Oh brother

Shit, did i just do what i think i just did?

Shit shit shit.

Now i'm gonna be on edge over the next few days.

I'm such a spazoid

I'm so not a long-distance relationship kinda girl

So the boyfriend is off in Japan for 8 days.. and we've been relying on Skype to stay in contact.

Let me just state now and forever that I will never be a long distance relationship kinda girl.

Seriously.

Not only does it suck that I can't simply meet up with him, it sucks even more that we have to rely on technology.

And boy, do I have a strong distaste for technology.

With F, our relationship degenerated into an sms-once-in-a-while situation. And with texts, you can't hear or see the emotion, the true intent behind the polite "haha" or "love you baby" (creature of habit, much?)

Thought things would be significantly better with Skype, what with pictures and stuff. Not quite.

I'm using an ancient camera that's low definition. And without a mike, I'm practically shouting at my computer. Throw in a patchy connection that requires me to shout and repeat, shout and repeat, add in a grumpy and tired boyfriend who's had little sleep... and you get a combustive mix.

It was pretty much a you-stare-at-me-stare-at-you thing. And we both logged off in a huff.

Argh, so annoying. Screw this.

Oh, and I bumped into Becky at NUS on Monday. She's F's good friend. I was a little shocked that she would greet me, much less say hi and chat with me for a bit. I refrained from asking about F because A) There were other people listening in on the conversation, B) she was so nice and I felt bad troubling her.

I always wonder how our mutual friends stand over the breakup. I knew that when F broke up with me, my KB friends despised him, the uni people were compassionate but largely indifferent as F was this entity that flitted in and out, and Wern cursed him like the great supportive girlfriend she is, bless her soul.

So at the back of my mind, I was wondering why Becky was so nice to me. Maybe she doesn't know the cause of our breakup? Maybe she really is (and she really is) a great and nice person?

Sigh, too complicated. Shall not dwell. It's getting easier these days to well.. not dwell and not mope over certain things. I guess time really is the answer. That, and enough trashy tv to wipe clean my mind.

A charming day

I wrote this yesterday but for some reason.. blogger didn't upload it. Here goes again:

 

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We went for a picnic at West Coast Park yesterday.

Perhaps a rather odd location, as it lacks the buzz and activities of East Coast and Pasir Ris.

But we had a charming time, despite the torrential downpour that stranded us in a Mac's that smelt like puke.

Good food (i cooked, ahem), perfectly breezy weather, and entertainment.

We watched kite enthusiasts attempt to fly kites with zero breeze. We made up stories, laughed at this people, or enjoyed a comfortable silence.

I think there's nothing like having your lover's head in your lap, with not a care in the world.

Hmm, now i really miss my darling...

Another farewell

Huh, the Zhao is off to Japan... Without me.

Yup, he's going on 2 Japan trips back-to-back. So disgusting right?

That's twice now that I've sent him off at the airport and been left behind... Sobz..

9th October cannot arrive any sooner.

Some memories hurt

It's like a snowball effect... You see something that triggers a memory, that then compels you to search further and you dig up memories that only serve to hurt even more.

Or in this case, inflict pain on myself.

F posted up pictures from jc time on fb. And there were 2 pics of the two of us.

We looked so young, so happy and so in love.

I don't understand why he did it. He took down every other photo of us. Why bother reminding himself of us, when there's no more "us"?

I took to reading my old blog entries, circa 2005. I was apparently so happy... But the thing is, i don't even remember some of the things that i wrote about.

Did we really share such a memory? Did we really have such a moment? Do i even recognise the Joanne who was writing about such things?

Sure, even then i was plagued by questions of religion. But i sounded SO DAMN SURE that everything was going to be for the better.

I don't regret ending a relationship that was already in my mind, on the decline.

But the romantic in me regrets that such a love had to end, that life really isn't like in fairy tales.

And i love ZW, i really do. But there's also a part of me that is fearful. Fearful that i don't know how to sustain a relationship. Fearful that if this doesn't work out, the romantic in me would be too bruised to ever recover.

To ever believe again that i can have a happily ever after.

Some memories hurt

It's like a snowball effect... You see something that triggers a memory, that then compels you to search further and you dig up memories that only serve to hurt even more.

Or in this case, inflict pain on myself.

F posted up pictures from jc time on fb. And there were 2 pics with of the two of us.

We looked so young, so happy and so in love.

I don't understand why he did it. He took down every other photo of us. Why bother reminding himself of us, when there's no more "us"?

I then took to reading my old blog entries, circa 2005. I was apparently so happy... But the thing is, i don't even remember some of the things that i wrote about.

Did we really share such a memory? Did we really have such a moment?

Sure, even then i was plagued by questions of religion. But i sounded SO DAMN SURE that everything was going to be for the better.

I don't regret ending a relationship that was already in my mind, on the decline.

But the romantic in me regrets that such a love had to end, that life really isn't like in fairy tales .

OMG OMG OMG OMG

How can I wait an entire month before I head off to Japan with the Zhao???

And let's just say the planning experience has been... different.

Usually, I'm the one who does all the detailing, the sorting out of day-to-day activities...

But the Zhao was not having any of it. He planned our entire 2-week trip!!! Buses and stations and all!

We're heading to Tokyo, Nikko and Aomori. And at Nikko, we are staying at this AMAZING ryokan, with an outdoor bathtub facing the nature wonderland.

I THINK I'M GOING TO DIE OF ANTICIPATION. The experience promises to blow our minds away: onsen, japanese-style room, and elegant, elaborate dining.

Unfortunately, it's so bloody expensive we're only staying 1 night. But still!

OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG.

There's nothing like...

Waking up to your loved one in the morning.

When I'm still in that sleep-induced state, brain not fully operational... and I turn over and see him. With his defences down, foreheard smooth and not furrowed in deep thought. Innocent.

Sometimes I wake up in his arms, other times I have to turn over and worm my way back into that warm cacoon. And he's always obliging, always ready to wrap his arms around me.

And it feels like the safest place in the world.

Teouble is, we usually end up running late when we bunk together. HAHA.

This Friday...

Is Hari Raya. I didn't even realise until Pei Won pointed it out to me.

In between work, ZW's trip and just daily living, i had clean forgotten. Lost track of time.

As Wen puts it, i have no reason to find the day significant anymore.

In all likelihood, i'd be working.. Even if i wasn't, it'd just be another public holiday...

So why do i feel so crummy for forgetting? Like it should be part of my dna, and by forgetting, i'm a really bad person?

Guess i'm thinking too much. Actually, it might help if i really do forgot it's significance.

What's the point of beating myself up now that it's over?

Sigh

Well, the Zhao is off to Pakistan to be a war journo.. Or not.

Despite there being destruction, disease, pain and violence, and despite my reservations, i couldn't say no.

As a fellow journo, i can understand the desire to see outside of Singapore, the lure of being thrown into utter chaos, surviving on your wits and witnessing something that's both horrifying but also appealing as a writer.

As one professional to another, how could i have denied him this chance? If someone gave me a plane ticket, i might have hopped on too.

So although the girlfriend part of me is terrified and worried and sickened with fear... I couldn't stop him.

He did say that if i expressed great opposition, he would pull out. I thought about it, but in the end, i just couldn't do it.

I can't wait for Tuesday to roll around...