Saying goodbye to a grand love

I finally cried. Was wondering when, and if, that would ever happen. Guess I got my answer.

And it was in the strangest of circumstances. I was on the bus en-route to the Hong Kong airport to fly back to Singapore.

Had a pleasant enough holiday with the mum, and I was settling into the hour-long journey by turning on the ipod.

Flicked through songs and settled on Kelly Clarkson's "Already Gone". Why? I have no idea. But I knew that F posted the song on his facebook wall days after we broke up.

And as I was listening to the lyrics, tears started welling up and poured down my face. I tried to keep as quiet and silent as possible, so as to not freak out my mum.

Hope she didn't notice. I was barely breathing at that point. Guess the huge shades helped, as did the early morning grogginess.

The tears lasted for the duration of the song. And then I stopped.

I dunno why I started crying. Maybe cos everything that F wanted to say, or couldn't say, was summed up in the song.

I could practically feel him enunciating every word. And now I understand why he didn't fight for me.

Because it truly, and honestly is over. Fadz + Jo are no more. We've hurt each other so much, so deep, there's simply no going back. The poison has permeated too deeply.

I think the worst thing throughout this entire experience is that.. I know he tried his best, or to the best of his ability to love me.

And it still wasn't enough.

Ultimately, there were some things that could not be changed, and trust issues that could not be overcomed, even with love. This breakup was simply a time bomb waiting to ignite, and I pulled the pin.

And it really was a grand love, my first love.

I thought our love could surmount any difficulty. We stood in the face of parental disapproval, racial and religious differences. I endured countless "minah and ahmad" jokes, endless prodding about converting, hours of conversations about what it means to be a Muslim...

And we survived through the tough times.. him entering NS, me starting work when he was still a student...

We talked about our common future, our marriage, our family, even down to the bedsheets and wall colour.

But now I realise it was always... "in the future"... "in time to come".. "we're working towards".

And that's the thing - what exactly were we racing towards? This mythical future where everything will be perfect?

It's almost as if we turned a blind eye to whatever was happening NOW, to the relationship that was stagnating NOW, that our paths were diverting NOW.. because we both wanted to believe so badly that a better future lay ahead.

And I always thought that once F finished school, once he started working and earning money, that would be when our future started. It was supposed to be the next lap of the marathon. The comfortable, stable, happy lap.

But as we approached the finishing line of this first leg, I couldn't see the next lap happening. It was like running into a brick wall.

I was done. I was spent, I could go no further.

And like a desperate rat on a sinking ship, I did the next logical thing - I jumped ship.

I had been thinking, perhaps not consciously, of simply leaping into the water just to see what would happen.

But not having someone to catch me was terrifying, and kept me on the boat. I remember my SMU friend Angie once saying that women are afraid to leave long-term relationships because they're afraid there's no one else out there.

At that time, I disagreed furiously, because, well, we all like to think that we're independent women who can be single, right?

Guess I wasn't being entirely truthful.

So when ZW sailed up, I jumped.

Because he is what I need and want NOW, and as cheesy as it sounds, the world stopped being so gloomy. I stopped feeling depressed or morose for no good reason, and a simply message or MMS from him can cause my cheeks to hurt from smiling too much.

So even though I'm not sure if we're heading for an ice berg (ok, enough with the stupid ship metaphors, hur hur)...

I feel safe, and loved, and happy, and excited about life's adventures.

And that's enough for now.