Life Can Take Many Unexpected Twists

Had a moment of reflection this morning, in the most unexpected of places.

I was swimming in a private bay that belongs to the Ritz Carlton in Bahrain, where I'm currently stationed for the week for work.

So there I was, all alone on this gorgeous beach, surrounded by blue green water, with the towering Bahrain financial centre in the distance.

I looked up into the azure sky, and it suddenly hit me how strange this all was.

If you had asked me at the start of this year to predict how my life would be like for 2010, my wildest guess probably wouldn't have come close to taking an overseas working trip to Bahrain.

Who would have thought that my life would change so much in just 11 months. I ended an 8-year relationship which at one point, I thought would have led to marriage and a total life-changer.

I started a new relationship in the strangest of ways - meeting a stranger in a foreign land and tumbling head over heels in a matter of days.

My bosses appear to trust me with more responsibilities - which may or may not be a good thing (hah).

I travelled more in this past year than the last few years combined.

And now I'm staying at the Ritz Carlton for one whole damn week.

Can I just say how trippy the Middle East is?

Being part of the President's entourage has been an eye-opener. Traffic being stopped for the escorted motorcade, being driven around in a BMW, complete with beefy, scary, hilarious Arab driver, meeting kings and princes... just crazy.

So when I say life can taken many unexpected twists... all i can is, go with it. You never know just how far from home you can get.

Hello from Bahrain!

Arrived relatively early and thanks to a serious stroke of luck, I'm staying at the best hotel in the state, breezed through the vip clearance at the airport and am now just settling in.

Not that I was a total bum, I tested the equipment and everything is up and running ok!

My cameraman rocks, the internet is smooth.. now I just need to make sure that the ol' noggin doesn't fail me.

Meanwhile, since the VVIP is not here yet.. think I shall go take a spin at the pool... wheee!!

High School Never Really Ends

The stereotypes, the cliches, the cliques... it never goes away. From school to work, you can just as easily pick out certain types or fall into a certain category.

The hot girl with the hair toss, the overachieving guy whom everyone laughs at, the bad boy who brings the booze, the sagely one who oversees from afar, the ditz, the fat one, the blur one... and so on.

Whispered exchanges in the corridors, girls sitting around talking about relationships, guys high-fiving each other when their football team wins...

Tears, anger, backstabbing, yelling... it all just makes for a normal day at work.

Seriously, with all the hormones running around, it's a wonder we get any work done.

And I'm Off Again...

This time to Bahrain. For work. Leaving on Saturday.

When I first had the notion that this was going to be my travel year, I never envisaged it being THIS crazy.

Just a short 5-day jaunt. But it's my first tv thingy, so rather stressed out.

I pray nothing goes wrong.

Oh, and life has picked up again. I guess it's really true. When you feel down in the dumps and like life is pissing rain on you.. somehow, things do come around.

Looking forward to Christmas!

depressed

Things are not going well. On any front.

The best and worst gift ever

As much as i hate being alone, i occasionally enjoy the odd moment of being a recluse.

Shutting myself in my room, turning on the a/c, snuggling under the covers and watch endless tv.

I'm a huge tv addict. American tv to be exact. I can spend hours mesmerised by what's in front of me.

Unfortunately, a lot of the stuff is not available in Singapore (damn lousy cabLe).

No matter,there's always Internet streaming.

But therein lies another problem - it's difficult to find a good link, it stops halfway or takes forever to load.

Just 2 days ago, ZW witnessed the level of my madness when i stayed up till 4am trying to load a damn episode of Vampire Diaries (no judging, the guys are really hot ok?)

Being the bestest, he gave me possibly one of the best presents ever - paid subscription to a streaming website - thinking that it'd solve my agony.

Except that it hasn't really. I'm not sleeping any earlier cos now i'm watching MORE shows. I'm even trying to watch before i start work.

Goodbye world, hello laptop.

Seriously, who the heck would want to go to work and face people you can't stand, doing work that's uninspiring, when i can veg out in my pjs?

Six

Without fanfare, our 6-month anniversary passed over us.

Has it really been half a year already? Has time moved so quickly?

We didn't celebrate... We were both working - me night shift, him graveyard... And we both kinda forgot the date even.

Oh well.

But what a six months.

While i'd like to report that things have been moving without a hitch, life alas, is not quite a fairytale.

As much as i'm still very young (ahem), my take on a relationship is less starry eyed, and dare i say it, more realistic.

Japan was a great experience not just cos it was fun, but it really showed what a life together meant, being together all the time.

