:)

The meeting with the family wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be. In fact, I think my family was downright charming in our normal screwball way, and ZW was thankfully, put at ease.

Guess the Awfully Chocolate Cake was the perfect bribe.

Full, contented and loved. Life's good. :)

Here's a photo for the curious. I took it on one of our earlier dates and I dunno, I guess I love his expression.



Yeah, I know his eyes are small.

Welcome to my life

So ZW met Kristin, Sylvia and Shawn last night.

And I must say it was a little... awkward.

Unlike the meeting with Gerrie and Jiamei, where the alcohol had already been flowing and everyone was merrily buzzed by the time ZW arrive, this get-together was done entirely sober.

I suppose it's too much to expect that everyone would be instantly comfortable and talking freely with ZW.

And I can't assume that everyone is entirely ok with the situation.

Shawn has taken on a slightly hostile stance. I wouldn't say he's rude.. just stand-offish perhaps? So unless his normal warm self.

Kristin says he's just being a daddy and protective of me. Huh. I'm like how old already, can? Tried to make a joke out of it, but only elicited dead silence.

And the last time I saw Kristin, I was with a different guy -_-'' We did laugh about that, albeit nervously.

So being me, I tried to over-compensate and started chattering away like a monkey. Didn't work either. Sigh.

Next time perhaps. Right, guys? There will be a next time????

Anyway, ZW is coming over to my house for a family dinner tomorrow. That should be fun. He's already met the parents, but in a "hi-i'm-taking-your-daughter-out-for-her-birthday" kinda meeting.

This time, however, will be the full works. Whole family present, seated around the family table, for a couple of hours at least, with hot soup (steamboat) between us.

I'm getting a bit nervous, quite honestly.

AND DEAR READERS (all 2 of you), YOU CAN'T STOP READING FROM THIS POINT ON COS I FEEL A GUSHFEST COMING ON AND YOU MIGHT SERIOUSLY BARF.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

It's been slightly more than 20 days since we officially got together. And I can only describe the feeling as... magical.

There's been surprisingly little awkwardness between us. Sure, I knew we have chemistry, but I didn't think things would fall into place this easily. Sometimes, it feels like he's been walking beside me forever.

He makes me incredibly happy because he's funny, and lame, and sweet and yet, so.... male.

There's this arrogance about him that's both frustrating and so charming. He always wants things his way, and yet, when he yields, it feels like my heart just melts a thousand times over.

He speaks a foreign language - Japanese - and even though I have no either what he's whispering in my ear.. it just sends a tingle down my spine.

And I'm sure you guys know I'm no delicate flower, and yet, I sometimes find myself feeling so utterly vulnerable and... feminine around him.

I love stroking his face. As much as it irks me that his skin is a billion times better than mine, I love having my own personal, warm satin blanket. Yup, that's how it feels when he wraps his arms around me.

Sure, it's not been all smooth sailing.. and there have been a couple of petty arguments and minor disagreements.

It's moments like these that I get a closer glimpse at the person ZW is. Sometimes, it scares me because what I think is a small thing can set him off big time.

And he would throw up this wall between us and refuse to look at me and start fiddling with his Blackberry.

Which sucks. And with a temper like mine, patience is most certainly not a virtue.

And I find myself caught between two options - to be coldly logical and ask him to snap out of it, or swallow some of that rush of anger and try to work things out.

Surprisingly, I've found myself choosing the latter. Maybe cos I'm using the one causing the misunderstanding.

I wonder how I would react when it's the other way around. Hmmm... or it must be lluurrrvvee. Haha..

Ok, I shall end here. Starting to ramble anyway. Huh, I write coherent angsty posts, but my thought process is less clear when I'm happy. Wonder what that says about me.

A Quarter of a Century (Super long, wordy entry cos the older I get, the more long-winded I become!)

Last year, I was furiously scheduling friends, family and boyfriend into a super-duper deluxe birthday week that saw me partying and eating from one end to the other.

