being there for him in his time of need.. well, I suppose that's not much of a friendship anyway. He's always been selfish. I thought he was the most giving person in the world. Turns out, he only gives what he feels comfortable giving, never bothering to put himself out there for anyone.

"You need to love yourself more." I think I finally get what that means. Making hard decisions now so that I can be happy in the long run. If we truly are meant to stay in touch, it would happen. If not, then I guess Fadz would fall into the annuls of time and join the memories of others who were once important in my life, but have since fallen by the wayside.