So what am I scared of?

I wonder what's causing so much hesitance on my part.

The fact that things are progressing so quickly, and yet so well?

That I am still amazed and puzzled that a person can be so intense, so all-consuming, so passionate, that I fear it's going to crash and burn?

The fact that I got out of something that has been a part of me for nearly half my life, and leaped head first into another major thing without a break in between?

This morning, I woke up and wanted to tell my mum about ZW. Cos the whole "I'm meeting a friend" line is getting lame.

And tiring.

And I keep having to worry that I'm going home too late and not having a credible alibi beyond going "mmmm..."

But every time I tried to open my mouth, something gagged in my throat.

What is it? Fear? Fear that I'd be judged by my own mother?

I'm really not sure. When I first told her that I broke up with F, cos the feeling is gone, she gave me a long look, and then yelled "how can liddat? When you get married how?"

Valid point, but I'm still young and idealistic and a hopeless romantic fool and I refuse to accept that.

So... if I were to tell her that I'm in a new committed thing (I can't even say the R word), would she freak out and think I'm just having a flight of fancy? That I'm on the rebound, or that I'm just being.. promiscuous?

It took her so long to accept F.. how can I just throw another guy into her life so soon, right?

Aaarrggghhhh... ZW has been incredibly patient (most of the time)... but I guess he's also wondering what the hell I'm thinking.

I think he knows how I feel about him now... but I guess he worries too that I always seem ready to bolt out the door.

I don't know why I'm panicking. He says I think too much. In my defense, I'm a girl, I'm programmed to over think things.

And the funny thing is, I've even tried to sabotage us. I keep trying to find "deal breakers"... it's almost as if I WANT us to fail, so that I can go "aha!" and prove everyone right that I just lost my mind temporarily.

And maybe assuage my guilt a little.

At the same time, I really, really want this to work. In fact, I want to tell everyone about, and not have to hide that I'm seeing someone really cool. And weird :P

But I'm also trying not to hurt F anymore than I already have..

And introducing ZW to the parents, and my friends.. makes things official. That I really have moved on, probably in record time. And there'd be no more hiding.

Yup, that's what I'm doing. Hiding behind a hazy cloud.. just letting things stayed muddled for the moment. Yeah, I'm a coward.

What's a girl to do?