Theme: fabulosity.

This year... recent upheavals in my life taught me how to appreciate quiet moments. So the birthday week was all about spending time with loved ones, with simply dinners and enjoying each other's company.

So it was penciling in and moving around friends, family and (new) boyfriend (hur hur, ok bad joke) to fit my schedule.

In fact, I think many outings weren't even celebrations, more like, it just happened around my birthday. -_-'''

Anyway, I'd take it. Good company, good food, good times.

Flew back from Hong Kong on the 19th. Enjoyed the birthday getaway with the mum, and the gluttony started early.

Attended the MediaCorp News Awards on Friday, got nominated for Young Journo of the Year but alas, lost to the print reporter (wasn't expecting to win anyway).

At least the buffet after the awards was good; had a little too much to drink and gulped down two glasses on an empty stomach (in my defense, I was thirsty), and a third just to get things on the way.

Headed off to Que Pasa with colleagues Gerrie and Jiamei for a night of good food (pizza and chicken wings that can cause an orgasm!!) and more wine (wheee.. another half a bottle!)

I blame the alcohol overload on sheer nervousness. Cos G & JM wanted to meet Zhao Wei. I practically badgered the poor boy to come meet us even though he had worked a really, really long day.

Let's just attribute the anxiety to the fact that JM was decidedly hostile; she never really approved of my actions. She was all set to grill him, and boy, she sure didn't hold back.

I'm proud to say that ZW held his ground and wasn't intimidated. At the end of the night, I'd even say JM thawed out a little. And I know G gave him the thumb's up.

Met half the KB gang on Saturday for dinner. Headed over the Gyu-Kaku at Chijmes and drowned ourselves in bbq meat. As Pei Wen put it, could feel our arteries clogging up.

And we washed it down with peanut butter chocolate shakes at Max Brenner. Seriously, right?

Sunday was a major outing. Cos ZW had planned a whole day of festivities. And he met the parents for the first time (boy, was that awkward).

I knew he had some major game up his sleeves, but boy, I sure wasn't expecting him to pull the rug out from under my feet.

He came bright and early to my door at 10.30am.. Carrying a major plastic bag with two items. I had asked for a framed photograph (cos he's a photog) to hang above my bed, so that was expected.

But he pulled out the other item first... a red breakfast table.

ZW explained that since I didn't have a proper table to work at, and was oftened hunched over my laptop while sitting on the bed, the table would be more comfy as I can lean back. And it's true, I'm using it to type this right now, while leaning back against my pillows.

Well, very thoughtful... but I was having a hard time expressing the appropriate feeling cos well.. it's a breakfast table (sorry baby!).

I wanted my real present! He then pulled out this framed photo of hearts. It's difficult to describe, and I wish I could post photos, but they're all in my handphone and I lost the transfer cable!

Anyway, it's a collage of 25 hearts to represent my age.. and it's so incredibly difficult to describe.. think pictures of... a heart made of nutella on a piece of bread.. or a chalk drawn heart on a black background..

Man, I'm doing a terrible job of describing the photos, and if you guys think it's incredibly cheesy.. screw you! The photos are damn nice!

We then headed out for lunch at Oriole at 313@ Somerset.. On the way there, ZW casually took my hand and commented that I didn't wear rings.

Cue flippant comment from me like "Oh, I have a whole collection of chunky rings, but I don't really like them anymore." He then pulled out a mid-sized ring from his bag.. of this incredibly cute red camera. But I'm sad to report that Mr Lin subsequent broke the ring while holding my hand. @_@

Lunch was good, followed by a movie.. Heard of Snow Prince? Neither had I. But the show was surprisingly good, the cinematography so sweeping that it nearly made me weep, and a tragic story line that really made me cry.