I think it helped me stop being so clingy, becos i learnt the value of time apart. To have time to cool down after a fight, to have time to do your own thing without having to plan around someone else's needs and wants. Just enjoying being alone.

I admit - i'm a needy chick. I'm an emotional wreck and it can drive a person nuts with my need for reassurance.

At one point in our japan trip, we both reached a point where we were sick of being around each other so much we both agreed that we needed a short timeout to do our own thing.

And i think that was a healthy development. To admit that we didn't need to be around each other ALL THE TIME.

If i really want this to work, i need to know and feel that i'd be ok alone. That i don't need constant reminders to feel secure.

I'm not perfect, but i'm getting there.

So thanks for being patient baby, and happy anniversary. :)

Amazing Japan

It's been a little over 2 weeks since I came back from Japan and it's starting to feel like a dream, a glorious, techni-colour dream.

I'd visited Japan on 2 previous occasions. And while those experiences were lovely, travelling with someone who understands the language and culture opens up a whole new dimension.

I finally felt like I could travel previously unexplored territory. Of course, this meant great frustration on ZW's part cos he was my translator. For those who know me, I fire off ten billion questions at a time. Trying to translate and ask questions on my behalf nearly drove him nuts. But that's the perk of him being my boyfriend. He CAN'T stay mad for long. HAHA.

Yes, we fought. I cried, screamed, yelled at him in public.. but we also laughed, loved and experienced joy together. So the good with the bad yeah?

Instead of trying to recreate my entire holiday (who wants to read that?)... here's my top 5 moments instead.

It's almost impossible to condense everything, but I tried.

Oh, and I wanted to put "wearing hairbands and not looking like a prick" as one of the entries, but felt it might be too bimbo.

Here's a picture anyway.

MY TOP FIVE JAPAN 2010 MOMENTS:

5. Eating great food.


1. Giant tempura rice bowl, Asakusa
2. Kaiseki meal at Shikisai, Nikko

How can a trip to Japan be complete without great food? From a quick run to the convenience store for piping hot oden, to street food takoyaki, to meticulously prepared kaiseki meal... every morsel tastes like love and attention has been put into it.

4. Apple picking.


Apple picking in Hirosaki

The apple park is impossibly happy. Kids laughing, idyllic walks through the apple trees, the smell of apple perfuming the air. Apple-related merchandise, food, the best apple ice cream in the world. We could have spent the whole day at the park, just sitting and watching the world go by.

3. Experiencing nature



1. One of 12 lakes in Juniko
2. Red leaves in Towadako
3. Oirase stream in Towadako

I've never been much of a nature girl but ZW is mad for it. So I often found myself huffing and puffing after him. Up mountain trails, through primary forests, circling sparkling blue lakes, freezing at a swamp.

But it was oh-so-worth-it. Some of the scenery I saw was heartachingly beautiful and the sometimes arduous trek only made it even better. Brilliantly clear lakes, shockingly green leaves and the ever elusive autumn colours were a sight to behold.

Only time I came close to losing it was when I asked ZW if I needed to wear boots for one leg, and he vaguely said no need cos it's mainly boardwalks. I even showed him my white shoes and he said it's fine. Luckily I stuck to boots because we ended up trekking TWO HOURS IN A DESERTED FOREST.

2. Onsening my way through some really great places.

Outdoor onsen at Michinoku, Shirakami

When ZW first suggested we go for onsens or hot spring baths, I had my reservations. As much as I'm not a prude, I wasn't about to walk about in mixed baths with my bits exposed for all the gross men to see. And much less, I didn't want to see other people's bits.

But the experience is simply worth the initial mental trauma. Mixed baths were still a no-no, but soaking in a pool of scalding hot water after freezing the whole day is sheer bliss. It's like comfort washes over you and you're forced to relax as your bones and muscles turn to puddle. And we're all women, boobs and pubic hair are really just... boobs and pubic hair. And it's rude to stare.

Besides, it's made me more comfortable in front of the camera. Hey, once you've stripped for other people, nothing fazes you.

1. Travelling with ZW.

Dandelion field in front of a museum, Aomori

He's never too tired to hug or kiss me, to offer a smile, or take care of me. Sure, he has his moments and is known to yell.

But he's the same guy who would patiently wait as I debate with myself for the umpteenth time if i should buy a pink camera pouch, check train timings late into the night while I've already snuggled deep under the covers, look on expectantly as I try out his food recommendations, and listen to me babble on about everything under the sun.

