Closure

I need closure.

Bits and pieces of things that remind me of F are still scattered throughout my room.

If I want to move forward, and put this behind me, I need to remove these reminders.

I think the biggest concern I have now is whether F is doing alright. I need to know that he'll be ok.

Because this time, there's no turning back.

I was thinking about the times F and I have broken up over the years.. and in the last 4 years alone, just during his university life, we've done it 3 times.

The first time, he refused to let go and I didn't push it further, because I still felt so in love with him. So despite knowing that there were cracks, we covered them up with plaster.

The second time, he broke my heart but I refused to believe that we were done. Despite advice from everyone around me, I ignored what my head was telling me and still went for it. In some sense, I think I wore his defences down by simply refusing to back down.

And the third time... well, I guess I broke his heart. Actually, I'm not even sure how's he feeling. Is he in pain? Or is he finding some relief? I simply don't know.

But the issues that we face, or faced... were recurring ones. Things that never truly went away. Despite our best attempts to try to surmount these differences, and yeah, best efforts were put in, we eventually lapsed back into old ways.

People simply don't change. And if I can't acccept him for who he is, I don't think I deserve to be with him. There will be someone for him, who can love him better than I ever could. I honestly believe that. Because in the end, I overwhelmed him with what I wanted, or thought I wanted, and he got lost along the way. And then I became lost too.

Not sure if people can understand this but... I need to be selfish now and stop beating myself up over it. Stop stressing out if he's eating right, wandering if he's cooped up in his house, hoping that he's talking to people about this, and not trying to work things out alone.

I can't call him. I can't text him. I think it'd only make things worst at this point.

I still remember when he broke up with me.. and then msn-ed me a few days later... sure, it made me feel happy and broke my wallowing for the moment... but it plunged me back into despair because he made it clear that he was just checking to see if I was ok. As a concerned friend.

And I can still remember the reaction in my head... it was like, "how the fuck do you think I'm doing? I've been broken into pieces, you bastard!"

And it felt like mixed signals too..

It was during the Hari Raya celebrations, and knowing how much I loved his cousins, he took videos of them playing and sent them to me.

Maybe that's why I thought I had a chance?

But this time round... I know I'm done. There are simply too many cracks to ignore, too much toxic and baggage...

And something great is happening in my life right now.

As bad as the timing is.. and I know this is going to make me look like a complete slore.. but I simply can't walk away.

I've met this amazing guy and it feels like the world makes sense again. That all the attachments to life that were slowly slipping away suddenly feel alive again.

Perhaps some people think I'm just in freefall, or have made a complete mistake... and quite honestly, if I was to look at this from an objective third party point of view, I can see why it seems so crazy. In fact, I'd be right in there, making judgments as well.

But it just feels so damn right. So damn right.

I've only known him for 2 weeks, TWO WEEKS.. and it feels like I've known him my whole life.

We are so comfortable together and around each other, it's almost like we've stopped rushing about in life and have fallen into each other's pace.

It's eery and I'm frightened and almost afraid to take the next step because it can't be possible.

I don't think I've been so spooked out in my life from hearing the "L" word.

I keep imagining that this thing I'm feeling, it's bound to pass right? It's just the hormones talking, and probably, I'm just being delusional.

But.... at this moment, all I know is that a hand has been extended to me, and the moment I reached over to clasp it, I couldn't let go.

The insecure part of me tells me to take things slow, and who's to say it won't crash and burn by next week?

But do I really want to live life so timid, so afraid to step out of my comfort zone?

If I'm going down in flames, I might as well go out in a bang, no?