And then things took a little funny twist. We stepped out of the cinema, and spotted those UFO catcher machines. My eyes fell on this incredibly adorable Doraemon doll and I casually challenged ZW to win it for me. (Inside joke)

And he actually did. I was like, you mean people actually win? I even asked him if he rigged the whole thing.. HAHA

We then walked around a little.. which was apparently a diversion tactic cos I had early guessed our dinner location. He brought me to Morton's for steak.

I know. How extravagant, right? I had once mentioned that my fave food in the world was steak, and no one did steak like Morton's. And ZW remembered. Cue jaw dropping.

And Morton's is fabulous. They printed special menus with my name on it, and I was greeted by name by all the servers... Service was impeccable.

The man started ordering like no tomorrow.. think Alaskan King Crab legs, steak, asparagus, salad, chocolate cake...

Mid-way through, he turned to me and pulled out a little powder blue bag. Yes, a Tiffany bag.

At this point, I think I was just overwhelmed by all the gestures and effort that he put in and blurted out that I could not accept his gift.

He reassured me that it was definitely not a ring.. But still!!! I've known the dude for like what.. a month?? I'm not sure if I can articulate the feeling, but it just felt too much, too extravagant, and too soon.

All these grand gestures, that although were greatly appreciated.. also felt a little inappropriate. I'm a simple girl! And such things are reserved for what.. at least the 6-month mark?

Haha, anyway, let's just say the night took an uncomfortable turn that could have been disastrous because my attitude was obviously not what ZW was expecting.

But he's just amazing lah. His thought process? He just wanted to make me happy. And I was, I am.. just.. unsure of how to respond in such a situation.

After the little hiccup, we didn't know where to go as the weather was too darn hot, we were too darn full, and plonked ourselves on the couch outside Morton's.

ZW had a final surprise for me. At first, he was a little hesitant to pass me my final present, after my last violent reaction. But I had recovered and asked for it.

Knowing what a Glee fanatic I am, he pulled out a final gift - the soundtrack of the Glee Madonna episode.

The icing on the cake? ZW actually brought along a CD player just in case I wanted to listen to the CD on the spot. I actually dropped the CD in pure, unadulated shock.

So yeah.. that was my birthday eve celebration.

Anyway, rounded up the celebrations with an excellent Italian dinner with the family at Etna on actual birthday. Ate too much as usual. And still the mum insisted I drink a bottle of bird's nest. Tsk tsk.

All in all, another great birthday.

Saying goodbye to a grand love

I finally cried. Was wondering when, and if, that would ever happen. Guess I got my answer.

And it was in the strangest of circumstances. I was on the bus en-route to the Hong Kong airport to fly back to Singapore.

Had a pleasant enough holiday with the mum, and I was settling into the hour-long journey by turning on the ipod.

Flicked through songs and settled on Kelly Clarkson's "Already Gone". Why? I have no idea. But I knew that F posted the song on his facebook wall days after we broke up.

And as I was listening to the lyrics, tears started welling up and poured down my face. I tried to keep as quiet and silent as possible, so as to not freak out my mum.

Hope she didn't notice. I was barely breathing at that point. Guess the huge shades helped, as did the early morning grogginess.

The tears lasted for the duration of the song. And then I stopped.

I dunno why I started crying. Maybe cos everything that F wanted to say, or couldn't say, was summed up in the song.

I could practically feel him enunciating every word. And now I understand why he didn't fight for me.

Because it truly, and honestly is over. Fadz + Jo are no more. We've hurt each other so much, so deep, there's simply no going back. The poison has permeated too deeply.

I think the worst thing throughout this entire experience is that.. I know he tried his best, or to the best of his ability to love me.

And it still wasn't enough.

Ultimately, there were some things that could not be changed, and trust issues that could not be overcomed, even with love. This breakup was simply a time bomb waiting to ignite, and I pulled the pin.

And it really was a grand love, my first love.

I thought our love could surmount any difficulty. We stood in the face of parental disapproval, racial and religious differences. I endured countless "minah and ahmad" jokes, endless prodding about converting, hours of conversations about what it means to be a Muslim...