I'm happy & monday won't get me down

Katy Perry - Teenage Dream (song in my head)

You think I'm pretty without any make-up on

You think I'm funny when I tell the punch line wrong

I know you get me, so I let my walls come down, down

Before you met me, I was a wreck

But things were kinda heavy, you brought me to life

Now every February you'll be my valentine, valentine

Let's go all the way tonight

No regrets, just love

We can dance until we die

You and I, we'll be young forever

You make me feel like I'm living a teenage dream

The way you turn me on, I can't sleep

Let's runaway and don't ever look back

Don't ever look back

My heart stops when you look at me

Just one touch, now baby I believe

This is real, so take a chance

And don't ever look back, don't ever look back

We drove to Cali and got drunk on the beach

Got a motel and built a floor out of sheets

I finally found you, my missing puzzle piece

I'm complete

Let's go all the way tonight

No regrets, just love

We can dance until we die

You and I, we'll be young forever

You make me feel like I'm living a teenage dream

The way you turn me on, I can't sleep

Let's runaway and don't ever look back

Don't ever look back

My heart stops when you look at me

Just one touch, now baby I believe

This is real, so take a chance

And don't ever look back, don't ever look back

I'ma get your heart racing in my skin-tight jeans

Be your teenage dream tonight

Let you put your hands on me in my skin-tight jeans

Be your teenage dream tonight

You make me feel like I'm living a teenage dream

The way you turn me on, I can't sleep

Let's runaway and don't ever look back

Don't ever look back

My heart stops when you look at me

Just one touch, now baby I believe

This is real, so take a chance

And don't ever look back, don't ever look back

I'ma get your heart racing in my skin-tight jeans

Be your teenage dream tonight

Let you put your hands on me in my skin-tight jeans

Be your teenage dream tonight

I'm such an idiot

For the longest time, I figured no one reads my blog, cos I never receive any comments.

Turns out, I do receive comments, I just DON'T REALISE IT.

Apparently, blogger has been sending notifications of new comments posted to my old SMU email account.

Seeing how I haven't accessed that account since I started work...

Erm... sorry commentors. I'd try harder.

What are we rushing for?

In life, some people are always pushing to accomplish something, rushing towards some pre-determined goal.

Every second is precious and every second not spent on trying to achieve your goal is a second wasted.

I'm not like that at all. I think i'm already so harrassed by work that i spend every non-work minute trying NOT to think, trying not to plan.

Because i'm forced to plan every second of my work. From the moment i start work, and this refers to the moment i hop onto the cab for my assignment.. I'm already planning.

Planning what to say, whom to interview, how to compose my story, how to optimise every minute so that i can meet daily deadlines, serve all platforms, and still go home on time.

Just today, i was harrassed by a comms person about what i wanted to ask a potential interviewee. This, after not giving the reporters any time to formulate a thought following the end of a briefing.

She kept harrassing and harrassing until i snapped and asked for a second to think and collect my thoughts.

So i'm incredibly possesive of my downtime to unwind after a day of being on edge.

It's critical to my well-being and sanity.

And i react violently to suggestions that i'm not living my life in a fulfilling manner simply because i'm not rushing to accomplish something.

I happen to like vegging out in front of mind-wasting tv.

I happen to like spending time catching up with my friends and family.

I happen to like not having to stress over my life and worry, worry, worry that i don't have a 'target' that i'm working towards.

I think the whole 'need to rush' feeling is a by-product of feeling one's mortality too keenly. That life is going to pass by too quickly. That you haven't left your mark on the world.

Me? I don't worry about that. I rather leave a strong impression on my loved ones, and know that they remember me fondly.

And that i also remembered to love myself, and not constantly have my panties in a bunch.

Apologies for the babble rant. Incredibly sleepy but also needed to get something off my chest.

Ok i'm done.

You know what really sucks?

Two journos with irregular working hours attempting to have a relationship, that's what.

Ever since coming back from Japan, I feel like I've hardly had time to talk to ZW, much less meet up with him.

After 2 weeks of being around him 24/7 and having my every squeak, sigh and pout commented on, I miss his constant presence, as stalkerish as that may sound.

It's weird not being able to reach over and loop his arm around my shoulder. It sucks that our conversations don't take place face-to-face, where we can see each other's facial expressions.. and instead, have to rely on phones and google chat to act as our go-between.

Our schedules are totally unfriendly. When I'm on morning shift, he's at night. When I'm on night shift, he's in the morning.

My weekends are burned.. and he usually doesn't get weekdays off.

So much so that it's a Friday night, I'm at home cos I have to work tomorrow.. and my poor boyfriend is dragging his tired ass over to my house so that we can spend a little time together.. seeing how I have to work 13 hours tomorrow and go into the office on Sunday morning.