And we survived through the tough times.. him entering NS, me starting work when he was still a student...

We talked about our common future, our marriage, our family, even down to the bedsheets and wall colour.

But now I realise it was always... "in the future"... "in time to come".. "we're working towards".

And that's the thing - what exactly were we racing towards? This mythical future where everything will be perfect?

It's almost as if we turned a blind eye to whatever was happening NOW, to the relationship that was stagnating NOW, that our paths were diverting NOW.. because we both wanted to believe so badly that a better future lay ahead.

And I always thought that once F finished school, once he started working and earning money, that would be when our future started. It was supposed to be the next lap of the marathon. The comfortable, stable, happy lap.

But as we approached the finishing line of this first leg, I couldn't see the next lap happening. It was like running into a brick wall.

I was done. I was spent, I could go no further.

And like a desperate rat on a sinking ship, I did the next logical thing - I jumped ship.

I had been thinking, perhaps not consciously, of simply leaping into the water just to see what would happen.

But not having someone to catch me was terrifying, and kept me on the boat. I remember my SMU friend Angie once saying that women are afraid to leave long-term relationships because they're afraid there's no one else out there.

At that time, I disagreed furiously, because, well, we all like to think that we're independent women who can be single, right?

Guess I wasn't being entirely truthful.

So when ZW sailed up, I jumped.

Because he is what I need and want NOW, and as cheesy as it sounds, the world stopped being so gloomy. I stopped feeling depressed or morose for no good reason, and a simply message or MMS from him can cause my cheeks to hurt from smiling too much.

So even though I'm not sure if we're heading for an ice berg (ok, enough with the stupid ship metaphors, hur hur)...

I feel safe, and loved, and happy, and excited about life's adventures.

And that's enough for now.

So what am I scared of?

I wonder what's causing so much hesitance on my part.

The fact that things are progressing so quickly, and yet so well?

That I am still amazed and puzzled that a person can be so intense, so all-consuming, so passionate, that I fear it's going to crash and burn?

The fact that I got out of something that has been a part of me for nearly half my life, and leaped head first into another major thing without a break in between?

This morning, I woke up and wanted to tell my mum about ZW. Cos the whole "I'm meeting a friend" line is getting lame.

And tiring.

And I keep having to worry that I'm going home too late and not having a credible alibi beyond going "mmmm..."

But every time I tried to open my mouth, something gagged in my throat.

What is it? Fear? Fear that I'd be judged by my own mother?

I'm really not sure. When I first told her that I broke up with F, cos the feeling is gone, she gave me a long look, and then yelled "how can liddat? When you get married how?"

Valid point, but I'm still young and idealistic and a hopeless romantic fool and I refuse to accept that.

So... if I were to tell her that I'm in a new committed thing (I can't even say the R word), would she freak out and think I'm just having a flight of fancy? That I'm on the rebound, or that I'm just being.. promiscuous?

It took her so long to accept F.. how can I just throw another guy into her life so soon, right?

Aaarrggghhhh... ZW has been incredibly patient (most of the time)... but I guess he's also wondering what the hell I'm thinking.

I think he knows how I feel about him now... but I guess he worries too that I always seem ready to bolt out the door.

I don't know why I'm panicking. He says I think too much. In my defense, I'm a girl, I'm programmed to over think things.

And the funny thing is, I've even tried to sabotage us. I keep trying to find "deal breakers"... it's almost as if I WANT us to fail, so that I can go "aha!" and prove everyone right that I just lost my mind temporarily.

And maybe assuage my guilt a little.

At the same time, I really, really want this to work. In fact, I want to tell everyone about, and not have to hide that I'm seeing someone really cool. And weird :P

But I'm also trying not to hurt F anymore than I already have..

And introducing ZW to the parents, and my friends.. makes things official. That I really have moved on, probably in record time. And there'd be no more hiding.

Yup, that's what I'm doing. Hiding behind a hazy cloud.. just letting things stayed muddled for the moment. Yeah, I'm a coward.

What's a girl to do?

Closure

I need closure.

Bits and pieces of things that remind me of F are still scattered throughout my room.

If I want to move forward, and put this behind me, I need to remove these reminders.

I think the biggest concern I have now is whether F is doing alright. I need to know that he'll be ok.

Because this time, there's no turning back.

I was thinking about the times F and I have broken up over the years.. and in the last 4 years alone, just during his university life, we've done it 3 times.

The first time, he refused to let go and I didn't push it further, because I still felt so in love with him. So despite knowing that there were cracks, we covered them up with plaster.

The second time, he broke my heart but I refused to believe that we were done. Despite advice from everyone around me, I ignored what my head was telling me and still went for it. In some sense, I think I wore his defences down by simply refusing to back down.

And the third time... well, I guess I broke his heart. Actually, I'm not even sure how's he feeling. Is he in pain? Or is he finding some relief? I simply don't know.

But the issues that we face, or faced... were recurring ones. Things that never truly went away. Despite our best attempts to try to surmount these differences, and yeah, best efforts were put in, we eventually lapsed back into old ways.

People simply don't change. And if I can't acccept him for who he is, I don't think I deserve to be with him. There will be someone for him, who can love him better than I ever could. I honestly believe that. Because in the end, I overwhelmed him with what I wanted, or thought I wanted, and he got lost along the way. And then I became lost too.

Not sure if people can understand this but... I need to be selfish now and stop beating myself up over it. Stop stressing out if he's eating right, wandering if he's cooped up in his house, hoping that he's talking to people about this, and not trying to work things out alone.

I can't call him. I can't text him. I think it'd only make things worst at this point.

I still remember when he broke up with me.. and then msn-ed me a few days later... sure, it made me feel happy and broke my wallowing for the moment... but it plunged me back into despair because he made it clear that he was just checking to see if I was ok. As a concerned friend.

And I can still remember the reaction in my head... it was like, "how the fuck do you think I'm doing? I've been broken into pieces, you bastard!"

And it felt like mixed signals too..

It was during the Hari Raya celebrations, and knowing how much I loved his cousins, he took videos of them playing and sent them to me.

Maybe that's why I thought I had a chance?

But this time round... I know I'm done. There are simply too many cracks to ignore, too much toxic and baggage...

And something great is happening in my life right now.

As bad as the timing is.. and I know this is going to make me look like a complete slore.. but I simply can't walk away.

I've met this amazing guy and it feels like the world makes sense again. That all the attachments to life that were slowly slipping away suddenly feel alive again.

Perhaps some people think I'm just in freefall, or have made a complete mistake... and quite honestly, if I was to look at this from an objective third party point of view, I can see why it seems so crazy. In fact, I'd be right in there, making judgments as well.

But it just feels so damn right. So damn right.

I've only known him for 2 weeks, TWO WEEKS.. and it feels like I've known him my whole life.

We are so comfortable together and around each other, it's almost like we've stopped rushing about in life and have fallen into each other's pace.

It's eery and I'm frightened and almost afraid to take the next step because it can't be possible.

I don't think I've been so spooked out in my life from hearing the "L" word.

I keep imagining that this thing I'm feeling, it's bound to pass right? It's just the hormones talking, and probably, I'm just being delusional.

But.... at this moment, all I know is that a hand has been extended to me, and the moment I reached over to clasp it, I couldn't let go.

The insecure part of me tells me to take things slow, and who's to say it won't crash and burn by next week?

But do I really want to live life so timid, so afraid to step out of my comfort zone?

If I'm going down in flames, I might as well go out in a bang, no?

I wonder when my heart and head will be in agreement.

Met Wern for dinner last night, and let's just say her reaction was not encouraging.

Short of telling me I made a mistake, I think the word she was trying not to use was "bitch".