Lovely, just lovely.

New Blog Skin

Just felt a change was in order.

My last blog skin was all black, the header picture was moody.. and reflected a different Joanne. A Joanne who needed change, who was restless, who was expecting something, but not quite sure what.

Well, I think I'm in a different place now.

A lot lighter (pity not physically, sigh), a lot more cheery.

Hence, a happier blogskin is called for.

Still a few kinks, but I'm getting there.

Still a dreamer, still longing to be a traveller. But also enjoying the joys of being a lover. :)

Pseudo art critic for the day

At a media preview for the Lion King Musical!

Debuting March 2011 at the Marina Bay Sands...

Not sure how this is news, but as a casual bystander, i'm excited!

I'm Back!

And depressed. I want to be back in Japan.

I've always loved Japan - the food, the fashion, the anything goes kinda attitude. Sure, it's not perfect - the repressed natures, the train suicides, the pressure to perform... but hey, who's perfect?

Anyway, being back in Japan, this time with someone who understands and has lived the culture... is a totally different experience. It's like I'm finally seeing a country not as a tourist, but as a part of it. It's like on some level, I merged a little into the current and became part of the flow.

Hope to get pictures up soon!

Japan in T minus...

Yes, it's finally here!!! Just met the Zhao to get our train tickets... It's really happening!

There's this nervous mix of anticipation and anxiety. I've never travelled so long with him before.

Bali doesn't count cos it was only 2 days, plus there's not muuch planning or running around involved.

But 2 weeks in japan? The dynamics are going to be interesting. Will we argue (probably)? Will there be misunderstandings (count on it)? But will be also have a fantabulous time? Oh yeah baby.

Closure

I suppose i finally got some answers. Some i already knew, some, i had chosen to ignore.

In the 5 months since i broke up with F, i never got over the feeling of guilt. Sure, i was euphorically in love, but there was a part of me that was also in pain. ZW warned me that the guilt could overwhelm our relationship and i swore it wouldn't. And i suppressed it.

But in the past week, those feelings bubbled up and in a fit of despair, i emailed Fadz. A long, blabbering email that was part apology, part therapy, and part plea for answers.

That's how i found out that he reads my blog. Ironically, when we were together, he never cared to read my blog or find out what i was thinking. But when we were apart, he became a blog stalker.

Anyway, he texted me to "stop being on edge".. And i was like fuck it, i'm calling him.

We talked for over an hour - almost like catching up with an old friend.

He told me he wasn't mad, that he got over being bitter, that yes, our relationship had run its course. And he had moved on (and i do mean, moved on).

For the first time in a long while, i found myself listening more than talking. F said he had been meaning to contact me, to tell me he's ok. But he never did.

(on a side note: thanks ah! For letting me go on being a martyr and hating on myself! But i guess although you didn't hate me, it didn't mean you had to make it easy either.)

We both agreed that the spark had died out a long time ago, and we were blindly chasing after something. Our ideal something.

He said i loved him more than he loved me (ohh, that one hurt), and he simply couldn't match up to what i wanted and needed.

His words felt like pricks into this wall of strength i had developed, but also filled a lot of gaps.

I guess i did try to mould him into what i wanted. In the beginning, perhaps he was willing to go along, being his first love. But as he gained confidence in himself, i became a shackle.

Meanwhile, i felt him distancing and instead of growing a backbone, i hang on. I guess it was inevitable he would fall for someone else.

At that point, i think it hurt so much not because i loved him so much (sure, there was that), but because he had become such a constant in my life and i couldn't deal with the upheaval.

We got back together eventually, which may or may not have been the right thing to do. I mean, everytime something goes wrong, he throws up a wall. I batter away at it and sometimes it works and things become good again. But it's always a stop gap solution.

So when we got back together, We both pledged that we'd try. Try to be what the other needed and wanted. As if we could really change.

What idiots we were. People don't change.

And we did accomplish that to a certain degree. We chose to tip toe around each other. Ignoring differences. You know, i don't think we fought in our last 3 years together. Not because we finally understood each other, but because we stopped caring about progressing the relationship and just wanted peace.

With my trust broken, i think i took a piece of my heart and locked it up. As if i was expecting to be hurt again, i took that piece of me and kept it safe. F couldn't hurt me again; but at the same time, i could never be so dedicated and let him in completely again.

And our relationship stopped being a thing of joy and support. We were perhaps happy, and comfortable.

Like wearing my favourite shoes. It's slightly dirty, perhaps a bit stinky, but it's comfortable and familiar.