As a friend, she's standing by my decision. But as a third party observer, what I did to Fadz can be seen as cruel and thoughtless.

And I can see why - if I say I have been unhappy for some time, then perhaps I should have said something earlier, instead of waiting till another guy shows up?

The timing simply stinks. And of course, it looks like I'm doing to Fadz what he did to me all those years ago.

I've been a coward, and I haven't been able to "man" up to my feelings. It's not like I haven't had feelings of restlessness, of uncertainty... but it was simply easier to squash these feelings and dismiss them as merely an "itch" that is bound to go away.

It really, really sucks that I have to hurt my best friend in the process of trying to figure out what I really want in a relationship, and from life in general.

But could I have continued in a relationship that was more "best friends" than "lovers"?

Maybe I have too grand ideas of what love should be, have expectations that are too unrealistic.

But if you don't explore it when you're young, when then is a good time?

Like Wern says, I will have to face the consequences of my decisions, good or bad.

I broke up with Fadz.

Guess there's no need to be cryptic anymore; those who need to know, know.

So for the 2 people who still read my blog...

Everyone has been asking me why? And I'm still trying to find a definitive answer.

Because... "just because" doesn't quite cut it huh?

I don't even know if I was unhappy.. it just felt like I was trying to gloss so many things over - not talking about Fadz with my friends, acting like I was a single girl when he's not around, checkin out guys all the time, ignoring the fact that there was no more spark.

And sad as it sounds, I think it boils down to that. A lack of spark. Sure, I know what a lot of people might say. It's been 8 years, for god's sake! of course there's no spark! But in exchange you get comfort, familiarity.... blah blah blah.

I get it. I understand that intellectually. But emotionally, I refuse it. How can it be that a couple can go days on end not talking, and not feel like something is wrong, or worse, not feel a sense of longing?

How can I be in a relationship that made me give and give, but not feel like I'm getting much in return?

I didn't feel cherished anymore, or wanted, or desired. And since we weren't talking, weren't communicating, weren't meeting... what's the compensation?

And even when I was breaking up with Fadz, he didn't reach out, he didn't fight, he simply sat there and kept quiet. I don't think I can take inertia, or the lack of initiative anymore.

And so.. I'm done.

Is there another guy? Partly, but things are complicated there as well and quite frankly, I'd be smart not to hold my breath in that department.

So I think the best thing I can do for myself at the moment is to enjoy being single.

Who's with me? :)

And so it's done.

I wonder if it's normal to feel so.... calm.

It's not like I feel a great sense of relief or anything, no hellalujah moment. But neither do I feel like the world is closing in on me.

I wonder if this is merely the calm before the storm?

I simply felt exhuasted, went to sleep, woke up. And the world still feels the same.

Denial? Or long time coming?

Huh.

Next move?

Another Cryptic Message

Putting the melodramatics and hysteria aside, I don't think I've been unhappy thus far.

A little frustrated at times, have expectations that are sometimes not met, but on the whole, not too bad.

Think the problem now is that I've been stuck in the same position for too long, feeling like I'm sinking under with each passing day.

Losing a little of myself, losing the zest for life. Settling into a comfortable position and moulding myself into someone with a definitive path that's hard to deviate from.

I'm not saying that's necessarily a bad thing, but it may not be the best representation of my true spirit either.

Perhaps in time to come, those may be the things I crave, but for now, I'm not too sure.

So now the question is, do I want to continue with a warm, familiar routine that has a low chance of failure barring self-destruction and perhaps work towards that stable piece of mind...

or do I want to leap into the delicious unknown with abandon, not knowing if someone will really catch me?

I think I'm starting to see that the two are not mutually exclusive.

The latter was merely a catalyst that jolted me out of my state of inertia. Maybe things would have eventually come to a head anyway. Made me face my current situation and examine what I really want.

But things have gotten more complicated because the catalyst is also turning out to be an option.

So Joanne, now what?