And then ZW came along. And ignited that part of me which had laid dormant. The me who needed romance, and words and gestures. The me who needed someone unafraid to declare his feelings, both good and bad. The me who preferred to talk (shout) things out instead of keeping mum and letting ill feelings fester. The me who needed someone who recognised that for all my tough talking, i really was a bundle of insecurities who just wanted to be cuddled. Not condescended towards, cuddled.

Maybe that's why it was so easy to walk out on an 8-year relationship. People didn't understand, but i knew i was ready.

And by his own admission, so did F. He said he didn't blame me, nor was he entirely surprised.

Yes he was bitter, but i do believe that stems from being dumped, rather than losing me. And i say this factually.

Because in all honesty, this was bound to happen. And sorry, but based on track records, it could just have easily been him. I simply beat him to it.

And that's also why he healed rather quickly. Because there wasn't much to heal from. As he described it, ours had become a tainted love. And i do think he enjoyed occasionally hurting me, and me him, because it really was twisted. Or rather, we wanted to feel something other than restraints.

So yes, it did hurt hearing the bald truth, but it was the last piece of the puzzle that had to be resolved. The 17-year-old joanne had to recognise that the 17-year-old fadzli that she loved and adored was no more. That we had grown up and that unshakable faith that everything was going to work out... Well.. I guess not.

I was afraid to let go of that last piece because it truly, and irrevocably, meant the end.

At least we walk away with hopefully some wisdom. He, that it's dangerous and destructive to build walls. Me, that i am actually needy and i need to love a person for who he is, and not what i want. And trust once broken, is impossible to restore. And to have fucking backbone.

So to my dearest darling Zhaowei, thank you. Thank you for being who you are. Yes, you are not perfect (come on, you have to admit it! Haha), but you make me happy, and i think i make you happy too. And not just the wow-that's-a-cute-balloon happy, but the knees weak, hearting pounding kinda happy.

I love you and you're my Zeus. ;) (inside joke)

Oh brother

Shit, did i just do what i think i just did?

Shit shit shit.

Now i'm gonna be on edge over the next few days.

I'm such a spazoid

I'm so not a long-distance relationship kinda girl

So the boyfriend is off in Japan for 8 days.. and we've been relying on Skype to stay in contact.

Let me just state now and forever that I will never be a long distance relationship kinda girl.

Seriously.

Not only does it suck that I can't simply meet up with him, it sucks even more that we have to rely on technology.

And boy, do I have a strong distaste for technology.

With F, our relationship degenerated into an sms-once-in-a-while situation. And with texts, you can't hear or see the emotion, the true intent behind the polite "haha" or "love you baby" (creature of habit, much?)

Thought things would be significantly better with Skype, what with pictures and stuff. Not quite.

I'm using an ancient camera that's low definition. And without a mike, I'm practically shouting at my computer. Throw in a patchy connection that requires me to shout and repeat, shout and repeat, add in a grumpy and tired boyfriend who's had little sleep... and you get a combustive mix.

It was pretty much a you-stare-at-me-stare-at-you thing. And we both logged off in a huff.

Argh, so annoying. Screw this.

Oh, and I bumped into Becky at NUS on Monday. She's F's good friend. I was a little shocked that she would greet me, much less say hi and chat with me for a bit. I refrained from asking about F because A) There were other people listening in on the conversation, B) she was so nice and I felt bad troubling her.

I always wonder how our mutual friends stand over the breakup. I knew that when F broke up with me, my KB friends despised him, the uni people were compassionate but largely indifferent as F was this entity that flitted in and out, and Wern cursed him like the great supportive girlfriend she is, bless her soul.

So at the back of my mind, I was wondering why Becky was so nice to me. Maybe she doesn't know the cause of our breakup? Maybe she really is (and she really is) a great and nice person?

Sigh, too complicated. Shall not dwell. It's getting easier these days to well.. not dwell and not mope over certain things. I guess time really is the answer. That, and enough trashy tv to wipe clean my mind.

A charming day

I wrote this yesterday but for some reason.. blogger didn't upload it. Here goes again:

 

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We went for a picnic at West Coast Park yesterday.

Perhaps a rather odd location, as it lacks the buzz and activities of East Coast and Pasir Ris.

But we had a charming time, despite the torrential downpour that stranded us in a Mac's that smelt like puke.

Good food (i cooked, ahem), perfectly breezy weather, and entertainment.

We watched kite enthusiasts attempt to fly kites with zero breeze. We made up stories, laughed at this people, or enjoyed a comfortable silence.

I think there's nothing like having your lover's head in your lap, with not a care in the world.

Hmm, now i really miss my darling...